To be honest this is probably the first time I have ever written about something right after I experienced it. I often tend to think it over in my head for a while before I write, or for some of you might say overthink it. I really think the relief that I received from writing this all down after it happened may be a good technique for my healing process going forward.
Somedays things come so easy to me and I am happy and carefree and some days I just want to go back to bed and wish it were tomorrow. Today started out as one of those days. I woke up fresh and ready to go at 5:00 AM. Lots of plans and things to accomplish as I have been helping a friend throughout the week with her Free Prom attire event she hosts for all the local High Schoolers, took on 3 new clients and managed to get some appointments, errands and household chores done in between.
My Horse has Cushing's Disease which affects his pituitary gland so he doesn't shed properly so in order to keep him cooled off in our treacherous summer heat, I shave him a few times a year. This has been going on my 3rd year of doing this now. Last week I was able to shave 1/4 of him before my clippers dulled, and they just weren't eliminating the hair and I didn't want to irritate his skin, mind you I have never sharpened or replaced them yet. So I ended up ordering the blade on Amazon as Tractor supply was out. Being as busy as I was I didn't have time until this morning to get up and do it.
Who has a complete breakdown and balls her eyes out trying to replace a blade on some clippers? This girl right here of course. Why would I expect a different outcome! I could take it apart but not put it back together! Really! This has to happen today, it doesn't really fit in my schedule. Why not, this whole week has been hectic and honestly both Paxton and I have had our moments of complete sadness and tears to spread. Why? I have no idea! This coming week is my birthday week, but I don't even know if that is the cause. I am sure that I am close to my monthly emotional outbreak anyway... welcome to womanhood for those of you men that don't experience it or have never been around a woman during that time... believe me it is real and no matter how much Steve would "think" I could control my emotions pre-period... it just comes and there is really no control. Hormones are such a quirky thing, especially if you are stressed, depressed or emotional to begin with.
The further and further along this goes, where I am living my new life, the more I seriously hate him for leaving me! I know it was his time and I know that God has a plan for my life everyone says and yes in the back of my mind I do believe this. I also know I am capable, sure I am, can I ask for help? Sure I can... do I want to be able to do everything myself and fit it into my timeline and thrive.. you betcha. Do I hate admitting that I can't do something? More than you know. There are just some things that I don't want to have to do, learn or ruin in the process.
I have a listing appointment at 11 today and I wanted to have finished shaving Gus so that we can ride this evening. It is way to hot to ride him with all of his hair. But setback... life doesn't flow the way you think or envision in your head, most of the time. It makes me feel stupid that I can't figure things out sometimes, no matter how hard I try, or how much grace I want to give myself. Like seriously I was able to use the screw driver to unscrew the blade that was already in place, why in the world would the new blade, with the same looking screws take the same screwdriver? 5 different screw drivers later and I have to give up for fear of stripping the screws!
How much I relied on Steve for so many things I took for granted and never really paid attention to. Believe me I did/do a lot but when it came to the mechanics of things he was always my rescue. Relying on neighbors and friends and people I have to hire is such a brand new world and I'll tell you there is no one who will show up for me at 6AM when I am struggling to replace a blade on a some trimmers, no matter who says they will be there whenever I need them. This is my timeline, not theirs. When you are a mess enough that your child has to hug you and tell you everything will be okay and you just want to cancel the day and hop back in bed but there are so many responsibilities calling your name... yep you must adult today. You just can't call up your new client Mary and say, "sorry but I am having a day and I just can't come today." I mean, yes I could but she has absolutely no idea my backstory and shouldn't be shoved aside for it, or be expected to alter her schedule for something I already committed to.
"You are doing such a great job", "you are such a good mother" " you surprisingly have your shit together for just loosing your husband" "you amaze me that you are so strong" "I don't think I could do all the things you are doing to make your life work" "you look happy" " so glad to see your smile" "you got this" "I know you will survive"... and on and on and on with the compliments of so many. Is it nice that everyone is so encouraging and has so much faith in my abilities? Of course it is... but it really doesn't make it any easier on me as I am the one who has to live it and sometimes it is easier to just pretend everything is ok just to get through the tough times. Somedays it is easy sailing, because of course I am strong and capable, I really don't have any other choice. Then other days I am a big hot mess with tears streaming down my face with puffy eyes at 5:30 AM yelling at Steve under my breath and having to crawl in bed with my 12 year old to console me! Am I even remotely embarrassed to tell you this? Hell Yes! But I promised when I started this portion of my blog I would be vulnerable and real. Honestly, how can I help someone else through something if I am not!!!?
So maybe it IS my birthday week that is really getting to me, maybe it is the frustration of not being able to fix something myself that seems so easy in my head that I am sure I could hand to some guy friend to fix in less than 5 minutes and I am struggling with my "first" birthday without Steve in 24 years. Maybe it is Paxton insecurities over the last few days struggling with "new" experiences as at 12 I am sure he is starting to go through puberty and just wants his dad to ask things to, not really his mom and he is a tad embarrassed to ask anyone else. Trying to be mom and dad sometimes can be exhausting but I wouldn't trade him for the world or ever make him feel stupid for asking, it just saddens me that he has to go through all these first without Steve. Will it make him stronger, I am sure of it, but I wished it wasn't this way.
A little back story for those of you who don't know, or haven't read it before. Every year on my birthday since I was a little girl, no matter where I was, I would come home to flowers, daisies were my favorite at the time, that my dad bought me... fast forward 15 years as he died when I was 14. My mom knew how much it meant to me and continued giving me flowers every year on my birthday from my dad, she wanted me to feel his presence and make my day that much more special, my grandfather also died on my 14th birthday so I think in a way my mom wanted to ease that sadness that was hovering around me as well, even when I moved out of state, even when I got married she still sent or brought me flowers. Fast forward another 20 years when she died and Steve carried on the tradition. Just because, not because I asked him to or expected it of him, but because he knew the back story. And you all wonder why I like flowers so much... even after I received so many when Steve died that I wanted to chuck every vase at the wall because no flowers could ever come close to consoling my hearting heart, they still make me happy and put a smile on my face and I love to have them in my home.
Flowers are funny. You can watch them bloom, thrive and die. It is just the circle of life. Some last longer than others and sometimes I never know when I buy them for my table if they will last 2 days or 2 or more weeks. No expectations, I just enjoy them while they are here. For flowers it is a lot shorter than humans but we can definitely use them as an analogy to enjoy life the best you can in the short amount of time you have that you have to make each day count, we don't really know when we will no longer have that opportunity.
My son is 12, he doesn't drive and he isn't expected to get me flowers unless he really has an inkling to do so himself with no push or bug in his ear from anyone else... ( all of you promise me). He already asked me what I wanted for my birthday and then when I came up with something else and suggested we go shopping together to pick out a summer robe, he proceeded to tell me we could of course but he already knew what he was getting me. He is such a good soul and I am more than blessed to have him in my life. I pray every day that I am raising him to be a good adult and he finds his purpose and lives his life with passion and is good to some woman who truly adores him and treats him with like respect.
I have a good friend who has sent me flowers every month on the 3rd since Steve died (Sept 3rd) and it is such a wonderful gesture but no amount of flowers no matter how much I love them can take my pain away. They do remind me everyday that life must be lived to the fullest, you must acknowledge those who mean the world to you on a regular basis, tell those you love how much they mean to you, make your life count, forgive, enjoy and let things go that are beyond your control. Today the clippers are really beyond my control, at least in the timeline I had expected.
So here is to showering off my tears, with a little depuffing help of some cucumbers... picking my head up, getting ready for my appointment, nailing the consultation and scoring some new business, and finding someone this afternoon to help me unscrew my blade so I can put it back together, shave my horse, relieve his body heat in this 90+ degree weather we are enjoying and go back to being right in my mind reminiscing of all the great birthdays I have celebrated with loved ones so far and knowing that good things are still to come. I am still here and as I have said several times, my purpose hasn't been fulfilled yet so I will pick myself up, dust myself off and trek forward. I still have people to connect and lives to inspire. God isn't finished with me yet.
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