"It's just a cabinet door"

 I write for my healing and therapy, and with the hope that someone going through their own grieving situation may find comfort in knowing they are not alone. The thoughts they think and the things they do are not ridiculous or outrageous or taboo. Yesterday has to go down in my books as about one of the lowest days I have had so far. I didn't even know a person had this many tears. I cried more than the day Steve died, in fact more than I probably have any day thus far.

I woke up with the sad feeling I get on certain days, it is just there and some days no matter how hard I try, how positive I think or how much I try to distract myself with work or activities, it just does not go away. I actually haven't been able to shake this feeling to varying degrees since Thanksgiving morning. 

The night before last Paxton had a rough go, a sad night and had a hard time sleeping. I didn't go to bed until after 1:30 originally having every good intention to join my friends at the gym at 6:00 AM. Something for just me, something to help me level out my mood, my stress, and my body... it has been years since I have went to a gym. I go on spurts of getting physical activity here and there but nothing as consistent as a gym for years. Steve and I were walking 3 mornings a week before he got sick, but that didn't last long.... and spiraled to where we are now with not a lot of consistency in between. Needless to say the alarm that went off at 5:20 got turned off. 

The first person I talked to got an earful of tears, luckily she happened to be someone who lost her husband 6 years ago. I wanted to do a favor for her, but she understood I just couldn't, which made me feel even more terrible, because I normally would have, this new person who says no is taking some getting used to. Steve's aunt and uncle came to hang blinds I had ordered. One of them didn't fit, I also had another that was all mess up and it was frustrating because now I have to take them back and if they were just right in the first place...it wouldn't have to take extra effort, right now extra effort for me is exhausting. 

I had one last Christmas decoration that I had forgot to put on top of my cabinets. I love to decorate all the cabinet tops and pot shelves with Christmas decor so that it is everywhere you look. I climbed up on my counter, something I have done for 8 years now with no problem..at every holiday I switch out decorations multiple times with no problem, yesterday had to be different!  As I went to jump down the back of my shorts caught on the cabinet handle and instead of jumping I got hung up and ended up ripping the whole cabinet door off the cupboard, hinges an all - I fell on my knee, elbow and tailbone crashing to the floor. To make a long story short I ended up sitting on my kitchen floor sobbing uncontrollably for about 30 minutes while my poor 12 year old had to console me as if I just ran over our cat. He said "mom, it is just a cabinet door, we will get it fixed, it is ok, you are ok, we are going to be ok." These are the things I should be saying to him, not him me, but yesterday this was priceless. I needed his hug, his hand on my back rubbing it and his voice telling me I would be ok. We are in this together. I immediately was taken back 28 years to when my mom and I had to take turns consoling each other when my dad passed away. I recall her consoling me more than I her, and it just goes to show you how we as parents put our kids first, before our own needs. I don't remember her complaining as much as she could have been of all the things she had to do now that my dad was gone. She was wonder women in my eyes looking back although at the time it seemed normal, because she just did what she had to do. All the sacrifices she made for me reflecting back years didn't go unnoticed although they may not have been acknowledged at the time. 

 And this morning it is funny and I chuckle- because seriously I wished there were cameras in my house to capture my fall, the bruise on my butt in the mirror this morning just confirms how hard I fell. Like honestly why, what purpose did this little incident serve? How many times had I climbed on my counters will no issues, why did yesterday have to be different. And the fact that my cabinet maker had to confirm how he seriously has to make me a new cabinet door because that one isn't salvageable just goes to show you how truly crazy my life is right now because it couldn't just be as easy as hanging it back up right! I am sure no one will ask me where my cups are for awhile. LOL. 

Yes I need to be the stronger one in most situations, but yesterday was just not that day. Yesterday I was grateful for Paxton! Probably more than he will ever realize.  After I got up from the floor, my BFF came to rescue me. I laid in my bed sobbing with her forever. I do not know what I would do if she didn't live 5 minutes away. My other two besties live in Payson and Nebraska and I am so grateful for them as well, I just don't have the luxury of them living down the road like she does, and right now that is priceless! 

I had a buyer back out of a deal, which just added to the mess of my day, Paxton couldn't get into his Spanish class for school, and all the little things added up. If I sent you to voice mail, I am sorry, but I just couldn't... I couldn't handle it. If I cried to you on the phone or in person, thank you for not making me feel stupid and just letting me be. I don't even think I can count the amount of times I cried, no makeup was ever applied and I wore ripped shorts well into the evening until I got a little cold and put lounge pants on. I just didn't care. And I never showered, because why??? 

I hope me being raw and real and vulnerable helps someone feel less uncomfortable or weird or awkward on what they are experiencing. That there truly is no normal, no right or wrong way to grieve. We each uniquely have a grieving process just like we each have a different number of hairs on our head, tint to our eyes, smile and personality. Accept who you are and how you are grieving. Take days to feel like shit and then pick yourself back up and start again when you are ready. 

I have never been one to stay down or sit still for very long for that matter... so here is to today for a fresh start. The sun has risen, today is a new day and obviously God has a plan for me or I wouldn't still be here. I hope to make the rest of the week count, not only for those that I need to touch but for my healing heart as well. My heart may always be cracked, but with time the Band-Aid will get smaller and I am surrounded by people who will help me with that. I wished I knew how long that would be, I wished I could fast forward, because even though I like surprises and spontaneity to a degree, I am a planner... and I surely didn't plan this so it will definitely take some getting use to and lots of navigation through it. 

I am off to a listing appointment that I hope to get, a house to put back on the market because I just couldn't save the deal, and another home that I have had listed for 6 months that I need to somehow creatively think of others ways to get it sold. I have to get ready for Cookies and Cocoa with Santa at the school on Thursday night that I sponsor and organize every year for the last 7, The holiday festival and light parade downtown Florence on Friday that Michelle and I are sponsoring face-painting and balloons, a family Paxton and I adopted with a little girl who is struggling with cancer to buy gifts for this week and a personal goal of lots of people to smile at whose smile in return will light my way.... here is to a new day I hope that will be filled with love, laughter and promise for our future. 

I ask God that whatever you are struggling with today, he gives you the hope for your future that it will not always go this way. That you will find peace in his word and strength in the Holy Spirit who will guide you and help you find your way. 

Romans 5- 3:5 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. 

She can fall apart one day and still rise up the next, Strong women feel pain, they just don't let it break them. 

A Different Kind of Christmas

 I absolutely love decorating for Christmas! I was just as excited about it as any other year-Right after everyone left on  Thanksgiving I took down all my fall decorations and put them away to make room for Christmas! I wanted to feel the same spark I do every year. My friends came over on Friday, put up my Christmas lights on the roof where I didn't want to attempt to climb. That part was Steve's job. He was definitely not the Christmas decorator, but he did do the stuff I was scared to. They helped me get down all my decoration from the attic... not without a little teasing to the amount of containers I actually had... you might think I had a 5000 sq ft house... LOL... did I mention I love Christmas?! I told them no judging! But a little teasing produces a lot of laughter and that is definitely what I need. 

I did a little bit of decorating on my shelves on Friday before we went to PBR with friends and our kids. Saturday my intentions were to finish it all. That I did not anticipate to be as hard as it was. I guess so far nothing I have anticipated has been easy. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be, even with a positive outlook, sometimes the emotions just come no matter what. Remember grief is love with no where to go. 

I cried a lot more than I thought I would. Steve was not a decorator, but it did bring up a lot of memories while I was decorating like I normally would. Some other friends stopped by on Saturday when I was decorating and kept me company for a little while while I decorated. My lights that went up the day before never came on Friday night like I anticipated, they helped me figure out the timer, so it would work as if Steve himself set them up.  I broke some bulbs, my tree fell over, I cried a little as  I imagined Steve sitting in his recliner watching TV while I decorated the tree. They were there to help me through... I seriously love all the friends and support we continue to receive. Being loved is so important in this process. 

Here is a good example of how we all grieve differently and no judging of anyone should be allowed no matter the circumstances, no one actually knows how it affects us, no matter how similar the circumstances. A girl I most recently connected with, through a mutual friend, who also her husband about 6 months ago to a sudden heart attack posted on her page that she couldn't imagine not hanging her husband's stocking for Christmas. That she and her kids would love to receive cards, memories or stories about her husband to fill his stocking as she couldn't imagine it not full on Christmas morning... I on the other hand could not even imagine the thought of hanging Steve's stocking. As I sat and stared at it in the Rubbermaid container where it was, tears filled my eyes. I just couldn't hang it or look at it every day until Christmas and I couldn't imagine reading stories or memories being sent to me about him. I didn't ask Paxton his wishes, I just didn't hang it. He didn't say anything about it, so I am not going to even mention it not being there.  I think every time I looked at my fireplace I would burst into tears. And you know what that is ok I don't have to hang it if I don't want to. This is my personal journey and I have to do what works best for us in this process. 

I didn't put up everything I normally do, I didn't decorate as much as I am used to,  but I am satisfied that I decorated and happy with the simplicity of it. 

The true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ who came to save us from our sins and promise us eternal life in Heaven. The gifts, decorations, Santa, trees and fluff are all traditions made over the years to help celebrate this special occasion. This Christmas is still what that is all about, it is just a different kind of Christmas for me and Paxton. It will not lose its meaning. It will just be celebrated a little differently then that past. 

Paxton asked me about his Elf Tutti Fruit Loop coming this year. He said mom, I know he isn't real and I don't believe anymore, but can he still come? You can just write a note to find him each morning, I promise it doesn't have to rhyme. ( for those of you that don't know the writer in me produced little notes every morning during the elf season for about 8 years that rhymed  on where to find the elf in the house-after a few years  I  had to actually recycle some of them as I was just out of  new material after all those years.. LOL. It is cute that he wants him to return and I will do my best to make the most of it. Some times it had him do little acts of kindness, sometimes he brought little gifts. This might be just as good for me as it will be for him.  It reflects his innocence and his need for a little extra Christmas spirit this year. I want to make him feel special and to not lose faith during this sad and different time for him. Like I said before I can't fix that his dad is gone no matter how hard I wished I could, but I can try to make it the best experience he can have despite the circumstances.

 I am looking forward to my brother coming to visit and being here on Christmas morning with us. Especially after waking up Thanksgiving morning with a quiet house.  Waking up will be a little different this year and having someone here to support us, make us laugh and distract the sadness will be ever so appreciated! I look forward to celebrating the true meaning of Christmas and spending the next month enjoying friends and family to help me  through this first year in 23 years without him and 12 for Paxton. 

lyrics from A Different Kind of Christmas- Mark Schultz

.... but there is no laughter in this house, not like there used to be, there's just a million little memories that remind me you're not here. It is a different kind of Christmas this year

... There's one less place set at the table, one less gift under the tree and a brand new way to take their place in side of me. I'm unwrapping all these memories fighting back the tears it is just a different kind of Christmas this year.

As we gather round the table, I see joy on every face and I realize what's still alive is the legacy you made. 

... It's time to fill this house with laughter like it used to be, just because you're up in heaven, doesn't mean you're not near. It's just a different kind of Christmas this year.  

Our First Thanksgiving

 I thought I could handle Thanksgiving this year in my home. We have traditionally had it here for a lot of years. Steve's family and some of our friends would come and we would enjoy eating and conversing and watching football. The kids would play and we would be together. 

Everyone who came this year would support us and love on us and what couldn't be right with that. My FIL was going to make the ham and my BIL was going to smoke the turkey, then I wouldn't have more work to do. We would have tables set up and each in the orchard with the new floor in remembrance of Steve. 

I woke up Thanksgiving morning to a quiet house. I had forgotten to take into consideration all the prep work it took the morning of before everyone else arrived. Not that what I had to do I couldn't handle, but the quiet, the loneliness, the lack of noise around me. Paxton and his buddy were still sleeping as I woke to make cinnamon roll dough. There was no noise of my bedroom door opening and shutting to start the smoker and light the wood, the garage door opening and shutting to get the meat from the fridge. No mess to clean up after he had the food started, spices and things to put back in cabinets, counters to wipe down, things to throw away, no apricot glaze for me to make that he loved to finish off the ham. Just me and my cinnamon roll dough. 

I left the dough to rise and decided to just shower and get ready while I waited. It was to early to go outside, the boys were not up and I just needed to relax. This turned into bawling in my shower and continuing to bawl after the shower just sitting on the floor of my closet in a towel, sobbing... this would definitely make for a good headache later. This isn't the way it is suppose to go. It isn't suppose to be this quiet. He is suppose to be here, being nosey and making a mess, he is suppose to be here making me laugh and sharing in this day of Thanksgiving! 

I called a friend who helped talk me through the "normal-ness" of how I was feeling, he also lost his wife years back and could relate. He reassured me it was ok to be sad and lose control of my emotions,  that today would be hard and different and so beyond my control. He even said I didn't have to wear mascara if I didn't want to, but I knew getting ready, I would feel better, and I knew, just like Steve's funeral, I would probably not cry in front of 25 people anyway. 

I know all this, it is just HARD. So damned HARD. My BFF came to my rescue and immediately got up when I reached out to her, jumped in her shower and was over here in a flash. The boys were awake, my crying had stopped and we got everything ready by the time everyone came. My eyes were less puffy, my makeup was on and I felt semi-normal. Although at this point normal is about the silliest word I have ever used. What is normal? Are any of us? Probably not, but we still say it all the time. 

The day went okay despite 1000 flies that seemed to come out of nowhere and wind so strong it blew over all my flowers on the orchard tables and ruined the disposable table cloths, everyone seemed a little less peppy, a little more somber, I don't think I took a single picture, but I did laugh a little, everyone was helpful cleaning up, a few of us played games and we had some good conversation. I replay the day in my head and I feel like an outsider looking in, like I was in a daze the whole time. I did retreat to my room for awhile and you know what that is ok I was home, I was where I was suppose to be and this was ok for me to do, and if someone thought it wasn't I don't care to know.  I was glad I wasn't a guest this day, despite others offers to have Thanksgiving at their houses instead. I was right where I needed to be with the people who needed to be here. 

I will NEVER be the person that I was when Steve was alive, part of me died with him and I will never be the same like EVER. So my apologies now to whoever thinks I am suppose to be, but this isn't your journey and you can't tell me how to live it. And this I have come to terms is ok. It is harder to focus these days, it is harder to find joy, it is harder to find myself as positive as I have always been. I definitely don't like the person I am right now, ( scatterbrained, forgetful, unfocused and edgy) but I am looking forward to the person I will become after this transition period. When you lose a little bit of who you are it takes awhile to take the journey on who you will become. It is like those people who read ahead in a book or fast forward a movie to see how it comes out, I wished I had that option but then again I would miss everything that happens in between. This is my journey and I need to enjoy the good, learn and get stronger from the bad and be content with the mediocre. 

I am thankful for my Faith, thankful for my family, thankful for my friends, thankful for my home and all my animals, thankful to sneak in some laughter when I can, some happiness in between and thankful that I am still here to be on this journey of discovery, to serve God in ways that he has planned, to continue the journey of raising a good adult, the now little boy, the present that Steve has left behind. Kids will be kids, the hard part is whether you are raising them to be good adults. 

 I never expected life to be easy- so I move forward in faith that it won't always be so hard. -dani 

 “I am learning to trust the journey even when I do not understand it.”

 – Mila bronit

“It’s your road and yours alone, others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.”

“May be the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything, maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

“Somewhere on your journey don’t forget to turn around and enjoy the view.”

“I believe that life is a journey towards God, and that no one has the right to insist that you go a certain road.” – Pat Buckley

“Who you were, who you are, and who you become, are all different people.”

“Not everyone will make it to your future. Some people are just passing through to teach you lessons in life.”

“Focus on where you want to go, not where you currently are.”

“When a chapter of your Life Book is complete, your spirit knows it’s time to turn the page so a new chapter can begin. Even when you’re scared or think you’re not ready, your spirit knows you are.”

Faith, Hope and Love

When you want to be happy when you want to eliminate sadness, you often create images, ideas, moments, situations in your head on how to resolve a problem or change your attitude or what you can do moving forward to initialize and create that happiness, or at least I do. You want to spark your spirit and calm, restart, restore and organize your mind. Pain is inevitable and when it hits sometimes no matter what you do it is hard to control your reaction.

 I would say I am a relatively positive person, who has been through a lot of grief in my life and who knows that my faith is something that always seems to carry me through to tomorrow. Some days I wished I could just ignore what has happened to me and press forward and some days I can cry at every thought or with every person I talk to and nothing seems as important to me as the loss that I am carrying right at that moment. It can be exhausting and very distracting from the things that you need to actually do or accomplish that day. But just like that saying, "it is what it is." 

Grief comes in all forms and sizes and magnitudes. Everyone handles their grief in their own way. Just like pain. Some of us are tough on the exterior and big old babies inside. Some of us wear our pain on our sleeves and some of us just are so emotionally unstable at times you never know what you are going to get. This my friends is why it is important to be kind, to be patient and to have empathy for others. Never mold them into the expectations you have for yourself or what you think society sees on how grieving people should respond, the time it should take for someone to be happy or "get over" their grief. I believe you never truly get over grief and you need to surround yourself with the people who understand that, because you just might have that freak out moment years from now that those you love better understand, even if it isn't the way they would handle their emotions, their expectations of yours should not mirror their own expectations of themselves.

 

I told a friend the other day that I don't even know how I will be emotionally some days when I wake up, how can I possibly expect someone to be ready for my mood swings at all times of the day, when the least expected thing can send me into an emotional whirlwind- and I can't even put my finger on why. Dropping coffee creamer shouldn't send me into a crying spell but it can. And why? Steve didn't even like coffee. Sometimes you will recognize your triggers and sometimes you just feel like you are losing your mind for the oddest things. 

No matter what, some days the most positive thoughts cannot even stir me from the aching and heartbreak my mind and body have endured. Throw a child who is grieving into that mix and you might as well check me into the mental clinic on some days.  Remember I am a fixer, I want to fix his pain right along side mine, but I recognize that I can't. It isn't fixable. 

I like to be busy. I always have from a young age, my coping mechanism for my losses I have endured. Also I never liked to nap as a child, I never wanted to miss anything, I was always jumping to the next project that allowed my mind to work, I think I was probably ADD but that is a different blog topic.  

Busyness keeps me looking ahead, it keeps me focused on tasks, some might say I am too busy, I volunteer for too much, I say yes too often, and so on, that I need to just take time to veg, relax, cry, mourn. While this is all good advice, I have never been one to sit in that box for too long, being still often creeps me out and frankly stresses me out even more with cooped up things to do in my head. 

When I am busy, I am distracted, when I am distracted I am less sad. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to recognize my pain, but I cannot live in it every moment of every day or I would be miserable. I am still here, God needs me for something and I need to fulfill my service to Him, whatever that looks like, my journey isn't over so I should enjoy finding out.  I have gotten better over the years honing in on what I say yes to and what I don't. I was involved in a lot of activities I can remember my whole life. I was the PTA president at my son's school for 4 years. It was a big commitment, I love challenges, I let it go for 2 years and realized that I missed the joy it brought to me to be involved and I committed again this year. Timing was probably not the best with all that has happened to my family over the last 3-4 months I still organized a fantastic back to school event and then they closed the campus again to visitors due to COVID and therefore the busyness slowed down again, also good timing. I am in the midst of my annual Cookies and Cocoa with Santa event at the school and it is giving me something to look forward to. 

Pain is a funny thing. I have a novacaine sensitivity and I remember as a kid my mom teaching me mind over matter. We would do these exercises to avoid pain and fear and to concentrate. She must have learned this from her dad.  I remember the first time my grandfather taught me how to be not ticklish on my feet. My feet were so ticklish! It is weird how our memories come to us from long ago and other things we want to remember we just can't. I was probably about 6 and was laying on the couch in our living room. He had me close my eyes and he would tickle my feet as he had me concentrate on something else while I repeated over and over "I am not ticklish I am not ticklish, I am not ticklish." To this day my feet are not ticklish. I can't say that for some other parts of my body, I remember the first time Steve found a spot just about hip level that would send me into the giggles like no other. From then forward he needed to laugh or a release from a hard day, or he wanted to release my stress he would always find the spot, my laughter caused his laughter and the world would be right again. 

Throughout the years, my mom instilled in me whenever I was fearful, whenever I expected pain, teeth filling, shots, blood tests etc that I needed to pick a spot on a wall, to concentrate on going on an adventure in my head, some times it included riding a horse through a field of daisies, sitting at the feet of Jesus in a rocking chair telling a great story, and other things she had me picture in my mind to distract me. To this day I don't get novacaine when they fill my teeth. I got a tattoo yesterday and Paxton's friend asked if it hurt. Yes, well sort of it did but I was able to sit still not flinch and take my brain somewhere else while the artist drilled ink into my forearm. "Mind over matter" my mom would say, over and over again. It is engraved in my head to this day.  

And to this day I am able to escape my situation, my uncomfortableness, my pain, and even use these exercises to fall asleep when my mind is otherwise jumbled up by so many thoughts I could clearly run a marathon. Don't get me wrong, I don't run, unless bees or a lion are chasing me.. LOL. 

If you could only live one day inside my head, you might pack your bags and get the hell out of town...organizing my ever racing thoughts is half the battle it is so busy up there. I am always one step ahead in my head that sometimes I say too much and talk to fast, but my intentions are always good. I often have to stop and breath just to keep up with myself. 

The stories we create in our head can often work to help heal our broken hearts. Pain is something that everyone has to handle, whether it is physical or emotional, it exists. Everyone experiences pain. We must first learn to recognize what triggers our pain and look for the support, the comfort and the outlets that you need to minimize or live alongside it. I am not suggesting dangerous outlets, harmful to you or others, just forms of coping that exist and work for you, just as we all don't grieve the same we all don't cope with the same methods or practices that may work for our friend or neighbor either, find what works for you. 

I have been reading a lot from a grief counselor regarding living alongside your pain. She isn't telling me to get over it, to find a solution, to relinquish it, or to make it disappear completely. She says that grief is not a problem to be fixed, you need to find a way to live alongside your grief. To go on with it in your life, almost like a parallel. And this includes remembering and celebrating the person you are grieving as often as you want to. 

I know loosing so many people prior to now, I would still have sad and melancholy moments where grief will come over me, even after years of the person being gone.  Certain times of the year I would be sadder than others and I still experience these times now. I have a friend who is still grieving the loss of her son 18 years later and every year she goes through a deep sadness that overcomes her even when she least expects it and it can last several months she said. 

My first real experience with loss other than someone elderly was my best friend when I was 11, she battled brain cancer for 3 years. I had a feeling that week she was going to die and I knew the day she died before anyone told me.  I have a great sense of intuition about a lot of things and I can usually be pretty spot on when my feelings come regarding loss. I am not psychic by any means but I am in tune with certain things. Sometimes it feels like an advantage, like after my first date with Steve, when I got home and called my friend to tell her I met the man I was going to marry, I did 6 years later, or like the time I didn't want to get on a plane to Utah for work and my boss insisted I go Sunday night instead of Monday morning and I tried to convince him otherwise, yes, that plane's engine blew in the air on the way and we had to turn around and come back... needless to say my intuition said not to get on that plane! I survived thank God or I wouldn't be here to tell you this story. 

Feeling a loss for someone down the road, after years and years and years, just shows that connection and love you have. This is truly love, a love that you no longer have to give to that person. I look at it this way.  Think of a jar that is so full and under pressure it cracks, things leak out and no amount of tape or glue can fix it, you have to transfer the contents into a new jar until that one becomes too full. It is like we have an abundant amount of love stored up and saved for each particular person in our life and once they are gone the love is there still stored up to give but we have no one to give it to and sometimes it just explodes from being so full that we are overcome with sadness at the exploding moment, which can sometimes last a lot longer than a moment.  Oh you can give love to others, you can spread love and joy to so many people, but it will never be the same as the love that you had for that person. 

Steve didn't really wear his feelings for me on his sleeve, he wasn't what I would call a great source of a constant reminder of his undying love for me, from the outside he may have seemed not as into me as I was into him, he showed it in other ways, he provided for us, took care of our home and left us with such a gorgeous space that sometimes I don't even want to leave my home, he was very physically bonded with me that others never saw and when he gave me a card for my birthday, an anniversary or Valentine's Day, he took his time to make sure it said exactly what he felt and he always wrote the nicest, thoughtful messages and they always made me tear up because I knew that he truly felt the way he said and he loved me with his whole heart. A lot of times his signature included, "I love you very much, Steve." He sometimes forgot the word you when he wrote it, lol, he probably said it in his head and it just didn't get put on the card. I wanted to tattoo this on my body with the flower from our wedding that my cousin designed, just for us, over 18 years ago. I had always wanted a tattoo with that flower anyway I had been talking about it for years. 

I completely changed my mind because I felt "I love you very much" was just to long of a tattoo for me. I already have believe in my father's handwriting, Love in my mothers, I had gotten the word faith in the shape of a cross when Steve was in the hospital.... so I decided Hope was a great word of strength to add to my list. It is a little more symmetrical with the other 3 words and locations and searching through all the cards I saved from over the years, I found it several times in his handwriting, picking the prettiest font as I read. The tears poured as I re-read all the messages he ever sent me, good tears. Tears of love, tears of memories and tears of hope, hope for a future that Paxton and I can enjoy together, making new memories, cherishing old ones and living a life of abundance and purpose going forward. I now am marked with faith, hope and love, the greatest of these which is love. I have a lot of love to give and I will continue to pour it into everything I do. 

If you made it to the end of this really long blog, I wish you hope for your future in whatever it is that you are trying to deal with, whatever challenges, pain, grief, sadness you are faced with, whatever encouragement you seek, I hope you find what you are looking for. If you have someone in your life who is grieving, just be there, check on them often, listen, and love them. You don't always have to worry about saying the right thing, sometimes you don't need to say anything at all for your presence to be recognized and appreciated. 

" Be the thing you loved the most about the people who are gone." - Unknown

Psalm 62: 5-6"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken."

Friends to see us through.

 Sometimes you just run on empty. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming you just have no idea where to go from where you’re at. Grief is so hard. Sometimes your body just has no idea how to respond to the pain that you’re in. Sometimes your brain just cannot think or function or reason with what you were faced.

Sometimes I have no idea if I’m coming or going, if I make the right decisions, if I’m being a good mom, if I am being too lenient or overcompensating for the loss that my child is experiencing. Sometimes I just want to fix it. I cannot fix this. I cannot fix grief. I  can only learn to live along side it. 

This weekend was hard. Super hard. It was the first real trip, that Paxton and I had to take without his dad, or family.  The reality of him not being along on our trip was super painful for both of us.  Especially since the team didn’t play to their highest potential.  This made for a boy, who cried, after every game, longing for his dad, to tell him what he did wrong, to yell at him, to be there, to just show up, and put in his two cents.  He longed for him to be there with us on this trip, he was supposed to be there,  how could this be right without him, he needed to be there.  As a mom I am a long way for knowing how to react like Steve, why couldn’t he just show up, I cannot replace him, no matter how hard I try, I will never be his dad. I could research baseball all I want I will NEVER be him  I just won’t  

  From the nurturing mama perspective I just want to fix it. I want to make his pain go away, I want to give an alternative, a solution, but this is not a problem. This is a lifestyle. We have to learn to live in a new way. This is a super hard reality to face.  Something I cannot control no matter how hard I want to, no matter how hard I prepare or want to  

I wanted to be strong, to support him. To be the nurturer, the positive thinker, the one who lifted his spirits. But honestly I was dying inside. Because I can’t fix this.  It was a hard weekend.  I cannot fix this.   

We came home with a few different issues,  mishaps, things that happened while we were gone, I almost  ran into a recliner in the middle of the road on the 202 yesterday driving home dark, late at night, just ready to be in my own bed. My adrenaline was definitely on super mode. The recliner came out of nowhere. By the grace of God we didn’t wreck. 

 I walked into five piles of dog throw up, when we arrived home, in my bed.   I have absolutely no idea what one of them got into but why they chose my bed and not the floor is beyond me. Five layers of bedding rolled up into a ball thrown into the trash. I am not about to scrub it clean. Just don’t have the energy.  Amazon to the rescue. 

Blinds destroyed while we were gone by dogs who were upset they couldn’t be outside and the house sitter was here feeding the outside animals. All our animals are healthy and well when we got home so a couple blinds ruined is really not a setback in my book. It just added to the frustration of my life. 

 I woke up to deals going haywire. Having to put out fires to make things continue on and happen, in my real estate world. Dropping a whole coffee creamer on the floor splashing everywhere in my kitchen needing to clean it up. The wash machine that got jammed and stopped working for a tad bit. I literally cried every time I talked to somebody. A title company gal, a fellow agent, a friend, my sister-in-law, I just couldn’t hold my shit together this morning.  

They showed up with the furniture for Paxton‘s teen room that we were so excited about, something to look forward to for both of us. The couch would not fit through the door way long ways or wide… Nothing was going to get this couch into that room. I measured the couch, it fit. Did not even think about the doorway.  They took it back. Will have to find something else down the road.  Today is not the day. Too much going on.  A trip to Home Depot to replace the blinds- not everything I want was in stock, we picked out paint colors for the teen room.  Forgot the propane. Returned all the wrongfully purchased screws from the orchard floor. $325 of unnecessary purchases. Paxton’s farming simulator pre order at game stop  didn’t come in as promised, again frustration of something promised and not received. I will not promise him anything I cannot deliver, ever… this I do promise. 

There are things you can control, and things you cannot. There are friends who turn your upside down world to a right side up experience. Lunch, friendship, shopping, baking pies, making dinner, drinks and s’more’s in the orchard. Laughter, Conversation, friendship, these are the things that hold me together. These are the things that are going to make me survive this difficult time in my life.  These are the people who make all the difference. No matter how much brain fog I experience during this transition, this life part two- the obstacles, more setbacks, learning, growing, new experiences, new traditions, a new me. I will NEVER be the me I was 108 days ago, the day Steve was hospitalized,  the day we didn’t know would be the last day without him ever- FOREVER  

Today, the friends- the support- the love- these are the times I will treasure as our friends will see us through. No matter how hard this is, we can do this- we will survive, we will continue to grow and love and cherish the life we have left to live, to love and to contribute to those around us, the best we can going forward with our pain, alongside our grief to the journey we now take. 

It's me and you Pax

I received a gift card from a friend for a massage and decided to go yesterday. 

The lady was running late and I had an appointment with a client right after, which increased my anxiety levels just a tad when I was sitting in the waiting room. She came out to get me and we went back to the room. The first thing I did when she left for me to get ready, was giggle. In my old life Steve would have immediately asked me when I was done, on the phone or when I saw him in person, if she was HOT?! Lol, um my answer most definitely would have been no this time for sure. And I am sure we would have had a whole conversation about it. These intimate banter-like conversations, where he could make me laugh, oh do I miss them. 

I miss him. He is suppose to do life with me. I am not suppose to do this without him, I don't want to do this alone and I want him to come back. This is the hardest thing I have ever went through in my entire life. People keep saying I am strong and it is going to be ok, I (we) are going to be okay. Am I strong, YES, will I be okay? that might be up for questioning... somedays I feel like a total basket case, my memory sucks and I can't even complete simple tasks and feel like I am walking around in a fog, sometimes I even do stuff that seems completely out of my ordinary, or I question what the hell I was thinking,  and Oh yes, the damn lateness... I used to be 20 mins early for everything and now I seem to be at least 10 mins late or having to reschedule.

Other days I am happy, full of energy and reminding myself that I am still here, Paxton is still here and Steve would never want us to go through life miserable and depressed. Some days I even feel guilty being happy, but I know I shouldn't. 

 I will be ok, there is no doubt in my mind. My faith is strong and God will guide us through this difficult time and I hope we can use our experience to do amazing things with our life, be a little kinder to one another and ourselves, empathize with those who need it and connect with others in ways that shine. This is still so new and raw at this point and although I do look forward to a future one day where the pain is less, it will never go away, but  I wished with all my might I didn't even have to have it in the first place.

Every dream, every plan, every decision, EVERYTHING I looked forward to in my future included him. Included us together as a family. All of Paxton's firsts, all of my successes, all of our trips, and future events. He is suppose to be there in my plan. I do like to plan ahead, know what is coming and be safe in my decisions and calculations, do I love a good surprise? You bet, but it better be a good one- this is why when you plan and look forward to a future and it all falls apart, it is so hard to figure out how to do it now, what is next, what is your focus and anticipate things falling into place as they should. 

Here we go again with the popular term, new normal.... Nothing is normal and will it ever be again, but maybe it never was. This is our life now going forward and we must accept it and learn to live in a world without him. This is going to be a struggle that no time line can fulfill, there is no book, no instruction manual and no button to shut off our feelings, or tell us how we can build this new life. I have mentioned how impatient I can be at times and it kills me to have to trust that going forward this journey may be filled with many blessings along the way, at times it is hard to see that though. 

Hebrews 11- I cannot stress this enough. 

You are often asked in a job interview or when planning for upcoming business years... What is your 5 year plan your 10 year plan. Mine never not included him. My plan wasn't suppose to turn out this way. 

Sitting at my kitchen table with my friend visiting us tonight and I burst into tears. We are going to Vegas tomorrow for Paxton's baseball tournament, he is suppose to be there, he is suppose to drive, we are suppose to do this together, as a family. I am not suppose to be going alone, cheering on our son....by myself, without him. Every baseball game since he was in the hospital has been so hard, for me and for Paxton. Steve not cheering for him when he did amazing, hit a great shot, blocked a ball, threw a runner out, or yelling at him when he didn't do something right, his little "pep talk" Him not sitting right beside me, keeping track of his hits, pop outs, walks, and strikeouts. They had a great thing going to motivate Paxton to do well, $10 on base and minus $5 if he struck out. This was fun for them to do together, he kept track on his phone. 

This should be an interesting and I am sure emotional weekend. I am going to be the best kind of baseball mama that I can be, encourage Pax to do his best, and give all my attention to him. I know this is our journey and we can do this together. I pray that God gives me patience, perseverance and peace to get through this, enjoy what we can and make our memories going forward count. 

Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the road or accommodations.   

-Oliver Goldsmith

Decking for the WIN.

 

Grateful. I woke up grateful I had dream, so I know I was in a deeper sleep than I’ve been for quite a long time. I only remember dreaming a time or two since Steve passing -  my dream was about a soccer game I have no clue what that meant but that’s all I really remember. Soccer!! I have no clue because it’s not a game I follow, like or have any interest in. 

I woke up today with a heart of gratitude. Gratitude that I have a different life than my mom did when my dad passed away. I may be close to the same age my mom was when my dad died, and Paxton may be close to the same age I was when my dad died, however I am extremely grateful that our situations are not the same. My mom was a waitress her and  my dad never really made very much money. Although somehow I never seemed to want for anything. She waitressed and got her real estate license when my dad passed away to keep me in the same house I grew up in. I technically own my own business am relatively successful by my own standards and make a decent living- Steve’s income will be missed but not make a huge impact on our life.  We have never really lived outside our means or in a lot of debt.  I actually woke up feeling very grateful and blessed for my situation despite my loss and compared to what my mom had to do. She worked so hard and I barely saw her, but she did it putting me first. I can make my own schedule and I am established enough to not have to make all the same sacrifices she had to. 

Today was a day that Steve’s friends and family were going to come together and create a vision in our orchard that Steve foresaw. One of the very last projects he hadn’t quite finished. 

Their idea to pitch in and make a completion to my backyard oasis is more than I can possibly express my gratitude for. As I write with the tears rolling down… I am truly overwhelmed with the support that we are continuing to be given by the people who love us so much, those who love Steve. 

It says a lot about my character and about the kind of life that I  have lived to be given so much love when you need it the most. Paxton and I are truly blessed and grateful for our community. 

I don’t think I can express, nor do  I  think those that help us can comprehend how truly grateful that we are and how much it truly means to us for what some may consider a simple gesture has truly been a huge blessing. This completion of our backyard oasis I anticipate will give us years of joy, love, memories, tears, happiness and fulfillment. And I am sure Steve is happy to know we have such an army of people caring for us in his absence. 

My heart is full tonight, blessed, humbled and inspired by the love that surrounds us. 

The best thing to do when you find yourself in a hurting or vulnerable place is to surround yourself with the strongest, finest, most positive people you know. Kristin Armstrong

Vitamin D

 

Some days are hectic, some days are overwhelmingly sad, some days are full of energy and excitement for the things I am hopeful for and gaining back an ounce of the person I once was, some days I am just numb. Some days are for self discovery, others are full of anxiety, heartache, pain and I am crazy emotional, some days like yesterday there was a good mix of all of it... Welcome to my roller coaster, please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, you can not anticipate the timing of the next sharp turn.

Paxton has been asking me to turn my office (junk room) into a "teen room" like his aunts. Where him and his friends can hang out with an actual couch instead of them all piling on his bed in his room. I think this is a great idea. Plus if we get a sleeper sofa, I can have more of my family visit at a time without worry to where they will sleep. He is determined to get this room cleaned out, painted, carpeted (it has been a concrete floor for 2 years since we carpeted the other bedrooms because I wasn't sure if I wanted carpet or tile). He is looking forward to making it his own, picking stuff out for it and decorating.  It like me with my household projects I am looking forward to that have always been on my list of "to do's" since we moved here, is giving him something he can control as well as something to look forward to and something to occupy our thoughts. Right now, this is the hope we have for the future. Enjoying the things we can do and can make better. With this project comes a lot of organization and finding places for the "junk" to go. 

My niece has been coming to help and we are actually having a lot of fun and laughs in the process. We will probably need a dumpster for a lot of this stuff. (seriously where does all this stuff we collect come from and most of all why do we save so much!) To be honest I found a baggie full of odds and ends, from keys, to screws, nuts, bolts and some stuff that I didn't know what it even was. I contemplated looking through each thing and then decided if I haven't needed any of it thus far I didn't need it. And threw the whole bag in the trash can! 

I have already made 1 trip to Goodwill and anticipate quite a few more. When you start organizing better it takes you to the next room which leads you to feel like you need to work there too! Simplify is my new motto. If I can eliminate what we don't need, place things into spaces where things I do need are convenient to find... my life will get just a little easier. 

Now to tackle Steve's garage so that I can actually find things. This does seem a bit overwhelming. You would have thought as meticulous as he was with projects and the length he went to to make them as flawless as possible he would have been more organized... Maybe he just knew where everything was, or maybe we have doubles and triples of lots of things because he re-bought stuff we have because he didn't know we had it! In any case I look forward to the day when I can declutter and simplify my life just a little to lighten the load and live with less stuff on my plate. 

For now this is what makes me happy. It is the little things and the one hour at a time therapy and grace I am allowing myself to get to a better place, not to get over or through this pain, that I never will, but to live my new life the most effective and best way I know how for our situation and needs for our future.

So yesterday in the middle of the day on Thursday I decided that Vitamin D Therapy is what I needed and I relaxed, listened to music, ignored my phone, and tried to be still my mind for about an hour and 1/2. I am truly grateful for the design talent and the vision Steve had and the oasis he left behind for me and Pax. 

And the journey continues, one step at a time. 

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10. 

“Be still' means to stop striving, stop fighting, relax. It also means to “put your hands down”. Sometimes we put our hands up to defend ourselves from all that life can bring our way...

He will learn to love it too.

We went to bed last night with a ripped up yard and dirt waiting for the new turf we got today." I am going to hate it, Dad is suppose to take care of it... it is suppose to still be still here." " I hate playing in artificial turf, it is suppose to be real grass." "He is suppose to be taking care of it." "I would have mowed it if you gave me a chance." (we went 4 weeks with no one mowing it)  This is what I heard when he crawled into my bed at 2:30 AM. I just hugged him and said, " I know buddy." Thanks to Steve's buddy Pat, the guys were here working on it all day for 2 days... Pax was definitely mad, distracted and distraught the last 2 days. He has been struggling emotionally for the last week, already. Adjusting is hard and I think it is finally settling in that he isn't dreaming and will wake up soon... This IS his NEW life. There are only so many things you can do to distract your thoughts and sometimes you are just over the crying too! 

We argued all day today,  arguing about everything until we cried. Celena came to clean my house and probably thought I was a crazy lady. I had enough! I told him to get in the car and we just drove, we had Dutch and got gas in my car. I told him we could do anything he wanted to do. He just wanted to come home and play with his friends. That is ok, sometimes he just needs to escape, and I am not the escape he is looking for, and to be honest, he is not always mine. We sure have a bond but sometimes we just need space, to take care of ourselves in our own way. He definitely has more opportunity for this than I do. 

My patience is thin, my attention span is shortened and I get overwhelmed pretty easily these days. Things that never used to bother me do, and things I used to like to do I haven't found much interest in, and things I miss the most seem to invade my thoughts regularly and obsessively.  Sometimes I just don't feel like doing something I am responsible for at all and somedays I have the energy of a new puppy and get a lot accomplished! I can want to do something one minute and not the next. It is just bizarre this grief thing, especially at this magnitude. I lost the partner I chose that I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with along with all our hopes and dreams we planned for together. I have been through grief before but never have I been fully responsible for a 12 year old all by myself too! Like I said I just want to fix it for him. It breaks my heart to see his pain. I ask myself every day "can I do this? Am I saying and doing the right thing? Am I doing my best to get him through this when I am falling apart too?" 

I have given myself the grace to have my moments, to take MY time, not what someone else defines as the way I need to grieve, one minute at a time, one day at a time, but impatient me just wants to see how it ends... LOL. 

You Say, Lauren Daigle

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up

Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
Ooh-oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Taking all I have, and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure, God, You have every victory

When you just have to decide... no looking back.

 

Our weekend we thought ended on a high note. A wonderful weekend of baseball, 4 wins 0 losses and a championship ring! On base 7 times, with a beautiful double to center field and It all came to a crashing ending last night where once again I was up until midnight with a boy whose mind doesn't really shut off these days. No mother ever wants to see their young child suffer through this and not be able to fix it for them. 

He and I have went back and forth over the front yard grass for 2 months now. I think it is in our best interest to put in artificial turf. For the sake of the maintenance that goes along with the tiff grass, and the lack of regualr landscapers that truly know how to take care of it. He was reluctant but we discussed it often and then he finally agreed, an then took it back. He wants to think he can take care of it when in reality all he wants is his dad to still be here taking care of it, he really doesn't want to. He thinks he will but then he doesn't. 

My friend gave him the idea to save a patch of it and plant it in a planter so that he can have a piece of his dad's hard work.  Bless her heart, my rescuer. We went to Home Depot after the game and bought planters. Yes, 2... he said in case one dies. She would set it up on a drip for him this weekend and then he could mow and care for it, while I can enjoy the low maintenance of artificial turf. Would I rather have real grass heck yes I would, but I also need to not consume all of my down time with all of Steve's projects. He is afraid the artificial grass will look stupid (cause it isn't what we are used to there) and that his dad will be angry that we took out his project.

Last night he came in my room crying that he really wanted to keep the grass, which didn't last too long before it switched to begging his dad to come back, pleading with God and questioning WHY this had to happen in the first place,  what was the purpose? In between sniffles and not being able to breath through his nose with tears streaming down my face as quietly as I could as to try and give him the attention he needed and allow him the moment all I could say was "Buddy, honestly, I wish I knew and I miss him too and me too and I know it isn't fair" over and over again, as if the next time I said it everything would just be ok!  It is so hard for me to see him suffer like he is and not be able to give him a solid answer. Not be able to fix it or bring his dad back. You can give me all your theories and interpretations of biblical references, but in actuality do any of us really know why, except this world is filled with many imperfections and heartache and pain and trying to understand the things we may never know is so exhausting. All we can do is trust and hope for a better future, for us and for them. 

When my mom passed away on Jan 8, 2015 I had less than 30 days to pack up her house and purge or move everything. She owned her cabin up North but she rented about 2 blocks away from me in the 55+ community at Johnson Ranch and her lease was up at the end of the month. I tried to get an extension but it wasn't granted. They say not to do anything for a full year, but I couldn't afford to pay a year's rent there with no one living in it. So I got the troops together and we purged a lot! My mom was a collector of things and she had a lot of stuff. I had the mindset of  trash, donate, give-away and keep. These were my pile categories.  I made myself decide right away as I picked up an item in order not to dwell on it for too long. I couldn't keep everything I had no where to put it and I wasn't about to pay to store stuff I wasn't going to use. Long story short I do often wish I would have kept some of the things I gave away, but glad that I did what I did, I already have enough stuff of my own. And the things I did keep were most important to me. I have a few tubs in the garage that are my maybe stuff that I would really love to go through again and see what my thoughts are. 

Did I end up joining Paxton in bawling once again last night, you betcha, Am I completely sad that I am ripping out Steve's grass and all the love and care he put into it? I sure am. But it will never look like it did when he cared for it again. I am not a green thumb and I would rather keep the 20+ orchard trees that produce something I can consume and the 3 above ground gardens with some fresh vegetables and herbs we can enjoy, then grass that is nice to look at and probably wouldn't be if you left myself and a 12 year old in charge. Do I think that Steve would be mad at us for doing so? Not at all. Am I making the right decision so soon after his death? I do believe I am leaning toward yes over no. But I am certain that I will have to look at each situation with the approach of no regrets. This is a journey and will I make some mistakes I am certain I will, but just like life without grief we make mistakes and bounce back stronger, this too will be a stepping stone in our journey that will be part of our story. Regrets or not, when you are making a decision you are doing what you think is best at the time. 

Hebrews 11:1 

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Not a Fan

Widow -

The definition is simple a woman whose husband has died.

But hearing  the word I immediately conjure up visions of a black nasty spider or 80+ year old women. Never in a million years would I have thought to call myself this at 42 or even be in the same category. I cannot get myself to even refer to myself as a widow, even though I am. It seems like a negative word. Let me preface by saying I am not fishing for compliments here, just stating how I currently feel. And as I believe feelings are not right or wrong just the way you feel. The last few months have seriously aged me and right now I feel old, overweight, tired, and unattractive. I have and developed more wrinkles then I noticed 3 months ago, or maybe I am just noticing them more. I used to call them character lines. Now they are just wrinkles because my frame of mind is in a different place. The sparkle in my eyes is missing when I smile. I don’t need to age myself 40 years by adding widow to my status on top of how I feel. 

I am seriously trying to find joy and happiness in simple things and trying to occupy my mind with as many hopeful future things as I can so I can briefly take a break from my current state of deep sadness. I am looking forward to artificial turf in my front yard to provide relief in some household tasks and flooring in my orchard next week a project that Steve hasn’t quite finished. So if you see my working on projects remodeling my house or buying new boots or planning the best Cookies and Cocoa with Santa at Anthem K-8 no judging as temporary happiness counts as happiness and distracts me right now. I am certain I won’t always feel this way… I hope. So please if you need to refer to me as anything I am still Dani, (even if it takes me awhile to find her again) not married, unmarried, single or divorced I am widowed, but I would rather not be referred to as that. 

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

J.K.Rowling

Do all that you do With Love in your Heart

 

So I ate my orange yesterday, charred, peeled and topped with brown sugar and cinnamon. The taste wasn't awful, but I don't think I would eat something with that texture ever again...I wanted to gag with every bite. The stringy  dryness was a lot to take in. So far it hasn't helped bring back my smell anymore than I have gotten so far. My friend said it took a couple days for him. The smell of cinnamon was super strong while I was eating it but that was about all I could smell, so I am hopeful it activated something! 

Yesterday was a much better day than the previous. We still had our challenges, especially getting frustrated at certain things, but we made it. I actually made it the whole day only tearing up once talking to an old friend... a first for me. I woke up this morning and the crying arrived so don't get too excited for me... lol. I just know this will all take time and I am praying for patience and guidance each day, several times a day. 

Talking to my friend last night I was telling him about an idea I had based off of an exercise our parents used to do. I have written about this before but if you are new to my blog you may not know. They were part of a group called Marriage Encounter, where people would spend the weekend at retreats to enrich their marriage. Both sets of our parents were heavily involved and would be presenters to other married couples during these weekends. One of the take away exercises that my parents did was to "dialog" several times a week regarding anything going on in their life or marriage. It was a time for them to pose a question, take time to write about it and then exchange, read each other's thoughts, process what they read and discuss their "answers" with one another. This was designed to eliminate the lashing out and defensive factors that often arise when couples argue or verbally combat the other person's feelings when discussing household issues, problems or goals. Steve and I actually did this once or twice but he really wasn't a writer so it never stuck. When my mom passed I burned several boxes of notebooks that they had collected over the years. She saved them, I tossed them because they were intimate to them and I wasn't about to go snooping around in that. 

Being in tune with Paxton I am able to see the stuff that is working and not working for him as he grieves. This is super important to his future development at this age. There are things that will trigger his bad side and things that will make him more empathetic and loving in the future. It is my goal to help shape him into his adult self one trial and error at a time. 

I had bought Paxton a journal to be able to write down his feelings when he needs to to get them out of his head, or write a letter to his dad if he wants. It is pretty blank so far. A few days ago I had the idea that if he and I could take a few times a week to sit down together and pick a subject, like  what things will you miss most now that your dad is gone or what things are you grateful for that dad has taught you, or what things are you grateful for that your dad did to make our future lives easier...or what things that your dad taught you will be most helpful to your future self...  I can do this exercise too to get my thoughts out as well. This would look a little different for us not being a married couple because I feel some of the answers are not shareworthy because they may be too personal or intimate at times. Therefore this would be an exercise we don't exchange, or read each others, maybe we can discuss how getting it out made us feel. 

I know the last 3+ months Paxton has had no issues expressing every little thought he has going in his mind verbally, getting him to write it down might be too much.  Like his dad he isn't much of a writer, last night my friend suggested I should get him an app for his phone where he can verbally record his thoughts and play them back later if that is something that would work better for him. During our 10-15 mins of our exercise time he can go in his room and record his thoughts while I write, or if he wants to record them in front of me that is ok too. Maybe these exercises will work, maybe they will not, but it is worth a try. We all process things differently and coming up with ways that will help us seems worth every idea we can imagine. 

Paxton told me last night about the vivid dreams he has with his dad in them and they are so detailed that if he can record these and play them back years down the road he will always have memories of how his dad made him feel that could never be erased with time or age. 

Everyone of us responds differently to situations and people. All of us have different gifts to offer that make us unique.  If something isn't working in your household or marriage, don't be afraid to try something else. Just because it works for one family doesn't mean it will yours. Remember to tune into how others want to be treated, not how you want to treat them in order to get the most effective response you can get. I am lucky that I have one kid to figure out. Some of you that have multiples, good luck to you, but if you can treat them as individuals, how they respond the way you want them to, it will make all the difference in your parenting I guarantee it. I am not saying give into them for everything they want, just take the time to figure out how to listen to their needs and respond accordingly. 

Romans 12: 6-8 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

A Whole Lot of Random Tears

Who bawls for 20 mins in the Tractor Supply parking lot while going to get cat litter?  
                                                

Yep, me! This girl over here! 

I had to send Paxton and Aidan in for it... I was a complete hot mess and just couldn't stop.  

Grieving emotions are so unpredictable! I was able to go Steve's whole funeral service without shedding one tear (people might have even judged me for this!) But Random thoughts in a Tractor Supply parking lot at 8:00 PM apparently do me in! Geez... my tears spilled over into the circle K parking lot where the boys pumped my gas. I almost guarantee the women in the little white car next to us was probably worried if I was ok. 

One minute you can be happy and laughing with your son and his friend, eating popcorn at a movie theater and then BOOM! You are enveloped by the deepest sadness that you have felt all day, even though the day was just hard anyway.  Yesterday was two months since Steve passed and I didn't really pay much attention to the date but felt seriously sad all day! I woke up crying, went to bed crying, teared up at least 10 times in the middle of the day, used my handy dandy makeup touch up kit I carry around at least 4 times- 

So if you didn't call me you probably dodged a bullet because certain people I talked to sent me into crying, not because of them necessarily... I was just super emotional. and teared up A LOT, I hope no one thought it was them.. LOL. For those of you I talked to, bless your heart for not hanging up.. hahaha... And Congrats if you got to talk to or see me on a good moment! 

Paxton had a hard last  4-5 days that I had to be strong and help him through his emotion and struggles.

I cried with him at times that I just couldn't "fix" this for him, I can't make it go away and I can't imagine what he is going through as I have never been in his shoes. Sure I lost my dad when I was 14 but like I said I was a girl and 14. He is a boy who is 12. What a crucial time to lose your dad! So much more to learn, so much to experience that he could have continued teaching to our son that is no longer available. Sure he has lots of people he can reach out to with lots of skills that he is interested in, but it is NOT the same. People have their own lives too and are not going to be as readily available as Steve would be, plus there is something about that connection/bond that will never ever be matched. 

I know this journey is just beginning and honestly it will never end, we will just learn to adjust to this life. There are so many more things to mourn then just the loss of a husband or spouse in this situation. A friend of mine mentioned to me yesterday that what a lot of people don't realize (and maybe I didn't either until she pointed it out) is how we aren't only grieving the loss of our husband but the loss of so many things that we have been accustomed to. When you put it into that scale of magnitude, it really can sound overwhelming, but it actually helps me realize that I am not crazy for having all the sad moments at what I think is random times because there is so much to be sad about. 

I got out of bed, I went to my office for a few hours and I bought cat litter. If that is all I accomplished yesterday then I think I was winning! 

"How are you and Paxton doing" is loaded question, and you can ask me 30 different times a day with probably a different answer depending on the moment, if all you are hoping that I say is "fine, ok, doing better" PLEASE just DON'T ask. Because I will probably be honest and tell you and there may be a little crying involved and I cannot guarantee what crazy answer you may get. 

Paxton and I will eventually learn to incorporate a balance of what distracts us from our sad thoughts and makes us happy in the moment at some point but right now we just need to give ourselves the grace that it may take some trial and error and a whole lot of disappointment to get there. 
The process is different for everyone and I now have limited expectations. 

Joshua 1:9

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Makeup Just in Case

Some of the littlest things during the day can abruptly change your whole thought process, this is essentially heightened when you are grieving. I saw this 30 day gratitude chart on a friend's Facebook page this morning. I decided to share in the spread of gratitude on my FB page as well. But instead of posting the whole thing I thought it would be good to go through every day and post the question it poses per day, answer it myself and then ask people to participate with their favorite responses. In my mind this is allowing me to think of things that I’m even more grateful for and help me through this holiday season by reading what other people are grateful for and sparking more things that I can be grateful for. 

The first day which I missed yesterday since I didn't read her post until this morning, was what smells are you grateful for? I immediately thought of pumpkin scents that I love during Fall and I have only been able to get a slight whiff of occasionally most recently.  After posting and reading a few peoples comments my thoughts turned to the smell of Steve. 

With Covid back in July I lost my smell. And anybody who knows me well knows that I have a super strong sense of smell. Almost to the point it annoys people sometimes because I’m always asking if they could smell a certain thing that was strong to me but of course most times they couldn’t but I definitely could. One thing being pee. I absolutely used to be able to walk into a home and could tell you if they ever had animals and usually what kind! Almost like I was obsessed with it, not pee... just obsessed if people had the same strength of smell that I did. This thinking turned my mind to thoughts of when people lose someone they hang onto their clothing and don’t wash it because it still has that person's smell on it. Nostalgia 101. I every once in awhile I will smell the smell of my grandma's basement, and it wasn't pleasant. She had German Shepherds who she let poop in the basement, which combined with the mildew/musty smell of an old Midwestern home has stuck in my nose all these years and I will NEVER own a German Shepherd because of that. 

I remember savoring her smell when my mom died, she had a zip-up hoodie sweatshirt she wore a lot and I just remember keeping it in my closet and smelling it when I would get sad! People most often times have a distinct smell to them. It was comforting to me to do this. I feel like I was robbed of that when Steve died, there were lots of articles of clothing laying around when he was in the hospital and I could NOT smell any of them! Because I cannot smell much right now, and I know that his smell will not last forever, and I will probably not have the opportunity much longer and it has probably already went away.

 On and off for a few months now I’ll get a whiff of something but then it goes away and when I completely pull it up to my nose I can’t smell it at all. When Steve was in the hospital I had a run in with some lavender essential oil that ended me up in urgent care, but that is a story for another time. Still not fully having my smell helps with the stinky pigs I’m raising right now that my husband bought and brought home the weekend before he got sick, never my intention for them to be my responsibility! Although I often wonder what the neighbors think... Lol. They will go to butcher soon so not such a big deal. When I asked last week the neighbor behind me didn't seem to think they smelled at all... That is winning in my book. HA! But it also makes me curious if I smell like body odor ever or something else that doesn’t smell so good and no one is telling me!!! I am definitely trying the cinnamon and orange trick a friend posted earlier as soon as I get to the store for an orange. Ill let you know if it works for me. 

Anyway I will have to say that my favorite smell in the whole wide world was to be nestled in the crook of Steve’s arm while laying in bed- the smell of his deodorant mix with his sweat. That might sound disgusting to some people but I LOVED it! It never smelled like that out of the deodorant tube - believe me I have tested it in the past just to see and it was never the deodorant itself it was his chemical reaction to the deodorant. Sadly my son nor anyone else who would wear the same deodorant would ever smell the same as Steve did! That’s why sometimes you can buy the same perfume as someone else and it smells completely different on you then it does on them. All of us have a different chemical make up and our skin reacts and sweats differently and therefore you can love the way it smells on the clerk at the store, buy it and not love it on you... All the while this stuff is going on inside my head

and then it hit me… 

I will NEVER smell his smell again. 

Which throws me into a tailspin of crying that I otherwise hadn't anticipated for the day. But honestly I almost can never anticipate how my day will go, or when the slightest thought will spill the tears. Hence the bag of makeup I carry around with me everywhere I go. And thanks to the girls at Rail 3 Ranch, my favorite leather goods store in Florence, I even got a new makeup bag as mine was many years old, ratty, and torn and I figured my makeup deserved to be carried around in style just in case.

Savor the good moments, memories, smells and all the rest,  let go of the bad ones. Forgive when it feels like you can't, don't hold grudges over stupid things, talk through your problems, issues or obstacles with your spouse or loved one, we often assume what people are thinking instead of actually asking them what they are thinking, HOPE and most of all LOVE. Love is the greatest gift you can give someone! Don't be stingy with it, you have more than you realize. 

As I have been told and I’ve mentioned before that grief is bottled up love that has no where to go because the person you gave it to is no longer there, I had a huge amount of love that I gave to Steve every single day and I still have it but it has nowhere to go. I also have an empty space once filled up with his love that remains a hole that isn't being filled. There are so many things you don't realize until you actually experience them when grieving. Make sure that you are sharing how you feel with your loved one, filling their hole and they are filling yours. Communicate, talk to one another and tell them how you feel. I had an amazing marriage, of course it had its ups and downs but the LOVE I poured into it and received kept it going strong, even with our little quirks and expectations of one another, and that will be something that can never be replaced. 

I have had several people tell me that I will find "love" again, they just know it or they are confident of it or they can see it... a funny thing to say after a recent death of the man you have been with for over 23 years and the only "love" you have ever known. But I think people are sometimes not sure WHAT to say and they just want to give you HOPE for a better future. I tell myself everyday that people mean well no matter what they say. Finding a new someone may or may not be the case for my future. This is the beginning of my journey. I am definitely not seeking it NOW and no matter what my future looks like I would never LOVE someone the same again. 

As I am finishing up this blog my friend called and Paxton who had no idea what I was even writing about came into the room to tell us a joke! I'll leave you with this since this made my cry because we were laughing so hard.

"What do you call an over 80 dating site? 

AlmostTooLate.com then that spiraled into YouAreTooOldForThis.com, FinalDestination.com, ReadyToExpire.com,  LastChance.com, and so many more I can't even remember! Laughter is truly the best medicine sometimes. It may not fix it but it sure can temporarily change my state of mind and right now that can be such a blessing to me when I need it.