Weekend Recovery

 

This weekend seemed to prove overall enjoyable for me. We were able to escape the heat of the valley and head up to our cabin for a long weekend. Time with family and friends. A little peace, relaxation and rejuvenation are always good for the soul. I ended up hosting 5 boys (to sleep) ages 11-18 and I tell you what, they can be loud, obnoxious, and rough with one another. No one got seriously hurt (well maybe a couple scratches and hurt feelings a few times) but all in all, they got to be boys and I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. They fished, swam, rode ATV’s, bikes and side by sides, played games, horseshoes, corn hole, football, hit some softballs, saw Top Gun, ate lots of food and watched our friends play 3 softball games in an adult tournament and celebrated their victory! The weather was perfect despite the lack of rain and lots of pollen, my truck seriously looked completely yellow at one point and I had to use my windshield wipers just to get it off to see to drive. Claritin to the rescue.

We had a lot of people up among the 4 family owned properties and 2 lots on our street. I was sort of anticipating having some anxiety over the weekend. I have never been a fan of crowds. ( I can make it work but I hate Disneyland and the Fair, LOL)  I am definitely a more low-key intimate setting kind of girl. Yes, we have hosted parties at our home for years, and I love to entertain, however my comfortability level actually lies in a smaller setting.

As an example, I came from a really small high school. My whole entire school 6-12^th grade was only around 700 students. My graduating class was the largest at the time of 131 graduates. When I came to Arizona to ASU in 1997 one of my classes was an auditorium of over 200 students in one class. I am not known to be a very anxious person, but that seriously overwhelmed me. This may be surprising to a lot of people as I definitely come across to most as a friendly and social person.

On Sunday everyone who was up came to our cabin as Paxton wanted to bury some of Steve’s ashes in the cluster of trees, which houses some of my mom’s ashes along with both of Steve and I’s first 2 dogs who passed away. There are painted rocks that mark the spot and he wanted to feel the sense that Steve was there always. In the almost 24 years Steve and I have been together we had owned that cabin for 20+, it was as much his as my mom and I’s.  Paxton also has another vial that he will spread at Roosevelt Lake at some point when he is ready.  Steve’s Aunt led us is prayer, his Uncle said a few words and a friend closed in prayer. It was a somber moment but a reflection of life and a necessary step as Paxton and I move forward with whatever God has planned for our lives. I am grateful to everyone who came and everyone who wanted to celebrate a life that in our minds was taken too soon.

I could have stayed up there for another week but knew that we had to get back to the valley for a few days to prepare to go to Indiana next week, the trip we had delayed from March. This time I have only good feelings about going, I have someone to stay at my house and watch my animals the whole time and I feel confident even though I will be missing some crucial work moments that I have plenty of help to fill in for me while we are gone. I look forward to the time with my family and the time that Paxton will have to enjoy fishing, playing in the woods and receiving the love and attention that our family will give him. I feel like this is more the right time to go then 2 months ago and that the experience will bring both of us peace and preparation for the upcoming school year, activities that Paxton wants to be involved in and me fully getting back into the swing of work, life and being fully focused on the tasks at hand with joy and peace in my heart.

When we got home last night Paxton cleaned out his duffle bag (that used to be Steve’s) and brought me a note that was shoved in the corner of one of the pockets. It had obviously been there for a long time and was never discovered before. The paper was ripped the ink had bled some from getting wet at one point and there was no date. It was a note (I had written lots of notes over the years to Steve, in his lunch bag, when he went on a trip, just because- I am a writer remember that is how I express my feelings most of the time, I am not always good with verbal words.) He must have gone on a fishing trip, probably to Lake Powell without the both of us as I signed it Dani and Paxton. Although I will not post the entire note here it must have been a time in our marriage again that wasn’t “perfect”. One line stated Enjoy yourself, take this time to escape your everyday worries and anxieties and soak in the beautiful natural creations God has given you to enjoy while you fish.

I teared up as I read the words on the tattered note Paxton handed me. I asked if he read it and he said he did, as he noticed I signed it with his name at the bottom as well when he unfolded it. I was okay with that because I want him to know that life gives us ups and downs and if we are committed to a goal, a relationship or a task at hand, we give it 100%, we fight not to give up and we enjoy all the beauty and blessings this life has to offer us while we complete our purpose before we can enjoy eternal life in the next.

 I felt that this letter was presented to me to read at just the right time. I just wrapped up a nice weekend where I enjoyed myself immensely despite missing him extremely. Nothing in this life is going to be perfect. We cannot always have control of our circumstances or what is thrown our way. Time doesn’t stop for what we are experiencing. We can only control how we react and how much we let our situation dictate our pathway of our future.

If you are experiencing a struggle, setback, or heartache… just know it is normal, this life isn’t meant to be perfect, easy, or fun all the time. Make the most of it, find the silver lining and look forward to the reward in the next life. God is bigger than any difficulty we face, and he is always there, even if our prayers don’t get answered the way we want them to.

 

Isaiah ends Chapter 40 with this encouragement: “But those who trust in the Lᴏʀᴅ will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31).