Avoiding reliving the past

 

On the way home from three days in California, I looked in the rearview mirror to hazel eyes staring back at me that looked in deep thought so much so that I just wished I could be inside his head for just a split second. To peer into the thoughts of a little boy, scared, hurt, confused and unsure of what his future holds. 

All the conflict and struggles over the last year wrapped up in this little boy‘s head, just a day before he had to go back to school for his eighth-grade year. He hasn’t been in school since October of last year and I’m sure many fears and anxieties were brewing in there. 

Rewind to the day before, where he expressed his concerns and struggles with going back to school, the anxiety that it was causing and the scared little boy that I wished I could rock again. You know the one where you could kiss their boo-boo, stick some silly character Band-Aid on it and all their hurt and fears and pain would go away.

I’m sure it’s every mother’s dream to make all their children’s problems go away to fix it and to make them feel better, even into adulthood. That is definitely the nurturer in me. “You may have outgrown my lap but not my heart darling” I would say to him if he didn’t think it was cheesy at this age.  He may be growing up before my eyes faster than I would like, most of his friends are a year or two older than him but he’s still my sweet little boy who’s hand I like to hold and sneak kisses occasionally, not in public of course, I have definitely been schooled in what is considered embarrassing. 

I don’t know how many times we prayed over the last few days for him to remain calm, for us to go over the different things that he can do when his mind wanders at school, reminding him how at a very young age his Bushie taught him how to breathe in peace and breath out fear, as he becomes overwhelmed with fear or anxiety. 

He made a promise to me that if I let him stay out of school from January until May he would go back in July. I told him that I’m proud of him for honoring his promise and that I think he’s going to have an amazing year. Of course, he had a hard time getting out of bed this morning and fought me just a tad bit, stalled a little, and made up a couple tiny excuses. But as a mother who wants to give her son the freedom to make his own choices sometimes, I just have a feeling I know what the best is and I drove him to school anyway. 

Yesterday evening he brought up to me that he wished he would’ve been able to ask to be part of yearbook… Calling in my favor to the school after being of service there since my kid was in kindergarten, they were able to make that happen for him. Grateful over here for small blessings. I mean if he must go to school all day long, he may as well enjoy a few of his classes- that and PE… also he does like science. I sent him off to school in anticipation to hopefully not receive a call before the end of the day that he isn’t able to make it through. I silently prayed to myself on the way that something good will come of this day that would help him to realize that going back to school will be the best option for him. 

We pulled up to school in front of a little red car and his baseball buddy he hadn’t seen all summer got out. 

With a big grin on his face, he walked right up to Paxton slapped him on the hand with one of their cool boy handshakes and off they went. What perfect timing and a blessing in disguise right then and there my prayer was answered, to find out later they also had 4 classes together warmed my mama heart.  

Baseball tryouts are next week, and I would love for him to play for school I know that baseball is tough for him now that Steve passed away and he said it still makes him miserable thinking about it or playing it without his dad.  Mama over here is okay with tournament fishing, his dabbling in roping, his love of riding his horse and interest again in 4H. Would I love to see him play school ball yes, you betcha I would. Is it my choice NO, I will not make him do something that makes him miserable inside. I am not inside his head, nor do I know the loss of connection or how it affects him that his dad is not here… It is incomprehensible to me and since I’ve been one to always say that feelings are neither right or wrong I’m going to let him take the wheel on this one. Sometimes I think pushing them to do the things that they don’t want to do can end up making it a worse situation than if you just let them choose to stop doing something that makes them unhappy. I have had several people want him to return to the team, and I know that he would be a great asset. After school I asked him again about baseball. He teared up and said he didn’t want to play, I reiterated that I understood about Club, but didn’t know why he wouldn’t want to play for school, it was low pressure, just go out there and have fun I thought, and his dad wasn’t really part of his school ball since he was in the hospital for most of it. He said that school ball reminds him of his dad being in the hospital fighting for his life and the roller coaster we were on, the updates during games, the ups and downs of the season and then missing his last  playoff game because of his death and getting to only play in the championship that they won, but the pain of reliving that time frame was just too painful for him as he wiped the tears from his eyes, whether he played his heart out to win for his dad or not, his dad is no longer here.  Enough said in the mommy book of agony that her kid should not have to ever go through again. So although, I would love to see him play and win another championship in his last year of junior high and I think he would definitely be a good asset to the team, I also understand the pain, hurt, and negative connotations associated with him doing so and his heart wouldn’t really be in it.

He didn’t call me to come pick him up or call me at all from school today. He text me at lunch “love you” and that was enough for me to know he is going to be okay. He got in my car with his usual, my day sucked attitude and I was reassured that my little boy who hates school was back and ready to get into the mundane routine of the year. PS I hated school too, even though I pushed myself to do well, hence why even though I could have I never pursued my master’s degree or beyond.

So off to different things, things that will bring newness and purpose and gratitude for the past experiences that helped shape him into who he is today and will become in the future. I am excited to find out what the future holds for him and what great things he will do with his life, but I will enjoy the journey and not push for him to grow up to fast! Sometimes a chapter ends, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t serve a purpose for whatever great things are to come. Just because you are good at something doesn't mean you should do it. Maybe it chose you for the time that you needed and now it is time to move on. 

 

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” – Lao Tzu

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” —Joseph Campbell

“Oh, my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left.” – Hubert Humphrey

Follow that curve in your road

 

It has been a crazy whirlwind few weeks. From Steve’s princess going missing for absolutely no apparent reason that we can think of except maybe fireworks, wracking our brains why, where, how, when exactly, and making ourselves sick over trying to get her back. No leads, so much desert and farmland, thousands of posts and shares, lost pet sites, organizations that try to help find your lost pet, scam texts, and glimpses of hope with pictures of found pets sent that were not her, lots of flyers, door knocking, shelter calls and visits and even droning the area all around us for any sign of her. There were a few days there that I struggled with deep emotions, what ifs and best- and worst-case scenarios. I cried for 3 days straight, pretty much at the mention of her name.  To be honest, I don’t have the warm fuzzy feeling that she will ever return, and my gut is a pretty powerful indicator of my spiritual connection or the universe telling me what’s up.

 Everyone thinks she is so pretty and is probably living it up in someone’s cozy air-conditioned home. My gut says she isn’t. She doesn’t have that personality. She reminded me a lot of Steve. She didn’t just let anyone in her circle. She warmed up to you and was your friend when she was ready and when she trusted the person. When someone new came over while Ryker was bubbly and craving for attention, she was 30 ft away assessing the new person. I have a few neighbors that don't even like to let her out for me. She hated our previous pool guy and was very skeptical about a few people who have visited our home and has been much more on guard for Paxton and I since Steve died. She didn’t like to be touched when she was sleeping and would often growl at people, or act like she would nip you, even Steve sometimes and she was his baby. I remember when she was very young not to long after we got her, one night she bit Steve when he tried to approach her, I will tell you she never made that mistake again.

I don’t see that she willingly went with someone unless she was in super distress and as many of us that went on the search multiple days in a row for no one to see her makes me think she is far away or out there in the wild somewhere, doing her thing or lying dead somewhere from the heat and lack of water source or an encounter with another animal. That is my gut, but after listening to several people’s stories about pets returned, weeks, months and even years later, I will hold that little hope that one day maybe I’ll see her again, but I am not going to move forward with my life obsessing over her whereabouts or chasing dead ends making myself sick or unhappy. I know that I and others still look for her every time we get in the car and drive anywhere from the vicinity of my house and beyond. There is always hope she could still be found I guess, or that is what we want deep in our heart for sure. That story of us reunited. 

Friday someone posted a dog and from far away it looked so similar or I wanted it to (you really had to blow up the photo). I got so excited, and the adrenaline rush was enough to make me so high that when it wasn’t her and I crashed, I literally felt exhausted and overwhelmed with sadness all over again. I just can’t obsess over finding her, no matter how special or how important she is to Paxton and I and was to Steve and others that loved her, it tears me up inside but my goal in life right now is to try to live every day that I have to the fullest, in the present and with as little stress as possible. They say stress can cause many health-related problems and since I have 2 parents who in my opinion died too soon in life (54 and 66) I want to do everything I can to make certain that I take care of myself the best that I can with what is in my control and to be here for all the significant events in my son’s life. 

I took a shower and laid down in my bed to just rest for a few minutes truly exhausted from the adrenaline rush earlier in the day. I feel asleep for what seemed like a few seconds, I woke up startled after a brief dream that Steve opened my bedroom door and asked why are you napping in a tone as if it were a silly thing to do. My heart rushed but the more I thought about it the more I was connected enough to feel he was saying to me… get up go with your friends this is not the end of the world if you are still in it, Don’t allow missing her or me to stop you from actually living your life to its fullest. That may be a lot from a brief dream but if you had the conversations we had when he lived you would understand. 

I got to a low enough point last week that Paxton was telling me that everything would be ok, that we love her but need to live our lives. I know he is hurting too, so for him to be brave and consoling me, he is far beyond his almost 13 years for sure. When you experience loss like we have you have 2 choices, grow up fast in the right direction or live in misery and make wrong choices that lead you down a path of destruction not only for you but a lot of those on your path. When he told me that he has heard so many stories of people doing “bad things” and he was concerned that I was so sad that I might do something to myself, my heart literally sank. Was I THAT sad in his eyes? Was it just my crying? Did I choose words that would give him this impression? Or is he just a worrier and has experienced so much loss for a 12-year-old he doesn’t know what else to think for fear of losing me too! We are going to go with the latter.

For those of you reading this I will reassure you just like I did him, in my 43 years with all the loss and crazy things in my life, ups and downs, losing people, properties, financial issues, hiccups, and trials and tribulations, I have never once “lost” my faith (doubted yes- but not lost) or considered killing myself- EVER. With this said, no one must add me to their watch list… I promise you that. After quickly praying I chose the right words to reassure him, I wasn’t leaving him on my own accord at anytime and that although I know these things may at times cross his mind because he is afraid to lose me too, there are things he can do to combat those thoughts and we went over them. I never want him to be afraid to talk to me or ask me things, EVER. He is a super sensitive kid like his mom, very caring of others and a nurturer with a caretaker soul, he just wants to make everything better for me. He is truly a blessing to me.

A friend of mine who is going through some battles of her own said something to me the other day that struck a chord with me(everyone goes through battles and I don't believe in placing a weight on anyone else's struggles- not everyone handles things the same way) ... She said, “I want to be you when I grow up.” And she is a year older than me... LOL. At first, I thought what a silly thing to say. Why would anyone want to be me? Believe me in my opinion some days I don’t even want to be me. LOL. I am such a humble soul and don’t really like a fuss, sometimes it is hard for me to take compliments. I don’t necessarily lack confidence, I just don’t feel that the things I do which are part of my personality or character are worth making that big a deal about, it is just who I am. The way I was raised coupled with the things I have experienced, and my unique personality traits have molded me into who I am today. I realized that she doesn’t want to be “me”, she meant she wishes she could handle things the way she perceives me to.  The way that I handle the things that are thrown at me and am somehow able to recover get out of bed, pick myself up, stay active in life, move forward, and have a positive attitude most days, while still being able to laugh at myself and have some fun while enjoying what I can with what I have and who I have in my life. She even basically said her struggle pales in comparison to what I have went through, but like I said I don't agree with comparing. We definitely can control our actions and reactions but I don't know if I believe we can control our feelings, we just have them.

I wished I could explain it to you. I have always strived for more and expected more of myself. When I was young, I was afraid to disappoint my parents, so I made good choices, I pushed myself hard to get good grades, it didn’t always come naturally to me, my work ethic was strong… I tried even harder for the things that I wanted, no one made me or threatened me to do well, I pushed myself and I always have. I don’t do well sitting still and I think that keeping busy is a form of coping with a lot of the things that I have been through over the years, and it is because I choose to focus on what I can control rather than what I cannot, and I truly believe that is what has made all the difference for me. I could have completely chosen a more destructive path. Some days are easier than others. And every day is a choice to live in sadness or enjoy as many moments as I can while I am still here, breathing and with a purpose.

You know how much I love song lyrics and quotes when I write and this one seems pretty in tune with what I feel this blog relates to. Life is full of twists and turns that you can’t always foresee, no matter how you plan sometimes you must just go with the flow and look forward to what might be around that bend in the road. Be yourself and enjoy your ride every chance you get. 

From Nowhere Roads by Eric Burgett

When God’s got something he wants you to see and fate's gots someone she wants you to meet, you roll with it, you go with it, ride that wind, check it out breath it in, where you thought you were headed may not be where you end up, ya that’s big stuff, sometimes we hold the wheel and sometimes were in control and sometimes nowhere roads, know where to go. It’s not the concrete, dirt, or gravel I’ve run down my whole life, it is the desperate turn my heart took that felt like do or die. When I find myself on a nowhere road I will keep on it until I see where it goes.

Love it All Goodbye

A year ago I would have never fathomed my life to be where it is today. I would have never anticipated what would happen in our lives over the next few weeks after our return from vacation. We were in the pines living up our summer before going back to school. Fishing, riding bikes, horse trail riding,  ATV adventures, fry bread runs, working on small cabin projects, playing games and eating Steve’s fabulous BBQ. 

From his sickness, struggle and death to all the emotions, complications, frustrations, setbacks and trial and error living our new life over the past almost year we have seemed to be able to adjust and start to move forward, some days slower than others, but forward. 

If you are reading my blog for the first time you may need to go to the home page and catch up, if you have been following me you are no stranger to the chaos we have experienced along the way, mini trials, setbacks and more. Even with the crap that we have experienced along the way, I am always looking for that silver lining, being grateful for what we do have, and striving to move forward, even though we will never be able to move on or live our lives the same again. I try to maintain the glass is refillable and I am still here for a reason mentality. HOPING for a purpose and brighter future for both Paxton and myself.  

This weekend proved to be a time where I actually considered giving up my ability to turn something into a positive or my ability to accept and adjust and considered I might not be able to climb my way out of the feelings I was experiencing, start to lose hope, and doubt my faith. Did I really find my breaking point? For all those people who have declared how strong I am, would this be the point where I let them down?  

Definition of breaking point

1 : the point at which a person gives way under stress. 2 : the point at which a situation becomes critical. 3 : the point at which something loses force or validity stretch the rules to the breaking point.

I found myself faced with this struggle over the last 3 days when we came home from a day full of fun with friends to discover Steve's baby girl Piper (who is now almost 7) gone from our yard. Just like she vanished. Camera footage where she was once and then never to be seen again. I will save you all the details of our search and the surging emotions that it caused, the amount of people who have helped search, dropped what they were doing, posted, and got the word out that she is gone and how truly important she is to Paxton and I. It is such a blur and so many details that I don't even know I could relive it. 

The simple fact that it could even happen still isn't understood, we really can't even fathom how she got out of the back yard, why it didn't alert our other dog and there was absolutely no documentation of it. No sign after she went out the dog door at 8:04 pm rounded the corner under the gate into the corner back yard seconds later and when we got home at 10:00 pm she was not home and we have 11 cameras with no sitings of her again.. It is ridiculously unimaginable if you ask me. We even kidded a few times Steve must have beamed down and grabbed her because he needed her more. - hey no judging sounds ridiculous but I have to laugh at something or I might just fall apart. 

For 3 days I have been sick to my stomach, played different scenarios over in my head (here returns the overthinker that I am always trying to shed myself of) went without sleep, checked my cameras to see if she returned or was out front 17 times in the middle of the night, calling for her, being irritable (mother nature has the best timing) making posters with family, crying as I hung every one, reaching out to tamale and taco trucks on the side of the road and random strangers fishing in the local canals or sitting on their porches, knocking on doors, flagging down UPS, FedEX, Amazon and garbage truck drivers to ask if they had seen her, searching for her down every road, anywhere near by, in the desert, around the farm fields, taking Ryker with us in case she was nearby and could pick up his scent, laying my bed spread in the middle of my front yard with her scent on it in hopes to bring her home, stalking Facebook, social media and all the online sites possible, going to the animal shelter, droning the area for any sign of her body or her running through a field, getting texts, tagged in posts and messages about found dogs getting my hopes up but that are not her, and lots of scam texts saying she has been found, send money, give me information etc.. I am really glad I am not that naïve. But it does piss me off to the point I should probably be praying for these assholes to not be so mean and take advantage of distressed people. It is sickening someone could even do that. 

Paxton deals with his emotions in a different way then I do and so the clashing we have done with one another in the last few days has peaked at moments that I am definitely not proud of. My patience levels slimmer than normal and my emotions so out of character for me led me into a tailspin of spiraling out of control, crying often, not wanting to get out of bed, no motivation to do anything other than what I need to function, eating very little as my stomach is in knots sick over her disappearance and the thought of her never returning is incomprehensible. 

A trip to Indiana for two weeks of R&R- giving us peace of mind, clarity and hope for the future. More motivation for myself with work, health, exercise and being happy where I am.  A child so excited to start a new project and a new competitive sport in the fall, something to look forward to, accepting of going back to a physical school in the next couple weeks after being home schooled for 6 months and less resistance to being helpful around the house and less of the teenage talking back or down to me, being more supportive of mom. All signs of moving forward in our new life- a part of me feels and fears from what I have experienced the last few days that this may halt, change, or rewind the progress he and I have by ourselves and together been able to accomplish. I pray that this is not the case, but I am not certain of the turn around bounce back time on this one. Two steps forward, ten steps back? 

I have been confused, overwhelmed, saddened, angry, felt guilty, scared and literally curious if I was at my breaking point,  what that looks like and whether I was finally there and if I could handle any more tragic notches on my timeline of life. Until today I doubted whether the uncertainty or outcome of this situation would bring me further into a pit of despair or if I would lose my hope and faith that I have always been able to save no matter what life throws at me. 

For those of you who I have spoken with in the last several days, who may have doubted my ability not to fall apart, who have listened to me cry, hyperventilate or break down crying midsentence, thanks for not giving up on me. I decided that I am not broken, the outcome, whether she is returned to us, or we never know where she went and won’t ever see her again will not cause me to lose my faith, hope or ability to be grateful for what is in front of me, the purpose I have, or the future I look forward to. It may take a little longer to get up when I fall down, but I will get up, I promise. 

I am not giving up hope or stopping actively seeking her, but I am confident that I have done all the things I can do to this point to get her back, and I need to let go of obsessing over how this might turn out and let it play out because no amount of stress or worry will bring her back to us for certain or more quickly. 

Something reminded me today of last week at the orthodontist when I noticed a kid wearing a shirt with a skeleton on it playing cards. It said It’s not about the cards you’re dealt but how you play the hand. -Randy Pausch- There is so much truth in that if you know anything about playing card games or poker there are a lot of analogies to associate with life. I may not have been able to control how she left, where she went or the fact that it even happened, I can't rewind and do it differently next time, I can just accept what happened and not let it ruin me. 

With this said I want to remind you that I am not sure that I believe that things happen for a reason as much as I believe in divine timing thanks to a friend's explanation… timing plays an important role if you pay attention and associate it to things in your life and use what you see, learn and discover at the right time it is meant to be, as we all have free will and the freedom of choice, and the ability to control our reactions to every situation. 

Last week when I heard this song for the first time on the artist's IG reel, I was not only in love with his voice, the words spoke to me... I couldn't believe I never heard of him before, downloaded a bunch of his songs on apple music, have listened to it over and over again and realized today why these words had so much impact on me, especially in the last few days with losing Piper and all the emotions and feelings I have been experiencing. 

Steve may no longer be here to be my person, to provide me love and security and all the things you experience with your significant other, especially when you are looking for validation or just someone to be there for you, hold you and comfort you, and give you hope, but his love lives in me and in Paxton just as if he were here he would love all of our fears, sadness, troubles and anxieties away by his presence, we can look inside us and feel it, because it is a love we have experienced before, love is all around us and love is what pushes us forward, gives us hope and a future. Love causes our bodies to release feel-good hormones and neuro-chemicals that trigger specific, positive reactions. Love is powerful not only when we receive it but give it in return. 

I normally leave you with some song lyrics typed out when I associate a song with my blog, but I really think you need to listen to this one.  

You may have to cut and paste it in your browser, I promise it is worth listening to. 

Love it All Goodbye- Eric Burgett

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-w6uY39ky5M