Just Start

 

27 years ago in March 1998 Steve walked into the tanning salon where I worked after his workout. He was in great shape when I met him and the best shape of his life when we got married. He actually had a 6 pack, but I teased him he was too skinny. I tend to be attracted to guys with a little more fluff than not. Although looking back I used to love to run my hands over his stomach and arms and feel the definition of his muscles. If I could go back to that time, one more time just to experience how it felt I would in a heartbeat. TMI maybe but it is all part of my story. 

I was never really a fan of working out. Don't get me wrong I loved the way it made me feel afterwards but have always had a hard time getting to it to start with. I was on a swim team and played tennis in high school but was never really a weight lifter per se until I met him. I remember joining the gym after we met and learning all the different machines, free weights, how to complete sets and just how much weight my body could handle as well as being introduced to protein shakes and supplements. I have never been satisfied with these as I really enjoying chewing my food not drinking it. We worked out for years together at the gym. When we got married I was probably in the best shape of my life as well, although I wished now I was as fat as I thought I was then. It is all about perspective. It definitely was not a maintainable weight for me and all I ate was chicken, fish, dry tuna, salad with lemon and vinegar, and green beans mostly. I love healthy food, but how boring and I love to cook with butter and flavorful things, so that didn't last long. Marriage, work, responsibilities and a baby. Not to mention I struggled with my weight my whole life going up and down since as far back as I can remember which was about 5th grade. 

When Steve died I was probably at my highest weight ever, like within a pound of being pregnant. I was comfortably uncomfortable if that makes sense. I was content in life, married to a man who wasn't going anywhere, busy with work, life, a pressing travel baseball schedule, being a mom, raising farm animals, all the stuff. I wasn't happy with myself really, but I didn't have time for all the extra effort.  When Steve died, I really anticipated gaining even more because I have always been an emotional eater. I remember my homecoming dance my freshman year in high school, I wore this red dress, it was my favorite out of all the dances I went to. I loved how I looked, it was probably next to my wedding day the happiest I have ever been with my weight. My dad died my first week of my freshman year of high school and I crept up in weight to my highest weight at the time I graduated high school. I struggled with bulimia for a few years in between gaining it all back when graduating, my mom and best friend helped me through that but to this day I'll be honest and hate to admit it, if I binge way to much my gag reflux works, it took me years to admit it to anyone else that I ever did that, I don't even think I ever told Steve. 

After high school I moved to the Arizona sunshine and decided to start roller blading to ASU classes from my condo a few miles away. It was just me so I didn't eat much and I dropped 25 lbs in the first few months of college. Once again feeling great about myself. When I got Covid 4 years ago and everything tasted disgusting it ended up being easy for me to shed the pounds again because once Steve died I pretty much just drank my sorrow with wine. Yep, the girl who likes to chew her food instead of drink it changed up her style in the moment. But definitely not sustainable. So once again my life changed, the busyness came back and I was content again. So naturally my weight slowly crept back up to where I was before he died within probably the last 1.5 years. Gaining back the 30 lbs + 2 I lost 4 years ago. 

The last year I have struggled to lose even 5 lbs of what I had gained. I have had a hard time maintaining my weight my whole life, after 40 even harder! Yesterday I went and signed up to go to the gym. I don't remember the last time I belonged to a gym, Maybe as far back as when Paxton was 3. Let me tell you this was a big step for me. This morning I went for the first time and felt more motivated to work out than I have in a long time. I walk and do pilates at home but not consistently. We bought a home gym about 3 years ago I think I used it 5 times. I have been disgusted with my weight lately after gaining back everything I lost when Steve died and a friend told me that weights are important to maintain muscle when you are taking the weight loss shots. Yes, I caved and decided back in January that no matter what I was trying to do to lose it I struggle  with my weight and my perimenopausal state where I can look at food and gain weight, wasn't helping! I needed help somehow. I didn't want to do it, I fought it for awhile but for my sanity and my health and lifestyle I explored my options and decided it was the best thing for my mental heath as well. You are not defined by your weight, however I always feel better about myself when I am at my comfortable weight. I don't need to be 135 lbs, but I don't need to be 180 + either. I am down 20 lbs since January although it seems like every time I gain or lose weight it is in different places and nothing seems to fit the same even at the weight you were at one time! It is okay, I am at peace with the fact that my weight is too a journey just like everything else in my life and I need to view it as a process! 

This morning I was nervous and excited. Luckily there were not a lot of people there and I had to remind myself they are there to work out, not critique me that is my complex in my head. It took me a few minutes to walk around and decide what to use and remember how to use some of it but I did it. At one of the machines I stopped and pictured Steve standing next to me all those years ago patiently showing me how to use it and encouraging me to just sit down and go for it. I may have smiled big at the thought and pressed forward. I started with legs, those have always been my strength when working out and my favorite to do. I may have been able to leg press what I could 15 years ago which I impressed myself! I may not be able to walk tomorrow though so stay tuned. 

I think the 15 minute drive to and from the gym, and removing myself from my house full of work and chores is probably for the best. I have always had a hang up with consistency, so I am just taking this one day at a time. I feel committed to looking and feeling better and I will keep you updated on my journey. I think that this will help with my stress levels as well! For those of you who struggle with starting my advice,  JUST START, no matter what it is! But take my word for it remember to update your playlist before you do! That is on my list of things to do tonight! 

The Right Outcomes Will Find You.

I have been approached, hounded, coaxed by several of you to write lately, wanting to catch up on my story! Sorry, LOL! I know it has been awhile. I don't really know what causes my block but it happens. Maybe doubt,  but life happens, busyness happens, I sometimes question whether or not what I have to say is worth writing, and whether or not the people I write about will be affected in any uncomfortable way. After speaking with my counselor, he suggested that I can change up my style when speaking about a delicate subject. Mostly Paxton. It is hard for me to be vague, you all know how raw and vulnerable I am, that is what makes me me. But sometimes the details are less than desirable to be divulged from an almost 16 year old boys view point ( I am assuming) Not that he reads my blog, however, he may not understand my reasoning for sharing at this age. I am really feeling as I age I almost forget what it was like to live in his age group.  Now 30 years later I am living from what I have since experienced that he hasn't yet had the opportunity to figure out rather than my 15 year old view point from then. With that said, I am going to take this moment to update you on my life as a few of you have asked me to do and also be that parent who understands their child's current state of mind as reasonably as I can and tread accordingly. So here it  goes. 

Last month we had some crucial moments. A few that I feel changed the trajectory of not only Paxton and my relationship, the relationship he has with Mark and also Mark and I and the trust and communication that all of us are establishing. It isn't perfect, or smooth always, but we are owning it and learning as we go and I think all of us are doing a great job of understanding we all different views, opinions, emotions, triggers and buttons. It is weird how God works in your favor sometimes without the process that you expect but with the outcome you hoped for. 

April is usually such a weird month for me, My birthday is the first on which my Papa died when I was 14, my dad's birthday, and the anniversary of Steve and my first date. The last few months of work have been super busy for me, I feel like I am constantly on the road or in front of a computer screen and sometimes I don't know whether I am coming or going. Owning my own brokerage is definitely different than working for someone else's but in a good way. I am grateful to have a wonderful assistant and a virtual social media manager. These two blessings have helped me take my business to the next level and give me time for enjoying life more as well. The balance is beautiful and rewarding and also gives me time to focus on getting more business by trusting the behind the scenes is getting done without too much of my extra effort, in areas that I don't really excel at! 

This April went a little different that I expected. Mid month I had some extra feelings of insecurities some doubt and anxiety and really couldn't put my finger on it. Sometimes I really hate being emotionally attached to things and feeling so deeply but then I know it makes me who I am. They say people who feel deeper love deeper. One night Paxton came into my room before bed and unleashed to me his feelings of sadness, anger, frustration and doubt. As always I am open for these discussions and want him to know that NO MATTER WHAT, he can always come to me with ANYTHING. He was looking at photos on Steve's old phone and it brought feelings to the surface he may have been masking and that he just wasn't understanding why things in life play out as they do. That feeling you have of being robbed of something that you think you deserve or see that other people have and it was stripped from you can be overwhelming. And why we were robbed isn't clear. We may never know the reason. But I am sure there is one. Maybe we will have a chance to have our questions answered someday and maybe we won't care. But trying to figure it out probably is a waste of our time, energy and mental capacity now. 

We talked about how I strongly believe everyone in life has a purpose, sometimes it is significant to certain people and everyone can see it,  sometimes it is not. I told him that I feel like your dad's purpose was fulfilled and everyone has an expiration date. I know I have blogged about that before but I am a passionate about it. I think he struggles with what his purpose is. He is young and doesn't need to have it figured out. He is most definitely my 30 year old trapped in a 15 year old's body. I said that he needs to pray that God helps reveal his purpose by helping him to hone in and develop his talents and make the most of it. I gave examples, I said that I felt part of my purpose was to serve others and help them through difficult times, whether by my example or through writing. (which like you asked I need to just do it when I feel like it and not worry about whether it is important to others if it is important to me). I said or maybe I am suppose to just be a kick ass mom and Realtor. LOL. When crying is involved you have to push through with a little humor. I said some people may just be here to be a good parent, or raise someone who is suppose to be something extravagant, some an example whether good or bad, and on and on. There are so many different purposes and maybe some of us have more than one.

Our conversation was extensive and we hit a lot of different subjects, but one that I go back to is me believing that his dad had a hand in bringing Mark and Maxon into our lives and that he wanted Paxton to have someone who was vested in us to bring that mentor/dad like vibe but that could also be a friend to do all the fun similar stuff that he likes to do in order to show him that it is okay to keep enjoying life while you are here without feeling like you are betraying those who have left us not by their choice.  I also told him after wanting siblings for years, Maxon brought a component into his life that he could be a good mentor to him and also enjoy the young innocent child vibe that brings fun and joy to our lives and when I tell you the kid is an utter joy I am not lying. He didn't argue with me. Later on that night without saying all that Paxton and I discussed in our conversation with him,  Mark and my conversation touched on the idea of life purpose and Mark said maybe part of his purpose in life is to help Paxton and I through losing Steve. Chills you guys...I got chills.  God knows what he is doing for sure. Let him take the wheel. 

Paxton expressed wanting to talk to his counselor and realized he hadn't been in almost a year, that was a good sign... and even though the counselor (also named Mark lol), obviously doesn't say much about what they discuss in their sessions but he did tell me that Paxton really likes Mark and that warms my mama heart. And I also know that there are a few things Paxton has discussed with my Mark in a guy fashion that as a mom he may not have come to me for. That also is progress in my book that he trusts him enough to confide in him. Or maybe it is just what I prayed for. When they first met their relationship was a different story, progress with anything takes nurturing and time.  It is amazing how things come together as we water it and it grows. 

Fast forward a few days. My emotional state was off, my attitude was blah and I just couldn't figure it out. I made it through 3 days of ick! And I will tell you for the first time in 27 years, I forgot that April 19th 1998 was my first anniversary date with Steve. It was always more significant then our actual anniversary to me, because we were together 6 years before we got married and I liked saying how long we had been together. Mark has said to me before that he is grateful that he doesn't really remember dates and hopes that will help in the future when significant people start to die around him. I disagree, you may forget actual dates but I really feel like your muscle memory just knows the time frame. I used to go to a holistic doctor who said that your life experiences are notches on the timeline of your body, each one remembered like as if you drew a timeline on a chalk board. Your body just knows and remembers significant occurrences. That evening a facebook memory of Steve and I popped for me and it was immediately clear to me where that ick was coming from. I was actually shocked that it hadn't crossed my mind until then. 

Mark and I talked after I connected the dots and he asked me if forgetting made me feel guilty at all? And you know what I said? I thought about it and wondered if I should be, but to be completely honest I felt refreshed to have "forgotten" even if my body did not. It gave me a sense of living in my present instead of weighing heavily on my past and what was missing. My past will always be there, my past is part of who I am and I am thankful for all that it gave me,  but also part of enjoying my present and my future relies on focusing on the here and now and placing a larger portion of emphasis on that. I told Paxton that night in my room that his dad would want us to be happy, to enjoy life, to be the best people we can be going forward. We can celebrate the past, without dwelling on it to our detriment. Without being too wordy I think you all understand where I am leaning. Like I have always preached in my writing, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to question life and why things happen, it is okay to have a pity party every once in awhile, it means we care, it means we loved, it means that grief will always creep it's way in the door, we just can't invite it to be constant. Steve would never want that for us. As my actual wedding anniversary approaches in the next few days I have already had some memory moments that have brought tears to my eyes, but the beauty is I can appreciate the past and look forward to my future. If that isn't being able to live alongside grief to the utmost definition I don't know what is. 

I hope whatever journey that you are on, you can look back and find all the things that will heighten the opportunities of your future to take you to the next level, to help you concentrate on the positive things in life, finding the things to be grateful for. Whether they are experiences had, lessons learned, mistakes made, failures, hurts, grief or any other notches that have been added to your body's timeline find the silver lining or make the most of what you were dealt. We may not always be able to choose our fate but we choose how we handle it. Figure out how to use what you have to your future advantage and help you grow instead of allowing negativity to linger, with regret, or worry for your future and hovering sadness. Trust the process, surrender the outcome, the right outcomes will find you. 

For we are God's masterpiece he has created us anew In Christ Jesus so we can do the things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10

What a Man Thinks What a Girl Wants

 

I can't even begin where to start, the last 2 weeks have been emotional for me in a way that everything seems to be heightened when I experience it which has also given me so many blog ideas that I wished I could combine them all together, but after much consideration of what that would look like (for those of you who are not ADHD I am saving you from tangled spaghetti (IYKYK)), you will just have to wait and read them separately so that I can give full attention to each topic that it deserves. So be ready for a few reads this week! 

Last week I wasn't feeling really great, and had a horrible ear ache. I tried some home remedies for a couple days before going to urgent care. Mark and I don't get a lot of time together each week so the majority of our relationship if we are not together or on a trip is made up of talking on the phone. Our communication is unlike any I have ever experienced with a person before which makes it easier for us to resolve any conflict or differences we experience.  Also I want to say that he is kind, thoughtful, and very attentive on a regular basis before I begin this story. 

2 Sundays ago I went to bed not feeling good and I am normally good at pushing through it. I try to just get things done but on this particular night I was exhausted and had nothing else to give. As I lay in bed talking to Mark he knew that I wasn't feeling well. We talked about me going to urgent care the next day to see if I could get some relief for my ear. I went to bed early and actually slept through the night, which in my perimenopausal state and having dogs doesn't happen very often! I woke up in the morning with a lot to do and appointments that had to be kept. I checked with 3 local Urgent cares, no one had call ahead appointments left and all had 2.5-3 hour waits, which I just couldn't fit in or want to sit in a waiting room with a bunch of sick people for that long, so I decided to do some natural remedies to give me some relief. 

No matter how many books I have read on the differences between men and women... my favorite being Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti(as per my reference above)- by Bill & Pam Farrell, I highly recommend the read if you haven't. In most cases men compartmentalize things into individual boxes like a waffle and women tend to intertwine things, everything touches like spaghetti on a plate and they can jump easily from topic to topic causing men to get lost in our conversations sometimes trying to keep it straight. How your recent trip to Alaska has anything to do with your friend Kevin's cousin Sue's horse or your electric bill being so high this month is beyond their comprehension. hahaha! 

As the day progressed and I not only felt horrible, I was pushing through all the tasks, phone calls and appointments with a painful ear, crabby attitude, and a stewing irritation that I wasn't checked on the frustration and emotions escalated. I saw this reel the other day of a sick women making the bed, doing laundry and cooking dinner meanwhile the man was laid up in bed with a cold compress on his head and a thermometer sticking out of his mouth. It made me chuckle... just a little. At almost 1 pm I got a text that simply said " Did you go to urgent care?" I mean I would have checked on him at least 3 times by then! Which I could probably say that most women would be on my side and this middle of the day text didn't quite sit right with me. Not a hi, how are you feeling babe? which would have totally made up for not being checked on for 6 hours since I woke up, just simply "did you go to urgent care?" After careful consideration I just responded no.

Now all of you who know me well, I am not lacking in the word department you know that sometimes my text can be paragraphs long, you may need to pour a drink or pop some popcorn to read them, so when I strategically responded no, I figured that would come back with some sort of response. Or so I was hoping. But no, nothing. When 2:00 came around and I had to go pick up Paxton from school my frustration got strong enough that I had to call a girlfriend on my way just to vent a little. Like why are men so clueless that they don't get we need to be checked on. This one little step could have saved a lot of grief. Now I don't get angry easily and I forgive quickly but I do get disappointed and frustrated. 

After picking up Paxton from school and heading to get his haircut,  I decided instead of being upset anymore I was going to turn this into a life lesson for my son! The boy had no idea what he was in for. I decided to make this a teaching moment that will hopefully be remembered down the road. I mean, he will have a girlfriend and probably a wife someday and what kind of mom would I be if I didn't take a moment to just put a little bug in his ear about what a girl wants! Right?! As the boy he is he will tell me his mind without hesitation. He was quick to defend Mark by saying, MOM, guys don't think like that! You were sick last night, you probably still don't feel good. Why would we ask that? Which after much stewing all day about poor me not being checked on, a light bulb went on in my head and immediately took me to all the books I have read about such a thing! I responded that I was just trying to give him a tip to help his future relationships flourish by cluing into what a girl wants and catering to their needs a little, just as a woman I try to focus on how a guy wants to be treated and act accordingly. 

After waiting until well after 5:00 for a response to my response and calming myself down from my annoyance with his lack of what was my expectation of how the day should have gone, what he should have said, how he should have responded in my head, which can be really exhausting and in my opinion could have been avoided! Once we did talk, I was able to turn it into a joke that I was grateful that his lack of concern for how I was feeling was a good lesson on how Paxton could be a better partner to someone someday with just a few words. "how are you feeling today?" which goes a long way in my book, and probably that of many women. I turned it into something we could laugh about for days and years to come. 

To Paxton's earlier comment about knowing that I probably still didn't feel good and why would he ask something he already knew the answer to made me laugh. Yes, that is exactly why men and women are so different, think different, and act different causing miscommunication and unfulfilled expectations in relationships. We don't talk about it enough, we just expect our partner to think like we do and then get upset at them for not. But we don't think alike so naturally we don't act or respond alike! If we did life would probably be a little boring. If we would all just communicate with one another in a light and positive way what our needs, desires, and wants are we wouldn't get so disappointed when they think the way they do and are unable to fulfill our expectations. 

I don't think any of what was going on in my mind about his lack of reaching out even ever crossed his mind as ill intended. That is where simple communication regarding how you want/need to be treated or engaged with, could save a lot of stress, anxiety or frustration that was really unnecessarily formed in the first place. It has been about a week and a half later and I will say it may be a little sarcastic and a lot playful, but I think he has asked me how I am feeling almost every day since then. We laugh and move forward. If you are constantly trying to improve your relationship, and you are waking up every day and choosing that person, I highly suggest being able to communicate with the goal to understand the other person instead of trying to change them. Naturally you should both change a little as you notice the positive response you get from even some of the smallest things you can say or do that can really make a huge difference! 

Installing Twist Throttles, Fixing Chains and Mini Mentoring

 

Collaboration and mentorship are a huge part of growing up, and something that even follows us into adulthood where we can learn more and experience new things. You know I love definitions so here you go. Collaboration is the act of working with someone to produce or create something, often involving a partnership or union.  Mentorship works closely with collaboration sometimes taking that partnership to the next level. Mentorship is the act of advising or training someone, most times a younger or less experienced person.  Mentorship is important for young people especially. I agree that a young person when having the knowledge an older person lacks, can also be of huge benefit to an older person. It is all based on upbringing, skills, and life experiences which can be unique to all and not bound by age.

As a mom raising a teenage boy without a father, having a mentor(s) for him is extremely important to me. There is something to be said about the people who have come into our lives both before and after Steve’s death. A friend of mine reiterated last week in a conversation we were having with Paxton at that time that some of these people are in our lives for a reason, season, or lifetime. I know I have blogged about this before. Not everyone that comes into our lives is here to stay forever. I am extremely blessed to have had strong men in Paxton’s life even if only for a period that have a wide variety of skills they share with him, not only does it give him insight into what he wants for the future but also gives him character from the experiences he has had. All of these men have different characteristics that benefit Paxton in many positive ways, and I believe essentially are what is going to shape him into the amazing adult that I know he has the potential to be. Obviously along with girl/women postitive influences as well!

I can’t think of anything that Steve would want more than his son to have all the positive influences that he can have to excel in his future and maybe even some of the bad, harder, or life teaching ones too. I remember when my dad died there were certain father figures that I found helped shape me into who I am now. As a girl I felt like the women in my life taught me how to be a better woman, but the men showed me what I was looking for in a future man, and life experiences have helped me find what I am looking for in my current partner life part 2. I want Paxton to not only have mentors that can be there to share their wisdom, life experiences, and insight to help shape him, I also want him to have someone  who is consistently there to guide him despite the life happenings that sometimes prevent the other mentors from being able to show up every time that he needs it, I am also equally grateful that he is called to be a mentor as well.

To be completely honest, when I met Mark, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about a man with a kid who was so young, or how it would affect mine. Maxon was 5 when we met and just turned 7 last week, my son being a teenager I was closer to being done with those years and also didn't know how sharing my attention would go. Fast forward to the first time I met him, and I was hooked, and I would never second guess that thought again. God really knows what he is doing, and I decided to trust the process and surrendered the outcome.  I will say a year and half later, I couldn’t be more thrilled to have a man who consistently shows up in my son’s life and a son who wouldn’t think twice to be like a big brother mentor who he has always secretly wanted to be. (For years he begged Steve and I for a brother, this may not be exactly what he was thinking, but we don't always know what we are meant to have, until we do.) I know he doesn’t read my blogs, but one day down the road into adulthood if he ever does, I am pretty certain this won’t be a false statement.

It warms my heart that his big heart is drawn to teach as he has been taught and pass along his knowledge, skills, and kindness to others, especially Maxon who has so many influences yet to be exposed to and learning to be consumed and there will be a lot who contribute to who he becomes. Paxton might be a typical teenager who is going through one of the toughest and most influencial times in his life who also met the unfortunate circumstances of losing his dad at a young age. With both combined he tests me and drives me completely insane on the daily but also enhances who I am and who I am becoming, and I love him with my whole heart. I am truly proud of him and who he is becoming. Trusting the process, surrendering the outcome, is one of the most profound sayings in my life right now and probably always will be. I am grateful for all life experiences, the good and the bad, which both become a part of who we are. So, the next time you want to get down on yourself for what you are going through, remember it all works toward the outcome of who you are meant to be. Process it, grab your popcorn and stayed tuned for the ending… just kidding the journey is just getting started. Enjoy.

Not Your Typical Influencers

 

I woke up this morning with the ICK feeling I get now and then. There are a few times a year that my depression just comes in waves. No matter how hard I try to be positive to reflect on the good times, or to find things to occupy my mind it just sits with me. I can't predict the when, or moments that the  emotions will build or the tears will well up in my eyes without notice.  This to me is a sign of love that is not getting to the person that you love, because they are no longer here.  How does the saying go, time heals all wounds?  I am not sure that I agree with that at all! I don't know if we EVER necessarily heal. It just gets easier to bear but is never forgotten nor do I believe it should be, it is part of our journey and our story. Everything that happens to us contributes to who we are not only for what it is, but how we respond to it. When I get all caught up in my emotions and feels I know also know that I will not allow myself to stay there. Since it is temporary, I am confident that it is also ok to feel this way as long as we don’t get stuck there.

These days we hear a lot about influencers, especially through social media. I am sure you could name one if prompted to.

The definition of influencer these days is as follows… individuals with a large or highly engaged social media following who hold considerable sway in specific industries such as beauty, fashion, fitness, travel and food. Known for their authenticity and innovative approaches, they use their specialized knowledge and authority to influence target audiences. (https://sproutsocial.com)

An influencer can be referred to as a leader, motivator, inspirer or trendsetter.

When I think of the word influencer as someone who motivates or inspires two people come to mind automatically. 

34 years ago, tomorrow, on January 8^th, 1991, I walked into my house after school to both of my parents who weren't usually home together at that time because of their work schedule. On that particular day, my mom gave me her best loving mom look and said we have something to share with you. I remember looking at her and then to my dad and I said "she died, didn't she? " I had an eerie feeling the whole day that this was the case. The best friend that I had known in my short 11 years of life that I spent practically every day running back and forth across the street with, lost her three-year battle with brain cancer at such a young age. I will tell you that of all the influential people in my life who have gotten me to where I am today, she was probably one of the most profound of them. For someone who was in so much pain, experiencing so much turmoil and what I would consider fear of the unknown, she was the most positive, happy, smiling person I have ever been so privileged to know. A light to anyone’s darkness.

Fast forward to ten years ago January 8^th, 2015, I woke up with the same feeling and knew that only six months into her diagnosis and cancer battle that I had to say goodbye to my mom yet another extremely influential person in my life and also my absolute best friend. Fitting that they share the same Heaven Gotcha Day! Both in their own ways taught me to be as full of life, grateful, and as positive as I could be no matter what obstacle or situation that life throws my way just from their example. I couldn't have asked for more kind, caring, and loving influencers. Each of them had their own unique ways of lighting up a room and just making things better for me and others around them.

At 45 years old I have been through my share of ups and downs in life. Failures, setbacks, trials, heartbreaks, and tragedies are guaranteed to come into this life but once we can grasp onto the key of living life to the fullest despite them we start focusing on our successes, triumphs, celebrations, tranquility, and happiness then we are winning. 

Today I wore my, But Did You Die? sweatshirt. The clerk at HomeGoods asked me what the meaning of my hoodie meant. So, I proceeded to tell her the story about how my husband died three and a half years ago and my group of girlfriends who ultimately think I'm a bad driver  (I am not denying this- But did you die? Don’t worry they are all still here) but love me anyway, and how we added the phrase to our memorable and influential life quotes (we have built a list) to live by and then was able to find it on matching hoodies that we each now have. I told the cashier we all have an expiration date, and we don't know when that is so we need to live life to the fullest every day that we can. With a warm smile on her face, she just said “thank you for sharing that I hope that you have a blessed day.” I told her to enjoy her day and walked away with a warm feeling in my heart. If I can share even an ounce of spirited sunshine that I learned from Tana and my mom on a daily basis, I'm fulfilling part of the purpose that God has given me.  

I can walk through life, sad, depressed, deprived, and grumpy from every negative encounter that has built up over the years or I can choose to shine a light from a place of compassion, love and positivity enjoying every moment I have left sharing a glimpse of these two ladies’ big hearts along the way. 

 

Be the things you like the most about the people who are gone. 

 

A Facebook friend of mine who also lost her husband, shared this passage this morning. 

On Those Days

On those days

when you miss someone the most

As though your memories

are sharp enough

to slice through skin and bone

 Remember how they loved you.

 Remember how they loved you

and do that

for yourself.

 In their name

in their honor

love yourself

as they loved you.

 They would like that.

 On those days

when you miss someone the most

love yourself harder.

 It struck me as something that was worth sharing and it goes appropriately with my blog today. 

 

With Christmas just behind us I am sure with all the packages, decorations, and bows you encountered that at least some spectacle of glitter touched your skin or clothing.

 

If there's anything that you take away from this blog, I hope it is that you will place more emphasis on dwelling in the shiny glitter that life has to offer and start spreading that stuff everywhere. Life has taught me that there's plenty of it to go around and once you get it, it is hard to come off no matter how hard you try.  Share some with others and wear yours with pride.