Just Start

 

27 years ago in March 1998 Steve walked into the tanning salon where I worked after his workout. He was in great shape when I met him and the best shape of his life when we got married. He actually had a 6 pack, but I teased him he was too skinny. I tend to be attracted to guys with a little more fluff than not. Although looking back I used to love to run my hands over his stomach and arms and feel the definition of his muscles. If I could go back to that time, one more time just to experience how it felt I would in a heartbeat. TMI maybe but it is all part of my story. 

I was never really a fan of working out. Don't get me wrong I loved the way it made me feel afterwards but have always had a hard time getting to it to start with. I was on a swim team and played tennis in high school but was never really a weight lifter per se until I met him. I remember joining the gym after we met and learning all the different machines, free weights, how to complete sets and just how much weight my body could handle as well as being introduced to protein shakes and supplements. I have never been satisfied with these as I really enjoying chewing my food not drinking it. We worked out for years together at the gym. When we got married I was probably in the best shape of my life as well, although I wished now I was as fat as I thought I was then. It is all about perspective. It definitely was not a maintainable weight for me and all I ate was chicken, fish, dry tuna, salad with lemon and vinegar, and green beans mostly. I love healthy food, but how boring and I love to cook with butter and flavorful things, so that didn't last long. Marriage, work, responsibilities and a baby. Not to mention I struggled with my weight my whole life going up and down since as far back as I can remember which was about 5th grade. 

When Steve died I was probably at my highest weight ever, like within a pound of being pregnant. I was comfortably uncomfortable if that makes sense. I was content in life, married to a man who wasn't going anywhere, busy with work, life, a pressing travel baseball schedule, being a mom, raising farm animals, all the stuff. I wasn't happy with myself really, but I didn't have time for all the extra effort.  When Steve died, I really anticipated gaining even more because I have always been an emotional eater. I remember my homecoming dance my freshman year in high school, I wore this red dress, it was my favorite out of all the dances I went to. I loved how I looked, it was probably next to my wedding day the happiest I have ever been with my weight. My dad died my first week of my freshman year of high school and I crept up in weight to my highest weight at the time I graduated high school. I struggled with bulimia for a few years in between gaining it all back when graduating, my mom and best friend helped me through that but to this day I'll be honest and hate to admit it, if I binge way to much my gag reflux works, it took me years to admit it to anyone else that I ever did that, I don't even think I ever told Steve. 

After high school I moved to the Arizona sunshine and decided to start roller blading to ASU classes from my condo a few miles away. It was just me so I didn't eat much and I dropped 25 lbs in the first few months of college. Once again feeling great about myself. When I got Covid 4 years ago and everything tasted disgusting it ended up being easy for me to shed the pounds again because once Steve died I pretty much just drank my sorrow with wine. Yep, the girl who likes to chew her food instead of drink it changed up her style in the moment. But definitely not sustainable. So once again my life changed, the busyness came back and I was content again. So naturally my weight slowly crept back up to where I was before he died within probably the last 1.5 years. Gaining back the 30 lbs + 2 I lost 4 years ago. 

The last year I have struggled to lose even 5 lbs of what I had gained. I have had a hard time maintaining my weight my whole life, after 40 even harder! Yesterday I went and signed up to go to the gym. I don't remember the last time I belonged to a gym, Maybe as far back as when Paxton was 3. Let me tell you this was a big step for me. This morning I went for the first time and felt more motivated to work out than I have in a long time. I walk and do pilates at home but not consistently. We bought a home gym about 3 years ago I think I used it 5 times. I have been disgusted with my weight lately after gaining back everything I lost when Steve died and a friend told me that weights are important to maintain muscle when you are taking the weight loss shots. Yes, I caved and decided back in January that no matter what I was trying to do to lose it I struggle  with my weight and my perimenopausal state where I can look at food and gain weight, wasn't helping! I needed help somehow. I didn't want to do it, I fought it for awhile but for my sanity and my health and lifestyle I explored my options and decided it was the best thing for my mental heath as well. You are not defined by your weight, however I always feel better about myself when I am at my comfortable weight. I don't need to be 135 lbs, but I don't need to be 180 + either. I am down 20 lbs since January although it seems like every time I gain or lose weight it is in different places and nothing seems to fit the same even at the weight you were at one time! It is okay, I am at peace with the fact that my weight is too a journey just like everything else in my life and I need to view it as a process! 

This morning I was nervous and excited. Luckily there were not a lot of people there and I had to remind myself they are there to work out, not critique me that is my complex in my head. It took me a few minutes to walk around and decide what to use and remember how to use some of it but I did it. At one of the machines I stopped and pictured Steve standing next to me all those years ago patiently showing me how to use it and encouraging me to just sit down and go for it. I may have smiled big at the thought and pressed forward. I started with legs, those have always been my strength when working out and my favorite to do. I may have been able to leg press what I could 15 years ago which I impressed myself! I may not be able to walk tomorrow though so stay tuned. 

I think the 15 minute drive to and from the gym, and removing myself from my house full of work and chores is probably for the best. I have always had a hang up with consistency, so I am just taking this one day at a time. I feel committed to looking and feeling better and I will keep you updated on my journey. I think that this will help with my stress levels as well! For those of you who struggle with starting my advice,  JUST START, no matter what it is! But take my word for it remember to update your playlist before you do! That is on my list of things to do tonight!