I spent half of last
night crying my eyes out, stuck in my head again talking the talk that drives
me crazy but is so easy to fall into the trap of doing. “ how stupid could you
be, why didn’t you check the box, why did you throw trash on top, why didn’t
you dump everything out before taking it outside, why are you so stupid, why are
you so dumb" and all the crazy things I say to myself when I get mad at myself. I went to bed with a stuffed-up nose and
headache feeling exhausted and like I failed AGAIN! Super productive closing to a otherwise normal and happy day.
How often does this happen,
the day is going great, wonderful, things are moving right along and then BAM- I
do something stupid that I totally could have controlled. As a wife, mom, friend,
businesswomen I somehow am so hard on myself and have expectations that I just
cannot always meet. I do many things, sometimes too many, but have said yes for
so long it is hard to stop and slow down.And when a family member has to point out that maybe you should add one more thing to your plate, the guilt of my busyness just sinks in! It is a constant battle all the time
to take my time, be more thorough and a little less “lazy”. But sometimes it is hard to fit it all in or I am just tired and not as young as I used to be.
I do need to remind myself that just because I
do stupid things, I am not stupid. I am also trying to focus on not displaying
putting myself down in front of my child who I am trying to protect from
creating this bad habit himself…which I am starting to see and it pains me to watch and try to correct it when he often sees it displayed and honestly guys it is so hard to keep myself in check! I do not want
him to suffer with this battling inner negative self talk as I do and have for so many years, People think I have my shit together and honestly I try hard to portray that I do most of the time- but I think we all do this- we all fall into the
trap of putting our-self down for our mistakes. I am not perfect I never will be and I might as well share that I am just a hot mess as any of the rest.
Last week Paxton got the catcher’s gear we ordered, and the
box had been setting in my living room… I hate clutter and wanted to get the
box outside, I asked Paxton to put it in the garage, later I had put a bag of
trash and frozen pizza boxes on top which signified to Steve it was garbage to
set the whole thing out for garbage day yesterday! He happened to be off yesterday and helpful, cleaning my kitchen, vacuuming the whole house while I worked! On any other occasion I would have been so grateful and I was but then I was like why did he have to take out that box?? ! Oh, why oh why could I have
not taken that trash straight out to the ummmm trash can the other night! Why did I have to toss it in the box?
UGH.. I didn’t
realize under the plastic bag and packing stuff from the gear were 2 pads that
were pertinent to the chest protector. I had grabbed the two red things I saw
laying at the top of the box out the day before but didn’t bother to dig through
the box before asking Paxton to remove it from my living room floor. At glance I didn't notice anything else of importance in there! I normally
break boxes down before I throw them in the trash but apparently there was enough
room and Steve being helpful yesterday morning just threw the box trash, pads
and all right into our dumpster.
Was it an accident? Well yes by definition, anything that
isn’t intentional to me is an accident, but most of the time accidents can be
prevented and that is when it takes the biggest toll on your mind and it races
with what you could have, should have and didn’t do to have prevented it. This brand
new, very expensive item that I now have to try and replace a small portion of
it with out spending the money for the whole thing not only is a waste of my
money, if I can’t get the two missing pads and a waste of my time trying to get it, making calls and begging for favors when I could be being productive doing something else.
Sometimes the things I do to save myself time end up being the
things that cost more time, effort, negative energy and headache than if I
would have looked through the box- left it in my house until I broke it down
and completely cleared it out or took the 1 small bag of trash I threw on top of
the box, 15 more feet out the garage door and into the dumpster, yep, that
would have been the right choice, maybe not the late at night just set it out
the garage door into the house I will get it on my next trip out the garage
kind of lazy attitude that at the time felt like a great choice!
I know that life is a learning experience but sometimes the
costs are great and so avoidable. Climbing inside my head telling myself how
stupid I am because that is the way I am feeling, doesn’t really make it
better, it doesn’t make the pads come back, erase the situation or have me go
back in time to do over – in creating that hostile attacking environment in my mind it just
causes more stress, ailments and emotional exhaustion… so why is it so easy to
do? Somehow someway it makes me feel better for a split second that I can blame
my stupidity and relieves the pain of something that I caused. I am not sure
how to explain it, but I know I am not the only one who attacks myself quietly
and verbally because of my inadequacies. But it takes twice as much time to
build that self-talk back into a positive spirit, once you are in repair mode! Self-confidence,
self esteem and self-worth can be broken down in a lot less time than it takes
to build it back up.
Try to correct your inner thoughts the minute they start to
go south, as the attack is huge, and the recovery can be long. A person is
way more important than a thing, even when money is involved or pride of
ownership is considered. As a human, we make mistakes, sometimes they are huge
at the time and trivial in the grand scheme of things –no matter what they seem like in the moment- especially as time goes
on when you can’t even remember what you got so upset about. Have you ever fought with someone and then a while later honestly can't remember what the fight was about no matter how hard you try? Negative self-talk is like fighting with yourself and then not even remembering what you got so upset with yourself in the first place down the road when looking back! Yet the vast
reality at the time it is happening to you is so major because you are living it
in that moment. Hard as it might be while you are experiencing the setback,
trying to consider the long-term effects, take a few deep breaths, walk-away,
occupy your mind with something else and ease up on yourself- you might just be
glad you did.
Former First Lady Barbara Bush said
"Nobody is perfect,
look for the good in others, forget the rest"
I want to add and
"start with you...
Forgive yourself."
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