I am the 44-year-old mother of a 14-year-old boy, one whose dad died just a few weeks shy of his 12th birthday. An impressionable, difficult growing age to say the least. A mother who wants what’s best for her son but is working hard to release the guilt she feels for such a great loss to him that she had absolutely no control over, while somehow trying to live a life that shows him just how strong he can be through her example, while never letting go of the memories but still being able to create new happiness amongst the pain. She doesn’t want to give any impression whatsoever of replacing his father but also knows she is old enough to understand life moves forward (not on) yet young enough to know she deserves a second chance at a fulfilled and happy future. Her widowed friends seem to call it life part-two. She thinks her son seems to think she is somehow cheating or disrespecting or replacing his dad, but deep down wants his mom to be happy, heck he wants to be happy without guilt, to find men that he can do dad things with him even though he doesn’t want or need a new dad in his life, a mentor or buddy or a confidant is truly important. He has several guys who have stepped up to take him under their wing and do things that he enjoys doing, no one will ever teach him like his father did, but in his short 11+ years of life he managed to retain a bunch of information, skills, and talents that he learned from his father. In this I truly feel 100% blessed. When you are robbed of the experiences that you thought you would have had growing up, it can taint you or it can make you grow. You can, just like my friend’s story with her grandmother’s words ringing in her ear… it can make you bitter or it can make you better. I always hope he chooses better.
I have a lot of love to give and to be completely honest I
watched my mom live for me, then Paxton and never really find true love or
happiness after my dad died. She struggled with finding that person who
fulfilled her with companionship. To my observant eyes she was always looking
for my dad, in every guy she dated, and in every relationship she tried to
build. I know that I am not looking for Steve, I had him. He was a complete
pain in my ass sometimes, but I loved him, I know he loved me, and we were good
together and I would still be with him if he was alive. I always strived to
make things work, even in the most difficult times or the worst moments. I am
not looking to find Steve. I am looking for someone who can make me feel alive,
someone who loves the real me, who I am able to enjoy life part two with and
whose heart will mesh with mine. I want someone who brings out the best in me,
still wants to be with me at my worst and is equally yoked in my desires and
intentions and whose life aligns and combines seamlessly and we blend well into
each other’s. I know some of you might be saying, she acts as if it is that
easy. Maybe not but no one said it had to be hard either. As I have mentioned
before, you must have a limitless possibility vibe. Is anything ever really
seamless, or is it our perception of it.
I posted a social media story while on vacation in San Diego this week. We
stopped to watch the sunset and when I removed my sunglasses what I saw was different
than through the lens I had chosen to wear that day. Interestingly, I thought
how much prettier it seemed with the glasses on then off. Life is like this. We
all view things through different lenses than one another and sometimes
different lenses than our own self. Sometimes you just need to alter your perception
to get the view you are intending to receive.
No matter who I chose to date, or how long they are a part
of my life before I introduce them to Paxton, there is still that elephant in
the room that whether it is a month, 2, 6 or a year, at some point, at some
time it will have to be addressed. They will have to meet, it will be awkward,
it will seem edgy, confusing or even impossible to predict. Nothing can be
planned for the perfect scenario or the least uncomfortable moment, it just has
to feel right and natural and no amount of time to wait can be calculated to
predict that most comfortable setting for a uncomfortable situation. No amount
of confidence in who I chose or who I am dating or who I let into my life is a
guarantee, so waiting too long could also be just as weird. Remember I have
said over and over, no two people, no two situations, or family dynamics are
ever going to be the same, so no comparisons and no timeframes or rules seem to
be one size fits all. Just do what you do, when you do it because deep down it
feels right, and then go from there.
Paxton’s counselor has been preparing Paxton for this for about
a year. He is a great man and I truly feel he was brought into our lives for a
reason. He said, bless his heart, “your mom is young, she is pretty, she is
caring and kind and she will probably find someone to love and who will love
her back.” There is a lot more that went into this conversation that they have
had multiple times. Paxton is my number 1 priority after God and myself and this
will never change. He knows this, but I absolutely see when the apprehension, tension,
confusion, doubt, fear and anxiety play a huge role in how he sees what I am doing
and how it reflects on him, his future, and what he has always known. And believe
me all of it comes with the greatest unknown, but just like everything in life
nothing is a guarantee, change is inevitable and predictions, fears, anxieties,
doubts, or even triumphs, success, fulfilled goals, and wins don’t always come
true exactly as planned no matter how hard you attempt to figure out the future,
or how many times you play a scenario over in your head trying to be as
prepared as you can for every possible outcome. Sometimes you must just trust
your gut and let it play out as it will. No matter how hard you try or how much
you prepare it doesn’t always go the way you plan but goes the way that it
should for what is needed. And we don’t always know what we need.
Which brings me to a friend who posted a quote on her story
last week that took me back to a conversation I had with another friend a few days
prior, as she and I discussed me opening a life coaching business. It said I
think I finally hit my “it is what it is” stage with EVERYTHING. My
previous conversation alluded to the fact that my other friend said that this
saying drives her crazy, she doesn’t believe it at all. It should state… it
is what it can be. And then there is me who thinks it is what it
should be.
When I first went out with the guy that I am currently
dating he said something to me that has stuck in my head. We had been talking
for a few weeks before we met for drinks where we ended up having a 3 hour conversation
that just flowed so naturally time wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I will
never forget how he looked at me and said this just feels natural, and I
knew exactly what he meant when he said it. Sometimes things just flow with no pressure,
no forced or false effort, and no expectations of what is to come.
A few weeks ago, he and I decided it seemed like a good time
to meet each other’s kids. Is there every really a perfect time frame or situation?
His being still relatively young wasn’t given the option to meet me, just
enticed to come visit a farm full of animals and have a chance to ride a horse,
but Paxton at the age he is and from the circumstances he has went through, I
found it only fair to get his consent or blessing or persuade him into going
along with the idea of meeting. I am not going to go into all the details, it
seems especially unnecessary since it didn’t go like any scenario I had falsely
created in my mind ahead of time. LOL, does it ever? It turned out like it was
supposed to, a little nudging from a few friends, some similar hobbies, easy conversation,
and a little relief getting it out of the way. He didn’t stay the whole
evening, in fact I gave him an out, but he did put in some effort, and I absolutely
love him for it. My kid is nothing shy of polite and kind when it counts. The buildup
and anticipation can really be exhausting. Let’s just say I am glad I got that portion
out of the way; I am blessed that Pax is open even in the slightest enough to
be interested and that I am dating a guy who is patient and kind enough to
understand the importance of timing and who is a father himself putting his kid
first and understanding that I am doing that for mine while we both know there
is room for each other in the mix, and no matter our background or our past our
current familial status or weighing daily tasks and responsibilities; happiness
is desired and deserved and tangible.
Life isn’t a fairy tale, things don’t always come together
smoothly, things are built with effort, understanding and a little watering when
necessary, but it doesn’t need to be hard, it doesn’t need to be a struggle to
fit, it doesn’t always fit like a glove so don’t expect it to, but also know
that if you have to force something together it is more than likely going to wear
wrong or break, then you know it most definitely is not the right fit. Wait for
the fit that molds together and feels natural.
Paxton and I just returned from our trip with friends. We didn’t really go with a plan, just a house we
rented and some desire for the beach, sun, and water! We had such a great time,
relaxed, laughed, and enjoyed the company. We all went on the roller coaster on
Mission Beach. The kids most definitely wanted to go for the thrill. My friend
said I will go if you are, I love roller coasters, so I was on board for
sure. As we climbed into the car, she grabbed my hand and told me she hated
roller coasters but loved them at the same time! In a way I felt bad that I
dragged her along, but deep down knew she wanted to go. Sometimes our anxieties
can stop us from doing things in life that can be most fulfilling. But if we
just get over the initial fear and go for it, it becomes the most rewarding
experience. Just like I couldn’t predict
the when and how of Steve dying, or be ready for it, I don’t know how my future
will go either, I can let my fears of failing or losing someone else set in or
I can just be excited about the possibilities and enjoy the ride. Get on board
with your life and let the thrill overcome the doubt. You never know what is just
around the corner if you get on.
