Tough love is painful

I have learned over the years that being a forgiving person is the best type of person I can be. I am easy to forgive and forget and try to move forward not holding a grudge and looking back. We are all humans and will error, sometimes we say things we don't mean, we are just being mean or we are hurting. As a mother I had found it is hard to be quick to forgive my child no matter how hard I really want to. I don't also want to teach him that he can do anything without consequences. Last night was difficult for me. Scenario: He didn't want to eat what we made for dinner. He has eaten the foods before so it was nothing new. He said he didn't like it anymore. My husband grew a little impatient and told him that if he didn't eat it he could go to bed for the rest of the night. He started to whine and cry, tried to put the food in his mouth and immediately spit it out. That was definitely not the right thing to do. He was taken to his room. A little while later he came out but I told him that if he got hungry I saved his dinner. He wanted PBJ (which has always been an alternative to dinner (especially if hubby and I are eating something spicy) but last night as parents we stood our ground. About an hour later he asked for his dinner, I warmed it up and he ate almost all of it. He then asked for a popsicle to which I replied "no he could have something healthier like peaches are yogurt." He chose applesauce. He ate his applesauce and then asked for his left over ice cream from BR a few nights before that was in the freezer. To which I said "not tonight, we are not eating sweets tonight." He looked right at me and said "I hate you mom." (so grown-up like) My heart sank, my 3 year old just told me he hated me. I was super crushed. No mother wants to hear those words, and I definitely didn't expect to hear them this young- teenager maybe! We don't say this in our house and I am not sure where he has learned this hate word. I have heard him say it before about other things and corrected him, but never that he hated his own mother. I immediately told him that we don't say that in our home and he needed to go to his room. He knew he had done wrong and immediately begged forgiveness. I wanted so bad to take him in my arms and tell him that I know that he didn't mean it and to hug and comfort him, at 3 years old I am not even sure he really knows the meaning of the word "hate". But nonetheless, I needed to stand my ground. He did not proceed to his room and his father swatted him on his butt escorted him to his room and talked with him about why we don't say this and what if mommy told you she hated you, how would that make you feel? He was tucked into bed (which is pretty tragic for him anyway since he sleeps on the couch due to being afraid of the "real dinosaurs" that sleep in his room at night- but that is another story). Hubby came out of the room and said that I needed to go in there, my son wanted to tell me something. He apologized and said that he knows that he treated me wrong and will not say that again, I started to cry and told him that he hurt my feelings and that mommy would never tell him that she hated him, that is not something we say in our house and I would never like to hear him say that again. Big red puffy eyes looked back at me with that genuine guilt feeling and I just melted. He asked if I could stay and I told him that I was going to bed and would check on him but that unless he had to go potty he needed to stay in his room. I knew he was super scared, but I knew that with swim lessons and all the other things he did that day, then just crying he would be asleep in no time. I left the dimmed light on and went to bed. Would I have loved to stay until he feel asleep, of course, did I just want him to crawl in bed with me and cuddle? for sure! But I knew that in order for me to discipline with love, understanding but also control, We needed to make sure that he got the point that the behavior he displayed would not be tolerated and that he would have to pay some consequences. Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right- Proverbs 20:11 Although God causes all things to work together for good for His children, He still holds us accountable for our behavior. -Kay Arthur