Avoiding reliving the past

 

On the way home from three days in California, I looked in the rearview mirror to hazel eyes staring back at me that looked in deep thought so much so that I just wished I could be inside his head for just a split second. To peer into the thoughts of a little boy, scared, hurt, confused and unsure of what his future holds. 

All the conflict and struggles over the last year wrapped up in this little boy‘s head, just a day before he had to go back to school for his eighth-grade year. He hasn’t been in school since October of last year and I’m sure many fears and anxieties were brewing in there. 

Rewind to the day before, where he expressed his concerns and struggles with going back to school, the anxiety that it was causing and the scared little boy that I wished I could rock again. You know the one where you could kiss their boo-boo, stick some silly character Band-Aid on it and all their hurt and fears and pain would go away.

I’m sure it’s every mother’s dream to make all their children’s problems go away to fix it and to make them feel better, even into adulthood. That is definitely the nurturer in me. “You may have outgrown my lap but not my heart darling” I would say to him if he didn’t think it was cheesy at this age.  He may be growing up before my eyes faster than I would like, most of his friends are a year or two older than him but he’s still my sweet little boy who’s hand I like to hold and sneak kisses occasionally, not in public of course, I have definitely been schooled in what is considered embarrassing. 

I don’t know how many times we prayed over the last few days for him to remain calm, for us to go over the different things that he can do when his mind wanders at school, reminding him how at a very young age his Bushie taught him how to breathe in peace and breath out fear, as he becomes overwhelmed with fear or anxiety. 

He made a promise to me that if I let him stay out of school from January until May he would go back in July. I told him that I’m proud of him for honoring his promise and that I think he’s going to have an amazing year. Of course, he had a hard time getting out of bed this morning and fought me just a tad bit, stalled a little, and made up a couple tiny excuses. But as a mother who wants to give her son the freedom to make his own choices sometimes, I just have a feeling I know what the best is and I drove him to school anyway. 

Yesterday evening he brought up to me that he wished he would’ve been able to ask to be part of yearbook… Calling in my favor to the school after being of service there since my kid was in kindergarten, they were able to make that happen for him. Grateful over here for small blessings. I mean if he must go to school all day long, he may as well enjoy a few of his classes- that and PE… also he does like science. I sent him off to school in anticipation to hopefully not receive a call before the end of the day that he isn’t able to make it through. I silently prayed to myself on the way that something good will come of this day that would help him to realize that going back to school will be the best option for him. 

We pulled up to school in front of a little red car and his baseball buddy he hadn’t seen all summer got out. 

With a big grin on his face, he walked right up to Paxton slapped him on the hand with one of their cool boy handshakes and off they went. What perfect timing and a blessing in disguise right then and there my prayer was answered, to find out later they also had 4 classes together warmed my mama heart.  

Baseball tryouts are next week, and I would love for him to play for school I know that baseball is tough for him now that Steve passed away and he said it still makes him miserable thinking about it or playing it without his dad.  Mama over here is okay with tournament fishing, his dabbling in roping, his love of riding his horse and interest again in 4H. Would I love to see him play school ball yes, you betcha I would. Is it my choice NO, I will not make him do something that makes him miserable inside. I am not inside his head, nor do I know the loss of connection or how it affects him that his dad is not here… It is incomprehensible to me and since I’ve been one to always say that feelings are neither right or wrong I’m going to let him take the wheel on this one. Sometimes I think pushing them to do the things that they don’t want to do can end up making it a worse situation than if you just let them choose to stop doing something that makes them unhappy. I have had several people want him to return to the team, and I know that he would be a great asset. After school I asked him again about baseball. He teared up and said he didn’t want to play, I reiterated that I understood about Club, but didn’t know why he wouldn’t want to play for school, it was low pressure, just go out there and have fun I thought, and his dad wasn’t really part of his school ball since he was in the hospital for most of it. He said that school ball reminds him of his dad being in the hospital fighting for his life and the roller coaster we were on, the updates during games, the ups and downs of the season and then missing his last  playoff game because of his death and getting to only play in the championship that they won, but the pain of reliving that time frame was just too painful for him as he wiped the tears from his eyes, whether he played his heart out to win for his dad or not, his dad is no longer here.  Enough said in the mommy book of agony that her kid should not have to ever go through again. So although, I would love to see him play and win another championship in his last year of junior high and I think he would definitely be a good asset to the team, I also understand the pain, hurt, and negative connotations associated with him doing so and his heart wouldn’t really be in it.

He didn’t call me to come pick him up or call me at all from school today. He text me at lunch “love you” and that was enough for me to know he is going to be okay. He got in my car with his usual, my day sucked attitude and I was reassured that my little boy who hates school was back and ready to get into the mundane routine of the year. PS I hated school too, even though I pushed myself to do well, hence why even though I could have I never pursued my master’s degree or beyond.

So off to different things, things that will bring newness and purpose and gratitude for the past experiences that helped shape him into who he is today and will become in the future. I am excited to find out what the future holds for him and what great things he will do with his life, but I will enjoy the journey and not push for him to grow up to fast! Sometimes a chapter ends, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t serve a purpose for whatever great things are to come. Just because you are good at something doesn't mean you should do it. Maybe it chose you for the time that you needed and now it is time to move on. 

 

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” – Lao Tzu

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” —Joseph Campbell

“Oh, my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left.” – Hubert Humphrey