Weight "less"

So if anyone who knows me over the years- well my whole life in fact I can yo-yo in my weight. I was a pretty skinny kid, late elementary got a little chunky, skinny'd right up in jr. high and gained a bunch of weight after my freshman year when my dad died and pretty much have been up and down since. Moods, stress and life's unexpected circumstances play a huge role in my weight. I am definitely an emotional eater, and an occasional nail biter. Nervous habits I suppose that I really don't "notice" until my nails are chewed down or my clothes become snug. It is something where I just go on autopilot. I take so much control over so many things in my life to make sure that things go the right way, however when it comes to eating I seem to stuff my emotions with whatever food I can get my hands on at times, and at other times I barely eat at all. Talk about messed up metabolism, 1 kid later and over 30.... not too much going for me there. I am one of those women who cares about my public appearance. I very rarely leave the house not put together. Honestly how I put myself together represents a lot about me and whether I take the time and energy into getting ready or caring about myself, reflects how I take care of or handle other areas of my life. When I get ready I feel better, I am more alert and I am more focused, and I am in control. Every time I go up in weight, this last time especially-(even though I am not at my highest weight ever) I still feel frumpy and my body weight is distributed differently than ever before, causing me more stress about my appearance. It is a time during summer that no one wants to publically wear a bathing suit- remember I am very big about how I feel about appearance and I feel that how I look reflects how I am put together and how others perceive me. In all actuality just as I don't judge others, not too many people really care about how I look in a bathing suit, or for that matter even think about. I am my own biggest critic. I feel a huge weight on my shoulders whenever it is time to swim or go in a pool with others- heck I haven't bought a new bathing suit in over 3 years! I am just not comfortable in my skin I suppose. With a 3 year old who loves the water and being in the water, and wants to play in the water, it is hard not to oblige when visiting peoples homes who invite us to swim. This past weekend we went to a going away BBQ at my sister in law's house for some close friends of theirs that were moving. I wanted to be able to swim and enjoy the pool, but do I wear a shirt, do I just go in my clothes and sit in a lawn chair? I am not about to let my tummy roll over my bathing suit bottoms, what if everyone looked at me and said now "why would she wear that? What is she thinking? Did she look in a mirror?" Those are all the things that run through my little head, along with my inner voice, "you need to go on a diet, you need to lose weight, you need to work out every day, stop eating" among other things of self talk. I am sort of frugal when it comes to buying certain things and spending money on a bathing suit that actually fits and makes me feel good when I know you can buy some for $25 or $30 places is hard for me to swallow. In talking to my husband about my bathing suit dilemma and telling him that I needed something that covered my assets (that is what we are calling them), he encouraged me to go buy a suit that fit, "spend the money and get something you will wear," he said. I felt relieved that I had "permission"(not that I needed it) to go spend money on myself (something I often find hard to do). I didn't spend as much as I thought I might and found a suit that was suitable to me and although I will never be a supermodel or turn heads in a crowd, I was comfortable enough to swim with my child, hang out amongst other adults and not feel like I was constantly worried that someone was judging me (even though they probably weren't). The weight I was carrying (not on my body) was lifted allowing me to feel weightless against my inner fears. Psalm 16:7-8 even tells us that God counsels us. "I will praise the Lord who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will never be shaken." Let Him be your rock when you feel unstable or out of control.