Sometimes it is not "THE DAY"

 

July 27 the day he got sick - September 11 when his friends and family gathered to celebrate his 45 years here on Earth has been one of the most roller coaster rides at that time and a huge reminder of what we experienced for the last 3 years since Steve passed. Whirlwind doesn’t begin to explain it. From 2021 when we were actively going through it, to all the memories, firsts, lasts and things that resurface the last 3 years since. It is not uncommon to still cry when things trigger me sometimes it comes when I least expect it sometimes at night, I still cry myself to sleep, it is less frequent, but still a possibility nonetheless. If you’ve been following me this whole time, thank you! Some of you will remember the time that I sat in the Tractor Supply parking lot and broke down while attempting to buy cat litter that I was out of. I sent in Paxton and Aidan, and lost my composure in the parking lot, tears streaming down my face, why? Just happened. I should go back and read that blog, not sure I even remember what triggered it.

A friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago when I told her I was struggling, “I love you, lean into that grief. Sometimes it is not “THE DAY” that brings you sad memories…. Sometimes it’s the days leading up to it. Our brains do weird stuff when processing grief. It chooses emotion attached to different day or things.” This is SOOOO true! I remember August 7^th 2021 vividly. After 3 ER visits they finally admitted him to the hospital and that was the last time that I saw him alive and communicative in person. I remember kissing his forehead in that hospital room, being told by the staff, I could stay as long as I wanted but once I left, I couldn’t come back. This year on August 7^th, I was in a good mood, I had a great day, there was a sense of peace and less of sadness! But a few days leading up to that day I could feel a tension and moodiness about me, like everything agitated me.

It is the little things that can trigger these episodes or the last memories you had on days you least expect it that can wear on your mind and body. Questions swirling around in my brain can spike emotions that I don’t necessarily want to encounter at a given moment but am then forced to deal with or work through. When was the last time we went to a movie? Talked about our future? Went to the cabin for the weekend? Went to dinner? What restaurant was it?  Had a date night? Relaxed in the pool? When was the last baseball game he saw his son play in person not on facetime against a fence with my phone? What was our last conversation that didn’t have to do with his illness? What is the last meal we had together? When was the last time we had sex? And no matter how hard it is to think about all of these things they are valid thoughts, and in all honesty some of them I can’t remember the when or where! That is not to say they weren’t important or didn’t have meaning, I just wasn’t planning on marking them as lasts so why keep track!?

As humans we tend to go about our lives enjoying and living in the moment even though a lot of us dwell in the past or worry about the future never certain of when the end will come and not jotting down those memories etching them in our memory because we had no idea that it would be our “last”, until it becomes the last and we want to grasp at that memory in time.

Paxton has been struggling the last few weeks and it breaks my Mama heart that I cannot take away his pain, confusion, and sadness. He had some stomach issues we had to work through, missed some school, went to the Dr and the ER, tension built between us, moodiness, lack of motivation, distant and sometimes a little on the mean side. A little jealous of where my time goes, but at the same time not necessarily wanting to spend his time with me but wanting me to be available, if that makes sense.  I know that it is something that only he alone can experience and process, I have my own issues, but damned if I don’t try to understand his point of view or get inside his head, because God knows I want to fix it! And his ability to communicate his actual thoughts and struggles at his age I think is not fully developed.  I however have to stand back, be supportive, be aware of his feelings, give him his moments while also balancing being his mom, keeping him respectful and showing him that our reactions speak louder than our circumstances and while we can give ourselves and each other some GRACE, the world and our responsibilities do not stop while we go through our emotions. We were able to share some memories together, spend some quality time, just the two of us, having fun and being silly and I know that no matter where we are at in life, we can count on each other. He may be a bratty almost 15 year old teenager some of the time, going through his own set of struggles outside his grief, but I am really proud of the boy that he is now despite anything he has been through and I know that I can look forward to the man that he will become.

I may not have all the right answers, I may not make the same decisions that we would have if Steve was still here, I may not always stay calm and collected, but I will always have his best interest in mind. Steve and I were his parents at the time he needed us from birth to age 11+, the people in our lives then helped shape him to that age. After Steve died, I became someone new, someone who had to learn to be me without him. I will never be that person I was again because he is no longer here and that is okay, I believe I am supposed to be right here where I am today. In a way it is sad, but in a way so invigorating that I am able to be the right person now along with all those people that come into our life going forward that will help contribute to the man Paxton becomes, and this I trust is part of God’s divine timing. You can tap into God’s divine timing for you. Pay attention to what opportunities come your way and take advantage of the things that will push you forward to be the best version of you that you can be at the moment. Don’t overthink it, feel it. Nothing in life is random, it all works together for you if you acknowledge it and accept it. Sometimes you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you are responding to what's happening. That's where the power is. 

I Am Moving Forever Forward

 

If you ever wonder or second guess being in love with your life and if it is okay, the answer is YES! 100% Yes! That doesn’t mean that you haven’t had bad things happen, it doesn’t mean you forget your past, it doesn’t mean you still can’t have anxieties about the future, and it doesn’t mean you are not currently experiencing struggles. You can be going through some tough things, but you can still be happy. It just means you are living your life in the moment and enjoying it! You should you deserve it. Tell yourself you do, feel it!  People around you may be experiencing crappy things, awful situations, struggling, being negative. You may feel bad for someone else who is having a hard time or struggling with something in their life, and not wanting to express your happiness! STOP!  You don’t have to hide your happiness to match their situation, you don’t have to flaunt it, but you shouldn’t avoid sharing it or spreading your positivity! It is contagious you know!

A colleague of mine said that every condition or situation has a physical, mental and emotional cause. To ignore any of these is a recipe for staying stuck at your current level of well-being and impact. I am not sure that I am prepared to do that, nor have I ever been. It is perfectly okay to get knocked down, just don’t stay there.  If it isn’t working do something else, if you are currently in a situation that brings you down, focus your energy on something else, put away your fears, expectations and over-thinking when they are not improving your situation. Try to concentrate on having fun with your life.

Start small. Keep a journal. It doesn't have to be fancy, a notebook will do. But there is something pretty and satisfying to me when I buy a brand new pretty one! LOL. I keep track of only the things I am grateful for in it. I write prayers from a future place of gratitude. I remember when Paxton was younger, he asked me why I pray prayers for things as if they already have happened and they haven’t. First off, my Mama did and second off if you believe in manifestation at all believing that you already have it changes your mindset and thought patterns which can lead to you more likely getting whatever it is!

 Do I write about the bad, sometimes I do, but I take time out of my day to only focus on all the good going on around me. Paxton and I practice daily saying what we are grateful for. As your typical teen he sometimes says some things that make me think “with all the good in a day, that is what you are thankful for?” But I don’t judge as this is his opinion or how he feels and feelings are neither right nor wrong, they are real. And sometimes he surprises me and is thankful for things I would never have thought he would admit! Expressing gratitude allows you to be in a frame of mind that focuses on the positive energy of your day rather than elevating the negative. This can help you live life at a whole new level.

I have a deal right now that I am not making very much money on, and I learned yesterday of an issue with the property that may make this transaction a lot more work than it is worth. If I dwell on the negativity wrapped around the transaction, I lose sight of all the good.  I am grateful that I am making money from it at all, someone chose to refer it to me as they felt I was more of an expert at land sales than they were and trusted me to take care of their client. That is huge!  I also choose to look it as a learning experience where I can be challenged to find a solution for my client as well as the buyer buying the property. This gives me even further knowledge and expertise in my field and redefines my approach that may be helpful in another situation down the road. I could complain that the amount of money I am making isn’t enough for the challenge or I could redirect my energy to focus on how to fix it. It is worth it to me to choose the latter.

Stop trying to be perfect to find happiness. Be happy now, not 10 or 50lbs from now, not after the next sale, a new job or a promotion you are working toward, not after you find your right partner or you buy your dream home or car, not after all your debt is paid or you accomplish the next goal. Be happy now, celebrate then! Enjoy your journey along the way to those goals! Don't hurry! Not all goals need to be rushed. Rushing creates stress, stress creates conflict and poor decisions and sometimes sloppy work! Your experience getting there will be so much more worth the struggle if you take your time and make it count. 

Trust that God has a plan for your life, if you aren’t getting what you want His might not be the same as yours or it may just not be the right time. Maybe the struggles you face today will be worth the promises of your future and maybe your attitude and gratitude could change your perspective and change the outcome. I choose to take my chances on the maybe. I believe that nothing that happens to me is random. Focus on what could go right instead of what could go wrong.

Do your best without it being tied to your outcome, focus on what matters most. If you are not sure what that is, figure it out. Concentrate on the why, you will probably get there faster. Focusing on a goal without a purpose is like putting a hamster on a wheel and expecting it to get to the other side of the room. Maybe it isn’t the end result that you are ultimately looking for, maybe it is everything that makes up the journey getting there that is more important. Make the journey count. Happiness should not be tied to an outcome; happiness is a choice you choose despite it. Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. 

I watched a movie the other day and this song came on I had never heard before called Forever Forward by Granger Smith. It had so much truth to it for me. Look it up to hear the whole thing. 

Here is an excerpt. 

Our stories are like tattoos

Like a scar on our heart it's still a part of you

For so long I was ashamed of mine 

but I don't have to move on 

Like silver or gold heated by a fire

Yeah, I'm better with time...

Don't listen to regret

My story is not finished and I am not done yet

I gotta keep moving forever forward. 

 The journey down life's road

So many curves and swerves and broken potholds

But there is beauty in taking the long way

Yeah, I have seen it enough to say