What I have concluded in the last few days that really hit me hard is I am raising a mini- Steve. Did I know this previously, yes, it didn't hit me hard as something I didn't see coming, but I did have to acknowledge it finally. Does Paxton have some of my qualities yes, but the way he thinks, the anxieties he has, the way he processes and reacts to things are very similar to his father. Some of the things I wished I didn't have to deal with but at least I know how to handle after 23 years of being at his side.
I took an Enneagram training on Tuesday that opened my eyes to my own personality attributes, to what Steve was and to what Paxton is. And although Steve and Paxton are not the same his tendencies are similar. Like me Paxton does love to help a true 2.... Unlike Steve, Paxton is a one a rule follower, he doesn't like it when someone bends the rules or does something they are not suppose to. I have known this for awhile. He is also a researcher a 5, like Steve, he wants to know he is getting the right thing the first time around. Steve was this to a T! I am not sure I knew anyone who put so much research and thought into everything they did before doing it. This was great for me, especially taking over all his hobbies, orchards, gardens, watering system, and the amount of tools we have (a little excessive but always prepared). His strengths set me up for success in his absence, even though sometimes I am lost at what to do with them.
I have been told on several occasions that Paxton is well beyond his 12 years. Yes, he is still a kid, but his mindset can take you to someone much older sometimes. This can pose a problem when arguing with him or discipling him, because some of the things he thinks and does are not of a 12 year old mind, but I want to treat him as a 12 year old, because he is. This experience has just made it more prevalent.
When my phone popped up on Tuesday with a random text that said "I need a break".... I knew what he was talking about, but I wanted to hear it from him. I have seen this coming for months and have tried to ignore and push him to play because of what I thought is best for him. He has voiced his concerns to his aunt, to a confidant of his and everyone has told him to play to make his dad proud. I feared him taking a break and never going back to it. I didn't want him to lose the one thing that was the biggest connection to his dad. He has lots of connections to Steve, fishing, welding, animals, golf, to name a few, but the baseball was something that was so prominent in our lives, I just couldn't bare the thought of loosing it. Maybe selfish on my part a little too. We thought he was going to have a break between fall and spring, but there were still practice type things that he was attending. So no "break" was actually there in his mind. I think that this has tipped him over the edge just a little. He sees all these other dads on a weekly basis with the boys and it is hard for him, and being new to this team last year, he really only played with one boy who knew Steve and the connection they had. He just needs time to process everything he has went through. I thought keeping his normal activities would be the best way for him to cope with everything. I was wrong. I have known for months that I was unnaturally pushing him in a direction because of what I thought was best. Personality profiling test like the one I took are definitely a good indicator and reminder that the golden rule may be to treat others like you want to be treated, but as I have said before on many occasion, people respond and perform better when they are treated the way they want to be treated. Let that sink in.
I have one child and I am grateful. I do not envy those of you with multiples that you are trying to figure out on a daily basis plus a marriage or significant other's type. God surly did give me what I can handle in this case. We have actually had a rough couple days and I am completely exhausted from the stress and tension ( honestly I didn’t even think I had that many tears left inside me) that coming to such a decision has caused for the both of us, but today I have felt a huge weight lift as I am certain I made the right decision for us, which through this journey thus far I have said several times is what I will be doing. No one is living our situation or life except the two of us. Those of you who know me well, know that I can be spontaneous but I am not rash. I carefully calculate a lot of the decisions I make and things I do and this was definitely one of those. I wouldn't recommend ever quitting something once it has been started, however there are always exceptions to every rule.
Paxton's coach was more than receptive to the needs of Paxton over the needs of the team, this exemplifies the traits of any good coach. As my friend said to me this morning," Dani, btw, you are doing the right thing, our job as parents is to make good humans, not good baseball players, start with that and the baseball will follow."
So for those of you who follow Paxton's baseball journey, know that we are hoping to resume in the Fall with the regularly scheduled program hoping his enlightenment, break and time to adjust and process without the weight of other outside pressures to perform, make him a better human, a better teammate and a better player.
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