We didn't end up flying to Chicago this past week, or spending time with my family in Indiana. We did somehow turn a week with absolutely no plans into a week full of friends and activities. I know Paxton is just like me in the social aspect of loving to be around people. Don't get me wrong I enjoy a little alone time but you often don't realize how much it means to have someone there all the time until they are gone. Almost 24 years together and 20 that we lived together! Even though we had our own interests as well, we were always available to one another at any given moment to share, discuss and enjoy life as it was handed to us. Even if we were home together and doing different things we could speak freely whenever we wanted, share ideas or hopes and dreams- and when not together, the other was always just a phone call away. When that person is gone, they are GONE and your life changes in more ways than most people realize. You don't just lose a person, you lose YOUR person and everything you have built your life around for so many years. You can be surrounded by the most wonderful group of friends, acquaintances and supporters but no matter how hard they try, it is not the same and never will be again. Not to give myself a pity party it is just a huge observation of what actually changes in your life when the person is gone...Everything.
I recently purchased a ranch vehicle to make it easier for Paxton to haul things around our property but not have to rely on me to get the truck everywhere, and although I think he is a pretty good driver for 12, he has driven golf carts, a lawn mower, go-karts, and a Polaris side by side already but giving him the keys to the Tundra doesn't seem quite what I am ready to do. I was driving a lawn mower at probably 8 years old and a car at 13 on backroads, but my mom also taught me in a small car, not a 4 door full size truck at his age. This purchase allows him to romp around the neighborhood with friends with like vehicles as well as haul animal feed out to the barn from our driveway, move heavy items, load up the little detachable trailer and pick up dog and horse poop and dump it. In fact he can even drag our property at times. It is multipurpose and a good purchase in my mind. We bought it used, but I wasn't looking for a brand new shiny ranch vehicle anyway, saving money is always a plus.
Rewind to last Monday when we decided to go get said vehicle. I purchased it, he loaded it up and secured it to our trailer so glad his dad taught him to use tie-down straps... and he retained it. I have been shown several times, but somehow every time I go to use them whatever I learned has to be re-learned. Sometimes there is so much going on in my brain I don't always fully pay attention. We brought it home, unloaded it and he started using it right away, obviously he had to go around and show it off to friends in the neighborhood, but he did do some work with it on our property as well. Dang, the things that motivate us to do our chores... lol. Anyway after dinner I was inside doing dishes with Alexa blaring country music in my ear. As I was jamming out to be motivated to do my chore, I answered a phone call as he came in crying... UGH!
My heart sank. Seriously.... what in the world. He proceeded to tell me how stupid he was, how he messed up, how his dad would be so livid with him and that he ruined it. I didn't even know what he was talking about but quickly hung up my call with a promise that he was ok and I would call back in a little bit. The neighbor across the street and down one house heard the crash and quickly came to make sure he was ok! I didn't even hear a thing! Geez! Apparently he only opened one side of his dad's gate, you know the one that Steve spent months on welding, took to get powder coated, perfecting it and making it look amazing and we cussed up a storm trying to hang just right (with only my help- that damn thing is so heavy!) and he banged into the other side because he misjudged his turning radius. Needless to say he bent the rod that holds the two gates in place and they don't quite line up perfectly anymore, but they do still shut. I also reminded him that the gate itself ended up with a small dent in it from transport to get powder coated anyway. I am most positively sure it can be fixed and the average person would never know the difference, but just like my wedding ring that had to be cut off several years ago when my hand swelled up so big it was cutting off my circulation the bands never quite aligned perfectly like they once had, and I notice, but am extremely grateful they could even put it back together.
Steve would have been furious and probably some serious spankings or at least a harsh grounding would have been in the immediate future, because his immediate reaction would have went straight to his pride and his hard work that was altered in the blink of an eye because of his sons lack of being careful. I loved him to death, but his Grace and Mercy wasn't always immediate. Steve was always a fast crazy driver to me, but in his 20+ years he was never in an accident involving him hitting another vehicle. He always seemed aware to me of his surroundings, but like all of us, he wasn't always on top of his game. He did get rear ended once in his little work truck, backed into our garage door at our old house, stopped to fast and caused boards from a trailer to hit his tail gate and dent his Ford, oh and jack knifed our trailer with my truck tail gate down and dented that. So guess what Paxton, your dad wasn't perfect either, none of us are.
My immediate reaction was to make sure he was ok first of all, hug him and reassure him that he was in fact not all the negative things he just spewed out of his mouth at me to make himself feel justified in being an idiot. I had him take me to view the damage, which wasn't as bad as I envisioned in my head. Was I disappointed yes of course, his dad poured his heart into making this gate. Could we rewind it and make it not have happened, absolutely not. So my parenting style kick in of laying out a circumstance and situation that you cannot erase, and helping him figure out where do we go from here. Asking him what he learned, discussing what needed to be done to fix it and making him aware of how to overcome this issue. Life's lessons often involve mistakes.
Life is not perfect and we all make mistakes, in our everyday lives, in our careers, in our choices and in our relationships. Some things most definitely can be prevented, but if we prevent everything we would never learn a thing. Making mistakes is a huge... read that again, a huge part of what shapes us is the mistakes we make. Give yourself some grace and learn for the future. We cannot go over and over in our head what we have done wrong in our past and what we should have done for too long because it doesn't change a thing and you will start to dwell and live there. Accept your mistake as part of life, part of your growth and move forward, lesson learned. Too many people live in their past and their mistakes and are really not present in the now or looking forward to their future.
No one was hurt, the gate can be repaired and perhaps the little lesson that he learned will prevent something in his future from happening that he could never imagine possible if he hadn't learned it now. We may never know what that is because it won't happen, but we trust that we will be saved in a situation in the future from what we learned from this one.
Everyday when you wake up, be grateful that you woke up and strive to be better than the person you were yesterday and accept that you cannot move forward being better without those experiences and lessons. Turn them into something good. God needs us to help each other be better people, show not only others but ourselves Grace and live a life of Mercy through example. You cannot make someone be who they are, you can only lead by example as you can only ultimately control you, your thoughts actions and reactions.
In old Testament bible language Grace comes from the word often showing up as "lovingkindness". Grace is a theme showing up in every book of the bible, something that connects and hang on every word you read. In the new testament it is a theme of goodwill through the undeserved gift of God to all of us once our sins have been erased through Jesus Christ. If God can give us the Grace needed to be forgiven over and over again, we can surly extend this to those in our life on a daily basis.
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.
– Hebrews 8:12
Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.
– Proverbs 17:9
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
– Luke 6:37
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