On this Eve of Steve's Big 50th and my mom's 78th birthday Day I am struggling! Always 45 and 66 they will be frozen in my head. The last week has been weird since the 8th when it has now been 11 years without my mama! 11 years! I don't know where the time went to be honest. I still have some part of my day where I am itching to ask her opinion about something almost daily! Paxton and I have had some serious moments recently, I have cried over things that I have no business crying over either. But hell, grief is just love with no where to go, no matter how you try to redirect it, sometimes it just boils to the point of explosion and things seem more messed up. Emotions fly, attitudes falter, feelings get hurt and I find myself not only more sensitive to situations but also tip-toeing around others not to disturb the peace so to speak! Man it is tough to try to keep everything flowing sometimes. I wished I could stop and pause and resume after the week is done. Somedays I wished that I didn't have as much emotion about things as I do and other days I am grateful that I feel so deeply because it makes me a more empathetic person who loves with all I got! If you are in the path of that love no matter what our relationship, it is my focus to want to make everyone feel safe and special because of it. But on the flip side, it can be exhausting.
Paxton seems to be straining over the past week making decisions on what to do. In the past we have celebrated Steve and my mom's birthdays with dinner, asking family members or friends to join us sometimes. This year we have no plans and every time I have brought it up or asked him what he would like to do, where he would like to go or who he wanted to invite I get nothing. And I hate to push but I also like to plan. His indecisiveness was a huge indicator to me that he was struggling internally with something. So then I internally played all the scenarios that I would suspect. Maybe he is afraid that in telling me I would think differently or judge him in some way. I know that is often what crosses my mind when I am struggling with what I am feeling.
I also know that I often try to hide my emotions or how I am feeling it makes it worse, maybe I am afraid of what someone will think of what is happening in my head. I want to protect others from what is going on inside my head sometimes other times I am so vulnerable and I can spill it all and with that often comes tears and doubt. So the thoughts fly and the tears fall usually more on my own time. I want him to know he is safe to tell me how he feels. Teaching him how to communicate now will only strengthen his relationships in the future.
I just told a client a few days ago that we do not talk to anyone as much as we talk to ourselves and we are our own worst critic as well as we tend to get stuck in our head verses turning to God for peace, or relief from what we are going through after she mentioned that she wished she would have given her concerns to God instead of listening to her head about the home she is trying to sell. I couldn't agree more. Today a client took me to lunch to catch up and pick my brain about his home and before we ate he asked if he could pray over us, I agreed and he grabbed my hand and prayed. It was a gentle reminder that no matter where you are or what you are doing God is always there listening and taking a few minutes to call upon him for guidance, comfort, care, support and gratitude can really change the trajectory of our day or reset any spiraling that may be occurring as we move forward with our day.
Tonight I told Paxton that it is okay to feel the way he is feeling, to be uncertain about what he wants to do and also to break tradition. Just because for the last how many years we went out to eat doesn't mean, his dad or my mom would think any less if we chose to do something else. If he came home from school tomorrow and decided to grab his friends and do something, I nor any one else is going to judge him for switching it up. We all grow, we all change and while traditions are great in the traditional sense of the word(haha) we are not stuck in them nor should we be if they don't fit our feelings, or situation anymore or even on occasion, doesn't mean next year it can't go back to the way it was or change again. I didn't really still get a definite answer, but I saw in his expression and felt a sense of relief that he doesn't have to decide what he wants to do until he knows what he wants to do and maybe that is tomorrow at 9 am, 2 pm or 6pm. Would that normally drive me nuts to not have a plan and be on hold waiting, probably, but some days of the year there are exceptions to my madness.
Sometimes I just want someone to step in take over and tell me life is going to be alright, everything is okay, you got this, you will survive, you are raising a great kid, you are making good decisions, you are a great mom, you are not crazy or alone and it is okay to feel the way that you do. But why am I waiting for someone to affirm these things for me? Why do I need this validation from the world. God can handle that. The popular saying is Give it to God and Go to Sleep like the sign above my bed, but why can't we do that during the day when we find our thoughts drifting to sadness or negativity, stress, anxiety or anything similar. Stop, collect our thoughts, take a few deep breaths, pause in the moment, pray over ourself or our situation, give it to God and move on with our day. Find relief, even if it is temporary until the next time we need to reset. Take as many times as you need and trust that God has got you!
When I first heard this song, I thought how beautiful! A relationship where the couple has each others back and can carry the weight of the world for the other in times of need. Listening to the lyrics today while working I thought this is exactly what God provides for us, we just need to reach out and give our burdens to Him.
Weight of Your World (Johan Fransson, Tim Mikael Larsson, Tobias Lundgren,Chris Stapleton)
I want you to know wherever your road wants to go
I'll never be far, I'll always be right where you are
If you lose your way, your hope is gone
I'll be the light that leads you home
Give me your darkest hour
Give me your deepest fear
Just give me a call and I'll be here
Give me the bars and chains that won't set you free
Give me the weight of your world
And lay it on me
There will come a time
When all the words don't seem to rhyme
Please lean on me until you find the harmony
When it is hard to breathe
When the right seems wrong
I'll be the hand that helps you along
Wherever you go, wherever you've been
Anytime you need a friend
Sincerely, God
Psalm 27
The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
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