30 Years, A Place of Harmony, Music and Kitchen Lights

 

Today I will love all that I am for all that I am while finding myself by myself to define myself. I am an admirable person who seeks to help others, who values myself and knows my worth. Who works hard for myself and my child to create a life, a passion and a drive that is like a magnet and that attracts like people who value me and my family and knows my worth and celebrates my accomplishments with me.

I wrote the above after Steve died because even though I have always considered myself a strong woman, I didn’t realize how dependent my everyday was on being a part of someone else for so long, 23 years is a sizable portion of your life to be with someone who is no longer there. (I spent only 14 with my dad and the impact was huge!) The confidence I had in myself, and my abilities was in question and to this day 2 years later I still wonder sometimes, and need to remind myself I can do hard things. And so can you!  

I passed this statement above along to a friend who is in a space of redefining herself to step in the direction of her worth and her dreams and no longer let her life circumstances dictate what she can limit herself to doing. Whether someone dies or is still alive, when they are removed from your life it can take a huge shift in thinking and way of living on your part.  Our lives are about growth, change and becoming who we are meant to be. You cannot go through a significant life change and expect to be the same person you used to be; I am convinced that just isn’t possible. Journeys take you to new places they don’t hold you still for a moment in time. Reminding yourself to change is good, trying new things is good, becoming a better person than you were yesterday, last week, or last year is good.

Often, I think we lose sight of who we are and what we are trying to accomplish because we are so busy taking care of all that is around us. This is okay to an extent because God calls us to serve his people and we all have responsibilities in life. However, we must not lose sight of ourselves in the process. Today marks 30 years since my father died an event that has shaped me into who I am today. It reminds me that we all have choices. We can choose to let our circumstances help or hinder our growth, destroy our lives, or flourish because of them. No one claims that either choice is easier, in fact flourishing despite your circumstances and setbacks can be a lot more challenging but I am proof it can also be a lot more rewarding.

I never in a million years (well actually I had a brief glimpse 8 years ago, but we won’t go into my hokey intuition) did I think or prepare myself that 28 years after my dad passed to almost the exact date (less than a week a part) my son would also lose his. I am heading into this week with a lot of distractions to calm my tears, a lot of Hope to calm my fears, and a lot of Grace for both Paxton and I to just be what my cousin calls “in our feels.” This isn’t something you purposely do to get attention, as an excuse for forgetfulness or bad behaviors, just something that is real, the timing, the emotions, and the roller coaster memories from a time in your life that significantly changed your future because you loved so deeply and lost, and you want to hold onto those memories forever. You want to recreate a time and space that brings you directly to that person whether good or bad, it gives you a connection to something that no longer exists but was such a meaningful part of your life, you just want to revisit for a little while and reminisce in your “feels”. Just let the feelings occur, don’t fight the emotions, and accept that you will climb out more focused and mindful when you let those feelings happen naturally, tell yourself it is ok to feel the way that you do with the intention of snapping out of it, but not until you deal with them.

Like I have said before in other blogs, we will all have ups and downs in our lives, you just must make sure the ups are more frequent than the downs and when the downs come to visit, you do everything in your power, the power that is within you, not to stay there for too long. You woke up this morning, you are still here, God gave you a purpose and has a plan for you, get out and explore, if you are not serving your purpose take that step today to go in the right direction, enjoy the journey, and make those people who are no longer here, proud that you still are. When one chapter ends, the next one begins; write it forward.

Some girlfriends and I went to an acoustic concert series last night, which live music and music in general really has a way of bringing me peace. The featured artists were all very good and the words and lyrics in songs have a way of connecting with my soul. Whether it is the years of poetry that I have written, the blogs that I post, from being a fellow writer, or just the emotions that I feel when I can listen to and relate to someone else’s story through their music it tends to take me to a place of harmony within. Music isn't my only outlet but not all the other things I enjoy or bring me harmony can be done everyday, so this one seems the most centering. Pause as many times as you need and find what centers you and partake in it more. 

The words last night that resonated with me and my resent struggles inside my head were this. Always have a safe space you can go to and create a safe space that someone else can come to. Life’s ups and downs require love and support. We are not expected to do it alone. Go get yourself a cheerleader and be a cheerleader for someone else, but always love who you are no matter where you are in your journey, things change, embrace the changes, and move forward. Stop trying to have all, be all, and do all by yourself. And if you are going to live in your past, make it brief, the person you were no longer exists and you owe it to yourself and those around you to concentrate on the person you are creating!  

I will continue to move forward being me, trusting and loving who I am and what my purpose is, but give me a week at least… lol. I need to pause and take it all in. Remember to be kind to everyone you meet you have no idea what they are struggling and dealing with in their head at any given moment. And remember to give the grace you give others to yourself as well, you absolutely need and deserve it just as much as they do. 

Taken from Light on In the Kitchen by Ashley McBryde

So Honey, trust yourself

You better love yourself

‘Cause ‘til you do you ain’t no good to anybody else

Honey, trust yourself

Laugh at yourself

If something tries to hold you back

Get up and give it hell

And for haven’s sake always have a place

Where you can do some cryin’ and some bithcin’

And always leave a light on in the kitchen.

Big Dreams, Bad Ass Moms, Confidence, and Silver Linings.

 

Have you ever been so excited about something, and it doesn’t turn out as you expect or plan? Happens all the time, right? Or at least more often than we hope for. And yet, somehow, we again and again plan, prepare, and expect the best.  When we allow ourselves to get super disappointed instead of finding good in any situation we are living in a false sense of perfection. If we can find the good, learn the lesson, or gain from the experience we can be equipped to handle the next situation and accept that sometimes disappointments happen, things don’t go right, or we find ourselves in a bind. I try my hardest to stop myself and find a silver lining instead of allowing it to affect my mood or my demeanor, I may not always succeed at first, but I try. Which can ultimately cause a downward spiral of negativity in any one given day, week, or year if we put too much emphasis on any one negative event and allow it to overcome our sense of confidence, happiness, or pleasure. Placing myself in a state of gratitude rather than despair helps me to see the bigger picture and allows me to control how I am affected by negative circumstances surrounding me. Because this is life and shit happens!

If you have ever participated in something competitive, most if not all participants go into a game, match, or competition with the idea of winning in their mind! No one says, “I can’t wait to lose”, “I am excited to fail”, or “I look forward to being defeated”. And yet if you do lose, if you are not successful in your attempt to win or be on top that day you might get discouraged, be upset with your performance, or feel bummed for a while, however you use that loss to help you prepare for the next competition, work harder, or alter your approach and once again you go in believing that you will succeed and do better in the next one.

Guys, life is kind of the same concept. You will never win at everything you do, but you don’t ultimately just give up, instead you learn from each encounter how to improve as you go and strive to always do better every day. You are constantly educating yourself, adjusting, and readjusting to life and what it throws at you. You choose how you react, and you choose your attitude. Both of which can make or break you, but it is your choice.

I am listening to an audible by Lydia Fenet called Claim Your Confidence, (sidenote, I absolutely love listening to motivational books read by the author who wrote them, it makes me pay more attention to each word as I picture them talking directly to me and giving me the tools and secrets on how to improve something that I am looking to do, even if it might be slightly or even significantly different then their goals the basic concepts will apply)

I read her first book called The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You a little over a year ago with take aways that have improved the way I look at a lot of the things I do. She is a highly sought out, very successful non-profit auctioneer in a male dominated industry. Not only is that powerful, but that is also confidence at its finest, probably not the easiest success story, however, it proves that if you really want something, don’t let anything discourage you or make you quit. You have the power within you to make it happen if you believe in yourself and take the necessary steps no matter who or what stands in your way. Overcoming obstacles is a huge factor in most success stories.  I guarantee she didn’t get there without getting shot down, being ridiculed, told she couldn’t do it, sleepless night and perhaps a lot of tears. But she stands before us today as an example of someone who chooses to take control of her life repeatedly for sake of the bigger picture and to be the writer of her own story.

This weekend was girl’s weekend! I have looked forward to this since our first trip a year ago. And even though each one of these girls has been a significant part of my life in one capacity or another for a couple years to over twenty years, as a group we collectively formed and share a bond that not only can’t be broken but it also can’t be joined. We have shared our lives, our goals, our fears, weaknesses, strengths, and temptations with one another and many memories have been built while we have been through life’s ups and downs together in full support even when we might be hard to love. This weekend started out as a birthday celebration for both girls whose birthdays are this month when we planned it. Going up to the cabin to relax and rest, have a little girl fun in an inexpensive but much needed getaway!

As bad ass working moms we all need a little girlfriend supported R&R from time to time to destress and bring us back to center. God knows we carry the weight of our families, our careers, our societal demands, and expectations on our shoulders daily and still come out on the other side the next day continually moving forward! Sometimes I wonder how, but we do it! Bad ass moms have this superpower. Unexpected life circumstances caused one of us to miss it entirely and the weekend itself was cut short due to life’s demands by others. The one thing that I stress over all is that even though we are there for each other through life’s thick and thin, we as individuals then our families come first.

Truly I wished I had learned this ten years ago or more; we cannot fully take care of others if we are not taking care of ourselves. No matter how much you might believe putting others first (as I was taught) is the selfless and ultimate goal you have been taught to live by. Yes, to an extent God wants us to serve others before ourselves but not to our detriment or complete breaking point of our bodies and mind. And I doubt He is encouraging doing each thing half-assed or not fully giving our attention to it because we have too many things on our plate to be effective at any one given thing. Can we multi-task, sure we can but everything has a cap.

I have learned even more in the last two years than the last ten that saying no to something gives me the control over what I can or cannot handle physically, mentally, or emotionally and allows me a better, healthier, and more productive outcome for the things that I know I excel at helping! You cannot be good at everything, but you owe it to yourself to be able to give 100% to the things that you are and feel like you are making a difference for. I would tell my younger self this as well as encourage those younger than me to live by it starting now, not 10 years from now.

I found myself with a day and a half to sit around with the choice to feel sorry for myself and the plans we had and be disappointed in the things that did not happen as we had planned. Or to control my thoughts to keep them positive, be grateful for the time we had spent and enjoyed, and take advantage of the remaining time to do the things that I needed to do around my cabin, sift through old stuff, clean out closets, throw away useless or broken items, shop for some upgrades to make my renters experience more enjoyable, read a new book, enjoy breakfast with some family members, have a little extra time to help another friend in need, and bask in the laughter and energy of the boys who came back from their time at grandpa’s (because they couldn’t be a part of girl’s weekend) and spent with me.

Part of you living the life you want to live is in harmony not balance. What is truly important to you? No one is perfect so stop trying to live the perfect life.  Imperfections are what make life interesting. Stop trying to please others, apologize for your choices, or ask others for permission to take care of yourself, your family, or your needs. Those people who are your tribe, your cheerleaders, and your support system will continue to participate in your journey no matter what life’s demands get in the way, so keep writing your story and those who are suppose to be in it will continue to be there with every step you take to improve your life, meet your needs, and take you to places that sometimes only you can imagine. Because frankly, as in every signed copy of my children’s book I write The possibilities of your imagination are endless, Dream Big!  love, Dani. I should add if you believe in yourself more than you believe in those who doubt you, you are one step ahead of your critics! Visualize yourself already being where you want to go and keep your eyes, your heart, and your mind focused on the bigger picture instead of all the obstacles along your way.

Don’t ask anyone permission to write your story, it is yours… but if you feel like you need permission, today I am giving it to you. Do the things that make you happy! Dream Big!

Taken from Drayton Farley’s song Dreamer

If I can dream forever than I never wanna die I was born to be a dreamer in this hard up kind of life. If I can dream forever go ahead and blind my eyes ‘cause these dreams are all I have and all these dreams I have are mine. Oh my, all these dreams I have are mine. So if I can dream forever then I never wanna die.. I was born to be a dreamer in this hard up kind of life.. If I can dream forever, go ahead and blind my eyes.. ‘cause these dreams are all I have and these dreams I have are mine.

 

The death of a friend and the re-birth of baseball

 

Baseball, I love that word. Don’t ask why it is so important to me to see Paxton play again, but it is. It would warm my heart so much. I am a woman of intuition I don’t get it all the time, but when I do, I am not usually wrong. I have felt him getting back into it eventually I just didn’t know when. I just needed to maintain my patience. We had a little stint with hitting earlier this year if you caught that blog… but it wasn’t enough to push him to play. It is a connection that he lost to his dad after he chose not to pursue it at the season end nearly two years ago. Speaking of, we are on the cusp of the two-year anniversary of Steve’s passing and it is crazy to look back and see how far we have come, what we have learned, how we have changed, relationships we have lost and new ones that we gained.

The start of high school, 1 month in and the boy is doing well. About a week and a half ago the baseball coach asked me if I thought Paxton would want to switch into his last hour baseball class. He has been working on Paxton to get back into baseball since he left, but like me, the coach knew it had to be on Paxton’s timing.  I wasn’t certain but I said I would suggest it. I broached the subject with him, and he hymn hawed around a little bit and then said “well, what is it about”. I said, “I don’t know ask that coach”. I put it back on him, I wasn’t going to push it. Before the end of the week, he switched out of PE into Baseball all on his own and he has talked about it ever since. He is hitting like a champ, getting a good workout, he stopped drinking soda, and he has lost 4 lbs.  I think he is heading in the right direction for what he needs, and I couldn’t be prouder. Not to say ups and downs won’t come, but his focus is way better and he is doing good in school as far as grades as well. There might be some motivation by some cute girls and just a good group of boys and baseball buddies to hang out with. High school is so much different than he imagined, and I feel blessed that he has found a groove.

This month for me marks the 30-year anniversary of my dad’s passing (August 28^th) . After all these years you would think it would just be a day to remember. However, this year it seems to have hit me like a milestone. One that not only signifies how long it has been but how old that I have become. One of my dear close friends is experiencing her father’s decline from a recent stroke and counting her days that she can enjoy his quality of life and what is left of it. Her mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer as well- talk about a double whammy! This brings stress, heartache, questions and fears, it takes time away from her everyday life as she knows it, but she is there 100% for whatever her parents’ needs are and it is truly a beautiful sacrifice, but part of life as we know it. Making the most of your days together and enjoying each moment, the good, the sad, the bad and being able to maintain the laughter is key! 

Fast forward to me driving last Friday when I received a text from a good childhood friend, his parents were some of my parents’ best friends and we tolerated one another… lol. Just kidding, we were great friends, the kind that now as adults would do anything to see the other one content and happy. After a stroke a couple months ago, his dad lost his struggle to fully recover and restore his quality of life. The text hit me like a ton of bricks, my heart sank, and I immediately wanted to cry. On my way to a date and not wanting to show up distraught or red-eyed, I choked back the tears. Even though I lost both my parents at a relatively young age, it still breaks my heart to hear of a friend’s loss, especially when they are around the age my parents would be or people close to them! Death is inevitable but still so hard for the living to accept because we love so deeply. Every time someone close to us dies, the world as we know it slightly changes and sometimes significantly depends on our connection. I am not the same girl I was 30 years ago, or 2 years ago for that matter. But all these notches on my timeline make me who I am now, and I hope that is a better person than I was then because of what I went through.

The older I get the more people around me seem to die. I went through my fair share as a kid. Don’t get me wrong, but now it seems a lot more frequent as my elders are getting up there in years. The one thing I think I stress to myself is that everyone has an expiration date, everyone has a purpose, and everyone grieves. I was telling a friend the other day whose dog had gotten out of the yard somehow and run over by a car while they were away for just a short period of time, (something they didn’t need to be experiencing right now with other stuff they have going on) that even though we want to question “why” we are dealt some of the shittiest cards at the same time, it isn’t what we are dealt but how we handle what life throws at us that is the bigger test. It isn’t God giving us situations to test us, it is life throwing us life and how we respond to what we are given and how much we trust God to get us through. The test from Him, to me, is our response, he didn’t give us the event or situation, life did. Will it bring us closer to Him, or draw us further away? Ultimately life sucks sometimes but it also gives us a lot of good things, blessings, and times we can cherish. That is ultimately what we need to focus on, be grateful for and move forward.

Reminder- life is short- grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, laugh when you can, apologize when you should and let go of what you can. Take chances. Give everything you got and have no regrets. Don’t be unhappy. You must take the good with the bad and we will always have some bad, make the most of your good! Smile often, Love what you have, but know it is okay to want more, work for it. Always forgive but never forget. Keep learning and growing. Learn from your mistakes but never regret them. People will change and things will go wrong, that is ok. You can only control your thoughts, actions, and reactions, never someone else’s that is on them. Life moves forward with or without you, stay present, don’t get off until it is your time.