Sometimes it is not "THE DAY"

 

July 27 the day he got sick - September 11 when his friends and family gathered to celebrate his 45 years here on Earth has been one of the most roller coaster rides at that time and a huge reminder of what we experienced for the last 3 years since Steve passed. Whirlwind doesn’t begin to explain it. From 2021 when we were actively going through it, to all the memories, firsts, lasts and things that resurface the last 3 years since. It is not uncommon to still cry when things trigger me sometimes it comes when I least expect it sometimes at night, I still cry myself to sleep, it is less frequent, but still a possibility nonetheless. If you’ve been following me this whole time, thank you! Some of you will remember the time that I sat in the Tractor Supply parking lot and broke down while attempting to buy cat litter that I was out of. I sent in Paxton and Aidan, and lost my composure in the parking lot, tears streaming down my face, why? Just happened. I should go back and read that blog, not sure I even remember what triggered it.

A friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago when I told her I was struggling, “I love you, lean into that grief. Sometimes it is not “THE DAY” that brings you sad memories…. Sometimes it’s the days leading up to it. Our brains do weird stuff when processing grief. It chooses emotion attached to different day or things.” This is SOOOO true! I remember August 7^th 2021 vividly. After 3 ER visits they finally admitted him to the hospital and that was the last time that I saw him alive and communicative in person. I remember kissing his forehead in that hospital room, being told by the staff, I could stay as long as I wanted but once I left, I couldn’t come back. This year on August 7^th, I was in a good mood, I had a great day, there was a sense of peace and less of sadness! But a few days leading up to that day I could feel a tension and moodiness about me, like everything agitated me.

It is the little things that can trigger these episodes or the last memories you had on days you least expect it that can wear on your mind and body. Questions swirling around in my brain can spike emotions that I don’t necessarily want to encounter at a given moment but am then forced to deal with or work through. When was the last time we went to a movie? Talked about our future? Went to the cabin for the weekend? Went to dinner? What restaurant was it?  Had a date night? Relaxed in the pool? When was the last baseball game he saw his son play in person not on facetime against a fence with my phone? What was our last conversation that didn’t have to do with his illness? What is the last meal we had together? When was the last time we had sex? And no matter how hard it is to think about all of these things they are valid thoughts, and in all honesty some of them I can’t remember the when or where! That is not to say they weren’t important or didn’t have meaning, I just wasn’t planning on marking them as lasts so why keep track!?

As humans we tend to go about our lives enjoying and living in the moment even though a lot of us dwell in the past or worry about the future never certain of when the end will come and not jotting down those memories etching them in our memory because we had no idea that it would be our “last”, until it becomes the last and we want to grasp at that memory in time.

Paxton has been struggling the last few weeks and it breaks my Mama heart that I cannot take away his pain, confusion, and sadness. He had some stomach issues we had to work through, missed some school, went to the Dr and the ER, tension built between us, moodiness, lack of motivation, distant and sometimes a little on the mean side. A little jealous of where my time goes, but at the same time not necessarily wanting to spend his time with me but wanting me to be available, if that makes sense.  I know that it is something that only he alone can experience and process, I have my own issues, but damned if I don’t try to understand his point of view or get inside his head, because God knows I want to fix it! And his ability to communicate his actual thoughts and struggles at his age I think is not fully developed.  I however have to stand back, be supportive, be aware of his feelings, give him his moments while also balancing being his mom, keeping him respectful and showing him that our reactions speak louder than our circumstances and while we can give ourselves and each other some GRACE, the world and our responsibilities do not stop while we go through our emotions. We were able to share some memories together, spend some quality time, just the two of us, having fun and being silly and I know that no matter where we are at in life, we can count on each other. He may be a bratty almost 15 year old teenager some of the time, going through his own set of struggles outside his grief, but I am really proud of the boy that he is now despite anything he has been through and I know that I can look forward to the man that he will become.

I may not have all the right answers, I may not make the same decisions that we would have if Steve was still here, I may not always stay calm and collected, but I will always have his best interest in mind. Steve and I were his parents at the time he needed us from birth to age 11+, the people in our lives then helped shape him to that age. After Steve died, I became someone new, someone who had to learn to be me without him. I will never be that person I was again because he is no longer here and that is okay, I believe I am supposed to be right here where I am today. In a way it is sad, but in a way so invigorating that I am able to be the right person now along with all those people that come into our life going forward that will help contribute to the man Paxton becomes, and this I trust is part of God’s divine timing. You can tap into God’s divine timing for you. Pay attention to what opportunities come your way and take advantage of the things that will push you forward to be the best version of you that you can be at the moment. Don’t overthink it, feel it. Nothing in life is random, it all works together for you if you acknowledge it and accept it. Sometimes you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you are responding to what's happening. That's where the power is.