Last week I walked past the mini planters that Paxton had transplanted
some of Steve’s grass from our front yard when we switched it out. Thinking to myself how they stuck out like a
sore thumb with dead grass and dirt inside, the drip stopped working quite a
while ago and he had no desire or interest in fixing them. I guarantee it isn’t
anywhere near a priority or catastrophe now as it was then.
Rewind to Nov 8, 2021 I wrote the blog when you just have
to decide…no looking back. This blog talked about replacing Steve’s sacred
tiff grass in my front yard with artificial turf and how hard of a decision it
was, how much Paxton fought it at first but how much of a relief it would be
not to have to diligently care for it as he did was my reasoning. Not only did
we acquire a lot of projects that were his hobbies and not mine, as well as
maintenance of such a large property with many things to take care of we became
a one income household and needed to focus on our priorities, maintaining an intricate
lawn was not one of them, in my opinion. Remember I said I am not a green
thumb. In fact, last year I lost 5 of his peach trees no matter what I tried to
do to save them. I cried a little, it was a part of him he left that died and I
will never get back. Plus, I loved the peaches and making jam. Peach trees huh,
that pulled my heart strings? It isn’t about the peach trees it is about the
hard work, care, dedication and maintenance he put into them, that I killed.
I may have taken the inside of my house and made it my own since he passed, but every time I walk outside, he is everywhere. But just like Paxton had a hard time removing the grass, when the time comes and I move, I will better understand his reluctance to replace the tiff with turf and understand Paxton’s feelings on a much larger scale. With this said I sadly looked at those mini planters, the ones our friend suggested to him to “save” some of his dad’s yard as I said were dry as a bone, no green in sight and had been that way for a while. Now they looked tacky to me, this is why I constantly replace dead flowers with new ones. I am not a fan of dead stuff, nor do I like the constant reminder of it.
November 2021 it consumed Paxton's world. Top of mind, devastated,
how could anything else possibly be as important and what you are going through
at the time. Now he didn’t give those planters a second thought. This made me
reflect on how many things change over the course of our lives. Not only what
happens to us, how we handle it, but also how it changes us and our priorities change.
In that moment and in that time, it was
one of the single most important factors we are facing but days/months/years
down the road it no longer matters. We soften, we evolve, we prioritize differently,
we grow, and we most definitely change. Some people fight change, I say embrace
it. This doesn’t mean you are a failure, it doesn’t mean you couldn’t “cut it”,
it doesn’t mean that you wasted time. Everything that happens in our lives adds
to our story, helps us grow, teaches us a lesson or makes us change based off
our experiences. This doesn’t necessarily have to have a negative connotation unless
you allow it to. Choose to allow it to make you better.
We try new things, sometimes they work out for us, sometimes
they don’t. And you know what that is ok! I have recently decided to sell my mobile bar,
The Tipsy Roan. I just bought it back in February 2023, which doesn’t seem all
that long ago. It was right for me at the time, in the moment and what I needed
as a distraction during that time period. I have since met a wonderful man with
a 6-year-old and doing things as a “family” on the weekends or going on date
nights in the middle of the week, taking trips and vacations seem top priority
over making some extra cash, giving up my nights or weekends bartending travel
events. It is time to let someone take over the reigns and carry on the business
with zest!
I walked into Paxton’s room a few days ago and said, “hey
bud, looking at dad’s grass in the planters out there, it hasn’t been alive for
a while, I don’t think that it is going to come back, mind if I remove them
from the front yard, or did you want to do something with them.” His response, “No
mom, I don’t want them.” Things in our life come and go, hobbies and interests
change, people stay for a lifetime, season, or reason as well. Enjoy what you have
and what you do while it is there, but just like Steve’s grass, be at peace
when you let it go.
Letting go is hard, but being free is beautiful. - Wilder Poetry