Saturday, June 29, 2024

Peace in letting go, November 2021 to now.

 


Last week I walked past the mini planters that Paxton had transplanted some of Steve’s grass from our front yard when we switched it out.  Thinking to myself how they stuck out like a sore thumb with dead grass and dirt inside, the drip stopped working quite a while ago and he had no desire or interest in fixing them. I guarantee it isn’t anywhere near a priority or catastrophe now as it was then.

Rewind to Nov 8, 2021 I wrote the blog when you just have to decide…no looking back. This blog talked about replacing Steve’s sacred tiff grass in my front yard with artificial turf and how hard of a decision it was, how much Paxton fought it at first but how much of a relief it would be not to have to diligently care for it as he did was my reasoning. Not only did we acquire a lot of projects that were his hobbies and not mine, as well as maintenance of such a large property with many things to take care of we became a one income household and needed to focus on our priorities, maintaining an intricate lawn was not one of them, in my opinion. Remember I said I am not a green thumb. In fact, last year I lost 5 of his peach trees no matter what I tried to do to save them. I cried a little, it was a part of him he left that died and I will never get back. Plus, I loved the peaches and making jam. Peach trees huh, that pulled my heart strings? It isn’t about the peach trees it is about the hard work, care, dedication and maintenance he put into them, that I killed.

I may have taken the inside of my house and made it my own since he passed, but every time I walk outside, he is everywhere. But just like Paxton had a hard time removing the grass, when the time comes and I move, I will better understand his reluctance to replace the tiff with turf and understand Paxton’s feelings on a much larger scale.  With this said I sadly looked at those mini planters, the ones our friend suggested to him to “save” some of his dad’s yard as I said were dry as a bone, no green in sight and had been that way for a while. Now they looked tacky to me, this is why I constantly replace dead flowers with new ones. I am not a fan of dead stuff, nor do I like the constant reminder of it. 

November 2021 it consumed Paxton's world. Top of mind, devastated, how could anything else possibly be as important and what you are going through at the time. Now he didn’t give those planters a second thought. This made me reflect on how many things change over the course of our lives. Not only what happens to us, how we handle it, but also how it changes us and our priorities change.  In that moment and in that time, it was one of the single most important factors we are facing but days/months/years down the road it no longer matters. We soften, we evolve, we prioritize differently, we grow, and we most definitely change. Some people fight change, I say embrace it. This doesn’t mean you are a failure, it doesn’t mean you couldn’t “cut it”, it doesn’t mean that you wasted time. Everything that happens in our lives adds to our story, helps us grow, teaches us a lesson or makes us change based off our experiences. This doesn’t necessarily have to have a negative connotation unless you allow it to. Choose to allow it to make you better.

We try new things, sometimes they work out for us, sometimes they don’t. And you know what that is ok!  I have recently decided to sell my mobile bar, The Tipsy Roan. I just bought it back in February 2023, which doesn’t seem all that long ago. It was right for me at the time, in the moment and what I needed as a distraction during that time period. I have since met a wonderful man with a 6-year-old and doing things as a “family” on the weekends or going on date nights in the middle of the week, taking trips and vacations seem top priority over making some extra cash, giving up my nights or weekends bartending travel events. It is time to let someone take over the reigns and carry on the business with zest!

I walked into Paxton’s room a few days ago and said, “hey bud, looking at dad’s grass in the planters out there, it hasn’t been alive for a while, I don’t think that it is going to come back, mind if I remove them from the front yard, or did you want to do something with them.” His response, “No mom, I don’t want them.” Things in our life come and go, hobbies and interests change, people stay for a lifetime, season, or reason as well. Enjoy what you have and what you do while it is there, but just like Steve’s grass, be at peace when you let it go.

Letting go is hard, but being free is beautiful. - Wilder Poetry

Friday, June 21, 2024

Rain in the Rearview

 


I posted this meme on my story yesterday and I truly believe it with my whole heart. I might add that making me laugh has its benefits too! Being at peace, feeling calm, and allowing myself to love again is very healing, rewarding and part of my story. I was with the same man for a long time, not only did we experience a lot of firsts together but also learned a lot about growing, compromising, and living life. We got used to each other.  We knew the ins and outs.  Our reactions, our triggers. Neither one of us was perfect. There's probably a lot that I put up with that I shouldn't have. And a lot about me that he accepted that other men may not. 

We made it work for 23 years, we shared a son together, experienced deaths, tragedies, financial struggles, buying properties, selling properties, losing properties, losing jobs, changing jobs, good times, struggles, etc. I think we both changed a lot, experienced a lot, and grew a lot from meeting as babies at 19 and 22 years old. Our communication wasn't always perfect, but we showed it in other ways and I felt the love he had for me. 

When God closed that chapter in my life, from that day forward, I would never be that person again. 

I remember when my dad died, and I encouraged my mom to find someone new to help fill a void that she had in her life. She had a lot of love to give, but she compared everyone to my dad. She wanted the life that they had built, she wasn't ready for it to be over yet. She longed for what she couldn't have.  She worked so hard to build a relationship with him that would last a lifetime that she wasn't able to forsee her life moving forward in a direction that deviated from that and I know if was difficult for her to move on. 

One thing I learned from her unhappiness, sadness, and pain is that I didn't want to make that a priority in my life when Steve died. I want to focus on the good, the blessings, and the possibilities- not the loss, the sadness, the emptiness that she had.

Happiness is key and we create it. No one can make us happy unless we choose to be happy. 

When one door closes another one usually finds its way open again if you are open to the possibilities. Sometimes God knows that we are not to enjoy life alone. I have too much love to give to do that.

I know that none of us know what our future holds, or how much time we have left to experience it,  but for now I'm enjoying Mark (who I firmly believe God and Steve had a hand in placing in my life) who accepts me for who I am with all my flaws, (yes, I have them, lol)  idiosyncrasies, fears, anxieties and weaknesses, but also my strengths, my huge heart, my mellow demands, my dreams, my hopes, and everything in between. He gives me the motivation to be a better person, to allow me to have peace and harmony in my life but above all accepts me for me, in my most genuine form. To be completely honest, I am not sure I have ever been my genuine form in the past.

Not everybody has a chance to experience true love more than once in a lifetime... but for those who do I will tell you, you must be open to something different, don’t compare, don’t settle, don’t just accept content, BE HAPPY!

 I am no longer who I was before Steve died, but he was a huge contributing factor in who I currently am and therefore I need someone who fits the need/desires of who I am now. But also giving Mark amazing credit for understanding that Steve will always be a part of my life and my memories and he will be honored for the rest of my life no matter how different of a person I am everything that's happened to me, every person I've encountered, every experience I've had has made me who I am today.  And for that I will always feel blessed. Steve fulfilled what I needed up until his death and I am now blessed to be with someone who checks every box of what I need going forward, with similarities and difference balancing out. I hope that everyone reading this is equally blessed whether having the opportunity to have a significant other, partner etc. for 50+ years, short term, long term, or whatever timeframe is your story. May you enjoy your journey every minute of it. The good, the bad, the growing and learning portion, the exciting times, the hard times, and all the experiences combined that make you, you, contribute to your story, and fulfill every need, desire and want that you might have.

 

From Rain in the Rearview by Anne Wilson

 

Tell me, how much hurt can a heart take?

Tell me, how much wind ‘til the walls cave?

You can just stay right there in the pain

Or listen to the voice that you hear when you pray

Tell me, how much hurt can a heart take before it breaks?

 

When the storm rolls in and the sky won’t quit crying

And you’ve lost more tears than you thought you could ever lose

Oh, I swear somewhere out there, the sun is somewhere shining

So drive, baby, drive, baby, drive ‘til it shines on you

And leave the rain in the rearview

 

I got ten and two on a two-tone, two lanes of freedom

Singing, “Jesus take the wheel”

Now I know what she was feeling

Oh, ‘cause I feel it too.