Peace in letting go, November 2021 to now.

 

Last week I walked past the mini planters that Paxton had transplanted some of Steve’s grass from our front yard when we switched it out.  Thinking to myself how they stuck out like a sore thumb with dead grass and dirt inside, the drip stopped working quite a while ago and he had no desire or interest in fixing them. I guarantee it isn’t anywhere near a priority or catastrophe now as it was then.

Rewind to Nov 8, 2021 I wrote the blog when you just have to decide…no looking back. This blog talked about replacing Steve’s sacred tiff grass in my front yard with artificial turf and how hard of a decision it was, how much Paxton fought it at first but how much of a relief it would be not to have to diligently care for it as he did was my reasoning. Not only did we acquire a lot of projects that were his hobbies and not mine, as well as maintenance of such a large property with many things to take care of we became a one income household and needed to focus on our priorities, maintaining an intricate lawn was not one of them, in my opinion. Remember I said I am not a green thumb. In fact, last year I lost 5 of his peach trees no matter what I tried to do to save them. I cried a little, it was a part of him he left that died and I will never get back. Plus, I loved the peaches and making jam. Peach trees huh, that pulled my heart strings? It isn’t about the peach trees it is about the hard work, care, dedication and maintenance he put into them, that I killed.

I may have taken the inside of my house and made it my own since he passed, but every time I walk outside, he is everywhere. But just like Paxton had a hard time removing the grass, when the time comes and I move, I will better understand his reluctance to replace the tiff with turf and understand Paxton’s feelings on a much larger scale.  With this said I sadly looked at those mini planters, the ones our friend suggested to him to “save” some of his dad’s yard as I said were dry as a bone, no green in sight and had been that way for a while. Now they looked tacky to me, this is why I constantly replace dead flowers with new ones. I am not a fan of dead stuff, nor do I like the constant reminder of it. 

November 2021 it consumed Paxton's world. Top of mind, devastated, how could anything else possibly be as important and what you are going through at the time. Now he didn’t give those planters a second thought. This made me reflect on how many things change over the course of our lives. Not only what happens to us, how we handle it, but also how it changes us and our priorities change.  In that moment and in that time, it was one of the single most important factors we are facing but days/months/years down the road it no longer matters. We soften, we evolve, we prioritize differently, we grow, and we most definitely change. Some people fight change, I say embrace it. This doesn’t mean you are a failure, it doesn’t mean you couldn’t “cut it”, it doesn’t mean that you wasted time. Everything that happens in our lives adds to our story, helps us grow, teaches us a lesson or makes us change based off our experiences. This doesn’t necessarily have to have a negative connotation unless you allow it to. Choose to allow it to make you better.

We try new things, sometimes they work out for us, sometimes they don’t. And you know what that is ok!  I have recently decided to sell my mobile bar, The Tipsy Roan. I just bought it back in February 2023, which doesn’t seem all that long ago. It was right for me at the time, in the moment and what I needed as a distraction during that time period. I have since met a wonderful man with a 6-year-old and doing things as a “family” on the weekends or going on date nights in the middle of the week, taking trips and vacations seem top priority over making some extra cash, giving up my nights or weekends bartending travel events. It is time to let someone take over the reigns and carry on the business with zest!

I walked into Paxton’s room a few days ago and said, “hey bud, looking at dad’s grass in the planters out there, it hasn’t been alive for a while, I don’t think that it is going to come back, mind if I remove them from the front yard, or did you want to do something with them.” His response, “No mom, I don’t want them.” Things in our life come and go, hobbies and interests change, people stay for a lifetime, season, or reason as well. Enjoy what you have and what you do while it is there, but just like Steve’s grass, be at peace when you let it go.

Letting go is hard, but being free is beautiful. - Wilder Poetry