Paxton has been wanting to sign up
for the Jr. Bassmasters for months now since our buddy Rob told him about it
and we checked into all the requirements and he couldn’t wait until August, for
sign-ups. Counting down the days we attended our first meeting last week at
Cabela’s in Glendale, where he got to find out more about the organization and
its rules and purpose. To be able to qualify for the big tournaments that will
happen in California and Wisconsin next year, he would have to have a team
member who was high school aged to compete with. He could do a draw where he
got a different boat captain and a different partner every time, but the junior
division is much different than the high school one and from experience I can tell
you that would not satisfy his need for competition.
We have been communicating with
this family back and forth getting ready for sign-ups for a little over a month
now. He is a freshman; his grandpa had a boat, and his dad was willing to be the
boat captain. Thank goodness. We have a perfectly capable boat, that I have
backed down, driven the truck and trailer to park, and even drove around the
lake a little bit. I have never launched a boat on the water or returned it to
the trailer when we where done, it was second nature to Steve and why would I
have ever thought I had to do it by myself, so I never asked him to show me how
and I am sure he never offered to avoid the frustration of teaching me
something he could so easily do himself. Believe me there are a lot of things I
wished I had him show me or teach me if I would have known life would turn out
this way. But I didn’t so I am willing to learn when needed, but I also wasn’t
confident enough to be boat captain unless absolutely necessary. Plus, I didn’t
know if Paxton and I would butt heads on the water, I am definitely not Steve.
This family didn’t end up coming
to the meeting they watched the live version online. For those of you who don’t
know our area, Glendale is just about 1.5 hours from our home depending on
traffic. We made the trek over there, had some dinner with friends who live on
that side of town first which made the trip even more worth it. We decided by
text that the boys would fish the 8 tournaments to get them to qualify, the other
boy would miss the very first tournament, but Paxton could still fish it with a
boat captain and an observer (there always must be 3 people to a boat) to
qualify for points on his own. We planned to get the boys together to meet and
do a little urban fishing or even meet for ice cream.
Yesterday morning after I signed
Paxton up, got his Youth Bass # and paid all the entry fees for the season, the
family reached out to let us know that after careful consideration they could
not commit to the all-in 8 tournament season. I was devastated for Paxton knowing
that the sparkle in his eyes as his face lit up on Thursday night at the
meeting with the thought of getting a fishing jersey full of sponsors to wear
and the possibility of going to fish a lake in the Midwest next summer was the happiest,
I have seen him in over a year.
My mama instincts immediately
wanted to “fix it” before I even told him what was going on. I knew that if I
mentioned him only fishing the 4 tournaments the other boy was willing to commit
to, he would be super disappointed and let me tell you this week, I just couldn’t
handle that. Yesterday when all this was going on he had stayed the night at
his aunts, I was home by myself, and it was 29 years since I lost my dad when I
was a freshman in high school. We were 6 days away from the one year losing
Steve and I just wanted something to be happy about and not something even more
disappointing.
I asked the guy in charge of the
organization if they knew anyone needing a partner, I looked on the angler’s
website, I asked Rob, who tried hooking up these boys originally if he knew any
other boys looking for teammates. I reached out to a dad on Facebook who was
previously looking for his son. We communicated back and forth some, but they
were in the middle of a move, and we would have to connect more later. I
finally let Paxton know what was going on. He seemed disappointed but was
determined enough to make it happen that he devised his own plan. For this I was
super proud of him. I tried to fix something that I didn’t need to. He took the
reins just as if he were a top his horse Hope and steered in the direction he
wanted to go. His heart and passion are into fishing, and I couldn’t be more
grateful that he has this passion. Something his dad taught him that he can
take what he has learned and turned it into something promising and great. A
bond that they still have but one that is filled with positive energy and enjoyment.
I couldn’t tell you why it is any different than baseball, but it just is. I could
speculate why but when asked he just couldn’t pinpoint the differences for me
and that is ok. Sometimes it is just a feeling. We didn’t ask for this hand we were dealt but
we can let our feelings and intuitions guide us to adapt to moving forward.
We can provide the boat, so within
a few hours he had not only arranged his own boat captain, his uncle Mike, but
convinced his best friend’s grandpa to let Aidan sign up to fish with him, he
is a freshman and so therefore they qualify to fish the high school circuit. I
couldn’t be prouder of him for organizing his own arrangements, planning to get
his boat fixed and already plotting and planning how to get the boat to his
uncles the night before, looking forward to studying the lakes to find the good
fishing spots and staying the night so they could leave first thing in the
morning to get to the lakes and fish their hearts out.
Was I worried that it wouldn’t all
work out, you bet I was, was I determined to figure something out for him… this
mama hates to see her little hurting and wanted to find the solution and find
it fast. Did I need to worry at all? Obviously not, he stepped in and had it
under control in his own way on his own terms and it worked out the way it was supposed
to. Like Mike said, how can you say no to this boy! He is just like his dad who
could most always convince someone something was a good idea, just by the way
he presented it. So, there is a positive trait of Steve’s that I am grateful
that Paxton received, now to just let him run with his ideas and stop trying to
fix and control everything. It isn’t always necessary. I have faith he is going
to turn out to be a fine young man and I can’t wait to see where his journey
takes him.
One
year ago, today was a Sunday and we went out to celebrate my niece’s birthday
without Steve, something that he never missed in her 16 years of life. They had
a special bond the two of them, I don’t know if I could even describe it. We went out to dinner and ice cream while he laid in a hospital
bed not even able to wish her a happy birthday. In the car on the way home Cami
called to say that her and Trent had gone to the hospital to the window to see
Steve and they would be there to support us if we wanted to join them. At first,
I didn’t think we did, then Paxton decided that he wanted to go. We had not gone
up to that point per Steve’s request when he was awake that he did not want to
see us for fear that he would start crying and he already was having a hard
time breathing. After he went on the ventilator, I couldn’t bring myself to go
look at his still body trying to sleep and heal itself without the thought of
me falling apart. We went to meet them, and I will be forever grateful for this
picture that Cami captured. It is priceless and shows just how vulnerable one
can be in the uncertainty of time. He
was apprehensive at first to want to look at his dad laying there looking
lifeless in the bed, but he eventually made his way to the middle of the
window. And I know that this is something that he had to experience at the time
to help him realize the extent of his dad’s illness and come to terms when he
was not able to come home like any of us wanted, planned, hoped, or dreamed
over the last month.
As
a society we love to the plan and be prepared for the things in our future but
sometimes that is not how it’s supposed to turn out. And the more easily
adaptable we are to the interruptions, curves, and changes in our situation the
more positive and productive our lives can move forward more smoothly. Some of
our greatest moments and strongest accomplishments are not even planned. I know
I’ve repetitively said “just go with it” a lot lately and sometimes that’s the
best that we can do. I truly believe that our ultimate destination is Heaven
this life is not a destination it is a journey with all its ups and downs, and
it is our choice to make the most of them as they come.
As we approach the 3rd, I want to think that I am going to make
the most of this week I’m going to refocus my thoughts on the good memories
when my heart gets sad, I’m going to have as much patience as I possibly can
with Paxton and his emotions as well as with myself and my own. I asked God for
these things because I don’t want this to be a totally negative week. I know
sometimes emotions come no matter what you do and avoiding them completely
doesn’t help either, so we will deal with them as they come.
As Paxton was getting ready for school this morning, I reiterated
that he needed to focus on catching up on all his work from a couple days he
was sick last week to make sure that he kept his grades up and that this will
be a successful year for him. He let me know that this was going to be hard
enough week for him as it was and to get through it, he needed me not to pick
on him. As parents I think that we often display our concerns in a nagging way
because we know how important the end results are in most cases because we have
been there. But we need to put ourselves back in our children’s shoes
especially these days with all the pressures and expectations that seem to play
heavy on their hearts. So, what I’m going to do is to be there for him, open up
my communication even more, be willing to alter our plans as needed, and stay a
good, firm parent filled with as much grace and mercy as I possibly can give
out.
As I reflect on 29 years ago when my father passed away (who could
have not even imagined my child would lose his dad 28 years after I lost mine,
almost to the day).
I commend my mom for being able to handle her grief and mine and
still balance her responsibilities and grasp for her happiness without
completely falling apart. I can only pray that I will do a good enough job with
this as well. She was always the one who I went to when I was sad or hurting
and when I had any exciting news to share, although she is no longer here to be
my go-to person, she is still at the top of my list to talk to when I need to
she just cannot talk back. But I choose to look deep within my heart and find
her comforting me like she always had with words and reassurances I previously
remember her using and ones I like to now use to comfort and calm my child.
Beautifully said 🥰
ReplyDeleteThank you
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