I thought I would have had a lot more that I wanted to write about from my weekend experience, I thought it over in my head several times and nothing came to me that was content enriched so I just didn't. So last weekend came and went the one year anniversary of Steve’s death. It had its ups and downs, it’s craziness, it’s calm moments. I struggled just a little on whether I wanted to post a tribute on Facebook, and decided that I just really didn't want to this year, and you know what, I was okay with that. As Paxton’s new ritual he wants to try to make it a point to go fishing to mark the occasion a trip to Bass Pro Shops to buy 4 fishing lures every year to put in a Rubbermaid tub- he also said he thinks he will add some on Steve’s birthday and Father’s Day. I asked him what for, he said he wasn’t quite sure, maybe to give to his kid someday. I was okay with that, it is okay to have a feeling to do something and not know exactly why you are doing it.
No messages in balloons, no lighting
lanterns and letting them go, writing a letter or sharing a special dinner were
had… something simple that he came up with and decided that he wanted to do. I
love this. He has his own uniqueness about him, and it makes me happy that he
comes up with his own ideas and embraces them. As much as loosing Steve was
equally a part of me, I have been through enough loss that I felt more inclined
to allow him to make the decisions of how he wanted to celebrate his dad’s life,
then what I thought would be ideal, and to be completely honest, I didn’t have
a clue what I wanted to do. I guess I did do one thing for myself, it just isn’t
finished yet, so I will have to keep you all in suspense until later.
I appreciated all of those who reached out
just to say they were thinking about us. My aunt and uncle who were here the week Steve
passed away came back to be with us and I appreciate that as well. It was
filled with a lot of emotions on both our parts and many private moments that only
the two of us were meant to share.
Yesterday
morning I allowed myself to get upset over something that I knew that I didn’t
necessarily have control over. Occasionally, I let that happen even when I preach
to everyone else to stay positive on a routine basis and that it’s not about
your circumstances more about your reaction. My reaction wasn’t super great.
But then I saw a post from a friend who honed me back in. Yes, I am one who
thrives on filling other people’s cups as I feel one of my biggest purposes is to serve others but sometimes I need mine to be filled
as well.
Her post said when you can’t control what’s happening to you,
challenge yourself to control the way you are responding to what is happening
to you. That is where the power lies
I read those words three times and took a deep breath. Sometimes
you can get completely upset about something that doesn’t go as planned not the
way that we thought it would be for completely alters our day ahead. As I told
you before sometimes, I want to fix things and my mind can sometimes completely
turn into fight or flight or sometimes I have a little pity party that things
can’t run smoothly and why can’t I catch a break. The more that I can
put in perspective that life just happens and somehow it always works
out, the better off that I am. I am in control of my thoughts and actions, and I alone can
determine my level of happiness. Outside factors can contribute to my happiness,
but it is ultimately up to me to choose to be happy and at what level.
We
have a deadline to get this boat prepared for Paxton ‘s first fishing
tournament October 2. I want it to be in tiptop shape with a very little room
for failure. New tires so that they don’t blow one on the way to a tournament
and end up late or missing it. A boat that’s going to be in great working order
that doesn’t break down on them in the middle of the lake putting a monkey
wrench in their day or disrupting their ability to fish their hearts out and do
as well as possible. We are sort of under a time crunch and a lot of the shops
are backlogged. I was given a referral for a guy who comes to you and works on
the boat, a mobile service. I immediately thought what an ideal situation then
I don’t have to be stressed out about taking it somewhere and they don’t get it
done in time and we can’t make our schedule. Especially since I also need to
take it to get new tires. And Paxton would like to take it out on the lake to
practice ahead of time. The theme with me tends to be me trying to be the mama who can fit
it all in and fix it. Sometimes it works out in
my brain a lot smoother than it actually does.
It didn’t quite go well with the guy who was going to come to the
house. I may have called him a dick more than once. I’ll spare you all the details,
but I ended up calling a repair shop from an old invoice that I found when Steve
had the jack plate on the boat fixed in 2020. The guys were super accommodating
and could get me in and work on his boat in their spare time while waiting on
parts for other boats so that I can have it ready for the tournaments. I’m not
saying that everyone must be accommodating to me just because I lost my husband,
I am not looking for pity or handouts. I just feel like sometimes when you tell
the story and how much this kid wants to fish and why it means so much to him -the
guy who came to the house would’ve been a little bit more willing to help me
understand the process since this is all new to me and not my normal scope of
knowledge.
I
set out yesterday to go to listen to a favorite local band with a group of four
friends who
one-by-one
dropped off and couldn’t meet me last night. I was disappointed and had a
couple other offers, none of which included chilling listening to music with a
glass of wine which is what my intention was but sometimes we can’t always
control our circumstances, so we have to figure out how we’re going to react to
them. I was dressed and ready to go out I wasn’t that into this band that I
would go out by myself. I contemplated crawling into some jammies and laying on
my couch, but after the day I had and the struggle with Paxton to get his homework
done, which is always a project in itself- I ended up at dinner with Audrey and
her mom and a quick trip so she could take something back at Old Navy, it was a
good enough night to get out of the house for a couple hours even though it
wasn’t what I had planned. But then again some of the best things that
happen to us are usually not planned at all, and the opportunity to hang out
with my bestie who lives out of town, is always a pleasure.
This
morning didn’t quite go as planned either, Paxton needed to finish a
presentation for Spanish, not so easy so early in the morning, but we made it
work, getting him up in enough time was a little tough. I got a late start when
I went to get the boat from Steve’s parents house to take it to the repair shop.
When I got there, I realized I still had the horse trailer hitch attached to my
truck as that was the last thing we hauled. No big deal, right? I had the right hitch in the back of the truck,
just switch them out. Slight problem, I didn’t have the key to remove the lock
on the hitch to switch it out, it was on a different set of truck keys. Deep
Breath. My first instinct was to drive all the way back home to get them. My
father-in-law in his calm composure, told me not to worry- deep inside he may
have been irritated with me, but he didn’t show it, he switched out each ball
on the hitches for the correct ones. Not an easy task, probably not great for
his bad back, but he did it, for me and kept himself calm, which kept me from panicking
over me overlooking an important detail and not being prepared for what I
needed. I got to the repair shop, without the boat key, of which was left on
the kitchen table at my in-law’s house, I had to go get it and then go back to
the shop. And then home to a valve that needed to be replaced on my master bedroom
toilet to remove the toilet to tile under it, forcing me to run to the hardware
store that I hadn’t intended to put yet another twist in my day making me
slightly late for my next thing.
Luckily
despite the hiccups, I remained calm, a slight delay and location change (I don’t
think this will become a repeat location- but it worked for today) a Sushi date
with my niece, but able to still fit in quality time, I wasn’t even late for my
nail appointment or to pick up kids from school, I still had time to fill up my
gas tank and get my car washed (of course I did, it poured tonight, lol) I got
some work done, watched a little Netflix and turned my Friday night into this blog,
which is truly healing for me and a huge part of my journey. I was proud of my reactions today. I could laugh
a little at my mistakes and know that everything still worked out and remind
myself that reacting to my circumstances in a slightly different way can
sometimes make all the difference with a little more grace and a lot less
stress. I noticed a difference in my demeanor, my attitude, and my overrated
expectations of myself. This might need to be a repeat reminder to myself not
to react so negatively in some instances, which can be most people’s first
reaction when things don’t go their way. There is always room for improvement. And the day seems to go a little more smoothly the less you let the bad things affect your mood and attitude.
Steve
may be gone, and my underlying grief will most likely never go away, but I am
still here, and he isn’t, and I deserve to find my happy and I recognize that
enjoying my remaining journey, however that looks, is not selfish at all, it is
the healthiest form of grieving that I can imagine possible. The best way to focus
on moving forward is give myself the ability to make mistakes and learn from
them verses striving to be such a perfectionist, since no one out there is, I
might as well admit it now, I never will live up to the title so I need to stop
trying so hard and stress myself out when I can’t live up to my own expectations.
Just go with it. Be comfortable in your own skin and your own
mind, laugh at yourself and enjoy each moment. You never know how many you have
left.
I
like this quote: If you pay attention to the patterns of your life, you’ll
realize everything always works out. Everything always takes you to a greater
destination. You always grow and the things you think you can’t survive you somehow
divinely make it through. That’s life. Always remember that.
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