Popcorn, DQ and Wine

 

When we are in a hurry we can miss a lot, stress a lot, and often mess things up. Being busy is ok, but being effectively busy and not just overly busy is the key. Last week was one of the busiest weeks for me in a long time, jam packed with appointments, work, showing homes, lunches, writing offers, inspections, activities for Paxton, football games, fishing meetings, his birthday party, and dinners and all the fun stuff that is included in that! I don’t think I made it home before 9:30 any night and to be honest, I only cooked once, and it was breakfast for dinner, biscuits and gravy at Paxton’s request.

Getting back into the swing of school hasn’t been super easy for Paxton especially after doing “home school” and being home with me for 9 months. He isn’t doing bad, he is trying, he has admitted he needs help in algebra (he is actually pretty good at math once it clicks) and although he doesn’t necessarily like to give up his free time, I told him that I am holding him to the same standards a school would by not allowing him to fail a class and still fish. So, since I was always good in algebra, but I cannot teach it the way they expect these kids to learn these days, plus it has been a LONG time and isn't so fresh in my mind, he is going to have to take advantage of the tutoring the teacher offers after school. He is doing the Math success lab in place of the Spanish class he dropped, however, I think it is taking a while to catch up and he must learn sometimes you just have to put in extra effort for the things that are a must, even if you don’t want to do it or are not interested in it. This is teaching him discipline, he may roll his eyes at me now, but I promise he will appreciate it later in life. When he understands or catches up, he can go to the tutoring less or not at all, but for now he needs to take advantage of the help when given. Then when the teacher is not available for 3 days in a row, you can become more frustrated or behind. 

I think this birthday for him hit harder than last year, missing Steve. There really is no grief clock that says after the first year you are miraculously better, cured, not as sad or “fixed”. These things I truly don’t feel are possible to “get over” or magically dissolve or go away. Grief is love with no where to go, and as humans we just want to give it. When we no longer have a place for it to go, lots of other emotions become involved. The key is to learn to control these emotions and find positive outlets for them to thrive. 

We finally took advantage of sending him to counseling, I feel like the timing is right. I know I stress all the time in my blogs to trust the timing of your life- sometimes when you are a planner or scenario creator trust that everything will work out the way it is suppose to can sometimes be hard. I am really learning how to just let things happen and not force anything. To enjoy our journey as it comes and appreciate all we have and thrive when we can.  

I have been asking him periodically over the last year about counseling and the answer was always the same. A dead NO. He doesn’t want to go; he doesn’t need it and I could take him, but he would just sit in the room and stare at the person and not talk. He was adamant that if the person lost their dad at his same exact age, maybe he would talk and listen to what they had to say, but he assumes that no one else would understand what he was going through. Probably valid, however, even someone who experienced that would have different circumstances, time frames, feelings, and reactions then he does. He pointed out to me that he was being affected by his lack of focus at school and some daily activities. I researched underlying causes, inattentive ADHD or his anxiety and fears just maxing him out. Talked to a friend of mine from back home in the industry and I just decided let’s start with counseling and see where it takes us. I am not a huge fan of modern medicines I much prefer any natural methods instead, and he is much like me, it is hard to even get him to take Tylenol or Claritin when it would benefit him.  I pretty much had to convince him to go because I just wanted him to find a resource on how to better focus. He got in and out of the car without a fight maybe not without complaining but I will count my blessings. One session will not be the determining factor of what he needs, but let’s just say he was intrigued enough about how the counselor explained anxiety to him and he made a connection enough to agree to go for a second session. Fingers crossed that he gets what he needs. 

I went to lunch last week with an industry friend who has the same philosophy as I. The amount of work we could put in to making an abundant amount of money to have a future quality of life isn't as important enough to sacrifice our current quality of life. Something that we talked about that really resonates with me is the willingness to sacrifice our day-to-day time in order to be happy verses working so hard and making so much money that we save and may never even have the opportunity to use it. That is where the line must be drawn. Is the amount of time and energy you are putting into being successful worth you giving up happiness or your sanity or even sacrificing your health? If it is for you, then great! But I think it depends on the person. I am ok not sharing the same status as a fellow agent if I have to sacrifice too much, I am just not. That is why in our industry we cannot compare ourselves to other agents, their status, their clientele, or the caliber of what they consider success verses what you consider success. In my case, I am seasoned enough that I probably could be like some of these big wig Realtors who have large teams and have money coming in other than their own deals as residual. Listening to some podcasts, some of them are actually in the red depending on how they spend their money. With that though comes sacrifice upfront to build it up. 

One, I have had a team before and I have a hard time trusting other people to give the kind of service that I would, two I don’t want to give up some of my free time to be available to someone else 24/7 at the expense of my own time ( I don't mind mentoring but that is short term) and three I have an enough number that allows me to control the amount of business that I do and the types of clients that I attract and give my 100% to as long as I can still pull in that amount. 

It is hard to be everything to everyone and you need to do the things that you are good at. Sometimes it is healthy to say no. Therefore, I pay someone to take care of all my transaction paperwork and sometimes show houses for me. I am now a single parent who has a 13-year-old going through puberty, the loss of his father,  his own set of fears, anxieties, and uncertainties, Paxton will be 18 before I know it and require less and less of my time as each year goes by. Then I can focus on other things. For now I need to be available and live in the present as much as possible to enjoy the time I have to spend with him. I can always pick up “extra” work down the road when he isn’t around as much, if I need or want to. 

A friend of mine’s husband died the same year as my mom in the fall of 2015. She tries to make it a celebration every year this week that he died. It is sad and it is hard, but she does something to commemorate it. She posted that this is the first year since he died that she didn’t cry all week long and she has been with someone else for a few years, who understands and allows her to celebrate her late husband with no issues, no judging and no expectations. She felt a new sense of peace this year, maybe unlike and above any other that I am not sure she has had thus far. I don’t know whether to be proud of her or to be envious. I know not everyone has the same time frame or expectations, but I may be a tad jealous that I have such a long road of adjustment ahead of me, or maybe I don’t. I just know that I didn't ask for what was handed to me, I don't like feeling the way that I do or the emotions that I experience and sometimes they just can't be controlled.  I have felt peace with other things so far at different times so I know the sense she is feeling when things just fit right. There is no magic number, date, year, time-period, or occasion that you will most definitely move forward enough for the sadness to go away. It doesn’t ever go away, maybe it gets easier or maybe you just become more accepting of your circumstances. And maybe the feelings are different for everyone. 

My child has been experiencing some things at school that just haven’t gone away no matter mama’s suggestions, words of wisdom or trying to teach him to cope with exterior influences that he has no control over, to control his reactions, to be the better person, to walk away from situations that just don’t suit him. He he wants to be able to fit in without trying to be someone he is not and to also enjoy his experiences, concentrate on what he needs to and be liked at the same time. Jr. High is rough, kids are cruel and no matter how much you explain to him or any other kids his age and even high school aged  that none of this will matter in 5-10 years, right now it is their life and is what they are experiencing and what is real to them in the moment. 

We started the day with many tears. Praying on the way to school for a better experience, a better outcome, the mean kids to have their hearts filled with love… (last week one kid did get a taste of his own medicine- but it didn’t make the rest stop) sometimes kids are just mean and no matter what you do or say, ignore them or pray for them, they just don’t get better. It is so out of our control. The tears fell, his fears of going to school, reluctance to deal with his reality,  his disappointment in himself about math and how far he got behind and or didn’t understand but it is hard for him to ask for help coupled with just his sad state all came fluttering in. I have these days still in my own way. As an adult I think we are just more experienced in how to handle multiple situations coupled with the emotions. He is an old soul and sometimes he thinks he should just know things and he is hard on himself, but instead of pushing himself, like I did when I was younger, he tends to just give up or shut down or be a grumpy mess of emotions he cannot control.  In some ways, I see so much of myself in him it is hard for me to be hard on him. I know what works for me, I know how I responded well to certain criticisms and not so well to others, and although I mostly know him, I am still trying to figure him out. 

He missed car pool pick up so I drove him. We made it all the way to the parking lot before sitting there for what seemed like forever, crying and then turning around to declare it is just going to be a mother-son day, and the world around us is just going to have to continue while we have our day. I had to reschedule an appointment and call-in re-enforcements for another, but I can make it work. It wasn't without some arguing, plenty of tears shed or a little movie theater heavily buttered popcorn, DQ  ice cream and wine. (no judging! LOL that's a whole lot of junk for me). 

Our mental health will thank us later. In our new life, sometimes we must pause while we recoup, recover, and refresh. I honestly don’t know if we could move forward without these occasional days. So today is a day to catch up on math before the end of the quarter- go to lunch and a movie-  and to forego some of the hustle and bustle and responsibilities we face everyday- stop hurrying -reset our minds, focus on the good and move forward tomorrow better than we were today. Today was draining emotionally but worth just taking a break from the busyness to take care of ourselves.

I am currently reading a bible plan about the elimination of hurry. This morning the devotional delved into this. 

“Many of us are just too busy to live emotionally healthy and spiritually rich and vibrant lives.
Granted, there is a healthy kind of busyness where your life is full with things that matter, not wasted on empty leisure or trivial pursuits. By that definition, Jesus himself was busy. The problem isn’t when you have a lot to do; it’s when you have too much to do, and the only way to keep the quota up is to hurry.” As you move through your day, pay attention to your body, the sensations of hurry, stress, distraction, or irritation that you feel. Notice how they inhibit your ability to be present in love. Pause 2-3 more times during this day to simply breathe, take in God’s loving presence, and practice gratitude.

These words rang true for me today. And although I am always grateful in my mind and tell people all the time, or count my blessings and say them out loud, I have gotten away from keeping my gratitude journal in the last few months and Paxton and I got away from saying what we are grateful for before bed as we used to with Steve every night. We have done it since he died, but not consistently. Paxton and I always prayed on the way to school and now he carpools... This devotion has reminded me that I need to restart this practice and allow myself time to reflect not only by writing down my thankful thoughts but keeping the tradition with him so that we can constantly remind ourselves that we are still here, we can do this together, and there is so much more to be grateful for with all the blessings we receive on a daily basis. Concentrating on what we are grateful for verses what we miss, lack, or are not good at can truly bring more blessings. 

Thanks again to all the supportive friends who still check in with us, make us feel special and just love on us. It truly means a lot and makes days like today a little lighter.