Photos, Baseballs and a Fresh Start from the Past

 

A friend asked me the other night if I ever felt a shift in my grief. I knew exactly what she meant without hearing more, and I also know how hard it is to explain that feeling to someone. But I am going to give it a go at it as it has happened to me several different times at different stages and for different reasons. Sometimes I have no idea what brought it on and why something seemed clearer or easier to do. It just felt… right. This is peace. When it just feels right.

 Peace, I leave with you. My peace I give you, I give to you not as the world gives. Don’t be troubled or afraid. John 14:27

She described it like missing the person still every day, but not crying every day. I totally understood. I feel that things also shift when you are at peace with something. I could probably give you many examples of this but I have had two in the last week that stood out and I want to share for those who may have had similar things happen and aren’t sure if what they are feeling is normal or unique to them. Like I have said before there probably really isn’t a normal, but everyone likes to have the reassurance that they aren’t crazy in their thoughts or feelings or the timeframe when they are experiencing them.

First off if you have been following along in my journey, you know I let several pairs of Steve’s shoes lie on a rug next to the chair he sat in in our bedroom while he was in the hospital for a month and then for over a month after he passed away without touching them. I went from not being able to put them away to just deciding one day to move them and clear out about 98% of everything “his” in our closet to completely remodeling my bedroom to my personal taste by removing everything but the TV hanging on the wall. Talk about extreme, but I will tell you having my relaxing calm personal space where I can retreat to and listen to music, write in my journal, and read has been a game changer for my frame of mind. I am not sure I have ever spent so much time in my room before in my life. With these changes throughout the house, painting, flooring, and some new furniture all our photos came down and I didn’t put them back up. To be completely honest, I have been with all of you so far, I couldn’t handle looking at him every day. I have one photo in my living room of Paxton as a newborn, Steve’s arms and Paxton’s tiny fingers latched around his thumb and that is all you see.  

 There are still photos in my hallway toward Paxton’s room in a collage from over the years and choice family photos from different stages of Paxton’s life and I never look at them. An overwhelming sadness comes over me and I just can’t live in sadness every day! In Paxton’s case he purchased a phone case with Steve’s photos all over it that he had on his phone for over a year before switching it out. An example of how the two of us dealt differently with the reminders. Those reminders are everywhere in all capacity, some just bothered me more than others.

I was laying in bed the other night looking at my phone and a photo suggestion popped up and it was a photo of Steve fishing, as I clicked on it my phone started to scroll through a whole album of photos of Steve that I had downloaded for his memorial service slideshow. I proceeded to click through them all remembering each one, where it was taken, the trip we were on, the moment in time in my mind, the emotions attached with some of them. It was actually good for me to look through and remember those good moments and times from my past, without crying. The experiences that we had getting us to where we are now. I came to a picture of the two of us from when we took family photos reading Paxton my book when Paxton was little right after my book was published… it sat on my entertainment center for years in a silver anniversary frame someone had given us. I wanted nothing more at that moment than to find that frame.  I didn’t get up immediately but the next morning I searched for it. And I incorporated it back into my living room décor. This was a shift in grief, a huge step, an acceptance that I can look at him every day and be comfortable enough to allow the memories to fill me with peace, joy and love rather than filling me with anxiety, fear, or sadness dwelling on the lack of new memories that will never occur.

Paxton has been struggling big time with anger, fear, anxiety, and sadness. He has had a lot go on and I know that the weight of each new thing adds to this heaviness, especially at his age where processing grief is very different than how I process it now as an adult.  I don’t wish these things on my worst enemy let alone my child who all I want is to protect, love and shelter from trials, trauma, and heartache. But I know that this world is filled with all of that. He will be a better adult for all the experiences he has as a child and will learn to cope, overcome, and persevere because of what he has gone through. I did, and I think I turned out ok.

Last week we got him on a plan, to do better in school, to work harder, focus more, overcome his obstacles, and push through his doubts and fears. One of the requirements of him was to pick a physical activity and stick to it and be consistent. Since he quit baseball and boxing over a year ago, he hasn’t done a lot of consistent activity except a 35 min PE class at school. He needs an outlet for getting out his anger and frustration, and it is just good for his overall well-being. He chose to go back to his hitting coach.

Mind you he hasn’t picked up a bat and hit a baseball since January of 2022. I know he had some reservations about doing this and how well he would do, what kid wants to get up and embarrass himself after all those years of practice. I said just go and see what happens. Who cares if you aren’t the best, you haven’t hit in a year. You guys… it was like he never stopped, in fact, I think he hit better, more powerfully and more consistently than he did when he practiced all the time. His hitting and catching coach both told him that his natural talent overcame his reservations and that made him beam from ear to ear. I tried my best not to make a big deal about it so as not to embarrass him, but I think I was beaming a little too.

He admitted to me in the car how much he truly missed it. I know he has a lot of reservations about playing baseball again from his dad not being here now or not there when he played school ball or for a new club team which he played both when Steve was sick in the hospital and then died. But I think, I hope, that this conditioning will slowly be the ticket to bringing his love of baseball back around and that it will clear and settle his mind. I am over here with no pressure and no expectations but plenty of love, support and open options if he so chooses to go back to the game in any capacity. But it must be his choice. I will not force him to.

His grief shifted, I saw it firsthand in his expressions, in the tone of his voice and in his smile. Life as we knew it, and what we were accustomed to may have been ripped from our existence, but a lot of the things that we love, we enjoy doing, and bring us joy are still here and it isn’t too late to find them again and incorporate them into the life we are living now.

Will our grief continue to shift as we enter each new phase of our life, as we grow in understanding, and as we gain more peace and happiness along our journey you bet it will and it is ok. There is no need to feel guilty or make excuses for being happy or filled with joy, this is all part of the process and recognizing that it is okay is the absolute best thing that we can do moving forward, to maximize our healing.

A fresh start isn’t always a new place, a new activity or a new adventure. It is a mindset.