Finding Peace

Everyone comments how well I am handling my mom's death. That I am strong, focused and stable. Well, sometimes I feel out of control, reckless and abandoned. Sometimes I feel helpless, weak and mad. Sometimes I just want her to come back and tell me I am doing ok, I am doing it right, or even "girl, you messed up... what were you thinking?" LOL! Anything to hear her voice, see her smile, hug her so my world will be right again. But is my world wrong? This is true selfishness, I am certain. Why? Because as a human still here on earth I often forget that her ultimate healing came when she went to Heaven... it is not in my control when her time for this gift from God was meant to be. Grief is such a true process. At 14 when I lost my dad, it was a whole different type of grief is either one harder or less sad... probably not, just different. I don't know if you could ever experience the same thing as someone else, not even the same as myself for a previous encounter with one's death. It is all about who you are, where you are and how you react to the situations you have. I have two friends right now who are experiencing the ugliness of CANCER with their husbands. I can't begin to imagine what this is like. I can only compare it to the experience I remember when my mom lost my dad at the young age of 45. Robbed of that quality time that they so deserved, met late in life and the years spent just not enough. We pray for healing right? How many times have we read bible stories of people being healed or brought back to life? Why isn't this our loved one, why can they not be the "miracle" spoken of? It is not for us to decide. It is not for us to try and figure out. It is only for us to know that we still being here on earth have a purpose. We are meant to be strong, to keep going and to serve our purpose and use the gifts God has given us to touch the lives of others. It is so easy to be selfish, to crawl in that "hole" and just fall apart. I sent an article to a friend for encouragement and she responded that I was amazing... am I really? This is how I get through my grief, sure I can get upset, mad, angry, frustrated and depressed, I can cry, throw temper tantrums and feel despair, but ultimately, what gets me through each day is that I am here on earth to serve others. I truly believe that those who help others help themselves. How do I find that inner peace? How do I keep going every day even when I am knocked down... people ask me and I often ask myself. Last week after working long hours and many days for some clients, I had the unfortunate encounter that although we had found a house that worked for them, the amount of repairs needed to the amount the seller was willing to do didn't leave them with any desire to make the purchase happen. After showing homes to them again, they met me in person and confided in me that they had found a FSBO- for sale by owner- that would not work with a Realtor. They were devastated. They understood how much time and energy that I put into helping them find that right home... I was disappointed that I wasn't able to find what they had been looking for. They were unsure of my reaction. They didn't know what I would do, say or how I would feel. The genuine concern for my well being and reaction lead me to tears. (not necessarily professional, but genuine, nonetheless.) I was so appreciative of the fact that they recognized what I invested in them. I offered to help them with the FSBO even though I knew I would not be compensated. Why? Because my purpose in life is not to make a bunch of money to spend on things that I cannot take with me to Heaven where my Ultimate Reward will be waiting, my purpose is to journey through this life to prepare for that reward. Long story short the FSBO did not work out in their favor and I regained them once again as clients. What would have happened if I stormed off, if I bad mouthed them, if I got upset, if I chose to cut off all communication and be unhelpful, ungrateful or angry? I need to always be thinking of how my actions or reactions can benefit my future. I think I would have life referrals from them no matter whether they bought from me, or purchased the FSBO... because I chose to handle the situation the way that I did- I chose to celebrate their happiness and put my needs/wants aside. I wam agreeing that I cannot control what home is right for them and I have no reason to stand in the way of another person's happiness. I don't believe in burning bridges. I was asked by several people if I was upset, if I had them sign a buyer broker employment agreement that if they found a house without me they would owe me a commission anyway. I will tell you in 14 years, I have never once used this form. I understand I am not a charity organization and my time is valuable, but I was brought to that situation for a reason. I know that if I do my job to truly help someone and I don't force anyone to do anything against their will, even if I work really hard for them and invest my own time and money into them.... it will come back to me in someway and somehow. I love the career I have chosen, I love that my mom taught me a lot of what I know and how to treat people. I love that I am somehow, someway rewarded for my selflessness. Live by what you believe so fully that your life blossoms, or else purge the fear-and-guilt producing beliefs from your life... Live your belief, or let that belief go. - Roger John John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (NIV)