Fast forward to yesterday. Paxton practically begged us to stay home from school citing he was super tired and just wanted to sleep, the night before we stayed up late watching Cobra Kai (may I say this is really a show with super cheesy acting and a story-line that in most circumstances isn't even believable reality- but we are addicted to it now!) Nevertheless, he went to school- begging me that he just wanted me to turn around the whole 6 minute drive. He even broke his mask playing with it- luckily I had more! 3 minutes after I dropped him off he text me to come pick him up and continued to text me 12 times between 7:54-9:40. I think he even went to the bathroom in both his first 2 classes to text me so he didn't get in trouble in class. There have been plenty of days he didn't want to go to school, but this reaching out from school was new to me. He kept insisting he just wanted to spend the day with me!
I asked if there was anything going on in school that was bothering him? He insisted not. And then your mom mind plays tricks on you. What if I let him stay in school and there is a bomb threat, someone shoots the school up in the afternoon, he gets beat up at lunch, he gets hurt at lunch and can't play in his tournament this weekend and if I don't pick him up and something happens will I never forgive myself??? Some of you may say this is ridiculous for sure and honestly I agree with that.
Yep, I am that mom! As positive as I want to be, sometimes our innner thoughts are prepared for the worst senario possible. It is a fight or flight mode. No one wants their kid hurting. I discussed it with Steve and we agreed he could come home but wasn't allowed to do anything but school work and chores.
I called the school to pick him up, I even asked about him talking to the psychologist- (seriously my mind was jumping to conclusions of the worst case senario!) they offered for him to talk to the Dean. I let them know I wanted to get to the bottom of what was wrong first and I would get back to them on that one. I didn't want to unecessarily make him talk to someone if there wasn't a need.
Back in the fall when they went back to school he had a few issues with some kids in his class teasing him about a particular girl and we were able to talk through that and it blew over... in the mind of a child it was a BIG DEAL- to a momma who experieced this being a kid once, my advise and reasoning overruled his frustration and anxiety. Mom for the win! If I could simply "fix" his issue again it wouldn't be necessary to pull in external sources.
I picked him up right at 10:00, in my pajamas with a wet head from just getting out of the shower. As soon as we got outside he started crying. He said mom I just wanted to be with you today. I miss Bushie (my mom) and I have been thinking about her for the last few days! Oh my gosh you guys, it hit me! Just because we don't point out a date, doesn't mean that something doesn't happen inside us or come over us with a veil of memory of sadness during the time that we experienced the sad! He knew what this week was, he remembered the sadness we all went through when my mom was sick and died 8 days before her birthday, it was probably the hardest 2 weeks of my adult life.
Some may say that Paxton was only 5 when my mom died, but she pretty muched raised him for the first 3 years of his life while I worked full time and did real estate on the side, they were best buds, she saw him almost every day, when I went back into Real Estate full time, she even watched him everyday so I could work! They had a routine. We were with her everyday when she got sick, she lived with us before she died and she died in our home. That is a lot for a little kid to experience, but it is also a bond that he will never forget and I denied him the opportunity on Friday to celebrate her memory because I didn't want to cause him any "sadness".
You better believe I balled my eyes out with him on the way home! I said I was ok, but was I really? Did I too just need a good cry and I was trying to brush it under the rug so to speak in order to avoid the sadness? I am a firm believer that she wouldn't want us to be sad. I told him that we cannot live our lives sad over the loss of someone or something, but that it is ok to be sad for a bit and then go back to being the positive people we are, living our lives for whatever God has intended because he isn't finished with us yet. We have a purpose (maybe some of us will never know what it is) and if we are still here he is still working in us to fulfill whatever that might be. Her job on Earth was done and it was ok for her to leave and be reunited with my dad. She knew that me and my little family would be ok. She did her job right and I turned out pretty ok I think. We cannot live our lives in despair and ugliness because not only would she want us to be happy, we are still needed for something here!
Again, it is ok to be sad for a short while, if we didn't experience this emotion we wouldn't be human but we cannot dwell in negativity, it isn't good for us or anyone else.
I had a list of things to do, but we took the rest of the day and went to lunch at Red Robin, got a Krispy Kreme and went shopping for Steve's birthday present and even had time to jump on the tramp together at home before baseball practice, which is probably what we should have done on Friday. Was there other things we could have gotten done yesterday? Did I have a list of tasks I needed to accomplish, were any of them pressing? Nope! , could he have sat in class and gotten new instruction and finished assignments so that he didn't have work to make up? Sure thing! But we took that break, and it made all the difference.
With a new pact that we will CELEBRATE Bushie every year, instead of pushing our sadness aside we agreed that this would help us remember and cope with our inner feelings instead of ignoring them.
I know if is hard for a lot of us to be spontaneous at times, but sometimes you just need to take the break, whether a few hours or a whole day and confront your sadness, anxiety or fears to be able to fully move on and not harbor your feelings that may arise from holding it in or bottling it up and then one day exploding to something so intense that could have been handled with a short, quick acknowledgement.
I know life has no guarantees, but I do guarantee that everyone reading this will be around to see tomorrow, so stop, take the break and get back to your reguarly scheduled life... tomorrow! A 1 day break will probably be more beneficial than any amount of time a breakdown will cause from ignoring your feelings or bottling them up!
You have heard about quality time and quantity time, your family needs both. - Mary Prince.
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