Have you ever been asked what your biggest fear is? A lot of people fear dying. I am comfortable enough in my faith that I don't fear dying, myself, I fear other people dying. Oh, don't get me wrong, I am completely on board that everyone has a time that they are to be called, everyone has a purpose here on earth and even a mission that once fulfilled they are able to cross over to Heaven and receive their eternal reward, whether it be a few short hours or a hundred years. Why do some people live longer than others? Why do some people have to suffer and others go peacefully in their sleep or die instantly from an accident or injury? I really don't know, and I really don't have the time or energy to figure it out... I just trust that there is a reason. I have had friends and loved ones die after suffering, I have had them die in their sleep with no warning, and tragic accidents.
Is my fear selfish? Yes, it probably is... as a human left here on Earth the concept of that person no longer here with me to talk to, bounce ideas off of, laugh with, share things and love... I ache in my soul for them. My mom lost my dad at the early age of 45, 2 of my friends closer to my age (I am 38 btw) lost their spouses early and almost instantly... no chance to say goodbye, left with children to raise on their own. No one ever expects to lose their life partner at an early age and to be left to pick up the pieces, cope, move on with life and expect to be happy and fulfilled. God has a plan that isn't always our plan... no matter how much we try to prevent things, live a good life or control our circumstances... we just CAN'T.
A few days ago I experienced all the emotions, fears and worry of the thought of losing my spouse. A little trip in the backyard on a piece of pipe sticking up created a fall, a stuck toe, a twisted ankle, a dislocated bone below the knee, anxiety, sweat and finally an unforeseen bout of passing out, when I left the room for less than 60 seconds to fill up a requested glass of water to come back and find him on the bathroom floor hunched over snoring as loud as could be... thoughts raced through my head at an uncontrollable speed, "how did he get from sitting on the edge of the tub to the floor, did he hit his head, was he is a coma, how did a dislocated and scraped knee turn into an unconscious hump on my bathroom floor"... emergency panic mode set in... I shook him to no avail. He wouldn't come to... 'what was I to do?' I ran to my phone in the kitchen, yelled for Paxton who was in his room, tried to calmly (which I sure tried, but sounded like crazy scared mom inside my head coming out) asked Paxton to get on his bike ride to the neighbors and have him come right away, he started to panic, I told him that dad would be fine (while inside I had absolutely no idea if this was true) and that he should pray the whole way to the neighbors.
I dialed 911... while going back into the bathroom finding my husband still unconscious, continuing to shake him, call his name yell at him, whatever it took to bring him back to me and give me the relief that I needed that we could go forward with the plan I had for our life. While talking to at least 3 different people who couldn't understand my address I went from snoring Steve to Steve grasping for a breath and stopping breathing for a split second which seemed like 20 years in my mind. I was getting ready to lay him down on the floor to see if I needed to give him CPR when he started to shake slightly, again thoughts raced through my mind... "is he having a stroke, is he having a seizure?" I had no idea. I was a CNA for a short period of time so I have a little medical knowledge but when it is a loved one I think sometimes all your knowledge goes out of your head, and I was still in the middle of yelling at 911 who couldn't figure out my address... "don't phones have GPS location these days! GEEZ." My husband can look at products on Amazon on his desktop computer and somehow they pop up as ads on my cell phone through Facebook or when I google something for crying out loud... how does that happen and 911 can't figure out where I am! I NEEDED them to just know where I was and come STAT!
As he was shaking I realized his shaking was bringing him back to me not setting him further out of my grasp. (for those of you concerned, passing out is some people's body's way of coping with trauma or shock.) I had never had someone pass out on me before, especially since I left the room briefly I had no idea what I was experiencing, all I knew as it didn't look good. I didn't feel good, but I needed to stay calm and sane. I was relieved and scared all wrapped up into one package. In hindsight I got the fact that him passed out made him snore and having sleep apnea caused the deep loud scary snore and moments of him not breathing. He woke knowing where he was, what day it was and what happened to him... he also said he was dreaming... Geez dreaming, he was experiencing LALA land as I was freaking out! WHAT?! But racing through my mind was the immediate fear and thoughts of an accidental trip and fall in our backyard would lead to some complication or the worst fear I have someone else's death. I am not ready for that, I am not prepared to go through this at this stage in my life, but who is? Not my mother at 45, not my 2 friends who lost their spouses in their 30's with children to raise. I have experienced a lot of death in my life, I have come to terms with losing a best girlfriend to cancer when I was 10, my father, grandfather and godfather when I was 14 all within 4 months of each other, friends, all my grandparents and my mom... I am no stranger to death but I also never seem ready for it. Never prepared and always the fear lingers in the back on my mind what happens next. So yes, that is my greatest fear.... loosing my loved ones.
It is amazing how a small little trip and fall can turn into having such a huge milestone in my life one to make me love and appreciate this man so much more. To be grateful for even the hard times, the annoying attributes, the differences we have as well as the love we share, the friendship we have, the understanding, the commitment and the ability to remember to make it fun, enjoy the small things, take the time each day to touch each other in a loving way, give compliments, laugh at your mistakes hug longer, don't be in such a rush, don't let the little things bother you and choose to be happy! Enjoy the people you love as if it is the last you will see them... it just might be.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. Colossians 3:14
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
My biggest Fear!
Have you ever been asked what your biggest fear is? A lot of people fear dying. I am comfortable enough in my faith that I don't fear dying, myself, I fear other people dying. Oh, don't get me wrong, I am completely on board that everyone has a time that they are to be called, everyone has a purpose here on earth and even a mission that once fulfilled they are able to cross over to Heaven and receive their eternal reward, whether it be a few short hours or a hundred years. Why do some people live longer than others? Why do some people have to suffer and others go peacefully in their sleep or die instantly from an accident or injury? I really don't know, and I really don't have the time or energy to figure it out... I just trust that there is a reason. I have had friends and loved ones die after suffering, I have had them die in their sleep with no warning, and tragic accidents.
Is my fear selfish? Yes, it probably is... as a human left here on Earth the concept of that person no longer here with me to talk to, bounce ideas off of, laugh with, share things and love... I ache in my soul for them. My mom lost my dad at the early age of 45, 2 of my friends closer to my age (I am 38 btw) lost their spouses early and almost instantly... no chance to say goodbye, left with children to raise on their own. No one ever expects to lose their life partner at an early age and to be left to pick up the pieces, cope, move on with life and expect to be happy and fulfilled. God has a plan that isn't always our plan... no matter how much we try to prevent things, live a good life or control our circumstances... we just CAN'T.
A few days ago I experienced all the emotions, fears and worry of the thought of losing my spouse. A little trip in the backyard on a piece of pipe sticking up created a fall, a stuck toe, a twisted ankle, a dislocated bone below the knee, anxiety, sweat and finally an unforeseen bout of passing out, when I left the room for less than 60 seconds to fill up a requested glass of water to come back and find him on the bathroom floor hunched over snoring as loud as could be... thoughts raced through my head at an uncontrollable speed, "how did he get from sitting on the edge of the tub to the floor, did he hit his head, was he is a coma, how did a dislocated and scraped knee turn into an unconscious hump on my bathroom floor"... emergency panic mode set in... I shook him to no avail. He wouldn't come to... 'what was I to do?' I ran to my phone in the kitchen, yelled for Paxton who was in his room, tried to calmly (which I sure tried, but sounded like crazy scared mom inside my head coming out) asked Paxton to get on his bike ride to the neighbors and have him come right away, he started to panic, I told him that dad would be fine (while inside I had absolutely no idea if this was true) and that he should pray the whole way to the neighbors.
I dialed 911... while going back into the bathroom finding my husband still unconscious, continuing to shake him, call his name yell at him, whatever it took to bring him back to me and give me the relief that I needed that we could go forward with the plan I had for our life. While talking to at least 3 different people who couldn't understand my address I went from snoring Steve to Steve grasping for a breath and stopping breathing for a split second which seemed like 20 years in my mind. I was getting ready to lay him down on the floor to see if I needed to give him CPR when he started to shake slightly, again thoughts raced through my mind... "is he having a stroke, is he having a seizure?" I had no idea. I was a CNA for a short period of time so I have a little medical knowledge but when it is a loved one I think sometimes all your knowledge goes out of your head, and I was still in the middle of yelling at 911 who couldn't figure out my address... "don't phones have GPS location these days! GEEZ." My husband can look at products on Amazon on his desktop computer and somehow they pop up as ads on my cell phone through Facebook or when I google something for crying out loud... how does that happen and 911 can't figure out where I am! I NEEDED them to just know where I was and come STAT!
As he was shaking I realized his shaking was bringing him back to me not setting him further out of my grasp. (for those of you concerned, passing out is some people's body's way of coping with trauma or shock.) I had never had someone pass out on me before, especially since I left the room briefly I had no idea what I was experiencing, all I knew as it didn't look good. I didn't feel good, but I needed to stay calm and sane. I was relieved and scared all wrapped up into one package. In hindsight I got the fact that him passed out made him snore and having sleep apnea caused the deep loud scary snore and moments of him not breathing. He woke knowing where he was, what day it was and what happened to him... he also said he was dreaming... Geez dreaming, he was experiencing LALA land as I was freaking out! WHAT?! But racing through my mind was the immediate fear and thoughts of an accidental trip and fall in our backyard would lead to some complication or the worst fear I have someone else's death. I am not ready for that, I am not prepared to go through this at this stage in my life, but who is? Not my mother at 45, not my 2 friends who lost their spouses in their 30's with children to raise. I have experienced a lot of death in my life, I have come to terms with losing a best girlfriend to cancer when I was 10, my father, grandfather and godfather when I was 14 all within 4 months of each other, friends, all my grandparents and my mom... I am no stranger to death but I also never seem ready for it. Never prepared and always the fear lingers in the back on my mind what happens next. So yes, that is my greatest fear.... loosing my loved ones.
It is amazing how a small little trip and fall can turn into having such a huge milestone in my life one to make me love and appreciate this man so much more. To be grateful for even the hard times, the annoying attributes, the differences we have as well as the love we share, the friendship we have, the understanding, the commitment and the ability to remember to make it fun, enjoy the small things, take the time each day to touch each other in a loving way, give compliments, laugh at your mistakes hug longer, don't be in such a rush, don't let the little things bother you and choose to be happy! Enjoy the people you love as if it is the last you will see them... it just might be.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. Colossians 3:14
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
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