Follow that curve in your road

 

It has been a crazy whirlwind few weeks. From Steve’s princess going missing for absolutely no apparent reason that we can think of except maybe fireworks, wracking our brains why, where, how, when exactly, and making ourselves sick over trying to get her back. No leads, so much desert and farmland, thousands of posts and shares, lost pet sites, organizations that try to help find your lost pet, scam texts, and glimpses of hope with pictures of found pets sent that were not her, lots of flyers, door knocking, shelter calls and visits and even droning the area all around us for any sign of her. There were a few days there that I struggled with deep emotions, what ifs and best- and worst-case scenarios. I cried for 3 days straight, pretty much at the mention of her name.  To be honest, I don’t have the warm fuzzy feeling that she will ever return, and my gut is a pretty powerful indicator of my spiritual connection or the universe telling me what’s up.

 Everyone thinks she is so pretty and is probably living it up in someone’s cozy air-conditioned home. My gut says she isn’t. She doesn’t have that personality. She reminded me a lot of Steve. She didn’t just let anyone in her circle. She warmed up to you and was your friend when she was ready and when she trusted the person. When someone new came over while Ryker was bubbly and craving for attention, she was 30 ft away assessing the new person. I have a few neighbors that don't even like to let her out for me. She hated our previous pool guy and was very skeptical about a few people who have visited our home and has been much more on guard for Paxton and I since Steve died. She didn’t like to be touched when she was sleeping and would often growl at people, or act like she would nip you, even Steve sometimes and she was his baby. I remember when she was very young not to long after we got her, one night she bit Steve when he tried to approach her, I will tell you she never made that mistake again.

I don’t see that she willingly went with someone unless she was in super distress and as many of us that went on the search multiple days in a row for no one to see her makes me think she is far away or out there in the wild somewhere, doing her thing or lying dead somewhere from the heat and lack of water source or an encounter with another animal. That is my gut, but after listening to several people’s stories about pets returned, weeks, months and even years later, I will hold that little hope that one day maybe I’ll see her again, but I am not going to move forward with my life obsessing over her whereabouts or chasing dead ends making myself sick or unhappy. I know that I and others still look for her every time we get in the car and drive anywhere from the vicinity of my house and beyond. There is always hope she could still be found I guess, or that is what we want deep in our heart for sure. That story of us reunited. 

Friday someone posted a dog and from far away it looked so similar or I wanted it to (you really had to blow up the photo). I got so excited, and the adrenaline rush was enough to make me so high that when it wasn’t her and I crashed, I literally felt exhausted and overwhelmed with sadness all over again. I just can’t obsess over finding her, no matter how special or how important she is to Paxton and I and was to Steve and others that loved her, it tears me up inside but my goal in life right now is to try to live every day that I have to the fullest, in the present and with as little stress as possible. They say stress can cause many health-related problems and since I have 2 parents who in my opinion died too soon in life (54 and 66) I want to do everything I can to make certain that I take care of myself the best that I can with what is in my control and to be here for all the significant events in my son’s life. 

I took a shower and laid down in my bed to just rest for a few minutes truly exhausted from the adrenaline rush earlier in the day. I feel asleep for what seemed like a few seconds, I woke up startled after a brief dream that Steve opened my bedroom door and asked why are you napping in a tone as if it were a silly thing to do. My heart rushed but the more I thought about it the more I was connected enough to feel he was saying to me… get up go with your friends this is not the end of the world if you are still in it, Don’t allow missing her or me to stop you from actually living your life to its fullest. That may be a lot from a brief dream but if you had the conversations we had when he lived you would understand. 

I got to a low enough point last week that Paxton was telling me that everything would be ok, that we love her but need to live our lives. I know he is hurting too, so for him to be brave and consoling me, he is far beyond his almost 13 years for sure. When you experience loss like we have you have 2 choices, grow up fast in the right direction or live in misery and make wrong choices that lead you down a path of destruction not only for you but a lot of those on your path. When he told me that he has heard so many stories of people doing “bad things” and he was concerned that I was so sad that I might do something to myself, my heart literally sank. Was I THAT sad in his eyes? Was it just my crying? Did I choose words that would give him this impression? Or is he just a worrier and has experienced so much loss for a 12-year-old he doesn’t know what else to think for fear of losing me too! We are going to go with the latter.

For those of you reading this I will reassure you just like I did him, in my 43 years with all the loss and crazy things in my life, ups and downs, losing people, properties, financial issues, hiccups, and trials and tribulations, I have never once “lost” my faith (doubted yes- but not lost) or considered killing myself- EVER. With this said, no one must add me to their watch list… I promise you that. After quickly praying I chose the right words to reassure him, I wasn’t leaving him on my own accord at anytime and that although I know these things may at times cross his mind because he is afraid to lose me too, there are things he can do to combat those thoughts and we went over them. I never want him to be afraid to talk to me or ask me things, EVER. He is a super sensitive kid like his mom, very caring of others and a nurturer with a caretaker soul, he just wants to make everything better for me. He is truly a blessing to me.

A friend of mine who is going through some battles of her own said something to me the other day that struck a chord with me(everyone goes through battles and I don't believe in placing a weight on anyone else's struggles- not everyone handles things the same way) ... She said, “I want to be you when I grow up.” And she is a year older than me... LOL. At first, I thought what a silly thing to say. Why would anyone want to be me? Believe me in my opinion some days I don’t even want to be me. LOL. I am such a humble soul and don’t really like a fuss, sometimes it is hard for me to take compliments. I don’t necessarily lack confidence, I just don’t feel that the things I do which are part of my personality or character are worth making that big a deal about, it is just who I am. The way I was raised coupled with the things I have experienced, and my unique personality traits have molded me into who I am today. I realized that she doesn’t want to be “me”, she meant she wishes she could handle things the way she perceives me to.  The way that I handle the things that are thrown at me and am somehow able to recover get out of bed, pick myself up, stay active in life, move forward, and have a positive attitude most days, while still being able to laugh at myself and have some fun while enjoying what I can with what I have and who I have in my life. She even basically said her struggle pales in comparison to what I have went through, but like I said I don't agree with comparing. We definitely can control our actions and reactions but I don't know if I believe we can control our feelings, we just have them.

I wished I could explain it to you. I have always strived for more and expected more of myself. When I was young, I was afraid to disappoint my parents, so I made good choices, I pushed myself hard to get good grades, it didn’t always come naturally to me, my work ethic was strong… I tried even harder for the things that I wanted, no one made me or threatened me to do well, I pushed myself and I always have. I don’t do well sitting still and I think that keeping busy is a form of coping with a lot of the things that I have been through over the years, and it is because I choose to focus on what I can control rather than what I cannot, and I truly believe that is what has made all the difference for me. I could have completely chosen a more destructive path. Some days are easier than others. And every day is a choice to live in sadness or enjoy as many moments as I can while I am still here, breathing and with a purpose.

You know how much I love song lyrics and quotes when I write and this one seems pretty in tune with what I feel this blog relates to. Life is full of twists and turns that you can’t always foresee, no matter how you plan sometimes you must just go with the flow and look forward to what might be around that bend in the road. Be yourself and enjoy your ride every chance you get. 

From Nowhere Roads by Eric Burgett

When God’s got something he wants you to see and fate's gots someone she wants you to meet, you roll with it, you go with it, ride that wind, check it out breath it in, where you thought you were headed may not be where you end up, ya that’s big stuff, sometimes we hold the wheel and sometimes were in control and sometimes nowhere roads, know where to go. It’s not the concrete, dirt, or gravel I’ve run down my whole life, it is the desperate turn my heart took that felt like do or die. When I find myself on a nowhere road I will keep on it until I see where it goes.