Squashing the Guilt

Oh goodness you guys, it is definitely time to stop feeling guilty and start teaching lessons and raising the boy I want to see grow into a good man. 

He was robbed. There is no denying that, but he is also not the first or only person to lose a parent just shy of 12 years old and I can’t feel guilty or feel sorry enough for him to continue to try to make it up to him by taking it easy on him, letting things go or letting him learn to talk to me a certain way or disrespect my authority. We are still adjusting but the figuring shit out transition period really has to be over- because the grief my friends never goes away and the pre-teen boy isn’t about to go away anytime soon, Lord, help me. 

A friend of mine sent me a quote yesterday that I sent him after his wife passed years ago. 

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross said: The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.

Last night I made him brush his teeth again (so tragic)  sometimes he begs me he is so tired he will do it in the morning and to save arguing before bed I let it slide. 2 nights in a row now I have not. Last night I said “how many times would your dad ask you to brush your teeth before you did it.” He didn’t answer but he brushed his teeth. 

Last night I also told him that before I could take him fishing this morning he needed to pick up all the horse poop and make sure the garbage can got out to the street before the garbage came.

 As he was walking out the back door he says “Mom, I would be so much more willing to do my chores if it was even”

 I said “ if what was even?” 

He said “you know like I feed the horses and you feed the goats and I pick up dog poop and you pick up horse poop, you know like help each other out.”  

Friends, I seriously almost spit out my coffee. 

“ Oh, I see you want things to be even?” Like I do my laundry you do yours, I make myself dinner you make yours?” 

He says “come on Mom.“ 

Ok,” I told him “while we are fishing I’ll make a list of each of our chores and we can compare and make them more even.” 

He sort of shut the door hard but I let that one slide because I was so excited for my comparison plan to become a lesson  😉 

 

It was a rather windy morning so as he tried to maneuver the boat and got a little frustrated but seemed to maintain a pretty positive attitude for the circumstances more so then I have seen recently, ( I was secretly proud of his control but didn’t want to make a big deal or call attention- sometimes he gets embarrassed easily.)

 I wrote away in my little 5x7 notebook… 3 pages to me verses his 3/4 of 1 page for him ( I am sure I missed some things (like taking the garbage out and bringing the cans back up) but not the point of the exercise I was trying to demonstrate.) 

I said “Paxton I think I am done with our lists.” I read his then asked if he thought I missed anything. He said no. I even offered that I wrote brush teeth and shower on his list to make it seem longer although I don’t consider proper hygiene a chore technically.  Why would you not want to feel clean. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I then moved on to mine. I even repeated some of the things on his list and added them to mine to emphasize that I do them if he isn’t awake on time or if he is absent from home when they need to be done. 

As I read he chuckled. I said “what is funny?” 

“Pay the bills” he said sarcastically, “ that is not a chore”. 

I said “it is a responsibility.” 

He said “ well you HAVE to pay bills” 

I said “well you HAVE  to feed animals or they will die.” 

He said “well we don’t have to have animals.”  

“Ok”, I said. I will get them all listed for sale when we get home.”  

He said “Mom, you are so funny, so funny.”  

I think he got where i was going, for now at least. Wish me luck. 

PS he didn’t want any more of my responsibilities added to his to make it “even.” 

So these are my new strategies  

*Ask him how his dad would handle it.

*Stop letting him persuade me to let him change or postpone something I have asked him to do. 

*Prove to him how fair he really has it- sometimes using paper, writing lists or demonstrating something can go further than words or a verbal explanation. 

I am over the days of trying to make him do things because I said so. When he asks “why” and I say “because I said so” it doesn’t seem to get me very far in the credibility department.

 

Sometimes you just have to explain by showing why it is a certain way for him to understand why my way is better, his way of thinking would really add a lot to his plate if he wanted it to truly be even. Our house doesn’t run it self and things don’t magically get done,  so complain a little less and be grateful a little more little boy. I thought I was demonstrating this by my actions but so far it isn’t necessarily working since most of the stuff I do without complaining he must not see or takes for granted. I’m the parent over here and I’ll admit I need to do a better job with disciplining. But I do think it is not only hard to be the discipliner and the nurturer at the same time it is also hard to find the perfect balance, but I have to do it. 

Now to adjust some anger issues, reestablish some outlets for him, and get him back into sports… one day at a time, one day at a time. I’m not superwoman, although if it came with her body and strength I might apply for the job. LOL. 

Thank you to my support system for your suggestions on how to raise a good adult, you all know who you are- I may not always take every suggestion, I may tweak some to be fit for my circumstances and some might just be perfect for the situation and I’ll incorporate them but I appreciate the opportunity to bounce my ideas and thoughts off of you and make myself seem a little less crazy and a lot more real. 

I saw a shirt the other day a lady was wearing at chick-fil-A it said 

It takes a Village, a Winery and a Chocolate Factory. 

True so true… 

My Space and a Book

 

  I remember when Steve first brought up the idea of the orchard to me. I am able to visualize when it is in front of me, not as much when it is described. My mom always used to describe floor plans to me and I just really needed to see it for myself. Steve had always been a great designer and I had no doubt he would make his vision come true. He designed and researched and drew it out on graph paper. He carefully purchased the trees found out what would flourish in our desert heat and soil and hand picked each one. Some came from Tucson, some from Mesa and others Phoenix, he ordered a few from California even. 

14 trees (in the actual orchard, we have 20 fruit trees in all) , a stuccoed block wall with planters and stone, pillars with slate caps, travertine steps with under lighting, a middle breeze way with a metal arched framed oversize gazebo, and composite decking to house a sectional, firepit and table for eating. The baby trees he planted over 3 years ago have since flourished. Some almost as tall as the shade structure in the middle which if I had to guess (don’t quote me) is at least 10- 12 foot tall. 

All stone fruits various varieties of peaches, pluots, plums. apriums, 2 apples and a pomegranate tree. 

He didn’t get to see the finished product before he died. But his friends came to finish it off by completing the decking he didn’t get around to. I placed wind-chimes ( Steve hated wind-chimes, he thought they were too nosy but this was intended to be my space) A serene and peaceful space, furnished to my liking, to escape the noise and hectic mess of the outside world, the everyday chores of my household responsibility, and any work stress I had at the time. 

Steve knew how much I loved to read and knew how very little time I had sometimes to do it or escape what was going on around me to actually enjoy it. 

He loved the trees he loved researching things and nurturing them to grow and flourish and he wanted me to have a place to feel the calm I needed every so often or as much as I wanted. He new my job was stressful and it caused a lot of exhaustion not physically but mentally. 

He created our yard to be a place that everyone wants to come home to, a safe, serene and beautiful oasis in my own backyard. Who needs a vacation when you can walk out in your backyard and feel your stress levels drop immediately. A place to enjoy on our own, a space to entertain, a great environment for our animals, a pool with soothing waterfalls, gardens to grow whatever we wanted to cook with, and a baseball space and fun trampoline area for Paxton. Our patio almost the full length of our whole house to cook outdoors and smoke the meats he loved to perfect, watch the sunrise as it faces East, and enjoy the gorgeous nights before summer hit and look at the sky full of stars. We are out far enough from city lights we can capture their true essence.  He and I would often lay on the trampoline at night and just look up and gaze at the twinkling of stars. 

I have since November when the boys put down my deck been able to host a lot of girl friends and wine nights sitting by the fire listening to the sounds of nature, talking about all topics and life. 

Tonight was the first night that I actually grabbed a book, made my way out to MY space, lit my fire and lounged on my sectional all by myself ( well 2 dogs included) and listened to the sounds of nature, the crickets, the horses chewing on their dinner over the fence and delved into a book again. ( I really need to find someone to install the sound bar he purchased and play some relaxing tunes as I read so I can drowned out the new next door neighbor noise when I am trying to relax, no offense to them but voices carry out in the middle of nowhere and they come equipped with the cutest little red-headed 4 year old kid. I mean this with love in my heart.) 

In the last 9 months the closest thing I came to reading a book was audible or a podcast in my car. It is really a great feeling to pick up a book, thumb through the pages and escape into a story taking me away from my present situation and bring me into a story someone else has created for my enjoyment.  (thanks Colene for letting me raid your book shelves) 

This is truly what was intended for me and I am so grateful and blessed… no matter what has been taken from me, I am still very blessed. I can’t stress that enough, even in the sad, even in the difficulties and the pain and the unfairness I am blessed for sure. 

A husband who saw to it that I was left an oasis that could never replace him, but in a heartbeat I would trade to have him back, but that was carefully calculated whether he was aware of it or not to get me through all the bad, uncertainty, frustration and new uncharted waters going forward. 

He set me up with Gods help, I am sure,  because there is a plan for me that involves me to be feel Steve’s love and Gods peace, mercy and grace  as I maneuver and adapt to the life I am to live going forward. 

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

I may not know what my future holds, I am taking it one day at a time, praying that I find courage to move forward with love in my heart, strength to raise a son to become a good adult, the motivation to be of good service to others and the acceptance of a journey that is tailored to me. Trusting God and his timing along the way. 

Bring the Rain

 

I didn’t sign up for this. I wasn’t prepared… really I wasn’t. No little girl’s happily ever after ever prepares her for her spouses death. Death is inevitable, death is expected, but it is also confusing, frustrating, unnerving, and harder when the picture we have in our head of how our life is supposed to be in interrupted by it at an non-expected time.

I remember how I always envisioned growing old with my spouse doing grandma and grandpa things, enjoying the things that we loved and worked hard for and dying at home or in a hospital in our 80’s or 90’s. When it is in your 40’s it just doesn’t fit the plan. Steve’s parents have been married 55 years and I envisioned that… especially after my mom lost my dad at such a young age… that wouldn’t also happen to me, right? Or so I thought.

I have been struggling lately with the plan… what is the point of the plan? Why do we plan if it isn’t going to work out anyway? Why do we worry, wait, hold back and carefully calculate the things we do?  For the right time may never come if we put it off until we are ready, until something else happens first, until we are in the right moment, have more money, look better,  or any other circumstances we think need to happen first before we can truly be happy. We could run out of time at any moment as we have no idea when it is our time.

This past week there have been major signs of Paxton harboring anger that I have never seen thus far to the extent that came over the course of the past couple weeks. I watched it build up, not quite sure how to respond but not doing it in the way that was getting the reactions I wanted. Why doesn’t he want to be helpful I thought in my head, I have been through so much that it would be such a blessing for something to just be easy. But life isn’t easy and for me to expect to have a kid who lost his dad just sail through this with no hiccups, always listen to what he is told, never push my buttons, bounce back quickly when he gets upset or to always do the right thing is very unhealthy.

 He asked to go talk to our pastor and I fully supported taking him without any question as to what he was going to talk about. I don’t feel like I need to know everything that he wants to discuss with someone other than me unless it somehow is a danger to himself or someone else.  He is very insistent on not wanting to speak to anyone who hasn’t been through his experience or anyone who doesn’t understand what he is going through, and I respect that. I am not sure the psychologist my mom took me to when my dad died really helped, they stuck me on some anti-depressants which made me weird, and I weaned myself off anyway. Lots of schooling and statistics doesn’t necessarily make you relate to someone and always know how to help them handle their situation. I am sure some people would disagree but again, you do you and I will do me.

I think I have mentioned before that he has been having some control issues about where I go and what I do and what he does, what he puts off, what I must tell him to do 10 times before he actually does it. How much of this is being a scared, anxious little kid who lost his dad and how much of it is a moody pre-teen who just wants to push my buttons… a mix of both, but as a mom who really wants to raise a child to be a great adult someday… I need to change my approach. What I have been doing the last 9 months is not working.

This is a major life adjustment period, there is no rule book, there are no set expectations, and everyone is different. How I wish Steve was by my side to bounce things off of… yes, I have friends I can lean on but it is NOT the same. No one else can even begin to understand my situation because it is mine and Paxton’s alone. I love my support system and welcome suggestions, but just know they may not fit us, and we may not take your advice so don’t be hurt if we take a different more fitting approach for us.

The week had lots of ups and downs, lots of yelling, lots of feelings of anger, guilt, disappointment and ended with lots of tears. I started to actually follow through with my threats when he decided he didn’t want to do something I had asked. He threatened me with his words and his anger trying to upset me enough and guilt me into doing just what he thought was expected as a mom and also to weasel his way out of doing things, trying to get me to do stuff for him. Oh I have no doubt he has had headaches and back aches from the tension and stress of what is going on in his head as well as the wind, pollen and susceptibility to allergies this time of year. Do I think he exaggerated a little? I think he exaggerated quite a bit and I had enough.

He needs to go back to school. I know it is going to be hard and I must prepare myself to be a “bad” but “good” mom, by not rescuing him this coming school year when he may not feel like being there. He needs the interaction, the stimulation, and the peers to get back into the routine of life. Do I think he needed the break to be able to processes everything, you bet I do, I do not regret the decision I made to home school him. Everything that we have encountered so far in this journey is preparing us for our future and we will be better because of it. It will strengthen our relationship, our dedication to one another and hopefully bring us heightened respect for one another even if I don’t feel like he is displaying that respect for me at this time.

He needs to find a hobby that fits him now. He has pretty much quit any consistent activity in his life at this point and it is time for me to put my foot down and get him back into something so that he has something to be hopeful for and enjoy, no matter what this looks like. He needs a consistent activity.

Last night we had a huge fight, many things were said that needed to be said, many things that needed to be cleared up, many tears were shed, and I think we needed to actually experience this in order to better understand where we are each coming from, why we are doing what we are doing, how we feel about each other’s decisions and expectations so we can appropriately respond. When you agree or push things “under the rug” when they are really bothering you or don’t agree you are people pleasing while festering feelings that are not good for your inner peace and can blow up later.

Communication is key in any relationship that you want to thrive, even if you are newly trying to figure out how to communicate in the most effective ways by feeling out what expectations are there, why we do the things we do, what makes us respond both negatively and positively to one another and how to better understand those we are communicating with. So many of us assume we know what someone is thinking or how we want them to treat us, but many of us never actually say what we want or explain why we do things to get the responses we are expecting. None of us are mind readers and we don’t all have the same expectations.

I learned a lot last night of where his anger is coming from not just that his dad died, he learned a lot about my sadness and why I have made some of the decisions and choices I have over the past months. I felt he better understood why it is important to live our lives while we are still here and that his dad would want us to be happy. I felt closer to knowing how hard this is for him even though I will never know exactly what is going on in his head, he realized that I am doing my best to be strong for him and that I am not “over” my grief, I just am older, more experienced, and better equipped to handle mine than he is.

He learned what I need from him to help me support him and keep our place running and my sanity. My expectations are not super high because he is still a pre-teen boy, but my standards were set for him to respond more responsibly and respectfully to me. He needs me to be a mom in the present. My career can be a blessing and a curse. I make my own schedule but sometimes the things I do on my computer and phone can be worse than actually working an 9-5 job where I am gone. To me I am here for him, but then again I am not really present if my mind isn’t. This has been a struggle for a long time. I am that people pleaser, but I cannot be everything to everyone at the same time and I need to add a little structure and set proper expectations for my clients as well as Paxton to be more of an effectively present person for both.

Nothing is perfect and you cannot expect it to be. This trial-and-error period doesn’t have an expiration date unfortunately it is a constant growth opportunity, which can be looked at as both good and bad. You must accept the bad with the good and plow forward, sometimes into the unknown. As I am constantly learning this life is a journey, not a destination… the destination will come eventually when our time here is up, but for now we must enjoy it while we can look forward to the next chapter one day at a time.

Yesterday I was asked by a friend if my experience at any point made me question my faith? I responded previously yes, this time no. I am very faith grounded, that is what keeps me going, that is what keeps me from completely falling apart, although sometimes I want to. I think it is normal to question, normal to have doubts and normal to bare the thought of never-ending pain to the extent nothing else seems to matter. I would never judge anyone for this. This morning while getting ready a song came on the radio and I just had to send it to her. The words rang true we will be tested, and it is up to us to put our faith above our circumstances and know that every day may not be good but there is something good in everyday and holding on to hope can make all the difference.

Mercy Me- Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Billy Montana / Helen Darling

 

 

Take the Opportunity before you rely on Chance

 

Twenty four years ago when I woke up it was a Sunday morning.

I honestly couldn’t tell you if I was nervous or excited, what I wore, how I did my hair or much of our conversation- I remember what he wore, where we sat and how I felt when I was with him. My first Diamondbacks game in their Inaugural season with what seemed like a nice wholesome family oriented man. I was finally going on my first date with this boy I had been talking to for a few weeks. We met through a mutual friend Mary that I worked with at the time. I just turned 19 and was in college he was 22 and working full time. This day changed the course of my life forever. Him being in my life and taken from me were both opportunities. 

Sitting in church for my mother-in-law’s brother’s funeral last week one of the cousins told some stories about what he meant to him and what type of guy he was. Listening to his tales, he mentioned remembering going to church one Sunday where he told his uncle he was glad he had the chance to be in church with him that day and the uncle looked at him and said, nothing is by chance, it is all an opportunity. That really resonated with me.

 Chance is like rolling dice or flipping a coin, opportunity is a window of time you are given to make something happen. I believe life happens and that timing is key. I also believe that things don’t happen to you just because. I also believe we have a choice when you are faced with two or more possibilities. We are presented with opportunities by God, but we still have free will and we are able to act upon these opportunities or pass them by. We can learn from our mistakes and try again or quit and maybe miss out on the opportunity to succeed or better ourself. We can thrive from our heartaches and push forward, or we can become bitter and resentful and live a life of despair. We can choose to do a lot of things in our life no matter how difficult. Sometimes we give up before we even get started, sometimes we throw in the towel in the middle of the struggle, sometimes we just don’t even try for fear of failure and sometimes we do it until we get it done with pain, sweat and tears.

Yesterday was one of those days. I recently bought a microwave from Lowe’s (the heating element in mine was no longer reliable) and after waiting on it for almost 2 months ( I wanted it to match my other appliances) it was delivered. Somehow, I was expecting they would install it I guess. I don’t know. When they delivered from Spencer’s my washer and dryer about a year ago, they hooked them up for us. That was not the case. I guessed I had to pay extra for that, but I don’t even remember getting the option. I had someone offer to put it up, but our timing was off for the last week, so yesterday I decided that I would tackle this project on my own as much as I could and have Paxton and Aidan help me with what I couldn’t.

Paxton helped me remove the old microwave. I had to make a few calls, watch a few videos, google to figure out what tools to use (don’t worry I had all the faith whatever I needed would be in my garage, Thanks Steve), take apart a portion of the new microwave, flip an exhaust set up from roof to rear, reassemble it, and after 3 tries we finally got it in. The previous microwave holes for the bolts did not line up to this one. The template did not line up ( or it was operator error, I have never used a template in my life- Steve could make a template from scratch when he would do a project but I hadn’t ever paid attention to how they worked or where to line them up- in my defense the paper was way bigger than the cabinet above my stove and the arrows on it were no where near the edge of the paper)

I was bound and determined that I would get this microwave hung. These boys almost threw in their towel and told me to call the neighbor. But as my aunt said the Polack in me had more determination than defeat. No matter how hard, no matter how frustrating, I know there are some things I CAN do. I could have easily waited and paid a handyman (the few I called were booked out) and I could have waited on friends who offered to help me. Some might say my impatience gets the best of me sometimes, but sometimes I feel like it also presents me with the opportunity to shine where I never thought I could. There is something about accomplishing something on your own without paying for it or asking for a favor that just feels good. Did I have two teenage boys help me, yes I did (no one can hold a microwave and bolt it in at the same time by themselves.) but I also feed them both almost every day, take them lots of places and put up with their teenage moodiness, even though one of them isn’t mine- so they are obligated… LOL.

In the bible there are a lot of verses about opportunity and a lot of them point to Judas waiting for the right opportunity to hand Jesus over to the authorities.  This was not by chance, it was a choice, but a choice that he had to make where the hand of God was in the delivery because that was the way it was supposed to happen us to have salvation and eternal life promised to us. Depending on what bible app you use the word opportunity presents itself in the bible almost 2.5 times more than the word chance. Knowing this can be something of great value when you take the time to recognize the opportunities that present themselves to you on a daily basis.

For those of you who may be struggling with something, just remember that you can look at something as a burden, struggle, tragedy or disaster and dwell on how unfair life is. We cannot rewind and start over or change the outcome, we can only take what we have, recognize the opportunity going forward and make what we want for ourselves. Take what you have and make what you want! Those of us who are survivors are still here, our life is still going forward, and we can recognize the opportunity to grow and shine and use this to serve others and be happy or we can harbor our ill feelings and live in defeat. It is a choice. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to feel defeated, like I have said many times feelings are neither right nor wrong, they are just the way we feel, but we cannot let them overcome us and we can not live life in sadness or defeat. What an awfully lonely life that can be. 

If you need a confidence boost, go out and do a project you never thought you could it just might make all the difference.

 

It had long since came to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things. -Leonardo da Vinci

Not a Buckle Bunny

I love my son, but I will have to say he is a super protective kid, and sometimes it is too much for me to handle. He worries a lot and he also feels the need to take over the roll of his dad in certain aspects and the next thing I know he also just wants to be a kid. I don't blame him one bit and his feelings, instincts, apprehensions, worries and concerns are all justified, valid and real to him. Sometimes he goes a little too far with his worries and concerns but who can blame him from what he has been through. This adjustment period isn't easy. Feelings are neither right nor wrong they are just feelings. And he is just wanting to protect his Mama, I wouldn't expect any less. 

Do I think he worries way to much about things that may never happen? For sure. Am I trying to teach him that it is okay to have concerns, but that he can not consume his mind with things that will most likely never happen... you bet I am. 

I know that neither of us are the people we were 8+ months ago and that is ok, we shouldn’t be expected to be, but it does take a lot of adjustment, patience, tears, arguments and a good amount of laughter to carry us through. I know he isn't used to his mom wanting to go out a lot, with friends, to unwind and have a good time but sometimes that is what his Mama needs. 

Of course if Steve was still here it wouldn't even be a thought. But because he has plenty of friends especially in our subdivision surrounding him almost everyday, he doesn’t really understand I need that too. So much of my life was spent with his dad for so many years, content and happy and how honestly I took Steve being there for granted most of the time,( not really counting how many times a day we spoke or the simplicity of his presence even when we didn’t speak every second of everyday we were together just knowing he was there was more powerful meaning then I ever thought, now that he is not.) I never envisioned him being taken away so early in my marriage. Yes we were together 23 and married 17 but still seems like such a short span compared to some people married 50+. I guess I am your typical romantic... whether my dad died young or not, I always dreamed of growing old with my spouse and spending  many years together before either one of us said goodbye. No one gets married “until death do you part” thinking it would be over before you really had a chance to live it.  

Did we have our ups and downs you betcha, but the bond we had far outweighed any doubt or obnoxious qualities and I already knew that there is no perfect person, so I was never in search for one. I watered the grass where I already lived. 

I will be completely honest, I am lonely. That adult contact, intimate touch and loving relationship that I lived on a daily basis is gone. I am happy with who I am and learning to love who I am becoming because of this. I am ultimately a positive person and being down, depressed or bitter really isn’t a valid choice for me. The saying goes your either a glass half full or a glass half empty kind of person. No matter which you are remember the glass is fillable. 

Our journey isn’t easy but I am trying to enjoy it when I can. That is how I will survive and thrive. But sometimes I just need to get out of my house and out of my head. I need to have adult conversations and do fun enjoyable things. If not I seriously might become bitter and no one wants to be a part of that and that is no way to raise a kid. 

Paxton and I have had many conversations about his concerns and apprehensions about me going out with friends and what that means over the past months and I try to ease his mind and heart with every one he has. 

This past weekend I got last minute tickets to Country Thunder for Sunday and he was absolutely doing everything he could in his power to get me to stay home. He just went out with us the night before and I had just taken him fishing for 4 hours that morning.  His attitude was off the charts. He seemed ungrateful to me. I am not going to bore you with his tactics this story is already long enough but let’s just say I decided I was going no matter what. 

It was well over 90 degrees and so I opted for jean shorts with my boots. Of course he had to comment I looked like a Buckle Bunny which to him is a little deeper than the actual definition when you look it up. In the definition, it is simply is a “woman follower of rodeos and cowboys”. (He and his close friends, girls included  all live on property, have horses and animals and do riding of some sort, the real deal)   In their mind a buckle bunny is a fake cowgirl who gets all dolled up to attract the cowboy and has more interest in the cowboys and there winnings then they do in the horses or actual events. 

Well guess what buddy, it is 96 degrees outside and this music festival will be filled with lots of of fake cowgirls wearing short shorts and boots who probably only wear boots once per year for this event and have never ridden a horse in their life so who cares I’ll fit right in and no one will know that I am a horse riding ranchin Mama.  It was too damned hot to wear jeans and for this event I didn’t feel the need to.  To be honest you would never catch me in shorts and cowboy boots at an actual rodeo no matter the temps but as I have always preached, dress for your occasion as I don’t ever recommend riding a horse in shorts. 

Michelle and I were only 15 mins away from home and no sooner did I enter the festival than he was already calling wanting me to come home. He was quite demanding and a little rude about it. Like I said I vowed that I wasn’t going to give into him so I didn’t allow him to control the conversation. He was pretty ticked and I do remember hanging up on him at one point, but he has to learn that unless he is sick or his life is in jeopardy I am the adult and he cannot control or guilt me into doing all the things he wants or assuming the role he thinks I need to be playing as a mother or my quality of life will suffer. I am not out all the time partying it up or slacking in my household or motherly duties. Everything I’ve done is in moderation. 

I am sure there are a lot of naysayers who are all for my kid comes first before my needs and that is completely fine for whoever that suits. You do you and I’ll do me.  There is a point where I believe if you don’t take care of yourself how can you truly take care of someone else?! 

And what am I teaching him for his future relationships if he becomes this control person now at this age. Yikes. I don’t even want to imagine that. 

Here is how it went after our phone conversation I will share with you our texts and they made all the difference. 

Paxton: sorry that I miss dad and care about him. I am sad and mad. 

Me: I miss dad and I care about him too, sometimes I need to just escape my sadness. I love you very much but I’m trying to cater to you as well as take care of myself.  If I don’t take care of myself I will fall apart for you I hope you understand. Right now we are listening to Sawyer Brown. Old school country. Dad would love that. 

Your dad and I went to CT for years. And we hadn’t been in a long time. Somehow makes me feel closer to him. I love you. 

Paxton: I love you too. 

And guess what I didn’t hear from him again until I told him I was on my way home. 

So my advice today to all of you, communication is key. Be honest with your wants, needs, desires. Stand firm in your decisions but also be willing to compromise at times. We don’t all think alike or have the same likes/dislikes as one another. I think if we did life would be boring. 

Don’t assume someone should figure out or understand you unless you tell them what you expect, how you want to be treated or share your hopes, dreams, desires, passions, fears, concerns and on and on. Set expectations upfront and be willing to navigate through uncharted waters with compassion and love but most of all understanding. Extend grace to one another. If your child, parent, significant other, friend doesn’t understand the why behind what you say or do explain it to them otherwise that can be what kills the relationship before it even has a chance to bloom. Nurture and water your garden.

Why Cry Over Spilled Milk

 No matter how you say the phrase, "don't cry over spilled milk" or "it's no use crying over spilled milk," the saying means that there is no point to get or remain upset over something that has already happened and cannot be changed. Sometimes it is easy for me to do this and somedays it is hard, I am sure it is for a lot of people. I more so than Steve have always been able to look beyond and move forward rather than dwelling on something out of my control. He was a dweller... and I am trying to teach Paxton by example not to be. Sometimes it isn't worth getting upset over stuff we cannot change, I mean it really isn't because we cannot do anything to rewind and start again and it doesn't change what happened either.  But somedays when a multitude of things happen beyond your control, you better have a good grasp on controlling your attitude and reaction before your overwhelming circumstances control you. 

That for me was yesterday. From the first crazy situation that happened involving my business, to loosing 1for sure but almost 3 deals that I put in Escrow in the last week, all first thing in the morning, all while trying to clean up a whole gallon of spilled milk that Paxton carried in from the garage fridge so we could feed the goats, then tripping and spilling it all over the garage entrance, my laundry room and hall, watching it seep into the concrete and under my washer and dryer which still has a thick layer of edgy thin-set that hasn't  been scraped off yet for my current tile job in my house!!!!! Seriously spilled milk. We all know how that scent can linger... for like EVER.. but it happened and I vowed right then this would not ruin the rest of my day no matter what else happened. 

And happen it did... even after moving a washer and dryer and trying to scrub concrete on my hands and knees- setting me back almost an hour from my schedule, from trying to save the two deals I still had from last week, rearranging schedules due to accommodating clients needs, talking buyers through their concerns and sellers through some pretty harsh feedback and what to do next to get the home sold, dropping prices to reflect the demand and conditions of the market in 2 of my listings area,  researching artificial turf remedies for pee smell so my clients could treat and freshen up for showings, picking up money orders from a client to deliver and then taking it back to them when they decided not to move forward, still arguing with a builder over the replacement tub they were trying to give my client instead of what was ordered, a quick trip to the orthodontist for Paxton due to a nagging poking wire in his mouth, calls and texts regarding issues with the vending machines in the school teacher's lounge that the PTA maintains (cause I still am the PTA president)  and finally at least a dozen phone calls regarding a frozen air conditioner at the building I recently bought downtown which was causing havoc for my tenant in the 90 degree weather! At one point I had 6 missed calls in red on my phone and a bunch of urgent please call me ASAP texts. I had to close my eyes, take a deep breath and say to myself, Dani you can't talk to 6 people at one time, Breath, relax and and do what you can, so just handle them in the order you deem important, and that is exactly what I did. No one died, no one got hurt, and nothing was ruined because I lacked an immediate response to all situations. 

I am sure I could list some other crazy stuff, but this was the bulk of it. I don't know if it was the  devil trying to ruin my mood because I vowed to stay calm despite my circumstances or God testing me to see if I would stay calm despite my circumstances and be a good example for Paxton. I don't know for sure but I was so mentally exhausted by 7:00 PM I was completely done for the day.  I had every intention of making a nice dinner with our newly butchered pig pork chops, but sometimes these things just need to let go and reserved for another day. Paxton threw frozen food in the oven for himself and I didn't even drink a glass of wine to relax, (yes, I am sure you are all shocked.)  I crawled in bed stopped answering my phone and watched a Hallmark Movie... I didn't even brush my teeth and for those of you who know me, I cannot stand the feeling of not brushing my teeth before bed. So I must have been so over my day! LOL. I went to bed at 9PM in hopes that the next day would prove more worthy of my happiness. 

Not every day is good, but you can find something good in every day! What good happened in my day? I was able to calm some nervous people, I was able to be a good example to Paxton by staying as calm as I could despite all my hiccups yesterday I had a good friend to vent to without being too dramatic I hope and I was able to relax at the end of my day, focus on clearing my mind, Giving it to God and going to sleep. Today is a new day, I woke up, the sun is shining and I will go forth and contribute what I can to this day, putting yesterday behind me and maintaining my mantra to live in my present.  Defeat is not an option  

My laundry room may still have a hint of spilled milk smell, which I am sure I will work more diligently on to remove today. But tackling it verses dwelling on it will make all the difference. 

Enjoying the journey, living in the present and letting life happen are sometimes difficult tasks, but so worth the results if you maintain your calm and know that the future will hold many good things to look forward to, even if you don't know quite what they are yet. 

Tears are reminders of beautiful moments

 

We survived Paxton's birthday in September.  I think because it was so close to Steve's death we didn't have a choice and I didn't want to make him feel like he missed out on having fun. We have already gotten past the ups and downs of Thanksgiving, Christmas and Steve's birthday in January. I feel like my birthday last week was harder than any of the "firsts" so far. Why I don't know! Steve never really made a big deal out of my birthday so leading up to my birthday and when it came I didn't realize how everyone else making a big deal of it would really give me anxiety and cause a roller coaster of emotions for a few weeks surrounding it, I had no idea. I guess because I have never really been one to have people make such a big deal out of me, I like to make a big deal out of everyone else, see them happy and succeeding and loved, that is what makes me happy.  My cousin came for a quick overnight visit with her boyfriend. We had a blast just running around, doing lunch, going to dinner, playing with baby goats and of course what night would be complete without a fire in my orchard and a great glass of wine.  Guys I have to take full advantage of the little bit chiller nights right now, those hot ones are about to smack us in the face. 

Saturday I was pampered by my friends in the most wonderful ways. I was surrounded by those who I care me and wanted to make sure I had a good time despite my circumstances, sadness or grief. They all did a great job of making me feel good for sure. But to be honest, I still cried before the end of the night. To be completely transparent I experienced nothing but great things this weekend and I was still sad and still felt alone! You wonder why I felt alone... yea, so do I. Maybe the moment I looked down at my phone and saw it was after midnight the date April 3 stood out like a sore thumb to realize at that exact moment it had been 7 months since Steve took his last breath, 8 since he was in our home and I just couldn't believe how time flies. In no way was I intentionally trying to feel isolated, I had no intention of falling apart... in a bar (don't worry I was rescued and sat outside on a bench until the Uber arrived) no one wants to see a grown woman in a bar with tears streaming down their face. It wasn't the hyperventilating kind of cry, just tears falling quietly and for no good reason, (well maybe the drinks + a roller coaster of emotions) I had a great past few days with nothing but love surrounding me. But I didn't have him, whether he did or didn't make a big deal out of me, he wasn't here and at that moment that made all the difference. 

For those of you who read my last blog, update, Paxton picked me out the most amazing pink roses he picked out by himself, a very unusual variety but so unique. His aunt Jackie and him planned weeks ahead to make sure I would get them, since obviously he doesn't drive. I know my florist asked me a few times if I would be home on my birthday and I wasn't sure so he had them sent the day before, so I wouldn't miss getting them. This in fact was planned well before the thoughts in my head hit the last post I made. This warms my heart. I have one of the most thoughtful kids even though sometimes he is a kid and drives me crazy! His aunt Tracy took him shopping as well and he picked out a beautiful new halter for Gus that matches his breast collar without even any hints from me. The ladies at Rail 3 Ranch have the most beautiful stitching and signature flowers that I could ever dream of.  Both of his Aunts helped him help me feel special and I truly appreciate that!  I will keep him. LOL! He is a true gem. Yesterday he went to help his grandpa build a small block wall around his Tortoise's house and came home with $20 in his pocket. He seemed irritated. I asked him why? He said because I told Grandma and Grandpa I didn't want their money. I was just there to help Grandpa. He is such a good soul. I told him sometimes they just want to thank you and do nice things to show their appreciation. You doing what you did without expecting anything in return made you feel good right? He said "of course mom, they are my grandparents I want to help." I said just as much as you felt good helping, they reward you because it makes them feel good, so just accept their token of gratitude and say thank you, no matter how much you don't think you need it or even want it. When someone gives you something in return just say thank you and know it makes them feel just as good to give as it did you to serve. Proverbs 3:27 says "Don't withhold good from someone who deserves it, when it is in your power to do so." 

 

Last week he had written into my date book on Wednesday,  Spend Time with Paxton your son across the day. Blocking out me being able to write much else without squeezing it in. This kid is home schooled right now so I spend almost 24/7 with him, but I knew what kind of attention he was seeking, my full attention, a "fun" day that didn't involve me working or being on my phone for half of it. Yes I work from home and my office is close, but things come up, people want what they want and look for immediate answers sometimes, we want instant gratification and that is what sometimes about my job is the downside, it is 24/7. Even when we try to put a cap on our availability or hours, things just need to be taken care of in the now a lot more than some other professions, and that is ok, I reap the rewards of the trade off which is far greater in my mind than the inconvenience sometimes. To a 12 year old who lives it but doesn't see the benefits are greater, it can definitely be a hinderance... remember I was a 14 year old girl whose mom worked ALL the time because she had to to survive. In my point of my career I am in a different place and have some luxuries my mom couldn't even fathom. I know how truly blessed I am, I thank God everyday for where I am at despite what I am missing and the huge tear in my heart. We spent the day hanging out, going to the movies, bowling and doing an early dinner. I kept my phone calls and texting to a minimum and it was a great day, we laughed and really enjoyed each other.

I am not looking forward to the next few firsts right after my birthday but they are coming with gusto, it will be a little tough, but I am tougher, I know I am. Sometimes it is easier said then done. April is Easter, the anniversary of our first date (24 years ago), then our Anniversary in May (18 years). Maybe subconsciously in the last few weeks my mind is preparing for these calendar dates as the year slips by, causing the roller coaster of my emotions that last blog I blamed on mother natures visit, but hasn't quite went away so I can no longer use that excuse. I was born to be prepared for the setbacks in my life and I have always come out more polished on the other side. I remember my best friend battling brain cancer at such a young age and how much love and appreciation she had for life despite her circumstances and knowing then I wanted that feeling too, I also remember growing up how bitter my paternal grandmother was from what she experienced in her life and although I remember some good times with her, I am not sure I ever really enjoyed being around her and I am almost certain she didn't fully enjoy her life either to the extend she could have or even deserved to. I vowed at a young age that no matter what life throws at me, I will not become her. I want to always be grateful for the things that I do have, learn to love where I am in the moment and not dwell so much on the past or be afraid of my future. 

Circle back to the attention for my birthday! I didn't expect it but I know that all the people who made a big deal out of me, all the calls, texts, FB messages, flowers, gifts, balloons, and friends that came to celebrate me did so from their heart and with my best interest in mind to make my day that much less difficult and wanted to make me feel loved, surrounded by fun, happy and smiling. They say the best curve on a woman's body is her smile, and I truly believe that. My night may have ended in tears and maybe they were a mix of sad and grateful for all the love surrounding me. So I will embrace their existence as another slight step in my healing process of learning that I can't quite control everything, (you think I would know this by now, I do, but I have to constantly remind myself) I must seize the moments of happiness, create a mindset that puts more emphasis on my blessings, celebrates these milestone firsts with love in my heart and beautiful memories and creates the new me, the one who has to learn to be me, without Steve, from my circumstances going forward. In everything I have been taught planning a year from now, 5 years from now and 10 years from now seemed like a good goal to have. Living in the moment the things I planned for are now obsolete without Steve. So therefore not sure why planning has such an emphasis put on it. It is great to have goals and smash them using a timeline, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. 

Enjoy your now. Don't put off that goal, that vacation, that time, that phone call, telling  that person you love them or waiting until you make more money, lose the weight, have a better job, it may be too late.  Take the risk, love the person, enjoy each moment. What is that Tim McGraw song... Live like you are dying, because I hate to break it to you but we are. And we have no clue when our time will be up.  Everything that I have experienced in life thus far has made me who I am and that will be no different going forward when I look back 5 years from now the person I am suppose to be will be because of my circumstances and my healing process, which is unique to me. I look forward to meeting her and I hope that she is better then the person I am today... and somehow I think she will be.