I promised you in my last blog I would get back to Wednesday
last week and the emotional aspect of why I felt Thursday hit harder than I
expected. I have been working since August with a jeweler to turn my wedding
ring into a necklace, many design choices but only one that stood out to me. An
infinity/heart with all the stones and the white gold melted down from my original
ring and shaped into something new. Something I could wear close to my heart
that would be a symbol of our love, but not in its original form on my finger reminding
me every day that he is gone, and I am partnerless. I asked Paxton if he wanted
it for a future person, he stated he thought his future wife would need something
unique for her. I totally respected that as this ring his dad picked out was
definitely unique to me with its design and story. When he asked me to marry him,
I was in love with this ring from the very beginning. A princess cut center
stone, 12 smaller diamonds and 5 sapphires wrapped in white gold. When I asked
what the sapphires signified, his simple answer was that he wanted something
different than just diamonds, that all those rings seemed boring and I was not
boring, so I deserved a unique ring. I loved his explanation and cherish it still.
When Paxton was due in October of 2009 but graced us with his presence in September
5 years after we got married, how fitting that September’s birth stone is a
sapphire. Then in 2021 when Steve died in September, it made it even more special
to me. I knew I would always want to be
able to wear it whenever I wanted to, just no longer on my finger. Even though Paxton considers me still married and doesn't understand why I wouldn't still wear it. And so, after
months of decisions, designing, drawing, wax models, and final approvals, I
picked up the necklace the night before Thanksgiving.
It was so beautiful,
beyond my imagination, the drawing or the wax model that I just couldn’t help but cry on the way home.
Impressed and happy with the way it turned out but not grateful for the why. It
just hit me on the ride home that I didn’t really want the necklace, I wanted
Steve back and that that would never be possible, and this is now my life for
real. A mix of loneliness, the fear of single parenting, taking care of a
ranch, a house, property, vehicles, finances, single handedly having to make
decisions by myself, asking for help, hiring stuff out, figuring out things on
my own, the newness, the sting, the balance, I could go on and on. I try not to
but can’t help but worry if my decisions will be right or wrong and maintaining
my composure, staying a good mother, friend, and family member all at the same
time. Not losing my sense of self-worth or my gratitude for what I do have. For
trying to still be good at my career, not becoming bitter or sad all the time
and losing business and also supporting Paxton and I the best I know how.
I may not make all the right decisions and I may have had a
lot of trial and error over the past 16 months since Steve got sick and our
lives changed forever, but I know that having Paxton’s best interest in mind is
always on my mind. And I know sometimes I will make some stupid choices or say
stupid things that I cannot erase, I can only learn from and grow forward into
the next chapter of our lives. What that looks like I really have no idea, it
is one day at a time and a journey that I must embrace.
What is my vulnerability level? How much is too much to
share? Is it all relevant. Well, I will admit that I am not perfect, I don’t
profess to be, and I have a lot to learn about how to handle the grieving process
with a kid in tow. I lost my dad when I was 14, Paxton was just a few weeks shy
of 12. I was a girl; he is a boy. I saw my father’s death through my child eyes…
I was only responsible for myself and the grief I was going through. I worried
about my mom, but I didn’t have to be responsible for her. Fast forward 28
years and I became my mom. Now just over a year later, I feel like I have a
better understanding of what she went through grieving herself and helping me
navigate through mine. To be honest, it can be exhausting and hard to balance
at times. The loss of my mom almost 8
years ago did affect Paxton, but at 5 years old I think helping him through that
was a lot less stressful and easier to accept at his age then. I am now
responsible for not only my own grief and how I am handling things, but for guiding
him through his grief and the fact that our timelines, reactions, and ways of
dealing with loss are very different makes it more difficult. I can just
imagine my mom went through some of the emotional turmoil that I experience as
well, navigating, balancing, and trying to stay grounded at the same time. This
is when a girl could really use her mama….
Some days are more difficult than others. We fight, he is ridiculously
rude and talks back, he has issues of a teenage boy combined with the loss of
his dad, somedays he really is dealing with the loss of his dad and somedays I
think he pushes the limits to see how far he can go with a tad bit of manipulation.
Do I think that he really views it that way, I am not sure, but if he blames his
behaviors on the loss of his dad, he is in tune with my reactions to that verses
him just being an ornery teenager and my reactions to that and might push a
little further for the reaction that he wants, not the one he deserves. I am an
empathetic softie, and he knows it. I am learning to try to read when he is sincere
and when he is playing victim… I think I am getting better at it.
We had an awful day on Monday. If he read my blogs, I am
sure he would hate me in his own teenage way, but I really feel that what we are going through can be beneficial
to others and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I was telling a friend a few days
ago that I wished that I could have written a blog about my relationship with
Steve. I think I could have been relatable to a lot of people on how to keep a
relationship going through all the twists, turns, curves, drama, setbacks, financial
issues, fights and balancing them with the triumphs, good times, celebrations,
good memories, intimacy, and strength in love. He was such a private person I would
never have been able to do so. I am in no way trying to embarrass Paxton, but I
am more confident in what I write now, because my purpose is stronger than my
protection, so I hope he can appreciate my writing later if he ever does choose
to read it.
Back to Monday, did I mention he is failing 4 classes? He made a pack with his counselor that he would figure out how to get back on track. He would make a game plan and hash it out. He literally lost his cool on Monday with me when he broke down and admitted he hadn’t, he was behind in almost every one of his classes, from not turning stuff in. He was overwhelmed, he hated school, he couldn’t concentrate, he is having a hard time navigating the grieving process. He is mad at me at times for going out and having fun with my friends and what that might look like in the future. He was very vocal about a post I made on social media that he saw before I took it down, it was harmless, but it didn't read well. And I felt I had to overexplain myself even though there was nothing needing to be explained, but I didn't like the feeling. Like I said I am going to make mistakes and learn from them, even if it is what not to do in the future. LOL!
I get it, moving forward is hard, scary, and
uncertain, but we are still here as the message in my blogs seem to say, and
being happy isn’t a bad thing, enjoying life isn’t a bad thing. Moving forward
while still hanging onto the amazing memories and love we have in our hearts is
key and knowing that it is ok to enjoy the journey without guilt. There will be sad times and setbacks. I know it will take him awhile
to understand this concept at his age, but I hope that he appreciates the things
he has, the sacrifices I make and the positive outlook I portray to try to set
a good example and want him to adopt when he is in his 20’s… Like I have said
plenty of times, it is not about him being the best kid ever, but about growing
into the best adult he can.
Special thanks to my friend Dixie for capturing the before and after.
http://dixielandrumphotography.com/
Special thanks to Tracy Janule for the lovely necklace design
http://www.tracybydesign.com/?fbclid=IwAR0gwnAPg6xDDQ1Evlt_gePQKRxfD9xZvDpkOjXL3239e94a8HpRfBQFgLQ
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