Flowers for Me, Grace for All

 

I ran some errands yesterday and had a friend ask me what my friends could do for me with the date drawing closer to the anniversary of Steve’s death? She said she felt weird asking, but we are friends and I have been weighing on her mind and she just didn’t really know what to do or say, but she wanted me to know she had been thinking about me. The mention of that was enough to give me peace and know that I am loved and thought of.  The conversation went a little like this… Do you celebrate his life? As a friend do you even mention it? I mean maybe you just want to not think about it or call attention to it? Like, what should your friends do? My response was that it was just what each person feels comfortable doing, no one should go out of their element for us. A sweet thinking about you text would make me smile and be enough if someone felt the need to reach out to acknowledge, I would say I wouldn’t want to avoid or ignore the day, but not everyone needs to do some grand gesture for us though. With Paxton I told him we would play it by ear, he didn’t want to make any permanent plans, besides fishing which he arranged on his own. My aunt and uncle who were here the week Steve died flew out to be with us. This warms my heart and occupies my mind with things to do along with celebrating her birthday tomorrow and Aidan’s on Sunday. No one can go through or experience these emotions for us, but us, and I am not sure how, but a little support always helps, no matter the extent of it. So, if you were wondering what to say or do, that is completely up to you, and if you aren’t comfortable bringing it up, don’t. No one is going to do or say the wrong thing and I am not going to hold it against anyone if they don’t reach out. Everyone handles death and grief differently and that is ok. Grace for all.

I knew that them coming would make Paxton not want to go to school, he has this coming Monday off for the holiday so I wanted him to go to school today, he could skip tomorrow as he already planned an “in honor of dad” fishing morning with Rob. Bless his heart to be so kind to him, it makes me feel truly blessed to have the people we do in our lives. Like I have said before I couldn’t ask for better friends. He would have the Monday holiday and I said he could be late Tuesday and we would take them to breakfast before the airport. He was pretty mad at me when he left for school yesterday, playing the dad sad card or maybe he is just really sad, it may be a little of both. I said, “we will see.” I think he took that as a yes. He came home from school and proclaimed he had initiated contact with all his teachers to tell them he would not be there Thursday and Friday, collected all his upcoming work to catch him up until Tuesday and they all said OK. Well, this little boy is growing up and knows when he wants something what to do instead of having his mom arrange it for him. I didn’t know whether to be mad or proud, since I didn’t really confirm he could skip school, even though I knew in my mind I was more than likely going to. Life is so short as we have already experienced and missing two days of school in the grand scheme of things to spend time with you family for a really good reason, seems like good enough reason for me.

Believe me, I know what is going on in my 43-year-old mind sifting through all the significant emotions, memories of last year and crushed hopes and dreams for the future that now must be re-organized and new plans formed. I have even been through significant losses way more than he has. I can’t imagine the mind of an almost 13-year-old teenage boy going through puberty, losing his dad, and trying to figure out how to process what he is thinking. So, you need to take 2 days off from school to refocus… granted, he is a good kid and I think he is going to go far in this world and I am extremely proud of him. 

It is the little things that will get me through the next few days, (even though I know certain thoughts and memories had while making new memories without Steve will make some tears fall, and that is ok, avoiding feelings is never a good thing when moving forward, deal with them as they come, not bottled up and exploding later on) because I know that those little blessings are signs that life is precious, that things should be celebrated, cherished, and made into memories that will last far beyond the lives of those we lose and are still here. That there is hope for a bright future, there is still work to be done in our world and there are many lessons learned in our experiences to help us move forward, to be grateful for the time we spent with our loved ones that are gone and to incorporate what we miss the most about them into our everyday lives as so much of what they taught us still lives deep within our souls and can be summoned when needed. As long as I can hold onto the hope that I have a purpose that hasn’t been fulfilled yet and that somehow all of the things I have been through thus far is shaping me for that purpose, no matter how significant or insignificant that purpose is in the bigger picture.

    
As I finish up this blog a very sweet text from a friend of a friend who has always been such a sweet lady, and always kind, popped up on my phone… I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I love you and hope you have a great day. 💜

As I sit here smiling grateful once again for what I do have it helps ease the pain just that much more from what I am missing. I am going to enjoy the flowers I bought yesterday from my local florist friend, filled with color and fresh smelling lavender to calm my heart and ease my mind. Flowers make me happy and calm my soul. I am looking forward to a somewhat uncertain emotional weekend but filled with love, fun and creating new memories. No expectations, no limits and last-minute changes are welcome. Stay tuned…

From new life to death, from purity to passion, flowers have had many meanings in myths and legends. Swelling from tender bud to full bloom, flowers are associated with youth, beauty, and pleasure. But as they wilt and die, flowers represent fragility and the swift passage from life into death, and that is okay.