Disclaimer: This is my POV, my experience. I am not an expert on this subject or any subject for that matter and I am not giving any advice on anyone else’s situation or experiences. I just write from my experience and my heart.
Often in life we try to compensate for something we have
lost, and at times it is appropriate and other times it might just overwhelm us
more than it should by trying so hard to please everyone else. I started out a
compassionate nurturer, dealing with Steve dying didn’t help how much more
compassionate I got… pushover to say the least. Kids are resilient yes, but currently
how many of us have heard of kids threatening themselves to get attention or to
manipulate what they want? Controlling, button pushing, stretching for things
to go their way. This is a sensitive subject, yes, a lot of people are afraid
to discuss it. Why? Because do any of us know 100% what any kid is capable of
or what is going on in their head, absolutely not! So, we error on the side of
caution so that we can’t blame ourselves or someone else blames us if we are
wrong or if a kid does do something extreme and we didn’t act. Mental health issues have taken over the last
decade or so. Blame it on the environment, GMO’s, latch key kids, social media
or whatever you want, but it is a problem and kids see other kids threaten and
get their way, and they also experience the other extreme where kids are so far
depressed that they take life into their own hands. I would say statistically
the kids who verbalize these threats are not usually the ones who commit the
act, the silent ones do. Either way it isn’t pretty or good for our youth to
experience any of these situations at the rate that they happen now or even
have to toss these ideas in their head or express them out loud.
Why am I bringing this up, why am I pulling you into my
drama? Because I haven’t held back much the last two years. It is so good for
people to understand they are not alone. Every kid is unique, however we can
all learn a little from each other how to deal with the fear of one of our own
committing suicide.
So I have been anxious the last few weeks up to this point 2
weeks ago, I had to have an MRI. A little over a month ago I had a routine
breast scan and thankful that no cancer was found but they thought that maybe
one of my implants was ruptured. After weighing the options, I decided to
schedule the MRI to gather more information before going under the knife again!
If there is no issue, I don’t need unnecessary surgery. There is a lot more
involved in this but just for length purposes, I took this step first. My kid
knew that the day of the MRI was sensitive for me. Why, because even though I
am a firm believer in not worrying until you have something to worry about, it
still weighs on your mind because it is the unknown. So, when the phone rang that
morning and the other end said, hi this is the principal at Paxton’s school, my
heart sank. In a brief second before she explained the reason for the call my
brain scanned about 100 possibilities, NO JOKE. She said I have Paxton in my
office, he says you are aware, but he is failing 3 classes at this time. Saving
you the details, we discussed his recent ADHD diagnosis, his inability to start
taking the medicine he was prescribed until he was cleared by a pediatric
cardiologist and the fact that we couldn’t get into one until December 19th.
I have fought this for a while because I am not a traditional medicine person,
I am all about all natural methods, but sometimes it is just too much, and I
need to try something else for his and my sake. He can’t stay focused in school
or at home unless it is something he is interested in and sometimes even then
he checks out and spaces it. I need something over here, it can be straining.
Single parents… I am telling you now, feeling guilty about
your situation whether it is due to death or divorce or just plain lack of
involvement… try your best not to let your kid run the show, because you feel
guilty. I am not sure if my kid even knows the definition of manipulative, but
he has mastered it… It is so hard; I am telling you first hand. Kids are
resilient but they also learn how to push our buttons and I have been aware of
this for two years and just continue to think the situation will get better, he
will grow out of it and things will fall into place. He starts to things correct,
and then falls back into a guilting me routine. That is not how I want him to
learn, grow and become an adult. It is in my hands to take control and do it
now.
Recently he has been tough, he has been a handful, pushing
my buttons every which way. His age, his
environment, losing his dad… it is a combo of everything. What vital years I am
facing without Steve by my side to be that sounding board, that second voice,
that I was once a 14-year-old teenage boy who wanted to do almost anything else
but be at school. I cannot relate! Who says they hate their life, would be
better off dead and wished they were with their dad… this is the third time in 2+
years he has said this, and it is too much for me to react to. it breaks my heart! If I know my kid
like I do it is a manipulation tactic because he didn’t want to stay for
tutoring after school, failing isn’t his fault, he has ADHD, he has a learning
disability whatever excuse he can have to not take ownership. In no way do I want
him to learn to blame failure or lack of trying on his circumstances. I know he
is not me, but I think to myself look how far I got! Learning by example doesn’t
seem to sink in with him. I want to believe that he would never act upon his
words, he is afraid of the dark per se. However, there is always that part of
you that has no idea if he would be capable of it and isn’t about to want to
find out.
He pressed me all day long to come get him, he was having a
bad day, he needed to be rescued , why would I do this to him, why wouldn’t I
help him, he missed dad, I was a jerk, I was annoying, I didn’t care about him.
After multiple conversations with Mark (who by the way was a 14 year old boy
once and gives me a different perspective as to the inside of one and how to
approach sensitive subjects and for that I am extremely grateful) , my
sister-in-law (who raised two teenage daughters), my dinner guest Lori (who often thinks outside
the box) and his counselor (who is schooled in these situations and also was a
teenage boy once too) , I decided it was best for him to stay at school, go to
tutoring, and ride the after-school activities bus home. My dinner plans at the
house with friends were cancelled, Lori agreed this took precedence and coming would give him an excuse to prolong facing what transpired early in the day. I had to threaten to take him to the 24/7
suicide clinic if he rode the regular bus home. He got nasty and I stayed firm.
When he finally arrived home close to 7:00 (way too long to be on a bus but
plenty of time for him to think) there were lots and lots of tears, I stayed
calm in my voice, many, many things were said between us, but I think we had a
huge breakthrough, communicating feelings is hard but necessary to move forward and grow in any type of relationship, be honest with your feelings, share them before they consume you. He admitted that he is always sad, he can’t seem to find
happiness and when he does, he feels guilty about it. He did tell me he could
never imagine taking his life, he just couldn’t do it, but that doesn’t mean
these thoughts don’t occasionally enter his mind! Believe me I had said things
out of haste as well, I am sure most of us have.
What I can fathom in my 44-year-old brain regarding moving
forward and the difference between that and moving on…knowing that Steve isn’t
coming back, is much different than what his 14-year-old in the moment how can
I possibly see 10 years from now and know everything is going to turn out ok
mind?! We are still here, and his dad wouldn’t want
us to be miserable, in fact if he could talk down from Heaven to us, I think he
would be most proud of us getting up every day enjoying what journey we have left
and finding happiness in the little and big things and fulfilling our purpose.
No one is judging us for being happy (and if they are screw them) we shouldn’t judge
ourselves either! Guilt is a horrible
thing. It robs you of so many pleasures, peace, and harmony.
I have spent the last several months building up to standing
firm with him way more in a lot of situations! Do I have more practice ahead of
me to ensure that I don’t fall back into the guilt-ridden trap of his button
pushing, you betcha! Do I have some of the best support system amongst my
family and friends 100% I do! Do I have to understand that I am not raising a
perfect kid? I do, but I know deep down that all of the experiences we face, we
will face together and it will make me a better mom, person, friend and
companion and it will make him a stronger, wiser, more compassionate and
contributing adult and fingers crossed an amazing husband to some deserving
girl someday, and I can’t wait to see where he goes with life but I am pretty
confident he will do great things.
Now that he gets up in the morning and rides the bus to
school and I no longer tuck him into bed at night, we very often don’t pray or
say what we are thankful for like we used to. The habit has been broken and
consistency is lacking. I have a routine in the morning and at night by myself
and we will say grace before dinner most nights when we eat together but it makes
a difference when we purposely share God in our day with one another. I have
made it a point in the last few weeks to reintroduce this habit. Thanking God
for what we have and the things that we are thankful for just helps us recognize
that the things that we are blessed with far outweigh the things that don’t. 3
things a day isn’t too much to ask. A good exercise to start doing is to take
10 minutes and just write down on a blank paper all the things you are grateful
for from the smallest things that come to mind on up. Concentrating on the
things that you are grateful for rather than your life’s perceived deficiencies
will train your brain to expect more things to be thankful for. You will be
surprised how full that paper really gets when you do this exercise. I have
been keeping a journal of what we say to each other every night to look back
and read all the things at the end of a week to reflect on all the goodness
surrounding us despite the hard times, sadness, or setbacks.
Example from last night
Paxton: That I have good hair (he really does I am jealous), that we got to go to the
extreme bulls, that I got a cool new hat.
Me: For him, that he helped me get down all my Christmas decorations,
and for our friends.
Update on MRI: I have what is called an intracapsular
rupture. Silicon is not freely leaking into my body; no emergency action is
needed but I will take the necessary measures to prevent that from happening in
the future. Not really what I wanted to hear but I am extremely thankful that it
isn’t something worse.
Update on Paxton: He is currently passing all his classes,
and we got his cardiologist appointment for clearance moved up to November 30th.
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 from your cell or 988lifeline.org
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