Who killed Fuzzy?

I never thought I could cry so hard over a dead caterpillar.. Seriously... what a crazy tragic event yesterday. Let me take you back. Yesterday morning Steve found this cute little caterpillar in our flower bed at our cabin. Of course Paxton couldn't wait to put him in his little bug jar and transfer him to a home complete with sticks and leaves for his enjoyment. He was super excited like a kid can get. He had a new pet, he even named him Fuzzy. He and his grandpa discussed how caterpillars spin into a cocoon and become butterflies. Paxton noted that caterpillars are kids like him and then he grows into an adult and so does a caterpillar when it becomes a butterfly. His plan was to bring him home, have him sleep in his room and then transfer him to our hibiscus plant to get ready to transfer into a butterfly. We stopped at DQ on the way home for lunch and he asked me to put Fuzzy in the front so the dogs didn't bother him. It was cloudy when we parked and I put him on the dash.... to my detriment after 20 minutes at DQ when we got back Fuzzy didn't make it... UGH! Seriously I killed the caterpillar. Paxton was so upset, poking it, moving the container trying to get it awake. He even suggested maybe he was sleeping or getting ready to make a cocoon and just not responsive... ummm... no sorry babe, Fuzzy is dead! I was so upset that I put him on the dash... Why didn't I just take him to DQ with us? Why did I put him in the window instead of on the floor? What in the heck was this mama thinking! How dumb! What an idiot... man did my inner self talk start exploding in my head and I even think said out loud how stupid I was! What a horrible trait to have and pass along to your kid.. the constant negative talk and putting myself down as if I wasn't a human being and should be perfect! Right?! How many of you have done something remotely dumb and beat yourself up over it? Paxton and I were in tears... I can't even imagine what Steve was thinking driving as he didn't really say much and just let us both cry... over a caterpillar... OMG! Paxton fell asleep and I continued to battle my issues in my head... when he woke up I asked if he was still mad at me... he said no, I didn't realize until later he was blaming himself and he was beating himself up for being a horrible pet owner... He said he has killed beetles, ants and fire flies he has caught... he was telling me he was a bad person, it was all his fault and he couldn't take care of them and keep them alive... he insisted he was an awful person... Way to go mom I thought... wonder where he learned this behavior! Wow what a check... mamas.... I know that we often feel like we should be perfect, we shouldn't make mistakes but when we do and we display how mad we are at ourselves and create these perfect expectations that we cannot always live up to, we are reflecting this behavior on to our children who are like little sponges looking up to us and wanting to be like us.. so if we are constantly negative talking to ourselves whether inner or outwardly... our child is taking note.. and you better believe is developing these same behaviors! What a crazy wake up call this was to know that my child thinks he is a killer at 7 years old... what will the next 20+ years of damage due to his self esteem! I need to take a hold now and be a better role model to him, give myself a break- be human make mistakes and move on! This was a caterpillar what if it was something a tad more serious- what would the focus be then? We can always strive to be better people everyday of our lives, but we also need to be kind to the person where it matters the most! Yourself! Paxton went to bed ( we actually argued over who killed Fuzzy ( I wanted to take the blame so my kid didn't think he was a bug murderer!)) thinking he was a horrible person... we prayed about it and he woke up this morning still sad. I reminded him that these cute little living creatures are wild an survive in an environment that is right for them. When you take something out of their normal environment and try to make it survive, sometimes it is a struggle, sometimes it doesn't work out and that is not what God intended for them. Bugs lives are short lived and Fuzzy's was a little shorter than most probably who had the chance to become a butterfly. His adaption skills were not developed enough to become a beautiful butterfly in Paxton's controlled environment! Lesson learned bugs are cute to look at, fun to catch but are not pets and we risk them dying when we take them out of their familiar environment, the one they are intended to pursue and thrive in... I am looking forward to a bible study this summer concerning this very same issue! Me, Myself and Lies.... and how to cope with our inner struggle and negative self talk that steals our self confidence and rips away our self esteem by beating ourselves up! I am sure once I read this book and follow the study for 5 weeks I will have much more insight to write about. For now, remember... be kind to yourself! It is more important than you think!