30 years ago today I was the same age as my son is now, 11. I woke up in the morning and went to school just like any other kid. When I came home my parents were waiting for me with an invite to talk on the couch, I remember before I even sat down I looked at my mom and said " she died, didn't she? Jesus took her to Heaven." I don't know what happened next but the little girl, my best friend that I grew up with over the past 10 years was gone. We were inseparable at times at one of our houses or the other, biking, rollerskating, ice skating, playing tag, swimming, her grandma would watch me after school when my parents were working- that relationship was gone forever in my physical world, but the bond remained, the feeling and memories remained even to this day. We were besties for sure. 3 years previously she had fell off her bike, and hit her head, just to find out that she had brain cancer. I watched her struggle with Chemo and surgeries, side effects and limited energy for that period of time with more spunk, life and a postitive attitude than anyone I have met since , whether an adult or child. Visiting her at the hospital she gave more encouragement to those doctors and nurses than I think she received. To say she influenced my life in great ways would be an understatement. I can say confidently she helped shape me into the person I am today. She was an angel sent to do a job that didn't require her to be here long, but whatever her purpose I can truly say I am sure it was fulfilled. And I think of her courage often when I just want to throw in the towel at things that happen in my life today.
Fast Forward to 2015. I woke up that morning knowing the date, with a Mother who was living at my home, very sick since right before Christmas, she had fell that week and cut her head open on my kitchen floor which landed her in the ER, the cut on her head was healing, the rest of her body was not. Even the Hospice Nurse couldn't believe the progress of this rather deep wound. She tried not to complain, she kept going often times when it was too much for her for years prior. We didn't know the extend of her invasion until 5-6 months early, but I am sure the cancer crept in well before that. I woke up with an inner peace, I knew her time was up, and I was ok with that knowing that she would be happier rejoining my dad after 22 years by herself. I read her the book of Matthew at her bedside, the one that I read my dad years earlier on the day of his death. It was bittersweet to me to be able to be a part of both of their passing (not everyone, especially this past year gets this opportunity or experience) My uncle was visiting at the time, one of her sisters had visited a few months prior and she spoke to the other on the phone just the day before, she was at peace with them and she knew that my little family of 3 would be ok and that I was ok to let her go.
My mom was always my biggest cheerleader. She pumped me up from when I was very little that I remember. She always made me feel like the most important thing in her life. She was told that she may not be able to have kids by several doctors and when she did I changed her world. She became my best friend after my dad passed away when I was in high school... we didn't live without our conflict- believe me we didn't always mesh, we could scream some hateful words on occassion but it never put a wedge between our bond. The little time I had with her on this earth compared to others who have broken relationships with their mom, no mom at all or ones who may have abandoned them, I wouldn't trade my relationship, any little arguments or spats or feeling like she was being unfair at all for what we shared.
She helped shape me into who I am, her encouragement, her dedication to me, her sacrifices she made to make sure I had a good life and good education no matter what little money we had showed her love, a love so strong that an outsider looking in may be jealous. Sometimes she was so proud of me it made me uncomfortable when she spoke to others as if I was this perfect little girl! By far that is not the truth.
This post is not meant to belittle anyone whose relationship with their mother did not develop this way. It is just a time for me to acknowledge these 2 beautiful souls who touched my life in ways that I could never fully explain. As I sit here writing this with tears streaming down my face it makes me even more encouraged in a world that has been turned upside for many over the past year! The world can be an evil place but I know that you can create your own happy, you can control your own attitude despite your circumstances, you can choose to be a light to others even in the darkness and you can spread love, joy, peace and kindness to others if you choose, and most of the time when doing so you are helping yourself through your inner or outer struggle as well. Love, cheer, joy, laughter and happiness can be contagious.
Take it from this little girl going through a big adult thing.. she couldn't control her circumstances, they were given to her, she didn't ask for them. None of us conciously ASK for bad to happen to us, for evil to creep in and take over, for fear or tradegy... it is just part of this life here on Earth, our gateway to better things. She could only control how she reacted, how she chose to live her short life and how she chose to make others feel with her bubbly personality no matter how bad she felt making others feel good I can only imagine made her in turn get through her battles. And you and I can only control the same.
So next time we are quick to say life isn't fair, to fret all day over a broken nail, a fender bender, a cold, an argument with a loved one, an unfair situation, or even something a bit more elevated, just remember it isn't what we are given, it is how we choose to react and how we choose to move forward that can make all the difference in the outcome of our future. Today I can choose to be sad and live a poor me day or I can choose to be happy I choose happy, YOU get to choose, I hope you choose happy.
Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness
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