Just Start

 

27 years ago in March 1998 Steve walked into the tanning salon where I worked after his workout. He was in great shape when I met him and the best shape of his life when we got married. He actually had a 6 pack, but I teased him he was too skinny. I tend to be attracted to guys with a little more fluff than not. Although looking back I used to love to run my hands over his stomach and arms and feel the definition of his muscles. If I could go back to that time, one more time just to experience how it felt I would in a heartbeat. TMI maybe but it is all part of my story. 

I was never really a fan of working out. Don't get me wrong I loved the way it made me feel afterwards but have always had a hard time getting to it to start with. I was on a swim team and played tennis in high school but was never really a weight lifter per se until I met him. I remember joining the gym after we met and learning all the different machines, free weights, how to complete sets and just how much weight my body could handle as well as being introduced to protein shakes and supplements. I have never been satisfied with these as I really enjoying chewing my food not drinking it. We worked out for years together at the gym. When we got married I was probably in the best shape of my life as well, although I wished now I was as fat as I thought I was then. It is all about perspective. It definitely was not a maintainable weight for me and all I ate was chicken, fish, dry tuna, salad with lemon and vinegar, and green beans mostly. I love healthy food, but how boring and I love to cook with butter and flavorful things, so that didn't last long. Marriage, work, responsibilities and a baby. Not to mention I struggled with my weight my whole life going up and down since as far back as I can remember which was about 5th grade. 

When Steve died I was probably at my highest weight ever, like within a pound of being pregnant. I was comfortably uncomfortable if that makes sense. I was content in life, married to a man who wasn't going anywhere, busy with work, life, a pressing travel baseball schedule, being a mom, raising farm animals, all the stuff. I wasn't happy with myself really, but I didn't have time for all the extra effort.  When Steve died, I really anticipated gaining even more because I have always been an emotional eater. I remember my homecoming dance my freshman year in high school, I wore this red dress, it was my favorite out of all the dances I went to. I loved how I looked, it was probably next to my wedding day the happiest I have ever been with my weight. My dad died my first week of my freshman year of high school and I crept up in weight to my highest weight at the time I graduated high school. I struggled with bulimia for a few years in between gaining it all back when graduating, my mom and best friend helped me through that but to this day I'll be honest and hate to admit it, if I binge way to much my gag reflux works, it took me years to admit it to anyone else that I ever did that, I don't even think I ever told Steve. 

After high school I moved to the Arizona sunshine and decided to start roller blading to ASU classes from my condo a few miles away. It was just me so I didn't eat much and I dropped 25 lbs in the first few months of college. Once again feeling great about myself. When I got Covid 4 years ago and everything tasted disgusting it ended up being easy for me to shed the pounds again because once Steve died I pretty much just drank my sorrow with wine. Yep, the girl who likes to chew her food instead of drink it changed up her style in the moment. But definitely not sustainable. So once again my life changed, the busyness came back and I was content again. So naturally my weight slowly crept back up to where I was before he died within probably the last 1.5 years. Gaining back the 30 lbs + 2 I lost 4 years ago. 

The last year I have struggled to lose even 5 lbs of what I had gained. I have had a hard time maintaining my weight my whole life, after 40 even harder! Yesterday I went and signed up to go to the gym. I don't remember the last time I belonged to a gym, Maybe as far back as when Paxton was 3. Let me tell you this was a big step for me. This morning I went for the first time and felt more motivated to work out than I have in a long time. I walk and do pilates at home but not consistently. We bought a home gym about 3 years ago I think I used it 5 times. I have been disgusted with my weight lately after gaining back everything I lost when Steve died and a friend told me that weights are important to maintain muscle when you are taking the weight loss shots. Yes, I caved and decided back in January that no matter what I was trying to do to lose it I struggle  with my weight and my perimenopausal state where I can look at food and gain weight, wasn't helping! I needed help somehow. I didn't want to do it, I fought it for awhile but for my sanity and my health and lifestyle I explored my options and decided it was the best thing for my mental heath as well. You are not defined by your weight, however I always feel better about myself when I am at my comfortable weight. I don't need to be 135 lbs, but I don't need to be 180 + either. I am down 20 lbs since January although it seems like every time I gain or lose weight it is in different places and nothing seems to fit the same even at the weight you were at one time! It is okay, I am at peace with the fact that my weight is too a journey just like everything else in my life and I need to view it as a process! 

This morning I was nervous and excited. Luckily there were not a lot of people there and I had to remind myself they are there to work out, not critique me that is my complex in my head. It took me a few minutes to walk around and decide what to use and remember how to use some of it but I did it. At one of the machines I stopped and pictured Steve standing next to me all those years ago patiently showing me how to use it and encouraging me to just sit down and go for it. I may have smiled big at the thought and pressed forward. I started with legs, those have always been my strength when working out and my favorite to do. I may have been able to leg press what I could 15 years ago which I impressed myself! I may not be able to walk tomorrow though so stay tuned. 

I think the 15 minute drive to and from the gym, and removing myself from my house full of work and chores is probably for the best. I have always had a hang up with consistency, so I am just taking this one day at a time. I feel committed to looking and feeling better and I will keep you updated on my journey. I think that this will help with my stress levels as well! For those of you who struggle with starting my advice,  JUST START, no matter what it is! But take my word for it remember to update your playlist before you do! That is on my list of things to do tonight! 

The Right Outcomes Will Find You.

I have been approached, hounded, coaxed by several of you to write lately, wanting to catch up on my story! Sorry, LOL! I know it has been awhile. I don't really know what causes my block but it happens. Maybe doubt,  but life happens, busyness happens, I sometimes question whether or not what I have to say is worth writing, and whether or not the people I write about will be affected in any uncomfortable way. After speaking with my counselor, he suggested that I can change up my style when speaking about a delicate subject. Mostly Paxton. It is hard for me to be vague, you all know how raw and vulnerable I am, that is what makes me me. But sometimes the details are less than desirable to be divulged from an almost 16 year old boys view point ( I am assuming) Not that he reads my blog, however, he may not understand my reasoning for sharing at this age. I am really feeling as I age I almost forget what it was like to live in his age group.  Now 30 years later I am living from what I have since experienced that he hasn't yet had the opportunity to figure out rather than my 15 year old view point from then. With that said, I am going to take this moment to update you on my life as a few of you have asked me to do and also be that parent who understands their child's current state of mind as reasonably as I can and tread accordingly. So here it  goes. 

Last month we had some crucial moments. A few that I feel changed the trajectory of not only Paxton and my relationship, the relationship he has with Mark and also Mark and I and the trust and communication that all of us are establishing. It isn't perfect, or smooth always, but we are owning it and learning as we go and I think all of us are doing a great job of understanding we all different views, opinions, emotions, triggers and buttons. It is weird how God works in your favor sometimes without the process that you expect but with the outcome you hoped for. 

April is usually such a weird month for me, My birthday is the first on which my Papa died when I was 14, my dad's birthday, and the anniversary of Steve and my first date. The last few months of work have been super busy for me, I feel like I am constantly on the road or in front of a computer screen and sometimes I don't know whether I am coming or going. Owning my own brokerage is definitely different than working for someone else's but in a good way. I am grateful to have a wonderful assistant and a virtual social media manager. These two blessings have helped me take my business to the next level and give me time for enjoying life more as well. The balance is beautiful and rewarding and also gives me time to focus on getting more business by trusting the behind the scenes is getting done without too much of my extra effort, in areas that I don't really excel at! 

This April went a little different that I expected. Mid month I had some extra feelings of insecurities some doubt and anxiety and really couldn't put my finger on it. Sometimes I really hate being emotionally attached to things and feeling so deeply but then I know it makes me who I am. They say people who feel deeper love deeper. One night Paxton came into my room before bed and unleashed to me his feelings of sadness, anger, frustration and doubt. As always I am open for these discussions and want him to know that NO MATTER WHAT, he can always come to me with ANYTHING. He was looking at photos on Steve's old phone and it brought feelings to the surface he may have been masking and that he just wasn't understanding why things in life play out as they do. That feeling you have of being robbed of something that you think you deserve or see that other people have and it was stripped from you can be overwhelming. And why we were robbed isn't clear. We may never know the reason. But I am sure there is one. Maybe we will have a chance to have our questions answered someday and maybe we won't care. But trying to figure it out probably is a waste of our time, energy and mental capacity now. 

We talked about how I strongly believe everyone in life has a purpose, sometimes it is significant to certain people and everyone can see it,  sometimes it is not. I told him that I feel like your dad's purpose was fulfilled and everyone has an expiration date. I know I have blogged about that before but I am a passionate about it. I think he struggles with what his purpose is. He is young and doesn't need to have it figured out. He is most definitely my 30 year old trapped in a 15 year old's body. I said that he needs to pray that God helps reveal his purpose by helping him to hone in and develop his talents and make the most of it. I gave examples, I said that I felt part of my purpose was to serve others and help them through difficult times, whether by my example or through writing. (which like you asked I need to just do it when I feel like it and not worry about whether it is important to others if it is important to me). I said or maybe I am suppose to just be a kick ass mom and Realtor. LOL. When crying is involved you have to push through with a little humor. I said some people may just be here to be a good parent, or raise someone who is suppose to be something extravagant, some an example whether good or bad, and on and on. There are so many different purposes and maybe some of us have more than one.

Our conversation was extensive and we hit a lot of different subjects, but one that I go back to is me believing that his dad had a hand in bringing Mark and Maxon into our lives and that he wanted Paxton to have someone who was vested in us to bring that mentor/dad like vibe but that could also be a friend to do all the fun similar stuff that he likes to do in order to show him that it is okay to keep enjoying life while you are here without feeling like you are betraying those who have left us not by their choice.  I also told him after wanting siblings for years, Maxon brought a component into his life that he could be a good mentor to him and also enjoy the young innocent child vibe that brings fun and joy to our lives and when I tell you the kid is an utter joy I am not lying. He didn't argue with me. Later on that night without saying all that Paxton and I discussed in our conversation with him,  Mark and my conversation touched on the idea of life purpose and Mark said maybe part of his purpose in life is to help Paxton and I through losing Steve. Chills you guys...I got chills.  God knows what he is doing for sure. Let him take the wheel. 

Paxton expressed wanting to talk to his counselor and realized he hadn't been in almost a year, that was a good sign... and even though the counselor (also named Mark lol), obviously doesn't say much about what they discuss in their sessions but he did tell me that Paxton really likes Mark and that warms my mama heart. And I also know that there are a few things Paxton has discussed with my Mark in a guy fashion that as a mom he may not have come to me for. That also is progress in my book that he trusts him enough to confide in him. Or maybe it is just what I prayed for. When they first met their relationship was a different story, progress with anything takes nurturing and time.  It is amazing how things come together as we water it and it grows. 

Fast forward a few days. My emotional state was off, my attitude was blah and I just couldn't figure it out. I made it through 3 days of ick! And I will tell you for the first time in 27 years, I forgot that April 19th 1998 was my first anniversary date with Steve. It was always more significant then our actual anniversary to me, because we were together 6 years before we got married and I liked saying how long we had been together. Mark has said to me before that he is grateful that he doesn't really remember dates and hopes that will help in the future when significant people start to die around him. I disagree, you may forget actual dates but I really feel like your muscle memory just knows the time frame. I used to go to a holistic doctor who said that your life experiences are notches on the timeline of your body, each one remembered like as if you drew a timeline on a chalk board. Your body just knows and remembers significant occurrences. That evening a facebook memory of Steve and I popped for me and it was immediately clear to me where that ick was coming from. I was actually shocked that it hadn't crossed my mind until then. 

Mark and I talked after I connected the dots and he asked me if forgetting made me feel guilty at all? And you know what I said? I thought about it and wondered if I should be, but to be completely honest I felt refreshed to have "forgotten" even if my body did not. It gave me a sense of living in my present instead of weighing heavily on my past and what was missing. My past will always be there, my past is part of who I am and I am thankful for all that it gave me,  but also part of enjoying my present and my future relies on focusing on the here and now and placing a larger portion of emphasis on that. I told Paxton that night in my room that his dad would want us to be happy, to enjoy life, to be the best people we can be going forward. We can celebrate the past, without dwelling on it to our detriment. Without being too wordy I think you all understand where I am leaning. Like I have always preached in my writing, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to question life and why things happen, it is okay to have a pity party every once in awhile, it means we care, it means we loved, it means that grief will always creep it's way in the door, we just can't invite it to be constant. Steve would never want that for us. As my actual wedding anniversary approaches in the next few days I have already had some memory moments that have brought tears to my eyes, but the beauty is I can appreciate the past and look forward to my future. If that isn't being able to live alongside grief to the utmost definition I don't know what is. 

I hope whatever journey that you are on, you can look back and find all the things that will heighten the opportunities of your future to take you to the next level, to help you concentrate on the positive things in life, finding the things to be grateful for. Whether they are experiences had, lessons learned, mistakes made, failures, hurts, grief or any other notches that have been added to your body's timeline find the silver lining or make the most of what you were dealt. We may not always be able to choose our fate but we choose how we handle it. Figure out how to use what you have to your future advantage and help you grow instead of allowing negativity to linger, with regret, or worry for your future and hovering sadness. Trust the process, surrender the outcome, the right outcomes will find you. 

For we are God's masterpiece he has created us anew In Christ Jesus so we can do the things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10