Popcorn, DQ and Wine

 

When we are in a hurry we can miss a lot, stress a lot, and often mess things up. Being busy is ok, but being effectively busy and not just overly busy is the key. Last week was one of the busiest weeks for me in a long time, jam packed with appointments, work, showing homes, lunches, writing offers, inspections, activities for Paxton, football games, fishing meetings, his birthday party, and dinners and all the fun stuff that is included in that! I don’t think I made it home before 9:30 any night and to be honest, I only cooked once, and it was breakfast for dinner, biscuits and gravy at Paxton’s request.

Getting back into the swing of school hasn’t been super easy for Paxton especially after doing “home school” and being home with me for 9 months. He isn’t doing bad, he is trying, he has admitted he needs help in algebra (he is actually pretty good at math once it clicks) and although he doesn’t necessarily like to give up his free time, I told him that I am holding him to the same standards a school would by not allowing him to fail a class and still fish. So, since I was always good in algebra, but I cannot teach it the way they expect these kids to learn these days, plus it has been a LONG time and isn't so fresh in my mind, he is going to have to take advantage of the tutoring the teacher offers after school. He is doing the Math success lab in place of the Spanish class he dropped, however, I think it is taking a while to catch up and he must learn sometimes you just have to put in extra effort for the things that are a must, even if you don’t want to do it or are not interested in it. This is teaching him discipline, he may roll his eyes at me now, but I promise he will appreciate it later in life. When he understands or catches up, he can go to the tutoring less or not at all, but for now he needs to take advantage of the help when given. Then when the teacher is not available for 3 days in a row, you can become more frustrated or behind. 

I think this birthday for him hit harder than last year, missing Steve. There really is no grief clock that says after the first year you are miraculously better, cured, not as sad or “fixed”. These things I truly don’t feel are possible to “get over” or magically dissolve or go away. Grief is love with no where to go, and as humans we just want to give it. When we no longer have a place for it to go, lots of other emotions become involved. The key is to learn to control these emotions and find positive outlets for them to thrive. 

We finally took advantage of sending him to counseling, I feel like the timing is right. I know I stress all the time in my blogs to trust the timing of your life- sometimes when you are a planner or scenario creator trust that everything will work out the way it is suppose to can sometimes be hard. I am really learning how to just let things happen and not force anything. To enjoy our journey as it comes and appreciate all we have and thrive when we can.  

I have been asking him periodically over the last year about counseling and the answer was always the same. A dead NO. He doesn’t want to go; he doesn’t need it and I could take him, but he would just sit in the room and stare at the person and not talk. He was adamant that if the person lost their dad at his same exact age, maybe he would talk and listen to what they had to say, but he assumes that no one else would understand what he was going through. Probably valid, however, even someone who experienced that would have different circumstances, time frames, feelings, and reactions then he does. He pointed out to me that he was being affected by his lack of focus at school and some daily activities. I researched underlying causes, inattentive ADHD or his anxiety and fears just maxing him out. Talked to a friend of mine from back home in the industry and I just decided let’s start with counseling and see where it takes us. I am not a huge fan of modern medicines I much prefer any natural methods instead, and he is much like me, it is hard to even get him to take Tylenol or Claritin when it would benefit him.  I pretty much had to convince him to go because I just wanted him to find a resource on how to better focus. He got in and out of the car without a fight maybe not without complaining but I will count my blessings. One session will not be the determining factor of what he needs, but let’s just say he was intrigued enough about how the counselor explained anxiety to him and he made a connection enough to agree to go for a second session. Fingers crossed that he gets what he needs. 

I went to lunch last week with an industry friend who has the same philosophy as I. The amount of work we could put in to making an abundant amount of money to have a future quality of life isn't as important enough to sacrifice our current quality of life. Something that we talked about that really resonates with me is the willingness to sacrifice our day-to-day time in order to be happy verses working so hard and making so much money that we save and may never even have the opportunity to use it. That is where the line must be drawn. Is the amount of time and energy you are putting into being successful worth you giving up happiness or your sanity or even sacrificing your health? If it is for you, then great! But I think it depends on the person. I am ok not sharing the same status as a fellow agent if I have to sacrifice too much, I am just not. That is why in our industry we cannot compare ourselves to other agents, their status, their clientele, or the caliber of what they consider success verses what you consider success. In my case, I am seasoned enough that I probably could be like some of these big wig Realtors who have large teams and have money coming in other than their own deals as residual. Listening to some podcasts, some of them are actually in the red depending on how they spend their money. With that though comes sacrifice upfront to build it up. 

One, I have had a team before and I have a hard time trusting other people to give the kind of service that I would, two I don’t want to give up some of my free time to be available to someone else 24/7 at the expense of my own time ( I don't mind mentoring but that is short term) and three I have an enough number that allows me to control the amount of business that I do and the types of clients that I attract and give my 100% to as long as I can still pull in that amount. 

It is hard to be everything to everyone and you need to do the things that you are good at. Sometimes it is healthy to say no. Therefore, I pay someone to take care of all my transaction paperwork and sometimes show houses for me. I am now a single parent who has a 13-year-old going through puberty, the loss of his father,  his own set of fears, anxieties, and uncertainties, Paxton will be 18 before I know it and require less and less of my time as each year goes by. Then I can focus on other things. For now I need to be available and live in the present as much as possible to enjoy the time I have to spend with him. I can always pick up “extra” work down the road when he isn’t around as much, if I need or want to. 

A friend of mine’s husband died the same year as my mom in the fall of 2015. She tries to make it a celebration every year this week that he died. It is sad and it is hard, but she does something to commemorate it. She posted that this is the first year since he died that she didn’t cry all week long and she has been with someone else for a few years, who understands and allows her to celebrate her late husband with no issues, no judging and no expectations. She felt a new sense of peace this year, maybe unlike and above any other that I am not sure she has had thus far. I don’t know whether to be proud of her or to be envious. I know not everyone has the same time frame or expectations, but I may be a tad jealous that I have such a long road of adjustment ahead of me, or maybe I don’t. I just know that I didn't ask for what was handed to me, I don't like feeling the way that I do or the emotions that I experience and sometimes they just can't be controlled.  I have felt peace with other things so far at different times so I know the sense she is feeling when things just fit right. There is no magic number, date, year, time-period, or occasion that you will most definitely move forward enough for the sadness to go away. It doesn’t ever go away, maybe it gets easier or maybe you just become more accepting of your circumstances. And maybe the feelings are different for everyone. 

My child has been experiencing some things at school that just haven’t gone away no matter mama’s suggestions, words of wisdom or trying to teach him to cope with exterior influences that he has no control over, to control his reactions, to be the better person, to walk away from situations that just don’t suit him. He he wants to be able to fit in without trying to be someone he is not and to also enjoy his experiences, concentrate on what he needs to and be liked at the same time. Jr. High is rough, kids are cruel and no matter how much you explain to him or any other kids his age and even high school aged  that none of this will matter in 5-10 years, right now it is their life and is what they are experiencing and what is real to them in the moment. 

We started the day with many tears. Praying on the way to school for a better experience, a better outcome, the mean kids to have their hearts filled with love… (last week one kid did get a taste of his own medicine- but it didn’t make the rest stop) sometimes kids are just mean and no matter what you do or say, ignore them or pray for them, they just don’t get better. It is so out of our control. The tears fell, his fears of going to school, reluctance to deal with his reality,  his disappointment in himself about math and how far he got behind and or didn’t understand but it is hard for him to ask for help coupled with just his sad state all came fluttering in. I have these days still in my own way. As an adult I think we are just more experienced in how to handle multiple situations coupled with the emotions. He is an old soul and sometimes he thinks he should just know things and he is hard on himself, but instead of pushing himself, like I did when I was younger, he tends to just give up or shut down or be a grumpy mess of emotions he cannot control.  In some ways, I see so much of myself in him it is hard for me to be hard on him. I know what works for me, I know how I responded well to certain criticisms and not so well to others, and although I mostly know him, I am still trying to figure him out. 

He missed car pool pick up so I drove him. We made it all the way to the parking lot before sitting there for what seemed like forever, crying and then turning around to declare it is just going to be a mother-son day, and the world around us is just going to have to continue while we have our day. I had to reschedule an appointment and call-in re-enforcements for another, but I can make it work. It wasn't without some arguing, plenty of tears shed or a little movie theater heavily buttered popcorn, DQ  ice cream and wine. (no judging! LOL that's a whole lot of junk for me). 

Our mental health will thank us later. In our new life, sometimes we must pause while we recoup, recover, and refresh. I honestly don’t know if we could move forward without these occasional days. So today is a day to catch up on math before the end of the quarter- go to lunch and a movie-  and to forego some of the hustle and bustle and responsibilities we face everyday- stop hurrying -reset our minds, focus on the good and move forward tomorrow better than we were today. Today was draining emotionally but worth just taking a break from the busyness to take care of ourselves.

I am currently reading a bible plan about the elimination of hurry. This morning the devotional delved into this. 

“Many of us are just too busy to live emotionally healthy and spiritually rich and vibrant lives.
Granted, there is a healthy kind of busyness where your life is full with things that matter, not wasted on empty leisure or trivial pursuits. By that definition, Jesus himself was busy. The problem isn’t when you have a lot to do; it’s when you have too much to do, and the only way to keep the quota up is to hurry.” As you move through your day, pay attention to your body, the sensations of hurry, stress, distraction, or irritation that you feel. Notice how they inhibit your ability to be present in love. Pause 2-3 more times during this day to simply breathe, take in God’s loving presence, and practice gratitude.

These words rang true for me today. And although I am always grateful in my mind and tell people all the time, or count my blessings and say them out loud, I have gotten away from keeping my gratitude journal in the last few months and Paxton and I got away from saying what we are grateful for before bed as we used to with Steve every night. We have done it since he died, but not consistently. Paxton and I always prayed on the way to school and now he carpools... This devotion has reminded me that I need to restart this practice and allow myself time to reflect not only by writing down my thankful thoughts but keeping the tradition with him so that we can constantly remind ourselves that we are still here, we can do this together, and there is so much more to be grateful for with all the blessings we receive on a daily basis. Concentrating on what we are grateful for verses what we miss, lack, or are not good at can truly bring more blessings. 

Thanks again to all the supportive friends who still check in with us, make us feel special and just love on us. It truly means a lot and makes days like today a little lighter. 

I Hope You Dance

 

Taking country swing dance lessons months ago, seemed to give me something to do once a week to get out of my house, to stay sane, and to have some mama time since it seemed like I was spending 24/7 with Paxton because he was home schooled. Circumstances took me away from the routine of going. I have gone out with friends at least a dozen times since Steve passed. I danced once or twice here and there but didn’t really enjoy going out or didn’t think I should. I did it to get out of the house and hang out with friends. I somehow felt guilty going out every time and I am sure my aura portrayed that, and without thinking it somehow made me less approachable. Shocking right because I am normally outgoing, friendly, personable and talk a lot. Most nights while all the other girls danced, I would sit at the table and watch. Some nights I even cried by the end of the night, or on my way home or when I got home. I remember my birthday being fun to start with and then crying at the table when everyone got up and went and did their thing. I felt alone sitting there even though I was surrounded by people. I was there but I had a stigma about allowing myself to have a good time and really enjoy myself. I wanted to be responsible, reserved, and respectful of my circumstances. I don’t know how to describe it, but I felt bad wanting to have a good time, so I just couldn’t allow myself to really relax and have fun. I have told myself every time that it was okay to go out, before I left, that I needed to try. Why wouldn’t I deserve to have a good time?! I remember even going out once and my friend harped on me about being reserved and that I needed to relax and have a good time and not be so responsible over and over again- I remember secretly being mad at her for saying such a thing- (which if you are reading this it is something I needed to hear). I now know that she didn’t mean I needed to be reckless or careless, which in my reserved head I was thinking, she meant I needed to allow myself to enjoy the night have fun and not put up so many walls and expectations and just be me. 

Most times I go out and Paxton will blow up my phone. My little protector, anxiety ridden (all of you please remember to pray for me with love and patience) I was able to master dealing with his father’s anxiety after so many years, but he is a whole new character to figure out. He has mixed feelings about his mama going out not only as a single mom, but afraid something might happen to me in the process and fearing not having any parents is probably a top concern. Unfortunately, I cannot live in a bubble for the rest of my life. I have reassured him several times I am not out actively seeking a companion but just wanting to have a good time with my friends, other adults,  as I lack connection with an adult at home, one that I had been used to for a long time.  It could be so annoying to be honest, but he is my kid, and my responsibility relies in making him #1 right now, even if it means I put myself on the back burner most of the time. It may not be super healthy and that is why I allow myself to go. He is getting older; I can’t believe he will be 13 in a week! And wanting to spend more and more time with his friends. We are not doing baseball every weekend and although my beautiful home and all my animals keep me busy most days, I still seek some time for me that doesn’t always involve being alone.

This weekend like most when I have gone out, I started out by being a tad apprehensive about going. I am always quick to say yes mostly when asked and then my mind has a way of turning around my thoughts. We really do get inside our heads a little too much. I want to go back to the carefree little girl running barefoot through the grass in summer, no expectations, no doubt, no guilt, just alive and carefree!  To make a long story short, I put on a short, cute black dress, a pair of my favorite knee-high cowboy boots and went. For the first time in a year, I allowed myself to just have fun. No walls, no fears, no doubts, no guilt, no apprehensions. No fake smiles. I put those dance lessons to the test and danced for 3 hours and barely sat down. When I got into the car to go home the back of my hair was seriously soaking wet, and I might be honest and tell you my knees and hips might be a little sore right now! I laughed wholeheartedly, I could feel my smile radiate from my being, and a few friends even mentioned it to me how they noticed and were happy that I seemed to be enjoying myself. I stayed later than I said, I was caring but firm when Paxton called for me to come home even though he was staying with a friend, I didn't let him talk me into it and I truly enjoyed my night. I felt a huge weight lifted from my being as if to say… it is okay, you can do this and if someone judges you for having fun so be it… the biggest judge of me though, is me, and that girl has got to show up a little less often. 

The next day I went paddle boarding at the river with a few girlfriends and one of their 17-year-old sons. I have been very worried about going to the river paddle boarding, I haven’t tubed there in over 20 years and something about the rapids and rocky areas didn’t quite make me feel safe. Yes, I know you can sit down in those spots, but I had still been a little leery.  My friends asked, I went. It was so worth it. The herds of wild horses alone all along the river, standing in the water, drinking, and eating the weeds, was refreshing, the scenery was breathtaking and watching the 17-year-old cliff dive off the side of a mountain was invigorating! I don’t think I would ever do it, but it did remind me that sometimes the risk takers are the ones who really enjoy their life and live it to the fullest.

We spent Sunday night catching up on missing assignments, writing rough drafts and papers, and studying for tests. It was completely overwhelming for Paxton but I sat down and we devised a plan. He admitted to me that getting back into the swing of school after taking almost a whole year off the familiarity of a classroom, coupled with a new school was challenging. I wished that he didn’t have to face these circumstances. I wished our lives could go back to how they were prior to Steve’s death. The familiarity, the comfortability the routine-ishness. Our lives will never be the same and therefore we can’t expect to do the same things and get the same results. This might be a huge pill to swallow, but now over a year later, we are doing it, we are figuring it out together. There are no deadlines, no rule books, and no set timelines to figure it out. We are just along for the ride, winging it somedays and trying to create new memories as we move forward.

He was trying hard in Spanish but failing and with having to keep up with all his other classes, we had no choice but to have him drop that one. He is going to take a success lab, which allows him school time to concentrate and excel more in Math. I was speaking with an old family friend yesterday who is a fellow parent, an educator, mental health professional and therapist. He was able to convince me that I am doing what I can, that being a 13-year-old boy is tough enough, let alone trying to process what he has went through, losing his dad and trying to figure out  his identity without him. He said look, you are an adult, and it took you a whole year to process and have that moment of letting go of the guilt and harsh expectations of yourself, just think how long it takes his little mind to process everything he is thinking and feeling.  He said Dani, it is 8^th grade, I’m an educator and I am saying 8^th grade doesn’t mean shit, don’t place such high expectations on him, he will be fine, and he will move forward, let him figure himself out.

A couple girlfriends came over for dinner and wine last night and one of them who is also a widow (yes, I am getting a little more comfortable with that word and not picturing a scary black spider with red dots every time I say it) she reminded me how proud of me she was and the growth that I have allowed to happen over the last year. She is always there when I need her, it sucks that she had to go through this to be my guide, but I am grateful that she had. She left me with a great thought. Just because I had a breakthrough moment, doesn’t mean I won’t ever feel guilty, sad, or blah when I go out again, but the simple fact that I had that breakthrough moment is a step in the right direction for all.

Please believe that the people who belong in your life will always… always find a way to stay. Never forget that. If they’re meant for you then it will happen. And nothing in the world can change that. – r.m. drake

I am grateful for everyone who is contributing to my journey.

I woke up around 3:00 this morning with a song in my head, no tv or radio were on. I laid there singing all the lyrics in my head to this song and when I was done, although I felt like I was in a dream, I was not. I opened my eyes to the darkness of my room, Harper laying at my feet, the gentle sound of my white noise machine that Steve had to have and I have grown used to listening to over the years, with a soft stillness in my heart at the song I was singing internally without skipping a beat. I love singing, I don't have a great voice, but I don't know the last time or if I have ever sang a song word for word without singing "along" to the song playing on the radio or at church. I had no idea I knew all the words to this song by heart. It was a weird moment, but I'll embraced it. I might sound a little crazy to you all, but being vulnerable in this journey I have learned adds to the credibleness of my stories and therefore it is ok if you think that. I will own my weirdness.  

So here is to growth, change, acceptance and enjoying the journey with a little less planning, a little more risk and hopefully great rewards.

I Hope You Dance

Song by Lee Ann Womack and Sons of the Desert

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance... I hope you dance...

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin',
Don't let some Hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance... I hope you dance.
I hope you dance... I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance... I hope you dance.
I hope you dance... I hope you dance.
I hope you dance... I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone.)

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Sanders Mark Daniel / Sillers Tia Maria

I Hope You Dance lyrics © Sony/atv Melody, Choice Is Tragic Music, Soda Creek Songs, Mca Music Publishing, A.d.o. Universal S

Fishing for a Memory- the start of a collection

 

I thought I would have had a lot more that I wanted to write about from my weekend experience, I thought it over in my head several times and nothing came to me that was content enriched so I just didn't. So last weekend came and went the one year anniversary of Steve’s death. It had its ups and downs, it’s craziness, it’s calm moments. I struggled just a little on whether I wanted to post a tribute on Facebook, and decided that I just really didn't want to this year, and you know what, I was okay with that. As Paxton’s new ritual he wants to try to make it a point to go fishing to mark the occasion a trip to Bass Pro Shops to buy 4 fishing lures every year to put in a Rubbermaid tub- he also said he thinks he will add some on Steve’s birthday and Father’s Day.  I asked him what for, he said he wasn’t quite sure, maybe to give to his kid someday. I was okay with that, it is okay to have a feeling to do something and not know exactly why you are doing it. 

No messages in balloons, no lighting lanterns and letting them go, writing a letter or sharing a special dinner were had… something simple that he came up with and decided that he wanted to do. I love this. He has his own uniqueness about him, and it makes me happy that he comes up with his own ideas and embraces them. As much as loosing Steve was equally a part of me, I have been through enough loss that I felt more inclined to allow him to make the decisions of how he wanted to celebrate his dad’s life, then what I thought would be ideal, and to be completely honest, I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do. I guess I did do one thing for myself, it just isn’t finished yet, so I will have to keep you all in suspense until later.

 

I appreciated all of those who reached out just to say they were thinking about us.  My aunt and uncle who were here the week Steve passed away came back to be with us and I appreciate that as well. It was filled with a lot of emotions on both our parts and many private moments that only the two of us were meant to share.

 

Yesterday morning I allowed myself to get upset over something that I knew that I didn’t necessarily have control over. Occasionally, I let that happen even when I preach to everyone else to stay positive on a routine basis and that it’s not about your circumstances more about your reaction. My reaction wasn’t super great. But then I saw a post from a friend who honed me back in. Yes, I am one who thrives on filling other people’s cups as I feel one of my biggest purposes is to serve others but sometimes I need mine to be filled as well. 

 

Her post said when you can’t control what’s happening to you, challenge yourself to control the way you are responding to what is happening to you. That is where the power lies

 

I read those words three times and took a deep breath. Sometimes you can get completely upset about something that doesn’t go as planned not the way that we thought it would be for completely alters our day ahead. As I told you before sometimes, I want to fix things and my mind can sometimes completely turn into fight or flight or sometimes I have a little pity party that things can’t run smoothly and why can’t I catch a break. The more that I can put in perspective that life just happens and somehow it always works out, the better off that I am. I am in control of my thoughts and actions, and I alone can determine my level of happiness. Outside factors can contribute to my happiness, but it is ultimately up to me to choose to be happy and at what level.

 

 

We have a deadline to get this boat prepared for Paxton ‘s first fishing tournament October 2. I want it to be in tiptop shape with a very little room for failure. New tires so that they don’t blow one on the way to a tournament and end up late or missing it. A boat that’s going to be in great working order that doesn’t break down on them in the middle of the lake putting a monkey wrench in their day or disrupting their ability to fish their hearts out and do as well as possible. We are sort of under a time crunch and a lot of the shops are backlogged. I was given a referral for a guy who comes to you and works on the boat, a mobile service. I immediately thought what an ideal situation then I don’t have to be stressed out about taking it somewhere and they don’t get it done in time and we can’t make our schedule. Especially since I also need to take it to get new tires. And Paxton would like to take it out on the lake to practice ahead of time.  The theme with me tends to be me trying to be the mama who can fit it all in and fix it. Sometimes it works out in my brain a lot smoother than it actually does.

 

It didn’t quite go well with the guy who was going to come to the house. I may have called him a dick more than once. I’ll spare you all the details, but I ended up calling a repair shop from an old invoice that I found when Steve had the jack plate on the boat fixed in 2020. The guys were super accommodating and could get me in and work on his boat in their spare time while waiting on parts for other boats so that I can have it ready for the tournaments. I’m not saying that everyone must be accommodating to me just because I lost my husband, I am not looking for pity or handouts. I just feel like sometimes when you tell the story and how much this kid wants to fish and why it means so much to him -the guy who came to the house would’ve been a little bit more willing to help me understand the process since this is all new to me and not my normal scope of knowledge.

 

I set out yesterday to go to listen to a favorite local band with a group of four friends who

one-by-one dropped off and couldn’t meet me last night. I was disappointed and had a couple other offers, none of which included chilling listening to music with a glass of wine which is what my intention was but sometimes we can’t always control our circumstances, so we have to figure out how we’re going to react to them. I was dressed and ready to go out I wasn’t that into this band that I would go out by myself. I contemplated crawling into some jammies and laying on my couch, but after the day I had and the struggle with Paxton to get his homework done, which is always a project in itself- I ended up at dinner with Audrey and her mom and a quick trip so she could take something back at Old Navy, it was a good enough night to get out of the house for a couple hours even though it wasn’t what I had planned. But then again some of the best things that happen to us are usually not planned at all, and the opportunity to hang out with my bestie who lives out of town, is always a pleasure.

 

This morning didn’t quite go as planned either, Paxton needed to finish a presentation for Spanish, not so easy so early in the morning, but we made it work, getting him up in enough time was a little tough. I got a late start when I went to get the boat from Steve’s parents house to take it to the repair shop. When I got there, I realized I still had the horse trailer hitch attached to my truck as that was the last thing we hauled. No big deal, right?  I had the right hitch in the back of the truck, just switch them out. Slight problem, I didn’t have the key to remove the lock on the hitch to switch it out, it was on a different set of truck keys. Deep Breath. My first instinct was to drive all the way back home to get them. My father-in-law in his calm composure, told me not to worry- deep inside he may have been irritated with me, but he didn’t show it, he switched out each ball on the hitches for the correct ones. Not an easy task, probably not great for his bad back, but he did it, for me and kept himself calm, which kept me from panicking over me overlooking an important detail and not being prepared for what I needed. I got to the repair shop, without the boat key, of which was left on the kitchen table at my in-law’s house, I had to go get it and then go back to the shop. And then home to a valve that needed to be replaced on my master bedroom toilet to remove the toilet to tile under it, forcing me to run to the hardware store that I hadn’t intended to put yet another twist in my day making me slightly late for my next thing.

 

Luckily despite the hiccups, I remained calm, a slight delay and location change (I don’t think this will become a repeat location- but it worked for today) a Sushi date with my niece, but able to still fit in quality time, I wasn’t even late for my nail appointment or to pick up kids from school, I still had time to fill up my gas tank and get my car washed (of course I did, it poured tonight, lol) I got some work done, watched a little Netflix and turned my Friday night into this blog, which is truly healing for me and a huge part of my journey.  I was proud of my reactions today. I could laugh a little at my mistakes and know that everything still worked out and remind myself that reacting to my circumstances in a slightly different way can sometimes make all the difference with a little more grace and a lot less stress. I noticed a difference in my demeanor, my attitude, and my overrated expectations of myself. This might need to be a repeat reminder to myself not to react so negatively in some instances, which can be most people’s first reaction when things don’t go their way. There is always room for improvement. And the day seems to go a little more smoothly the less you let the bad things affect your mood and attitude. 

 

Steve may be gone, and my underlying grief will most likely never go away, but I am still here, and he isn’t, and I deserve to find my happy and I recognize that enjoying my remaining journey, however that looks, is not selfish at all, it is the healthiest form of grieving that I can imagine possible. The best way to focus on moving forward is give myself the ability to make mistakes and learn from them verses striving to be such a perfectionist, since no one out there is, I might as well admit it now, I never will live up to the title so I need to stop trying so hard and stress myself out when I can’t live up to my own expectations. Just go with it. Be comfortable in your own skin and your own mind, laugh at yourself and enjoy each moment. You never know how many you have left. 

 

I like this quote: If you pay attention to the patterns of your life, you’ll realize everything always works out. Everything always takes you to a greater destination. You always grow and the things you think you can’t survive you somehow divinely make it through. That’s life. Always remember that.

Flowers for Me, Grace for All

 

I ran some errands yesterday and had a friend ask me what my friends could do for me with the date drawing closer to the anniversary of Steve’s death? She said she felt weird asking, but we are friends and I have been weighing on her mind and she just didn’t really know what to do or say, but she wanted me to know she had been thinking about me. The mention of that was enough to give me peace and know that I am loved and thought of.  The conversation went a little like this… Do you celebrate his life? As a friend do you even mention it? I mean maybe you just want to not think about it or call attention to it? Like, what should your friends do? My response was that it was just what each person feels comfortable doing, no one should go out of their element for us. A sweet thinking about you text would make me smile and be enough if someone felt the need to reach out to acknowledge, I would say I wouldn’t want to avoid or ignore the day, but not everyone needs to do some grand gesture for us though. With Paxton I told him we would play it by ear, he didn’t want to make any permanent plans, besides fishing which he arranged on his own. My aunt and uncle who were here the week Steve died flew out to be with us. This warms my heart and occupies my mind with things to do along with celebrating her birthday tomorrow and Aidan’s on Sunday. No one can go through or experience these emotions for us, but us, and I am not sure how, but a little support always helps, no matter the extent of it. So, if you were wondering what to say or do, that is completely up to you, and if you aren’t comfortable bringing it up, don’t. No one is going to do or say the wrong thing and I am not going to hold it against anyone if they don’t reach out. Everyone handles death and grief differently and that is ok. Grace for all.

I knew that them coming would make Paxton not want to go to school, he has this coming Monday off for the holiday so I wanted him to go to school today, he could skip tomorrow as he already planned an “in honor of dad” fishing morning with Rob. Bless his heart to be so kind to him, it makes me feel truly blessed to have the people we do in our lives. Like I have said before I couldn’t ask for better friends. He would have the Monday holiday and I said he could be late Tuesday and we would take them to breakfast before the airport. He was pretty mad at me when he left for school yesterday, playing the dad sad card or maybe he is just really sad, it may be a little of both. I said, “we will see.” I think he took that as a yes. He came home from school and proclaimed he had initiated contact with all his teachers to tell them he would not be there Thursday and Friday, collected all his upcoming work to catch him up until Tuesday and they all said OK. Well, this little boy is growing up and knows when he wants something what to do instead of having his mom arrange it for him. I didn’t know whether to be mad or proud, since I didn’t really confirm he could skip school, even though I knew in my mind I was more than likely going to. Life is so short as we have already experienced and missing two days of school in the grand scheme of things to spend time with you family for a really good reason, seems like good enough reason for me.

Believe me, I know what is going on in my 43-year-old mind sifting through all the significant emotions, memories of last year and crushed hopes and dreams for the future that now must be re-organized and new plans formed. I have even been through significant losses way more than he has. I can’t imagine the mind of an almost 13-year-old teenage boy going through puberty, losing his dad, and trying to figure out how to process what he is thinking. So, you need to take 2 days off from school to refocus… granted, he is a good kid and I think he is going to go far in this world and I am extremely proud of him. 

It is the little things that will get me through the next few days, (even though I know certain thoughts and memories had while making new memories without Steve will make some tears fall, and that is ok, avoiding feelings is never a good thing when moving forward, deal with them as they come, not bottled up and exploding later on) because I know that those little blessings are signs that life is precious, that things should be celebrated, cherished, and made into memories that will last far beyond the lives of those we lose and are still here. That there is hope for a bright future, there is still work to be done in our world and there are many lessons learned in our experiences to help us move forward, to be grateful for the time we spent with our loved ones that are gone and to incorporate what we miss the most about them into our everyday lives as so much of what they taught us still lives deep within our souls and can be summoned when needed. As long as I can hold onto the hope that I have a purpose that hasn’t been fulfilled yet and that somehow all of the things I have been through thus far is shaping me for that purpose, no matter how significant or insignificant that purpose is in the bigger picture.

    
As I finish up this blog a very sweet text from a friend of a friend who has always been such a sweet lady, and always kind, popped up on my phone… I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I love you and hope you have a great day. 💜

As I sit here smiling grateful once again for what I do have it helps ease the pain just that much more from what I am missing. I am going to enjoy the flowers I bought yesterday from my local florist friend, filled with color and fresh smelling lavender to calm my heart and ease my mind. Flowers make me happy and calm my soul. I am looking forward to a somewhat uncertain emotional weekend but filled with love, fun and creating new memories. No expectations, no limits and last-minute changes are welcome. Stay tuned…

From new life to death, from purity to passion, flowers have had many meanings in myths and legends. Swelling from tender bud to full bloom, flowers are associated with youth, beauty, and pleasure. But as they wilt and die, flowers represent fragility and the swift passage from life into death, and that is okay.