A year ago I would have never fathomed my life to be where it is today. I would have never anticipated what would happen in our lives over the next few weeks after our return from vacation. We were in the pines living up our summer before going back to school. Fishing, riding bikes, horse trail riding, ATV adventures, fry bread runs, working on small cabin projects, playing games and eating Steve’s fabulous BBQ.
From his sickness, struggle and death to all the emotions, complications, frustrations, setbacks and trial and error living our new life over the past almost year we have seemed to be able to adjust and start to move forward, some days slower than others, but forward.
If you are reading my blog for the first time you may need to go to the home page and catch up, if you have been following me you are no stranger to the chaos we have experienced along the way, mini trials, setbacks and more. Even with the crap that we have experienced along the way, I am always looking for that silver lining, being grateful for what we do have, and striving to move forward, even though we will never be able to move on or live our lives the same again. I try to maintain the glass is refillable and I am still here for a reason mentality. HOPING for a purpose and brighter future for both Paxton and myself.
This weekend proved to be a time where I actually considered giving up my ability to turn something into a positive or my ability to accept and adjust and considered I might not be able to climb my way out of the feelings I was experiencing, start to lose hope, and doubt my faith. Did I really find my breaking point? For all those people who have declared how strong I am, would this be the point where I let them down?
Definition of breaking point
1 : the point at which a person gives way under stress. 2 : the point at which a situation becomes critical. 3 : the point at which something loses force or validity stretch the rules to the breaking point.I found myself faced with this struggle over the last 3 days when we came home from a day full of fun with friends to discover Steve's baby girl Piper (who is now almost 7) gone from our yard. Just like she vanished. Camera footage where she was once and then never to be seen again. I will save you all the details of our search and the surging emotions that it caused, the amount of people who have helped search, dropped what they were doing, posted, and got the word out that she is gone and how truly important she is to Paxton and I. It is such a blur and so many details that I don't even know I could relive it.
The simple fact that it could even happen still isn't understood, we really can't even fathom how she got out of the back yard, why it didn't alert our other dog and there was absolutely no documentation of it. No sign after she went out the dog door at 8:04 pm rounded the corner under the gate into the corner back yard seconds later and when we got home at 10:00 pm she was not home and we have 11 cameras with no sitings of her again.. It is ridiculously unimaginable if you ask me. We even kidded a few times Steve must have beamed down and grabbed her because he needed her more. - hey no judging sounds ridiculous but I have to laugh at something or I might just fall apart.
For 3 days I have been sick to my stomach, played different scenarios over in my head (here returns the overthinker that I am always trying to shed myself of) went without sleep, checked my cameras to see if she returned or was out front 17 times in the middle of the night, calling for her, being irritable (mother nature has the best timing) making posters with family, crying as I hung every one, reaching out to tamale and taco trucks on the side of the road and random strangers fishing in the local canals or sitting on their porches, knocking on doors, flagging down UPS, FedEX, Amazon and garbage truck drivers to ask if they had seen her, searching for her down every road, anywhere near by, in the desert, around the farm fields, taking Ryker with us in case she was nearby and could pick up his scent, laying my bed spread in the middle of my front yard with her scent on it in hopes to bring her home, stalking Facebook, social media and all the online sites possible, going to the animal shelter, droning the area for any sign of her body or her running through a field, getting texts, tagged in posts and messages about found dogs getting my hopes up but that are not her, and lots of scam texts saying she has been found, send money, give me information etc.. I am really glad I am not that naïve. But it does piss me off to the point I should probably be praying for these assholes to not be so mean and take advantage of distressed people. It is sickening someone could even do that.
Paxton deals with his emotions in a different way then I do and so the clashing we have done with one another in the last few days has peaked at moments that I am definitely not proud of. My patience levels slimmer than normal and my emotions so out of character for me led me into a tailspin of spiraling out of control, crying often, not wanting to get out of bed, no motivation to do anything other than what I need to function, eating very little as my stomach is in knots sick over her disappearance and the thought of her never returning is incomprehensible.
A trip to Indiana for two weeks of R&R- giving us peace of mind, clarity and hope for the future. More motivation for myself with work, health, exercise and being happy where I am. A child so excited to start a new project and a new competitive sport in the fall, something to look forward to, accepting of going back to a physical school in the next couple weeks after being home schooled for 6 months and less resistance to being helpful around the house and less of the teenage talking back or down to me, being more supportive of mom. All signs of moving forward in our new life- a part of me feels and fears from what I have experienced the last few days that this may halt, change, or rewind the progress he and I have by ourselves and together been able to accomplish. I pray that this is not the case, but I am not certain of the turn around bounce back time on this one. Two steps forward, ten steps back?
I have been confused, overwhelmed, saddened, angry, felt guilty, scared and literally curious if I was at my breaking point, what that looks like and whether I was finally there and if I could handle any more tragic notches on my timeline of life. Until today I doubted whether the uncertainty or outcome of this situation would bring me further into a pit of despair or if I would lose my hope and faith that I have always been able to save no matter what life throws at me.
For those of you who I have spoken with in the last several days, who may have doubted my ability not to fall apart, who have listened to me cry, hyperventilate or break down crying midsentence, thanks for not giving up on me. I decided that I am not broken, the outcome, whether she is returned to us, or we never know where she went and won’t ever see her again will not cause me to lose my faith, hope or ability to be grateful for what is in front of me, the purpose I have, or the future I look forward to. It may take a little longer to get up when I fall down, but I will get up, I promise.
I am not giving up hope or stopping actively seeking her, but I am confident that I have done all the things I can do to this point to get her back, and I need to let go of obsessing over how this might turn out and let it play out because no amount of stress or worry will bring her back to us for certain or more quickly.
Something reminded me today of last week at the orthodontist when I noticed a kid wearing a shirt with a skeleton on it playing cards. It said It’s not about the cards you’re dealt but how you play the hand. -Randy Pausch- There is so much truth in that if you know anything about playing card games or poker there are a lot of analogies to associate with life. I may not have been able to control how she left, where she went or the fact that it even happened, I can't rewind and do it differently next time, I can just accept what happened and not let it ruin me.
With this said I want to remind you that I am not sure that I believe that things happen for a reason as much as I believe in divine timing thanks to a friend's explanation… timing plays an important role if you pay attention and associate it to things in your life and use what you see, learn and discover at the right time it is meant to be, as we all have free will and the freedom of choice, and the ability to control our reactions to every situation.
Last week when I heard this song for the first time on the artist's IG reel, I was not only in love with his voice, the words spoke to me... I couldn't believe I never heard of him before, downloaded a bunch of his songs on apple music, have listened to it over and over again and realized today why these words had so much impact on me, especially in the last few days with losing Piper and all the emotions and feelings I have been experiencing.
Steve may no longer be here to be my person, to provide me love and security and all the things you experience with your significant other, especially when you are looking for validation or just someone to be there for you, hold you and comfort you, and give you hope, but his love lives in me and in Paxton just as if he were here he would love all of our fears, sadness, troubles and anxieties away by his presence, we can look inside us and feel it, because it is a love we have experienced before, love is all around us and love is what pushes us forward, gives us hope and a future. Love causes our bodies to release feel-good hormones and neuro-chemicals that trigger specific, positive reactions. Love is powerful not only when we receive it but give it in return.
I normally leave you with some song lyrics typed out when I associate a song with my blog, but I really think you need to listen to this one.
You may have to cut and paste it in your browser, I promise it is worth listening to.
Love it All Goodbye- Eric Burgett
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