Fires of Freedom

I haven't written in awhile. Things have been busy, hectic, nerve raking, and heavy at times but also so much good! My summer was amazing and I can't wait to tell you all about it! But for now weighing heavy on my mind is just what I need to release myself of. 

I feel I am once again finding myself in that space leading up to between the time when my father died 33 years ago and Steve died 5 years ago. The PTSD is real you guys. My body just knows the trauma that I went through. And no matter how much I try to pull my head around it and be grateful for what I have right now at this point in my life, my mind still races.  My mind goes back to all the things that I went through at those two significant points in my life. All the memories,  good and bad thoughts, moments of doubt and trust and "what ifs" that engulfed me. You know what, it is OK! We can't always force ourselves to be happy, find joy or be at peace with what we encountered, but like I always say we also can't stay in those feelings long term. It should only be temporary. That is how we wrap our head around grief that is how we know that we loved and we were loved by them. Grief is love with no where to go and sometimes it winds itself up so tight you feel like you can explode. Sometimes that burst is just what you need to feel a certain amount of freedom and relief. Thank God for the loving and understanding people surrounding you when that explosion occurs! They are the true gems in life holding you up when you want to bury yourself in sorrow. No matter the loss you have experienced, death, divorce, trauma. I think we can all relate. 

Thursday night I was feeling nostalgic and began reading through some of the comments from people when I was posting on a dedicated page on Facebook that a friend of mine created for us around the time that Steve was in the hospital. I came across one of the songs I posted. The one that night that really stood out was "Fires" by Jordan St. Cyr. Yesterday I was on my way to pick up Dixie to go look at an off-grid property that we are getting ready to list and that same song popped on the radio in my car. Instead of crying listening to it like the night before, I smiled to myself. That was my sign that no matter the fire we have to walk through at times, God's mercy and love surround us. Being a Christian doesn't mean that we never have to encounter issues, problems, trauma or grief in this life. It just means we have someone there to carry us through it. 

This may be my shortest blog I have ever written. But I think my purpose is back and there will be more to come as I sift through all the thoughts in my head. 

Excerpt from Fires

I remember how you told me

that life may not be easy

and everything that I need

you've already given me

I remember how you told me

I can trust you completely

so why am I doubting

when you proved that you'd fight for me

You have walked me through fires

pulled me from flames... 

If you are in this with me I won't be afraid.

.. I'm changed by your mercy, covered by your peace