Give it to God and Go to Bed

 

I was reluctant to post this at first. Worried about what people might think or get the wrong impression of my why... but then I decided as transparent as I have been thus far, I cannot go back now. There are lots of personal or intimate thoughts that I think on a daily basis that I could never share with anyone here but this one may help someone who may be feeling the same way not feel so wrong. 

Here is where I emphasize again that no two people no matter how similar their situation will have the same journey and that is why sharing mine may help someone feel the heaviness of theirs may become just a tad bit lighter. 

I love my house, my land, my space, all of the things that Steve helped create as a peaceful oasis for Paxton and I. I love that his friends finished my orchard space where I can go and relax, have a glass of wine, read a book and sit by the fire, or gather for an outdoor meal with family and friends. This all makes me so happy. I love that he is still "here" and that he accomplished so much that we can enjoy for years to come. 

I have always been easy to please and never super opinionated about the décor that Steve liked, At the beginning when we first moved in together he was working a lot at big expensive homes in Scottsdale and Paradise Valley and his tastes were super modern and expensive. I grew up with lots of antiques and mismatched things in my family home and never really had a want for anything that I could remember. I welcomed the change when his creativity and design instinct took over our first home. We had A LOT of glass things and modern looking furniture and surprisingly even after Paxton came we taught him to be respectful and nothing was ever broken or damaged. 

As we moved into our second home and then my mom passed away there were a few pieces of antique furniture of hers that didn't fit at our cabin or I didn't want to part with that I introduced into our home, his tastes changed a little living on a "ranch" and we welcomed more woods and a little cowboy décor. A tad more ranch/farmhouse style that I preferred, but still many of our original pieces remain. 

I purchased some wood like tile recently that I will replace all the flooring in our home that neither one of us liked much anyway.  Something that will make it more uniform and definitely more farmhouse/ranch style. As most of you may have read in an earlier blog I cleaned out my entire closet, except his gun safe and few pelts and some slippers that I like to wear, to make it my own. Last week I decided that having a space of my own that didn't reflect something of his choosing was something that I needed just for me on this journey. I went from ordering a new bed, to freshening up my paint, to deciding to redo all new paint and colors and furniture and pictures and the whole shebang.  I will leave the TV on the wall but everything else is going to reflect this new me, the me that I am without him, because I didn't just lose him, I lost a huge piece of who I was as well and I need to find and define the new me. I will never be that same person again. The person I become will be a reflection of my old self, my experiences and what steps and decisions I make on my journey forward and I just pray that this person will be accepted by those who matter the most. 

Some may view this me as trying to push Steve out, and that is ok, everyone is entitled to their opinions. Absolutely feel free to keep those to yourself. A Facebook contact of mine is experiencing a journey where he recently lost his wife and people are not super understanding of his journey the pace it is taking or all the decisions he is making. I am sure that I will experience this down the road as I make more and more decisions on my own for the happiness and healing of myself and Paxton. I have just surrendered that I am going to let the Holy Spirit guide me in the right direction and I will not let anyone's opinion, lack of respect or loss of friendship break me. 

Some people may want to get rid of everything they shared with the person they lost, some people may want to move out of their home that may make them sad, some people may hold onto to everything that person had with them, never get rid of the bed they shared,  clothes they wore, or move a single thing from where it was for years, or maybe ever. No matter what you choose it is ok! You do you. What is best for you and what makes you cope, heal or learn to live better along side your grief will be the best thing that you can do for you. No one else can experience this for you except you, so don't allow them to make your decisions or tell you what to do, or make you feel ashamed for what decisions you make, if they do then they really are not you friend. 

I don't want to sleep in the same bed Steve and I slept in for the last 19 + years, (don't worry we have had more than one mattress in that amount of time, lol), I just can't anymore.  In my head I wondered what people would think if they came and saw that my bedroom was completely different, but ultimately I need to do what makes me happy, what allows me the inner peace that I need to still live, because life doesn't stop for anything.  Right now in my life I need something new and exciting, something to look forward to and a place to call just my own and if remodeling a bedroom makes me feel good then this is what I NEED to do to make those feelings happen. I didn't ask for what happened to us! I didn't ask for Steve to get sick and die. I didn't deserve this but it happened.  I can only go forward in my healing process the way that is going to work for me. 

So no matter what you are going through no one is in your shoes EVER. It is ok to take people's advice it is ok to make mistakes, it is okay to feel lost on your journey because it is yours and no one else's- but if you continue to place your life in God's hands, surrender to His will on the plans He has for your purpose, and look forward to His promises you are going to be OK. I can promise you that. 

The canvas I purchased for above my new bed will read... Give it to God and Go to Bed. I love this. Take the time to reflect on what that means to you and the peace and tranquility that you may receive from doing it. 

Jeremiah 29:11 knowing that it is not a promise to immediately rescue us from hardship or suffering, but rather a promise that God has a plan for our lives and regardless of our current situation, He can work through it to prosper us and give us a hope.

The Sun Rises on a New Day

 Driving home from taking my brother to the airport this morning, I was blessed to be driving East as the sun was rising. It was breathtaking, this picture doesn't do it justice. I woke up to another day of life. It made me realize what a gorgeous world we live in, if we stop to take the beauty in, instead of always dwelling on the junk, bad and lack of what we have. What an amazing time to be in the car by myself and reflect on the last week before Christmas. The first Christmas without Steve. We have had great friends who have occupied us with a multitude of activities leading up to Christmas and it has been a nice distraction. 

Having my brother in town definitely helped keep us distracted, we did fun things, went to two movies, attended Christmas Eve services, laughed, cooked, made pierogies,(a family tradition) baked and enjoyed each others company... I can add in cried, but that was mostly just me... It was a good mix of awful and awesome all shoved into 4 days. 

The highlight of his trip was the Barbie doll gifted to me from him. After 30+ years of giving him a hard time for taking off my Barbie heads as a kid, and that they never quite fit right after they were removed- It really made me smile and laugh and lifted my spirits, more than he probably intended to. I now have a intact Barbie doll to share with my granddaughter someday- God willing I have one, along with the Barbies. I saved whose head's have previously been removed. I'm sure the story will go down in History. LOL, it is the little things that make me happy, I am pretty easy to please.

Coming home to a boy whose uncle has left and his best friend is out of town, I just had a feeling he was going to have an off day. Just like the feeling I get when someone comes for a few days and leaves, or we are distracted by activities and then all of a sudden there are days of quietness. I sure didn't realize how much Steve and I really talked, shared or communicated that when it is so quiet it is weird. It is definitely still somewhat of a roller coaster that we are on but a little less stressful than the one we experienced those 8 days at home he was sick and 28 days in the hospital before Steve died. 

The back to "normal" this is our life now, what do we do next feeling. How do we cope? What is the next thing that will make us sad, frustrated, alone or even make us laugh, be happy and smile? Just like life before Steve's death, most things we do are unpredictable. Many things are beyond our control, many things we just can't prepare for. We just have to take the ride, and experience the journey. Sometimes it will be smooth and other times rocky, sometimes we will be on an ultimate high and some times we are going to make mistakes or have crappy emotional days. Everything we have experienced thus far and everything that we will continue to experience will help shape us into the people we will become. Hopefully people who are quick to serve others, people who are loving and kind and continue to value life as a precious gift where we have a purpose to fulfill and we give it the best we can.

Sometimes he struggles with the stuff they did together.  Hopefully I can convince Paxton that even though his dad is gone the things he loves are still his passion and his dad wouldn't want him to quit or give up anything that important, he needs to carry them out in his honor, not focus on being sad that he isn't here to share them. He needs to understand his purpose hasn't been fulfilled and he must love life here the best he can despite his losses, and obstacles because one day it will bring him to an eternal life far beyond our greatest expectations. 

So as we get back into work, school, baseball, house projects and all the "normal" activities pray that our experiences and journey are more smooth than frustrating, that we are continuing to learn and grow and love ourselves and others and that we are staying focused on discovering what God has planned for our lives to fulfill our purpose. 

Find the Blessings

Sometimes you get hit with everything at once that requires your attention. Sometimes I wonder if we are being tested, tested by God or the Devil? I guess either way what matters is our response. And even if our immediate response isn't good, we should know that we can always find something positive from a bad situation. Several encounters I had yesterday (I will spare you all the details) that required my attention could have spiraled me into a really negative attitude but I tried my best not to let them.  Believe me some produced some negative attention, others some tears and still others that made me wish it was already today. 

So many things run through my mind. Can I do this? Is it too much? Will I ever feel normal? What is normal? Am I always going to have stress or tension? Will I cry at the drop of a hat forever?  Do people think I am crazy? Am I crazy? Am I making the right decisions? Am I loosing my mind? Does Paxton think I am still a good mom... and on and on... but come on, we all are our worst critics and we all self-talk negatively some of the time. But it is our responsibility to try to change these thoughts around as soon as we can. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. We are all flawed, but we must remember the end goal which is eternal life in Heaven, here on Earth is where we are not perfect and that is how it is meant to be. 

The biggest thing to top my day was when we got home last night from Paxton's hitting session and when he went out to feed, his horse spooked and ended up kicking the main water line for all the animal waterers and busting the pipe completely off. This flooded her pen and when the water was shut off prevented any of the animals from getting water. I went out and looked at the situation. In my mind I said " I got this" - I sort of knew how it was suppose to be fixed and I knew Steve had a bucket full of stuff in the garage for such incidents that needed fixing. I however doubted my ability to get it done without balling my eyes out or getting frustrated with myself and ended up calling the neighbor, who him and his dad, visiting from out of state, came at 9:00 pm to rescue me. After about an hour of evaluating, fixing and re-fixing it was fixed and I feel way more confident the next time that I might even venture fixing it myself if it happens again, which I am pretty convinced it will granted we have a bucket with a fixing kit that Steve already had made up. 

My husband may not have been all that organized but he was always prepared. He had multiples of things and always set up stuff to be "easier" to work on. Even though I may not note yesterday as a great day in my journal, I can't help but be grateful to be set up for success, even with all the upkeep I have and for all the friends we have that pitch in to help us when we need them. 

Find the blessings in your crappy day and focus on them. It can make all the difference. 

Take Two-Advice from the Ice skating rink

Disclaimer: I have blogged since 2010 so I am no stranger to writing my thoughts for others to read, so those of you new to the game of reading what I write, it is always current to what is going on in my life and what I am thinking at the time, but may not always follow my journey of grief. 

So after three of the kids convinced me to take them ice-skating AGAIN yesterday and skating for four hours. Yes I  ice-skated for 4 hours!!! Last Thursday, it did take me a little while to remember how to get used to it, even though we went last year. Not only did I realize how much fun I miss ice-skating now that we don’t live in such cold weather, but what a great leg workout it is. I hope this will motivate me to throw my rollerblades on now that we have new blacktop in our subdivision and get out and skate more often. 

At the skating rink my biggest observation of the night was all the teenage girls who pay $15, put on skates get on the ice have no idea what they’re doing take selfie‘s and Tick Tock videos in their skimpy outfits. I am not saying they don't look cute and  I’m not saying that figure skaters that skate professionally don’t have cute outfits but these girls are also not competing for metals, and there were definitely no boys their age of interest there they were trying to impress. With social media these days, you don't have to be in the presence of the same location to attract the opposite sex.  They stay for about 30 minutes taking sexy provocative "fun" photos over and over while everyone skates around them and then leave.  

My now current more often random thought process where I have lots more time to reflect on things in my life has led me to try to remember what I did between the ages of 14 and 18 years old. I grew up in a  time without social media. I had a pager in high school where you actually had to find a phone to call the other person to find out what they wanted. Cell phones were not as accessible to the majority as they are now. The biggest pressure we had was pictures of girls in teen magazine, being dropped off at that mall by a parent to shop for a few hours, the quality of clothes that our friends had compared to ourselves and keeping up with the latest styles from Saved by the Bell or 90210. 

Not that I’m NOT worried about raising a teenage boy in this society but I am so glad that I don’t have girls. And so far my little dude is pretty content being who he is and doesn't care what other people think.  I was a girl and I know how hard it is for girls to want to feel accepted, wanted, and even loved at that age. With all the in your face social media whether it’s true or not they are being bombarded with images of girls with perfect photos, flawless faces from all the filters that are available, and news of statuses and quotas that they feel they have to meet based off what everyone else is posting. 

In my day you actually had to take a picture and wait until it came back from the drugstore developed to see what it is that you looked like during a particular moment or memory you wanted to have. I have boxes of plenty of awful, blurry, double chins,  and cut off photos of people and things I did to prove it. These girls have the ability to change how they look in an instant. Confession I have retaken a lot of photos in the digital age to get one I like..  (maybe not using a filter, I don't even know how to do that, but several "takes" to be happy with my appearance before posting)  I am a girl remember so yes, I do have the same issues with image being important but who wouldn't want to make themselves look good and feel good doing it...but it isn't something I do on a regular basis. 

These teenage girls today in my observation are obsessed with this.  I get it, there are so many pressures but what I am saying is that they seem to put way too much emphasis on what they look like, how they present themselves online and what everyone else thinks, comments or says about them, to the extent that I feel a lot of them don't have any other hobbies or interests at times, or so it seems. Their lives are filled with chaos, trying to find themselves, fit in, be liked and so on now! Their issues, problems and anxieties are real to them so make sure to embrace their concerns rather than brush them off as not important- at a later date you may be grateful you did. 

I would say I was definitely all around popular in school, in the fact that I was diverse in my activities, I was at the top of my graduating class, I was on a spell bowl team, I played the flute in the band, I played tennis and was part of a swim club, a class officer and student council president. (making that list maybe a little geeky too! LOL)  I knew and could get along with just about everyone. I did however lack that attention that most teenage girls are looking for which comes from boys. Most all my girl friends had boyfriends but I just didn't stand out in that realm. I had lots of friends that were boys and I do recollect that I was probably sad and jealous at times, but honestly I cannot really remember that much about it, because now it doesn't matter. I remember one of the guys that I liked in high school I asked years later, on Facebook messenger I think,  and he mentioned that most of the boys were intimidated by my personality, intelligence and grace and no one wanted to mess with that. I took it as a compliment now, but back then I am sure I wouldn't have understood the value as I do now. 

I don't envy these girls at all, I am grateful I am not having to raise one during this digital period and I really give Kudos to those who are! Good luck to you moms and dads out there struggling with this. I can't even being to tell you how to cope, except to try to get to know your daughter's personality and what her needs are and how she ticks so that you can have the reactions and responses you need to help her through it. And I will try my best on my end to raise a respectable, caring, loving son who they may date! 

If I could share one thing that I wished would be able to instill on these girls would be that high school really doesn't matter. It is so hard at that age to believe that though. Most kids are living in the moment, which is what some of us adults need to practice more sometimes as well. Be in the moment, but don't put so much stake in it.  To be completely honest most high school relationships though at the time seem life changing do not follow you into adulthood, (there are always exceptions to this) so the fact that I didn't have all the attention then didn't really hold me back from creating what I wanted for my future. 

What you do with your life after is what will make the most impact on whether you view your future as successful or not. And only you can control and determine what success looks like to you. Everyone of us measures this differently so comparing yourself in high school or even now is what you perceive your life should look like, but may not be what your highest potential is by following your heart.  I wouldn't trade my life now to go back and be the most popular, prettiest, boy catching teen... because despite losing a bunch of people around me I love... I love the life I have created for myself and maybe it was in part to everything I endured,  but it led me to the hard working, value keeping, loving, people serving, caring, loyal and successful person that I have become as an adult and was worth the journey  the wait. And only I can measure this, as can they. 

Let us as adults strive to keep in mind the importance most girls place on appearance and always find something to compliment them about physically, while also finding all the other qualities they possess that are far greater and will take them a lot further in their life then their hairstyles, body style, fingernails, outfit choices and social media posts that they make. Be as good of an example as you can not to let your social media posts only reflect the perfection you have created for yourself as theirs will tend to follow. Having a good self image is definitely hard sometimes but important to our mental health as well as the example we are setting for those to follow. Learn to love the things about you that others do. We are often our own worst critics. 

You are beautiful for you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139

Whose side are you on

 I am sure most of you have a “side of the bed”. After years of sleeping on the same side of the bed it seems weird when you have to sleep on the opposite side at some point for some reason if you even have.  

Now that I’m by myself a lot I have a lot of time to think and random thoughts pop in my head sometimes. I was just thinking the other day about when I was growing up what side of the bed I slept on. It was not the same side of the bed that I’ve slept on once Steve became part of my life.  Somehow when that special someone slips into your life, it is easy to make a new side of the bed yours. 

As I was laying in bed a few days ago, I realized I was sleeping on his side of the bed. I was trying to remember over the last almost 5 months that he has not slept in our bed, when or why I moved over there. Because you know brain fog (it is really a thing) and all, I really had to think about it. 

Thinking back to when Steve first went into the hospital and Paxton wanted me to lay with him every night. In his queen size bed piled up with two dogs and a cat, after a week or so it got too uncomfortable. So I suggested he come lay in my bed. He did not want to sleep on his father’s side of the bed. So I did. 

The weekend that Pax went to our friends ranch up in Prescott in October he came back and slept in his own bed and slept there since.  I have never moved back  from Steve’s side of the bed. I honestly couldn’t tell you if it’s a sense of comfort or if I just reclaimed my original side of the bed… Or if it’s just because Piper is all curled up on my side by the time I go to bed and I don’t make her move…( she is kind of a grouchy bitch when she is sleeping). Whatever the reason when I do sleep I am comfortable. 

It makes me miss the compromising relationship we did have. I am a pretty content person to see others happy and I did that a lot with him. If I didn’t have an adamant opinion one way or the other I didn’t make a stink about it. .Most of the time this is how relationships should be. We can’t always get what we want, love should be easy but tending to that love takes time, effort, and lots of compromise. Nothing and no one is perfect it is an investment.

Steve was a very detailed and visionary person when it came to projects and they always turned out nice. If you have ever been to our house you know this. I didn’t give a lot of input, not that he didn’t ask but  I was grateful to have him decide and I would just enjoy the outcome. I miss the ability to make decisions with him or ask for his input , and while we didn’t always agree it’s pretty empty and a little stressful when you don’t have someone to bounce ideas off of that has been a stable figure for the last 23+ years. So if I ask any of you your thoughts please give me input, LOL. 

Steves friend asked me a few weeks ago if I felt free making decisions not having to consult with anyone and my answer was not really. Something’s maybe, but not all. This will take some getting used to. I have had to make some decisions most recently where I really don’t have anyone who can just tell me what to do when I can’t decide, especially concerning money or Pax. And although I’m a pretty independent thinker I keep teasing to my friends that how independent can I really be having been with the same person since I was 19! 

We definitely had our own interests and didn’t have to be on top of one another all the time and had an understanding that some things didn’t need a consultation by the other person first, but it’s sort of scary and a new territory to not have the option and to be completely honest I’m scared to make mistakes. But I know if I’m doing the right thing for Paxton and I no matter what I decide it will be the right choice at the time. And I just have to put my faith and trust in God that he will lead me down the path that we need to go, for us. 

So just as I mixed up or reestablished my side of the bed depending on your perspective, I will continue to claim back my independence until I slowly feel comfortable making decisions on my own again. In the meantime if I ask for your opinion and you have one give it, but if I don’t necessarily take it don’t be offended, the end decision is still up to me. 

Proverbs 15:22 Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed. 

Christmas Spirit

The holidays are suppose to be about uplifting others, doing good, appreciating what we have, being thankful for the Reason for the Season and so on. The gifts and festivities are a bonus! So many people that I have come into contact with in the last few weeks, just expect this time to be hard for us, a time of sorrow, sadness and hurt. I am not above thinking that this year will be different, that memories and the lack of new ones being made with the ones we love will not hurt... they will for sure. I am just saying that it doesn't have to be the focus of the season for me or anyone going through any loss or trauma or difference in their holiday routine. 

Death is a part of life and while it hurts those of us left behind because of the deep love we had for the person, it doesn't mean that is what we have to concentrate on. Instead of concentrating on the lack of, we can truly find what we will miss most about that person or persons and truly celebrate those things! 

Embrace the good, make new memories, bask in the love of those around you, be a do-gooder for someone else who is struggling, do random acts of kindness. Do things that make you feel good, let go of things that don't if they are out of obligation. So many have said to me that I don't need to do things if they are too stressful or hard, and I agree. But I do need to do the things that make me feel alive, vibrant, and connected. I am a positive person with a lot of love to give. This year shouldn't be any different for me in that aspect! Spreading joy, love and hope is something I have always been good at. This isn't something that I feel like I can disregard this year, because it makes me happy and I deserve to have happiness no matter what is going on around me.  I want to instill in my son that life still goes on, we are still here, we deserve to be happy and laugh and feel joy despite our heartache. His dad would never expect our lives our hobbies or our happiness to stop. I am no stranger to death and although this loss seems the most significant for me over any other that I have had, I believe God has my back and I can do anything with his guidance. 

To my family and friends who want to know what to do for us this holiday season, please don't feel sorry for us, don't create an unhappy moment that doesn't need to exist.  This doesn't mean we don't have these moments, we do but they don't need to be  made just recognized. 

Do treat us like you normally would when Steve was still here, empathy is great but too much emphasis on what we lack instead of what we have can bring us down, especially if we are having a good day already, we are still here and want to celebrate the Reason for the Season, the lights, the fun, the joy and magic Christmas truly has to offer. If you want ask us to do something fun, or just make us genuinely laugh, bring us joy and love and fun...this is what we need.  You are a huge part of helping us heal our broken hearts, I believe your heart after loss will never truly fuse back together with a straight line but you can get as close to that as possible. Have you ever dropped something and had to glue it back together? It will never line up exactly the same, but with time, patience, and care when you are gluing and holding it you can get as close as possible. 

Make sure if you are grieving you are not concentrating on the people who aren’t here so much that you neglect those who still are. 

May you all feel the love of Christ this Christmas, the Peace of His promise and the Hope for your future. 

Taking Over His Space

 If you have read my previous blogs you know that it took what felt like forever to move Steve's shoes from the bedroom floor, all 4 pairs of them right there in the middle of the walkway to outside. I just couldn't touch them until one day I could and I shoved them in the closet. 

It has now been 4.5 months since he stepped foot inside this house and walking in and of my closet sometimes numerous times a day I was at my breaking point. I just could not stand to look at all of his clothes and shoes that he would not wear again, EVER. Just there, unorganized, things draped over other things, nothing hung in order or folded properly. You see my side of the closet is a little messy because of the lack of space, but it is color coordinated and I don't often have a hard time finding what I am looking for. His side on the other hand... I actually re-organized, folded and rehung his clothes every few months just because that little bit of OCD in me it got to be too much. This was no different except he isn't here. My re-organization skills were bursting to get started. I asked Paxton if he minded, he said no... 

Reminder that when my mom died almost 7 years ago she was renting a house whose year lease was up in 21 days from the day she passed away and I really had no choice but to organize and purge. Keep what is important, throw away the junk and let someone else enjoy the good stuff that still has "life" in it. 

I was determined to get it all done at one time, no dragging this out into multiple days!

 I cried A LOT. He isn't here, he isn't coming back, this isn't fair and I didn't ask for this, but this is what I have been handed. I am still here and I need to do what makes me comfortable, happy, and encouraged.  I mostly did it alone and when Cyndee came over to pick up her daughter she held open bags for trash or donations and listened to me cry until I was done ( quite a few much needed Veterans might need these clothes, shoes, socks - thanks Megan for the suggestion and offering to pick it all up). 

I was sad, angry and relieved all at the same time. There were 14 pairs of pants or shorts with tags still on them... 1 shirt. He was a man who always liked to be prepared, and also when he liked something bought multiples of it... I wished I did that with my favorite lipstick color years ago that they have since discontinued, I swear I have tried 4-5 since then with no real luck in getting the same shade. 

I saved a few things Paxton wanted, some sweatshirts and tee shirts he always wore and his golf cleats and his leather coat (you never know when that will be in style, it may also make a nice dress up coat if Paxton needs one down the road), I saved his snow clothes to take to the cabin, you never know when someone who comes, may need something warmer.  We saved all of his baseball caps, I am sure we can do something with these- he wore baseball caps a lot and I couldn't part with them, they went into a bag though so I don't have to look at them everyday. Everything else filled up in layers in my bathtub awaiting new owners to don it. I threw away all dingy, stained, worn socks and shoes etc. This filled up both my garbage cans. I think my husband was a bit of a hoarder... I contemplated asking friends if they wanted any of his good stuff, jackets, coats, etc. and decided that I just couldn't handle asking around, waiting for people to come get it, try it on, what if it didn't fit, on to the next person and so on as it lingered in my house taking up space... and not sure I could handle seeing it on someone we know or see on a regular basis anyway... so donating is the best thing I can do and then it is out of here. 

Several weeks ago, my niece and I cleaned out my office (bedroom 4) and tried to adapt a lot of it into my closet, so Paxton could make bedroom 4 a teen room for now to hang out with friends. This just made me even more agitated every time I walked into my closet in disarray, with all the "extra" stuff as well. After purging last night I was ready to re-organize and make the closet my own, which ultimately it is, I am on my own now and it should be exactly the way that I would feel joy every time that I walk in. 

Maybe you lost a loved one and hanging onto their stuff long term is what you need, and that is ok. I can't stress enough that everyone grieves differently, but in my case, this purging and cleansing is exactly what I needed, and that is ok. 

Who would have thought you could feel joy in a closet? But that is exactly what I feel. 

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

 

Fishing Forward

 

Laughter... that is what is really getting me through this. And lots of considerate people, who just want to see me happy. Something so little in the grand scheme of things, but if you can keep me entertained, I am winning. Every time I have a chance to smile and laugh, I am reminded that I will be ok and able to live with this.

 Being surrounded by people is what is helping Paxton and I through this. Activities to do, memories to make, reflections to take, friends and family and of course LOVE. I need people to understand, my brain is not functioning like it normally would, I don't always remember everything I do, say or have to do or offer to do for that matter, who I said what to or have already told or didn't tell something to,  my brain is fogged. Please don't hesitate to remind me. Sometimes I will want to participate and do things and sometimes I will not. Don't stop asking. Just know right now, most things have to be on my time at my comfortability level and just doing things or inviting me to things goes a lot further in my happiness book then open invitations to lunch, coffee, wine when I am "ready" or asking me what I need... Just ask me to do something, give me a time or show up and help me with something. I am probably not going to call to arrange a "hang out" date when I am "ready". Whatever that means... ready for what...to not be sad anymore, to not cry every day at some point, to be back to '"normal" to be over my grief? These things may never happen... So just plan something and I will try my best to come, and talk to me about other things than how I "am doing". 

Paxton needs friends, and the most for people to treat him normal. He mentioned to me the other day, he wished people would talk to him like they did before his dad died. Just ask him about baseball or fishing or roping,  not about how he is doing, or is he holding up? Asking the questions with an emphasis that makes him seem sad, or that they feel sorry for him. He just wants people to make him feel like a normal kid, even though right now he may not feel like one. Sometimes people can tend to make him feel worse when they act concerned verses encouraging.

 He is going fishing this weekend with friends, and I was nervous at first if he would want to go at all... he has struggled with things that he and his dad did together and I have struggled not trying to push him and let him do life as he needs to to process this and his future going forward. He was in the boat trying to decide if he uses his dad's stuff.... He was hesitant so I asked what he was thinking. He said, " well, I am not sure if I should use dad's rods, I guess they are mine now, it's not like he is going to use them anymore. " I fought back my tears and encouraged him that his dad would want him to use them if he wanted to and there was no one better than him to use them, so why not. He proceeded to pick two out of the boat, both Steve's and he seemed satisfied. This made my heart warm and I was proud of him for making this decision. Saturday may be a hard day for him but I hope the crisp morning, the wind in his face as the boat glides across the water and the company of he and his dad's friends will be enough to carry him through. I hope he enjoys himself and doesn't come home empty handed. Catching something will certainly boost his ego as well as his spirits. 

No one knows how to be or act or what to say most of the time when someone dies. No one else is going through or reacting the way that we are so nothing is expected of people to know what to say and everyone means well, but sometimes things can be taken a certain way personally because it isn't what we are feeling at the time. 

That is the best thing about communication and allowing others in to your life and what is ok for you, how you want to be treated and what to expect. Never feel bad for telling someone how you need to be treated to react in a way that positive or effective. We all absorb things and react differently, and it is safe to say assuming what others are thinking or want never gets us very far if it isn't what is really happening or what we need, so why not just spell out how we want to be treated to those who love us the most anyway. 

Life is like fishing, sometimes it is all about the bite whether you catch anything or not, if you are using the right equipment for the time, what the weather conditions are, who you are with, the time of day, season, year... and so much more. Embrace your experience. 

Fishing teaches you to practice patience and perseverance, deal with loss, problem solving skills, friendly competition, being aware of your surroundings and most of all being present. (be present in the moment enjoy where you are and what you are doing, the beauty surrounding you and the company you share.) 

My Own Hallmark Movie

 

For those of you who know me well know that I am a Hallmark movie kind of gal. I’m a writer, and I crave a good love story with a happy ending no matter how predictable it is. But my true love of these movies is they always seem to take place in a small town where people are compassionate, friendly and always willing to help each other out. These feel-good movies are definitely not real life to a T- But I will tell you I love living in a small town that is as close to a Hallmark movie setting as I can get, and it is super cute and rich in history as well which is a bonus!

 

Local business owners and the town getting together to make special times such as Christmas a place to gather for family and friends to spread cheer, laughter, and love throughout the community. To make outsiders feel welcomed and to support one another. People are friendly, they genuinely care about one another, come together in difficult circumstances, and support each other’s businesses. Just like borrowing a cup a sugar from a neighbor, if you need something and they have it, they are going to share. I am so grateful that my company owner chose Florence and chose me to open her most recent branch in my town. My sense of connection and purpose are a little more defined and the timing was perfect. 

 

The event and parade for Christmas on Main has been around for years, last year due to Covid it wasn’t a go. But this year it was business as usual. And I was so excited to be a part of it instead of a spectator! My Business partner Michelle and I sponsored Face Painting and A Balloon Artist for the kids at our office and it was a steady line for the whole 2 hours we offered it! So many people came out and gathered. The businesses stayed open late, with activities for the kids and adults. The lines for food were long, Santa and the Grinch came to visit. The mayor counted down to lighting the street, which was beautiful, by the way, as the lights came on up and down Main St, all at one time. There was fake snow falling from the Silver King (who said it doesn’t snow here) and dancing in the street. The float lights lit up the town as they passed by and waived, candy was scooped up from the street by excited little kids and I had the best view from our balcony.

 

Many friends/acquaintances stopped by to see our new office, and I received all the hugs I needed for the day and some for a few days after that. Besides the constant asking of “how are you doing” in that now all to familiar tone of , worry, where I often just reply back, “I am here, we are doing the best we can.” I had a great last few days. I was busy, I was occupied, and I had a purpose that ran right alongside people’s enthusiasm for the Season, and that is what makes me smile and will make me continue to give, besides the fact I have so much bottled up love with no where to go, I have always had a big heart and loved to see the impact my community service has on others, even if it is just to see a little kid light up with the fact that they didn’t have to pay to have a unicorn painted on their face, or a balloon monkey sit on their shoulder.

 

I have been blogging since 2010- all my post forward will be after this huge life event that has affected me like nothing I have experienced this far, but not all of my posts will be centered around grief as I learn to live alongside my grief instead of consumed within it. 

Being in the right place at the right time helps- surrounded by the right people. I truly believe in destiny by Gods plan and I look forward to him guiding me in my next purpose although I wished I had a crystal ball sometimes, I will try to be patient and enjoy the journey, as best as I can. I will never know where it will lead or what happiness can come my way if I don't embrace the journey. 

“The old you has been left behind to leave place for the new you. And it will be a new you that your new friends will admire, that your old friends will struggle to understand and that your true friends will learn to embrace.”
― lauren klarfeld

Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." "Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." Joshua 1:9

Ice Cream fixes everything...unless the line is too long

 

The last week has been full of it's ups and downs. To catch you up to speed from my mishap Monday. If you didn't catch it you might need to back up on my blog a few days.  My Tuesday morning post was not so positive. Tuesday was Paxton's turn. I fought him to go to practice. He wanted me to stay and watch I told him no. He said "dad would stay" I said " I'm not your dad." 

Let me just tell you I love my kid to death, I would just about do anything ever for him, but I can and will not give into every request he has, I will not let him guilt me into something. It has to feel right to me. I am not going to be a pushover and I really need some me time every once in a while. I don't want to sound selfish to anyone, but I really don't think I am being selfish. I need to take care of me too. We are both grieving and I cannot possibly spend 24/7 with him all the time. He called me just about an hour or so after I left him that he had a stomach ache and thought he might throw up. This happens sometimes when he has to go to the bathroom. I didn't want to call him a liar but my intuition knew it wasn't just a stomach ache. 

I left where I was and picked him up early. He had just wanted me to stay, his dad  would have, I didn't, he spent the whole amount of practice he was at reflected on the fact that his dad should have been there and he was not. He just wanted him there, one more time, for one more hug, for one more "good job buddy, nice hit, great block...etc" And you know what, so do I. All I could say is "me too." I offered ice cream (that is what my friend Shannon always told me worked when the kids were mad at you or you screwed up), when he accepted I knew it wasn't really a stomachache from being sick, just heartbroken. The Dairy Queen drive-thru was like 15 or more cars deep and he didn't want to wait and inside was closed, so we actually skipped it. 

We all handle grief differently, and therefore I am not going to say I wasn't a little disappointed in his white lie, because I am sure his stomach did hurt in a way that probably did make him feel like he would throw up, but not for the reasons most would think of or necessarily the one he implied, but I wasn't about to punish him for it. I did tell him I was sorry that his dad wasn't here to be there watching, to cheer him on, to yell at him for his mistakes and encourage him to do better- I did not however apologize for not staying at his practice, because my night too was cut short. 

Wednesday we had a Paxton and mom day. We spent the day hanging out together, we went to lunch and dinner- ran some errands, finally took Steve’s wedding ring to get sized to fit my thumb- and did some random acts of kindness (I'll leave you with that or they wouldn't be random if I told you what we did.) It is good for him to see even in the midst of our grief, we can still take care and be compassionate for others. These life lessons will remain with him well into adulthood and I hope that he too can do nice things for strangers without expecting anything in return or any acknowledgement for his acts other then his interior sense of satisfaction. 

Today I got a beautiful Christmas bouquet of flowers, from an anonymous friend. I love flowers and this sure put a smile to my face. Tonight he decided to go with me to Cookies and Cocoa with Santa, the event I have organized and done at the school for the last 7 years. I figured he was just a little too old to get in the spirit, he didn't go last year, but he really wanted to go this year, we argued over practice (my niece was suppose to take him) and I remembered how he mentioned that even though he didn't believe in the Elf or Santa anymore it was still okay if they came, and that the Elf didn't have to have a rhyming note every morning, the note could just say where to look for him- this reminded me that Christmas spirit is a sense of peace to which gives you hope. I want to do whatever I can to renew his hope and spirit and if this includes going back to traditions that fill his life with the magic of Christmas then so be it for me to renew those child-like wishes! Our kids do tend to grow up fast, and if one year he reverts back to the innocent little kid he once was, I am really ok with that. He went with me and he was super helpful, with setup,  the cookie booth, putting things away and helping his principal take all the trash to the big dumpster.  I was very proud of him tonight, he was right where he needed to be for his sense of well being, and missing one practice, even though it was right before his tournament, I feel helped set his mind in the right frame to play his best this weekend. I strongly feel if I would have forced him to go- the outcome may be different.  

So as of tomorrow the Elf will return, I will move him around, put a note on his door and he will come with a gift or a pay it forward task for Paxton, as he normally would. In hopes that this little bit of joy, will help him have a little bit more faith, a little more to smile about and a little more sense of feeling loved this season! We will surely not have amazing days everyday, but we are in this together and we will do it our way, and hopefully we will have more good days then bad this holiday season. I know I am sure going to try. 

From my Christmas card to you;

Wishing you the Spirit of Christmas, which is Peace

The Blessing of Christmas which is Hope,

From the Heart of Christmas which is Christ. 

"It's just a cabinet door"

 I write for my healing and therapy, and with the hope that someone going through their own grieving situation may find comfort in knowing they are not alone. The thoughts they think and the things they do are not ridiculous or outrageous or taboo. Yesterday has to go down in my books as about one of the lowest days I have had so far. I didn't even know a person had this many tears. I cried more than the day Steve died, in fact more than I probably have any day thus far.

I woke up with the sad feeling I get on certain days, it is just there and some days no matter how hard I try, how positive I think or how much I try to distract myself with work or activities, it just does not go away. I actually haven't been able to shake this feeling to varying degrees since Thanksgiving morning. 

The night before last Paxton had a rough go, a sad night and had a hard time sleeping. I didn't go to bed until after 1:30 originally having every good intention to join my friends at the gym at 6:00 AM. Something for just me, something to help me level out my mood, my stress, and my body... it has been years since I have went to a gym. I go on spurts of getting physical activity here and there but nothing as consistent as a gym for years. Steve and I were walking 3 mornings a week before he got sick, but that didn't last long.... and spiraled to where we are now with not a lot of consistency in between. Needless to say the alarm that went off at 5:20 got turned off. 

The first person I talked to got an earful of tears, luckily she happened to be someone who lost her husband 6 years ago. I wanted to do a favor for her, but she understood I just couldn't, which made me feel even more terrible, because I normally would have, this new person who says no is taking some getting used to. Steve's aunt and uncle came to hang blinds I had ordered. One of them didn't fit, I also had another that was all mess up and it was frustrating because now I have to take them back and if they were just right in the first place...it wouldn't have to take extra effort, right now extra effort for me is exhausting. 

I had one last Christmas decoration that I had forgot to put on top of my cabinets. I love to decorate all the cabinet tops and pot shelves with Christmas decor so that it is everywhere you look. I climbed up on my counter, something I have done for 8 years now with no problem..at every holiday I switch out decorations multiple times with no problem, yesterday had to be different!  As I went to jump down the back of my shorts caught on the cabinet handle and instead of jumping I got hung up and ended up ripping the whole cabinet door off the cupboard, hinges an all - I fell on my knee, elbow and tailbone crashing to the floor. To make a long story short I ended up sitting on my kitchen floor sobbing uncontrollably for about 30 minutes while my poor 12 year old had to console me as if I just ran over our cat. He said "mom, it is just a cabinet door, we will get it fixed, it is ok, you are ok, we are going to be ok." These are the things I should be saying to him, not him me, but yesterday this was priceless. I needed his hug, his hand on my back rubbing it and his voice telling me I would be ok. We are in this together. I immediately was taken back 28 years to when my mom and I had to take turns consoling each other when my dad passed away. I recall her consoling me more than I her, and it just goes to show you how we as parents put our kids first, before our own needs. I don't remember her complaining as much as she could have been of all the things she had to do now that my dad was gone. She was wonder women in my eyes looking back although at the time it seemed normal, because she just did what she had to do. All the sacrifices she made for me reflecting back years didn't go unnoticed although they may not have been acknowledged at the time. 

 And this morning it is funny and I chuckle- because seriously I wished there were cameras in my house to capture my fall, the bruise on my butt in the mirror this morning just confirms how hard I fell. Like honestly why, what purpose did this little incident serve? How many times had I climbed on my counters will no issues, why did yesterday have to be different. And the fact that my cabinet maker had to confirm how he seriously has to make me a new cabinet door because that one isn't salvageable just goes to show you how truly crazy my life is right now because it couldn't just be as easy as hanging it back up right! I am sure no one will ask me where my cups are for awhile. LOL. 

Yes I need to be the stronger one in most situations, but yesterday was just not that day. Yesterday I was grateful for Paxton! Probably more than he will ever realize.  After I got up from the floor, my BFF came to rescue me. I laid in my bed sobbing with her forever. I do not know what I would do if she didn't live 5 minutes away. My other two besties live in Payson and Nebraska and I am so grateful for them as well, I just don't have the luxury of them living down the road like she does, and right now that is priceless! 

I had a buyer back out of a deal, which just added to the mess of my day, Paxton couldn't get into his Spanish class for school, and all the little things added up. If I sent you to voice mail, I am sorry, but I just couldn't... I couldn't handle it. If I cried to you on the phone or in person, thank you for not making me feel stupid and just letting me be. I don't even think I can count the amount of times I cried, no makeup was ever applied and I wore ripped shorts well into the evening until I got a little cold and put lounge pants on. I just didn't care. And I never showered, because why??? 

I hope me being raw and real and vulnerable helps someone feel less uncomfortable or weird or awkward on what they are experiencing. That there truly is no normal, no right or wrong way to grieve. We each uniquely have a grieving process just like we each have a different number of hairs on our head, tint to our eyes, smile and personality. Accept who you are and how you are grieving. Take days to feel like shit and then pick yourself back up and start again when you are ready. 

I have never been one to stay down or sit still for very long for that matter... so here is to today for a fresh start. The sun has risen, today is a new day and obviously God has a plan for me or I wouldn't still be here. I hope to make the rest of the week count, not only for those that I need to touch but for my healing heart as well. My heart may always be cracked, but with time the Band-Aid will get smaller and I am surrounded by people who will help me with that. I wished I knew how long that would be, I wished I could fast forward, because even though I like surprises and spontaneity to a degree, I am a planner... and I surely didn't plan this so it will definitely take some getting use to and lots of navigation through it. 

I am off to a listing appointment that I hope to get, a house to put back on the market because I just couldn't save the deal, and another home that I have had listed for 6 months that I need to somehow creatively think of others ways to get it sold. I have to get ready for Cookies and Cocoa with Santa at the school on Thursday night that I sponsor and organize every year for the last 7, The holiday festival and light parade downtown Florence on Friday that Michelle and I are sponsoring face-painting and balloons, a family Paxton and I adopted with a little girl who is struggling with cancer to buy gifts for this week and a personal goal of lots of people to smile at whose smile in return will light my way.... here is to a new day I hope that will be filled with love, laughter and promise for our future. 

I ask God that whatever you are struggling with today, he gives you the hope for your future that it will not always go this way. That you will find peace in his word and strength in the Holy Spirit who will guide you and help you find your way. 

Romans 5- 3:5 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. 

She can fall apart one day and still rise up the next, Strong women feel pain, they just don't let it break them. 

A Different Kind of Christmas

 I absolutely love decorating for Christmas! I was just as excited about it as any other year-Right after everyone left on  Thanksgiving I took down all my fall decorations and put them away to make room for Christmas! I wanted to feel the same spark I do every year. My friends came over on Friday, put up my Christmas lights on the roof where I didn't want to attempt to climb. That part was Steve's job. He was definitely not the Christmas decorator, but he did do the stuff I was scared to. They helped me get down all my decoration from the attic... not without a little teasing to the amount of containers I actually had... you might think I had a 5000 sq ft house... LOL... did I mention I love Christmas?! I told them no judging! But a little teasing produces a lot of laughter and that is definitely what I need. 

I did a little bit of decorating on my shelves on Friday before we went to PBR with friends and our kids. Saturday my intentions were to finish it all. That I did not anticipate to be as hard as it was. I guess so far nothing I have anticipated has been easy. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be, even with a positive outlook, sometimes the emotions just come no matter what. Remember grief is love with no where to go. 

I cried a lot more than I thought I would. Steve was not a decorator, but it did bring up a lot of memories while I was decorating like I normally would. Some other friends stopped by on Saturday when I was decorating and kept me company for a little while while I decorated. My lights that went up the day before never came on Friday night like I anticipated, they helped me figure out the timer, so it would work as if Steve himself set them up.  I broke some bulbs, my tree fell over, I cried a little as  I imagined Steve sitting in his recliner watching TV while I decorated the tree. They were there to help me through... I seriously love all the friends and support we continue to receive. Being loved is so important in this process. 

Here is a good example of how we all grieve differently and no judging of anyone should be allowed no matter the circumstances, no one actually knows how it affects us, no matter how similar the circumstances. A girl I most recently connected with, through a mutual friend, who also her husband about 6 months ago to a sudden heart attack posted on her page that she couldn't imagine not hanging her husband's stocking for Christmas. That she and her kids would love to receive cards, memories or stories about her husband to fill his stocking as she couldn't imagine it not full on Christmas morning... I on the other hand could not even imagine the thought of hanging Steve's stocking. As I sat and stared at it in the Rubbermaid container where it was, tears filled my eyes. I just couldn't hang it or look at it every day until Christmas and I couldn't imagine reading stories or memories being sent to me about him. I didn't ask Paxton his wishes, I just didn't hang it. He didn't say anything about it, so I am not going to even mention it not being there.  I think every time I looked at my fireplace I would burst into tears. And you know what that is ok I don't have to hang it if I don't want to. This is my personal journey and I have to do what works best for us in this process. 

I didn't put up everything I normally do, I didn't decorate as much as I am used to,  but I am satisfied that I decorated and happy with the simplicity of it. 

The true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ who came to save us from our sins and promise us eternal life in Heaven. The gifts, decorations, Santa, trees and fluff are all traditions made over the years to help celebrate this special occasion. This Christmas is still what that is all about, it is just a different kind of Christmas for me and Paxton. It will not lose its meaning. It will just be celebrated a little differently then that past. 

Paxton asked me about his Elf Tutti Fruit Loop coming this year. He said mom, I know he isn't real and I don't believe anymore, but can he still come? You can just write a note to find him each morning, I promise it doesn't have to rhyme. ( for those of you that don't know the writer in me produced little notes every morning during the elf season for about 8 years that rhymed  on where to find the elf in the house-after a few years  I  had to actually recycle some of them as I was just out of  new material after all those years.. LOL. It is cute that he wants him to return and I will do my best to make the most of it. Some times it had him do little acts of kindness, sometimes he brought little gifts. This might be just as good for me as it will be for him.  It reflects his innocence and his need for a little extra Christmas spirit this year. I want to make him feel special and to not lose faith during this sad and different time for him. Like I said before I can't fix that his dad is gone no matter how hard I wished I could, but I can try to make it the best experience he can have despite the circumstances.

 I am looking forward to my brother coming to visit and being here on Christmas morning with us. Especially after waking up Thanksgiving morning with a quiet house.  Waking up will be a little different this year and having someone here to support us, make us laugh and distract the sadness will be ever so appreciated! I look forward to celebrating the true meaning of Christmas and spending the next month enjoying friends and family to help me  through this first year in 23 years without him and 12 for Paxton. 

lyrics from A Different Kind of Christmas- Mark Schultz

.... but there is no laughter in this house, not like there used to be, there's just a million little memories that remind me you're not here. It is a different kind of Christmas this year

... There's one less place set at the table, one less gift under the tree and a brand new way to take their place in side of me. I'm unwrapping all these memories fighting back the tears it is just a different kind of Christmas this year.

As we gather round the table, I see joy on every face and I realize what's still alive is the legacy you made. 

... It's time to fill this house with laughter like it used to be, just because you're up in heaven, doesn't mean you're not near. It's just a different kind of Christmas this year.  

Our First Thanksgiving

 I thought I could handle Thanksgiving this year in my home. We have traditionally had it here for a lot of years. Steve's family and some of our friends would come and we would enjoy eating and conversing and watching football. The kids would play and we would be together. 

Everyone who came this year would support us and love on us and what couldn't be right with that. My FIL was going to make the ham and my BIL was going to smoke the turkey, then I wouldn't have more work to do. We would have tables set up and each in the orchard with the new floor in remembrance of Steve. 

I woke up Thanksgiving morning to a quiet house. I had forgotten to take into consideration all the prep work it took the morning of before everyone else arrived. Not that what I had to do I couldn't handle, but the quiet, the loneliness, the lack of noise around me. Paxton and his buddy were still sleeping as I woke to make cinnamon roll dough. There was no noise of my bedroom door opening and shutting to start the smoker and light the wood, the garage door opening and shutting to get the meat from the fridge. No mess to clean up after he had the food started, spices and things to put back in cabinets, counters to wipe down, things to throw away, no apricot glaze for me to make that he loved to finish off the ham. Just me and my cinnamon roll dough. 

I left the dough to rise and decided to just shower and get ready while I waited. It was to early to go outside, the boys were not up and I just needed to relax. This turned into bawling in my shower and continuing to bawl after the shower just sitting on the floor of my closet in a towel, sobbing... this would definitely make for a good headache later. This isn't the way it is suppose to go. It isn't suppose to be this quiet. He is suppose to be here, being nosey and making a mess, he is suppose to be here making me laugh and sharing in this day of Thanksgiving! 

I called a friend who helped talk me through the "normal-ness" of how I was feeling, he also lost his wife years back and could relate. He reassured me it was ok to be sad and lose control of my emotions,  that today would be hard and different and so beyond my control. He even said I didn't have to wear mascara if I didn't want to, but I knew getting ready, I would feel better, and I knew, just like Steve's funeral, I would probably not cry in front of 25 people anyway. 

I know all this, it is just HARD. So damned HARD. My BFF came to my rescue and immediately got up when I reached out to her, jumped in her shower and was over here in a flash. The boys were awake, my crying had stopped and we got everything ready by the time everyone came. My eyes were less puffy, my makeup was on and I felt semi-normal. Although at this point normal is about the silliest word I have ever used. What is normal? Are any of us? Probably not, but we still say it all the time. 

The day went okay despite 1000 flies that seemed to come out of nowhere and wind so strong it blew over all my flowers on the orchard tables and ruined the disposable table cloths, everyone seemed a little less peppy, a little more somber, I don't think I took a single picture, but I did laugh a little, everyone was helpful cleaning up, a few of us played games and we had some good conversation. I replay the day in my head and I feel like an outsider looking in, like I was in a daze the whole time. I did retreat to my room for awhile and you know what that is ok I was home, I was where I was suppose to be and this was ok for me to do, and if someone thought it wasn't I don't care to know.  I was glad I wasn't a guest this day, despite others offers to have Thanksgiving at their houses instead. I was right where I needed to be with the people who needed to be here. 

I will NEVER be the person that I was when Steve was alive, part of me died with him and I will never be the same like EVER. So my apologies now to whoever thinks I am suppose to be, but this isn't your journey and you can't tell me how to live it. And this I have come to terms is ok. It is harder to focus these days, it is harder to find joy, it is harder to find myself as positive as I have always been. I definitely don't like the person I am right now, ( scatterbrained, forgetful, unfocused and edgy) but I am looking forward to the person I will become after this transition period. When you lose a little bit of who you are it takes awhile to take the journey on who you will become. It is like those people who read ahead in a book or fast forward a movie to see how it comes out, I wished I had that option but then again I would miss everything that happens in between. This is my journey and I need to enjoy the good, learn and get stronger from the bad and be content with the mediocre. 

I am thankful for my Faith, thankful for my family, thankful for my friends, thankful for my home and all my animals, thankful to sneak in some laughter when I can, some happiness in between and thankful that I am still here to be on this journey of discovery, to serve God in ways that he has planned, to continue the journey of raising a good adult, the now little boy, the present that Steve has left behind. Kids will be kids, the hard part is whether you are raising them to be good adults. 

 I never expected life to be easy- so I move forward in faith that it won't always be so hard. -dani 

 “I am learning to trust the journey even when I do not understand it.”

 – Mila bronit

“It’s your road and yours alone, others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.”

“May be the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything, maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

“Somewhere on your journey don’t forget to turn around and enjoy the view.”

“I believe that life is a journey towards God, and that no one has the right to insist that you go a certain road.” – Pat Buckley

“Who you were, who you are, and who you become, are all different people.”

“Not everyone will make it to your future. Some people are just passing through to teach you lessons in life.”

“Focus on where you want to go, not where you currently are.”

“When a chapter of your Life Book is complete, your spirit knows it’s time to turn the page so a new chapter can begin. Even when you’re scared or think you’re not ready, your spirit knows you are.”

Faith, Hope and Love

When you want to be happy when you want to eliminate sadness, you often create images, ideas, moments, situations in your head on how to resolve a problem or change your attitude or what you can do moving forward to initialize and create that happiness, or at least I do. You want to spark your spirit and calm, restart, restore and organize your mind. Pain is inevitable and when it hits sometimes no matter what you do it is hard to control your reaction.

 I would say I am a relatively positive person, who has been through a lot of grief in my life and who knows that my faith is something that always seems to carry me through to tomorrow. Some days I wished I could just ignore what has happened to me and press forward and some days I can cry at every thought or with every person I talk to and nothing seems as important to me as the loss that I am carrying right at that moment. It can be exhausting and very distracting from the things that you need to actually do or accomplish that day. But just like that saying, "it is what it is." 

Grief comes in all forms and sizes and magnitudes. Everyone handles their grief in their own way. Just like pain. Some of us are tough on the exterior and big old babies inside. Some of us wear our pain on our sleeves and some of us just are so emotionally unstable at times you never know what you are going to get. This my friends is why it is important to be kind, to be patient and to have empathy for others. Never mold them into the expectations you have for yourself or what you think society sees on how grieving people should respond, the time it should take for someone to be happy or "get over" their grief. I believe you never truly get over grief and you need to surround yourself with the people who understand that, because you just might have that freak out moment years from now that those you love better understand, even if it isn't the way they would handle their emotions, their expectations of yours should not mirror their own expectations of themselves.

 

I told a friend the other day that I don't even know how I will be emotionally some days when I wake up, how can I possibly expect someone to be ready for my mood swings at all times of the day, when the least expected thing can send me into an emotional whirlwind- and I can't even put my finger on why. Dropping coffee creamer shouldn't send me into a crying spell but it can. And why? Steve didn't even like coffee. Sometimes you will recognize your triggers and sometimes you just feel like you are losing your mind for the oddest things. 

No matter what, some days the most positive thoughts cannot even stir me from the aching and heartbreak my mind and body have endured. Throw a child who is grieving into that mix and you might as well check me into the mental clinic on some days.  Remember I am a fixer, I want to fix his pain right along side mine, but I recognize that I can't. It isn't fixable. 

I like to be busy. I always have from a young age, my coping mechanism for my losses I have endured. Also I never liked to nap as a child, I never wanted to miss anything, I was always jumping to the next project that allowed my mind to work, I think I was probably ADD but that is a different blog topic.  

Busyness keeps me looking ahead, it keeps me focused on tasks, some might say I am too busy, I volunteer for too much, I say yes too often, and so on, that I need to just take time to veg, relax, cry, mourn. While this is all good advice, I have never been one to sit in that box for too long, being still often creeps me out and frankly stresses me out even more with cooped up things to do in my head. 

When I am busy, I am distracted, when I am distracted I am less sad. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to recognize my pain, but I cannot live in it every moment of every day or I would be miserable. I am still here, God needs me for something and I need to fulfill my service to Him, whatever that looks like, my journey isn't over so I should enjoy finding out.  I have gotten better over the years honing in on what I say yes to and what I don't. I was involved in a lot of activities I can remember my whole life. I was the PTA president at my son's school for 4 years. It was a big commitment, I love challenges, I let it go for 2 years and realized that I missed the joy it brought to me to be involved and I committed again this year. Timing was probably not the best with all that has happened to my family over the last 3-4 months I still organized a fantastic back to school event and then they closed the campus again to visitors due to COVID and therefore the busyness slowed down again, also good timing. I am in the midst of my annual Cookies and Cocoa with Santa event at the school and it is giving me something to look forward to. 

Pain is a funny thing. I have a novacaine sensitivity and I remember as a kid my mom teaching me mind over matter. We would do these exercises to avoid pain and fear and to concentrate. She must have learned this from her dad.  I remember the first time my grandfather taught me how to be not ticklish on my feet. My feet were so ticklish! It is weird how our memories come to us from long ago and other things we want to remember we just can't. I was probably about 6 and was laying on the couch in our living room. He had me close my eyes and he would tickle my feet as he had me concentrate on something else while I repeated over and over "I am not ticklish I am not ticklish, I am not ticklish." To this day my feet are not ticklish. I can't say that for some other parts of my body, I remember the first time Steve found a spot just about hip level that would send me into the giggles like no other. From then forward he needed to laugh or a release from a hard day, or he wanted to release my stress he would always find the spot, my laughter caused his laughter and the world would be right again. 

Throughout the years, my mom instilled in me whenever I was fearful, whenever I expected pain, teeth filling, shots, blood tests etc that I needed to pick a spot on a wall, to concentrate on going on an adventure in my head, some times it included riding a horse through a field of daisies, sitting at the feet of Jesus in a rocking chair telling a great story, and other things she had me picture in my mind to distract me. To this day I don't get novacaine when they fill my teeth. I got a tattoo yesterday and Paxton's friend asked if it hurt. Yes, well sort of it did but I was able to sit still not flinch and take my brain somewhere else while the artist drilled ink into my forearm. "Mind over matter" my mom would say, over and over again. It is engraved in my head to this day.  

And to this day I am able to escape my situation, my uncomfortableness, my pain, and even use these exercises to fall asleep when my mind is otherwise jumbled up by so many thoughts I could clearly run a marathon. Don't get me wrong, I don't run, unless bees or a lion are chasing me.. LOL. 

If you could only live one day inside my head, you might pack your bags and get the hell out of town...organizing my ever racing thoughts is half the battle it is so busy up there. I am always one step ahead in my head that sometimes I say too much and talk to fast, but my intentions are always good. I often have to stop and breath just to keep up with myself. 

The stories we create in our head can often work to help heal our broken hearts. Pain is something that everyone has to handle, whether it is physical or emotional, it exists. Everyone experiences pain. We must first learn to recognize what triggers our pain and look for the support, the comfort and the outlets that you need to minimize or live alongside it. I am not suggesting dangerous outlets, harmful to you or others, just forms of coping that exist and work for you, just as we all don't grieve the same we all don't cope with the same methods or practices that may work for our friend or neighbor either, find what works for you. 

I have been reading a lot from a grief counselor regarding living alongside your pain. She isn't telling me to get over it, to find a solution, to relinquish it, or to make it disappear completely. She says that grief is not a problem to be fixed, you need to find a way to live alongside your grief. To go on with it in your life, almost like a parallel. And this includes remembering and celebrating the person you are grieving as often as you want to. 

I know loosing so many people prior to now, I would still have sad and melancholy moments where grief will come over me, even after years of the person being gone.  Certain times of the year I would be sadder than others and I still experience these times now. I have a friend who is still grieving the loss of her son 18 years later and every year she goes through a deep sadness that overcomes her even when she least expects it and it can last several months she said. 

My first real experience with loss other than someone elderly was my best friend when I was 11, she battled brain cancer for 3 years. I had a feeling that week she was going to die and I knew the day she died before anyone told me.  I have a great sense of intuition about a lot of things and I can usually be pretty spot on when my feelings come regarding loss. I am not psychic by any means but I am in tune with certain things. Sometimes it feels like an advantage, like after my first date with Steve, when I got home and called my friend to tell her I met the man I was going to marry, I did 6 years later, or like the time I didn't want to get on a plane to Utah for work and my boss insisted I go Sunday night instead of Monday morning and I tried to convince him otherwise, yes, that plane's engine blew in the air on the way and we had to turn around and come back... needless to say my intuition said not to get on that plane! I survived thank God or I wouldn't be here to tell you this story. 

Feeling a loss for someone down the road, after years and years and years, just shows that connection and love you have. This is truly love, a love that you no longer have to give to that person. I look at it this way.  Think of a jar that is so full and under pressure it cracks, things leak out and no amount of tape or glue can fix it, you have to transfer the contents into a new jar until that one becomes too full. It is like we have an abundant amount of love stored up and saved for each particular person in our life and once they are gone the love is there still stored up to give but we have no one to give it to and sometimes it just explodes from being so full that we are overcome with sadness at the exploding moment, which can sometimes last a lot longer than a moment.  Oh you can give love to others, you can spread love and joy to so many people, but it will never be the same as the love that you had for that person. 

Steve didn't really wear his feelings for me on his sleeve, he wasn't what I would call a great source of a constant reminder of his undying love for me, from the outside he may have seemed not as into me as I was into him, he showed it in other ways, he provided for us, took care of our home and left us with such a gorgeous space that sometimes I don't even want to leave my home, he was very physically bonded with me that others never saw and when he gave me a card for my birthday, an anniversary or Valentine's Day, he took his time to make sure it said exactly what he felt and he always wrote the nicest, thoughtful messages and they always made me tear up because I knew that he truly felt the way he said and he loved me with his whole heart. A lot of times his signature included, "I love you very much, Steve." He sometimes forgot the word you when he wrote it, lol, he probably said it in his head and it just didn't get put on the card. I wanted to tattoo this on my body with the flower from our wedding that my cousin designed, just for us, over 18 years ago. I had always wanted a tattoo with that flower anyway I had been talking about it for years. 

I completely changed my mind because I felt "I love you very much" was just to long of a tattoo for me. I already have believe in my father's handwriting, Love in my mothers, I had gotten the word faith in the shape of a cross when Steve was in the hospital.... so I decided Hope was a great word of strength to add to my list. It is a little more symmetrical with the other 3 words and locations and searching through all the cards I saved from over the years, I found it several times in his handwriting, picking the prettiest font as I read. The tears poured as I re-read all the messages he ever sent me, good tears. Tears of love, tears of memories and tears of hope, hope for a future that Paxton and I can enjoy together, making new memories, cherishing old ones and living a life of abundance and purpose going forward. I now am marked with faith, hope and love, the greatest of these which is love. I have a lot of love to give and I will continue to pour it into everything I do. 

If you made it to the end of this really long blog, I wish you hope for your future in whatever it is that you are trying to deal with, whatever challenges, pain, grief, sadness you are faced with, whatever encouragement you seek, I hope you find what you are looking for. If you have someone in your life who is grieving, just be there, check on them often, listen, and love them. You don't always have to worry about saying the right thing, sometimes you don't need to say anything at all for your presence to be recognized and appreciated. 

" Be the thing you loved the most about the people who are gone." - Unknown

Psalm 62: 5-6"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken."