Leave Your Umbrella at Home and Dance in the Rain

I haven’t blogged about this yet but it has been heavy on my mind. Sometimes when you change stuff up too many times until you get it right,  you do get a little worried about what other people are thinking but ultimately you have to make decisions based on what works for you and your family’s needs. Some of you probably have no idea that I pulled Paxton out of school again the week his grandmother died in February. In this case, switching Paxton schools again to many outsiders probably looks like I am just giving into his demands or manipulative behaviors because he isn’t happy, or it isn’t working out how he wants or expects, and in some ways they are right it isnot working out how he wants or needs, but why should I have to mold him into something other than what he is by forcing him to stay in a situation that just isn’t working if I have alternatives that will serve him, his learning style and mood, attitude and disposition so much more appropriately!

 I will tell you in this journey I have learned more about the differences in how someone learns, how someone copes and how someone expresses their feelings more than I have in any other loss in my entire life. Those of you who follow me know how much loss that has been.  I am able to look back at my childhood and the losses that I experienced at such a young age and continued to experience well into adulthood and help me evaluate what I am experiencing now and with my child and how to proceed. Progress, healing, processing, and accepting come in all different forms at different times for everyone, differently. No one should have to fit the same mold, routine, discipline, or regiment if they can choose another in order to excel or continue moving forward.

The last session in my grief share group some topics were discussed addressing the journey of grief and what a new normal really looks like . A big one was other people trying to rush you through your grief because they believe in some sort of unspoken timeline, or their Aunt Gertrude was at a different stage by now… why aren’t you? It has been this long, shouldn’t you feel this way by now? or be moving forward?  No longer be angry?  Shouldn’t you be adjusted by now?  Our group discussed that people who haven’t been through your exact experience lack the insight on how to treat you or even relate to what you are going through and often times don’t even know how to act, sometimes they disappear, relationships change, and new ones form based on how you are changing and the stage in your process. Alert: Realize grief is different for everyone no matter what trauma you have experienced, don’t put expectations on yourself or other people.

Just like not everyone processes things the same, not everyone learns the same either. I was book smart, I made myself stay motivated. I worked hard and had self-discipline. I learned a lot of shit because I had to not because I wanted to or I needed it. My kid is self-disciplined too, but not in the things he is not interested in he doesn't see the value in it. I have a farm kid through and through. His hands on interests and the things his brain retains are beyond his years, he has a lot of his dad and a lot of me in him, some good, some bad, but it makes him who he is. Sometimes it is a struggle for balance and sometimes I just want to high five him for being so amazing, genuine, and kindhearted.  He is a different kind of smart and I am not just saying this because I am his mom. He is the kind of smart that will blow you away regarding the things he is truly interested in versus your typical average school student who is expected to know the same thing as the next, memorizing facts they will never use just to say they can, reciting poems or writing about topics that will never interest them, just because everyone else is doing it and it is required.  If someone doesn’t break outside of the way they are supposed to think or learn when do they learn about other things or truly excel?

 There are so many things in schools these kids should be taught and are not. There are so many things they will never need or use no matter how long society/school systems have taught them.  For me putting him in a 3 day a week private school with 15 other kids where he is in a small group and can hone in and concentrate better for the whole time, get things done with less distractions by misbehaving kids, chaos, and limitations on helping the individual student actually succeed which is what he found in his 35-45 minute classes with 30+ kids that 7 different teachers who have 7 different personalities throughout the day were giving him along with even more anxiety and a platform to lose focus. 

Is school a great place for social skills? It is, especially if you don’t have any or need to form them, but let's face it in 8th grade you have probably developed them by now. But I can be the first to tell you and will have a lot of back up, that my kid is versed in social skills better than a lot of kids his age who can be easily absorbed in their phones and video games. He can actually carry on a conversation with most adults like he is one and he is outside a lot and has friends to hang out with on a regular basis.  He has hobbies and interests and is outgoing. He actually went to the Rodeo this past weekend and got the most snap chat connections from girls he met versus the other boys they were hanging out with just for roping their heels! 8! LOL. I think he has come out of any shy shell he may have and is going to succeed in life just fine in the social aspect. 

He is confident in what he wants, and it shows. For example, he wants things that he can’t have because they are beyond his age group, like driving legally or wishing he already worked a full-time job versus going to school. To be honest he is a better driver than I am as much as I hate to admit it and he probably could do some type of job, he already raises pigs and steers to butcher for other people, his own little entrepreneur.  He already helps out our friend who butchers in his meat shop every couple weekends! But those things will come in time, and he will master them in the meantime, learning as he goes.

Paxton also gets disappointed in himself if he doesn’t get something right the first time, or it doesn’t work. He thinks he needs to know everything instead of understanding that it is ok to not be good at something and then learn it. Some might say perfectionism maybe, but we have time to work on that, no one is perfect or even close so we work on mastering strengths and improving weaknesses instead. You can only work on being a better version of YOU every day. I hate to see him get frustrated, but he usually ends up figuring it out or trying again until he does. Certain things he gives up on and certain things he pushes ahead. He is intense sometimes, I think you could label him as someone who feels and thinks too much, I think he got that from me. I wonder sometimes if it is a weakness, but I have come to accept that it makes me compassionate and that is just who I am. Also being passionate about things and having depth has gotten me to where I am today in my journey. This is my story, no one else’s and I am confident that by sharing it together with him we can overcome and accomplish many things. God has given us unique gifts to use for his glory. We need to look for opportunities where we can use what we have been given with the time and resources that we have.

Sometimes we think we are ready for something, and we want to hurry the results or rush the outcome ahead of where God has intended it to be. Sometimes we place false expectations because of where we think we should be based on societal demands. We might be willing to accept things that just aren’t for us or block other things from coming into our lives purposely or at the right time because we aren’t willing or able to let things happen naturally or in there own time. This can be anything from jobs, goals, dreams, relationships, trips, finances, possessions, and the list can go on and on. A lot of our future is also based on past disappointments. 

I know that we have all been programmed to plan ahead, prepare for down the road, schedule things out and forecast the future. Have you ever looked at the weather, sunny and bright when you left your home, to be completely surprised by a downpour midday and you forgot your umbrella?  You can view this as something that can totally ruin your day, or you can make the best of it and dance in the rain. To be completely honest, a meteorologist’s job is to forecast the future weather and probably is the only career I can think of off the top of my head, where they could be wrong 100% of the time and still get paid. So why do we put so much pressure on planning or predicting what our future holds instead of living the journey day by day and enjoying it along the way even the unexpected things that occur, they are not all tragic! I am testimony that no matter how much planning you do a lot of times it is going to turn out the way it is supposed to and be so far from what you planned. The crashing disappointment when something you didn’t plan for happens is far worse when all you ever look forward to is what you plan. Read that again. Stop and be grateful for your blessings every day, the ones that are already here, don’t wait for the ones in the future to be happy or grateful, be happy in the here and now, the future will come soon enough.

Live in the NOW as much as you possibly can, relax, don’t rush things, let them happen naturally, trust your journey, don’t compare it to someone else, and stop asking for directions from people who have never been where you are going, this is your story, create it. Enjoy the ride. Be comfortable with waiting a little longer for the things you deserve. Always remember that the future comes one day at a time. 

But did you die? Enjoy the journey!

 

“But did you die?”

Back in November I organized a girl’s trip to see my Country Artist crush, Eric Burgett- (Love it All Goodbye and some other great songs) -when I say crush yes, he is good looking, but his music speaks to me and the relationship he portrays on IG and FB with his wife and how much she means to him is so refreshing. These days so many people tend to take others for granted or lose out on romance in a relationship to focus on the hook up portion of it. I haven’t dated in a long time but from what I have seen a lot of my girlfriends go through the pursuit doesn’t seem to have as much effort as it once did and what I have dabbled in thus far in the last few months the effort is lacking. I think too many girls tend to settle for what they can get instead of waiting for what they are worth. I get sometimes as women we lack patience and just want everything to fall into place but focusing more on the journey than the outcome can seriously put us in a better place to receive what we deserve.

Our trip came together and what originally started as asking 4 other girls, one who didn’t go because she had been out of town the previous weekend, another that had something come up at the last minute and she canceled and one girl who happened to be in town and went instead turned out to be an epic trip. The 4 of us drove to Vegas on a Thursday night and rented an Air b n b. All 5 of these girls are my friends and I have a different bond and relationship with all of them. But this specific group of 4 of us seemed to form a bond together that could never be replaced or interrupted. Sometimes you can get a group of girls together who all know each other but through 1 mutual friend and not everyone gets along, understands or is fulfilled by the group as a whole. This particular group just fit.

For those of you who know me well enough, or have ever been in a car with me, you know that I can get you there safely, barely, “but did you die?” So that was the motto of our 1^st trip, along with a bunch of other coin phrases that I will not bore you with because you simply weren’t there and it wouldn’t be as funny. This particular phrase has applied to a lot of different situations that the 4 of us have been through, talked about, experienced and lived over the last 3 months since our 1^st trip. Sometimes serious, sometimes funny, and most definitely eye opening in some cases as we each ride our own roller coaster of life toward the path of our future, separate, but with the support of one another. No judging, no lecturing, a lot of crying, laughing, and most importantly fun.  

We just got back from our 2^nd Epic Trip to Fort Worth Texas last week. Again another fun-filled trip complete with a Historic Haunted Brothel Hotel experience where we were able to get away from our everyday lives, aware of but partially removed from our responsibilities back home, able to let loose, have fun and maybe do a stupid thing or two… like someone losing their phone the very first night and guess what Jinn isn’t the best driver either so there is that…” but did you die?”  Haha! Refreshing that I wasn’t the only one who is easily distracted while driving. We cried again, laughed, and most importantly had fun! We renewed each other’s spirits, had some eye-opening experiences, and came back ready to tackle whatever it is that we need to work on the most. Just being around other girls who may be going through similar feelings but different situations, in such close quarters, with absolutely no judgement, is enough to help you continue with your own journey, battles and triumphs alike when you return home.

During our visit we happened to be at a little outdoor bar live music venue and a lady the table over from us was wearing a hat that said, “but did you die.”  Of course we had to go up and strike up a conversation, she had ordered it online and we swapped stories. As we headed to the airport on Monday we stopped at a little Indie town for some shopping and drinks. The minute we walked in the store the first tee shirt I saw said “But did you die.” It was a basic boring black with just white letters so I asked the owner if he had hats. They did, the ones that you can remove the Velcro patch and have any saying you wanted. They happened to be out of that patch when I noticed a hoodie that had the same saying on it. If you know me well I could probably own as many hoodies as I do cowboy boots. I love hoodies. So we each bought one because well, why not it seals the pack.

Fast forward to Tuesday when I woke up and put said hoodie on for the day, it was chilly in Florence, I just got back from a 4-day trip where I was renewed but exhausted and just wanted to be comfortable. As I sifted through all the things I had to do that day I realized I had my grief share group that night that I facilitate at one of the local churches and I literally just laughed out loud. I thought to myself, can you imagine what in the world those people would be thinking if I showed up in that hoodie to our group. Some of those people are so new into their grief that the appropriateness may have been lacking for them to think it was as funny as I did, especially since they don’t know the context or the backstory of it. So, I changed.

You could take that saying in a lot of different contexts just by your tone of voice, and someone who just reads it could interpret it in a lot of different ways.  Funny how sometimes what we intend something to sound like when we express it someone could totally take another way. This is why again I stress communication is so important, texts and emails can be totally taken out of context, tone is absent, and without an explanation it could be a disaster.   I then began to think to myself, Dani, you just lost your husband a year and a half ago, and that saying never once crossed my mind to be anything other than what our girls trip made it to be… a funny saying that we can get through all of life’s struggles, twists, turns and sometimes barely hanging on, but we are still here, living our life, hopefully to the fullest. Each day is a blessing. It made me truly reflect on the saying in my own situation. “But did you die? “I did not, just yet. So, I need to embrace every moment, learn from my mistakes, be a better person than I was the day before and truly enjoy and embrace my journey. I am still here for a reason and not everyone has been given that chance to live longer so I feel it is my duty still being here, to bring light to those around me, share my experiences to give hope to others to keep going, laugh at life and accept that we are all going to die someday, so if we have the opportunity to say… “but did you die”  we must still have something important to do here, take charge of your life and make it count.

 

7 rules of life

1.       Let it go- never ruin a good day by thinking about a bad yesterday.

2.       Ignore them- don’t listen to other people. Live a life that is empowering to you.

3.       Give it time- time heals everything if you embrace it.

4.       Don’t compare- the only person you should try to beat is who you were yesterday.

5.       Stay calm- it is okay not to have everything figured out. In time you will get there.

6.       It’s on you- only you are in charge of your own happiness.

7.       Smile- life is short, enjoy it while you have it.

Honest Truth, Tik-Tok, and My Heart on My Sleeve

  

So, a friend of mine last week said something that truly hit me. I didn’t really get the response I anticipated from someone after pouring my heart out about how something made me feel during the week that my mother-in-law died. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, tired, frustrated and just numb. So, I used that as an excuse for expressing the feelings that I did. I am an in-depth person and I love to communicate how something makes me truly feel. I don’t know that as humans we can ever really connect with anyone in any type of relationship without the honest truth. Unfortunately, a lot of people tell you what they think you want to hear instead of how they truly feel. And sometimes true feelings that are raw and not sugar coated can extinguish a relationship, between lovers, friends, and even family. Not everyone listens to understand, and not everyone expresses their true feelings.  

 

I have a few go-to people who I can run things by for criticism or validation to be a better version of myself, usually before I hit send or post, but sometimes not until after, which in all honesty editing things is sometimes important, however the more you edit and fine tune the less raw and perhaps less effective your message is.  

Transparency can be the key to more successful communication. Unfortunately everyone doesn't view it that way.  In this instance I had already hit send. I later sent it to my proofreader and then I immediately came up with all the things I should have left out of my message or not said because maybe the trauma of my week made me a little too vulnerable and transparent. I felt like maybe I made a temporary lapse in judgement that maybe not everything is meant to be said… but maybe it needs to be, so why am I second guessing myself???  

 

She said to me: Never apologize for being you, ever. Never fault yourself for putting your whole heart into it.  

 

I see so many people trying to change themselves to impress someone new or keep someone that they have from leaving. I have lost so many people in my life to death, it doesn’t surprise me that my biggest fear is losing people... I however never want to lose my genuine self in the process of trying to keep someone, not everyone is meant to be kept. 

I’m not saying that changing is a bad thing we are all constantly changing, and sometimes we must change to better ourselves and be effective to those around us, but when you have to hide who you are or change how you act or talk in order to feel valued, loved or respected is when it can mess you up. Who wants to start out as someone they are not just to gain someone or something and fall back into old habits (their true self) and become who they are comfortable being just to be rejected later or live their life as a lie going forward forcing themselves to adapt to their circumstances, but never truly be happy, full of joy or feel free.  

Sometimes this can cross the line of being your true self versus being fake. Our goal should be to be happy, full of joy and enjoy our journey. I struggled with writing this because you can take this in a few different ways and contexts and I didn’t know how deep I wanted to go with it, but I will try to be as simple as I possibly can in explaining.  

 

Not sure how much of a social media buff that you are but if you’ve ever come across Facebook or IG Reels or Tik-Tok‘s they can be full of advice on how you should or should not think, behave or act to get the result you are looking for.  Sometimes you can get sucked in by the loose advice of some of these influencers, who have either,  in my opinion, experienced some traumatic event that has driven them to profess it and find their outlet or own healing. In that way it’s no different than my writing because I write from what I know and my experiences and share in case someone else can relate. But I do it for me above anyone else. If I help someone that is a bonus.  

All who are passionate about a subject or just really wants to educate people in order not to get hurt or destroyed by something that hurt or destroyed them, give someone pointers on how to heal based on their experience, or just be relatable, so often people can become victim to I am the only one going through this mentality. And no matter what when you click on something, the social media gods know or think that you’re interested in that topic, and you get a lot more of it whether you want it or not. You can literally scroll for hours.  

 

Unlike my late husband, I am good with about five hours of solid sleep and so I have some extra time on my hands at night and sometimes these things can suck you in whether it’s something relatable or not I often find it entertaining to find out what other people focus on or give advice about. They have their opinion and I have mine. I am more of an observer than one to comment or participate.   

 

And I don’t care what their advice is about, how to put on your make up, relationship advice, how act or not act if you are looking for love, biblical references and preachers, showcasing new upcoming vocal artists, or how to cook something the best way, there are so many different versions of pasta I think you could try a new one every night for years. LOL! Everyone has their own opinion of how that should look and your mind can get filled up by all the differences in what someone’s experience has given them in order to tell you how to deal with, cope with, fix or improve something.  

 

If you can imagine,  some of those videos can be exhausting just watching them trying to decipher what is going to stand out in your  mind to help you with whatever situation you are in or what you are trying to improve. You will decode and take their impressions from these videos and do what you want. But caution, take it all in with a grain of salt, not every social media influencer is speaking to YOU no matter how many times they say if you come upon their video it isn’t by chance. Keep scrolling, you don’t need to change something that isn’t broken for you, the last thing you want to do is make a good situation worse by changing what is working.  

 

But in my heart, unless it is something that is for the better and comfortable for you to do don’t completely change who you are to impress someone or gain someone in your life or false idea that in doing so you’ll somehow find happiness or more fulfillment! Just like make up and diet advice, there are so many different choices and plans and one size does not fit all. 

 

Changing or apologizing for who you are for the better is one thing. Changing or apologizing for who you are because of someone else’s expectations or demands should not be acceptable unless it makes you feel good about what you are doing and the right decision for you.   

Ask Yourself: 

Who is my real authentic self? 

Is this change benefiting me or someone else? Or both? 

If it is benefiting someone else, will it make me happy or miserable? 

 

Don't get me wrong I naturally love to serve others and love to see others happy and thriving but I have had to learn I can no longer do it at the expense of my own happiness. Don’t live the rest of your life, prioritizing everyone’s happiness over your own don’t live for someone else’s happiness-  if being your authentic self pushes someone away, they weren’t meant to stay. Your power lies in letting go and moving forward.

Spilled Coffee, Door Dash and a Purpose

 

I really cannot comprehend how one single cup of coffee could make such a mess. Sitting at my computer yesterday morning, trying to get some work done and Paxton’s cute innocent(lol) puppy comes running through the doggie door and right up to me and somehow the next thing I know the cup of coffee is all over my huge table, covering the bench, splashed on every chair and the legs of the table as well as inside the pocket of my handmade leather tote bag sitting on the bench. The way the scene looked you would have thought the whole pot spilled. There went the stellar start to my day- the first day I felt semi-normal in the past 5! I was praying that just didn’t set the stage for what I was going to encounter for the rest of the day, I have had enough disappointing days in the past week. I had to remind myself it was just spilled coffee... nothing worth ruining my day over. 

Rewind to Saturday, I was laying in bed when my phone rang, 7 AM on the dot, my sister-in-law never calls that early in the morning, I knew before answering… she spoke with tears in her voice. Her mom, my mother-in-law, had passed. She had been struggling health-wise since Steve passed away and had been in the hospital for almost 4 weeks, not seeming to rally from whatever was causing her to decline, maybe a broken heart.

This past week has been sad, chaotic, challenging, overwhelming to say the least. A boy of 13 who has lost his great grandma, dad, 2 great uncles and 2 grandmas – 4 of the 6 in the last year and a half. That is really a lot for any young person to take in.

He has struggled with anxieties, school, and everything else I have mentioned over the last year and a half of these blog posts. Overcoming these obstacles is a must, but a challenge and at his young age even though everyone tells us he is so much more mature than his actual age, even his counselor, he is still a kid, and processing just the loss of his dad statistically could take 3-5 years, and I have said there is no real timeline, everyone handles things in their own time, so all of this in a short period of time can really take a toll on a person, especially a young one. Do I feel like he can handle and overcome this, do I feel like he is destined for good things to come, hands down I do. God has a purpose for him, and I am excited to watch him on his journey. He may not be going the conventional route, but I truly believe he is destined to do great things. Do I wished everyday that I could fix it all for him? That I could make it all go away and make his life less hard? You bet I do. Do I fully believe he needs to experience the things that he is in order to prepare him for his purpose, if I thought anything less than this I would not be giving God, the Universe or him enough credit. I don’t know that I believe in chance.

This week has been hard. We have had a few different disappointments and stress factors on top of her death to deal with, Monday we may have taken a day to do absolutely nothing but cry, stay in our P.J.’s all day watching Netflix and for the first time in my life we ordered Door Dash with my $100 gift card someone got us when Steve passed away. I just couldn’t function. I didn’t want to think, feel, or interact with anyone other than Paxton that day, I just wanted to be. I felt like a complete hot mess, and you know what… I was ok with it… It is ok to fall apart occasionally if you know with the utmost confidence that you are not going to stay there and you can bounce back to your natural positive self, make peace with your experiences and continue to move forward. 

This week I started up a grief-share program at one of the community churches in the area. I made a post about this on Facebook to get the word out to others that there is a group program available for those who have experienced a loss to take part in and perhaps help them heal along the way. Everyone’s journey is different but knowing that others may be able share similar thoughts and feelings, no one wants to feel alone in their process, however, I think people often do.  I was approached and knew in my heart that God is calling me to do something other than what I am doing now to help others through their struggles. In writing I have been able to help myself heal and move forward and maybe a few people here and there along the way. What I experience and what I write is sometimes rawer than others, but I always try to make it appeal to a larger audience for a higher purpose. No one should ever feel they are alone in the thoughts in their head, no one should feel like there is a only one right way to do things, no one should feel abandoned in being able to talk about what they are experiencing from emotions to thoughts, feelings and doubts. Neither we nor our circumstances are ever perfect.

I know my journey and writing from my heart comes from grief due to loss from death. I have had several people who have reached out to thank me for something that resonates with them who are grieving the loss due to a divorce. This is where I know that God is using me for a bigger picture, one that involves helping those who need to hear what I have to say and can apply it to their life or situation. I don’t believe there are limits or restrictions on my audience if I am doing what I am doing with pure and honest intentions.

My initial grief share group in my opinion was successful, I had 6 participants, people shared what they wanted, everyone was able to relate to someone else there, lift each other up, encourage and resonate with fears, doubts, and emotions that other participants were experiencing, there is potentially always going to be someone who has some of the same thoughts, feelings, anxieties and frustrations as you do… you are never alone.  Week 1 of 13 down and I already have take-aways that I can use myself going forward. If I was asked to be a participant and not a leader, or if I was asked 6 months ago to lead a group at this capacity, I don’t think it would have resonated with me… always remember trust the timing of your life.

I see you on the days you move mountains. I see you on the days you don’t get out of bed. Whichever day it is today, you are beautiful, strong, and brave. I just wanted you to know. Stephanie Bennett-Henry

We can rejoice, too. When we run into problems and trials. For we know that they help us develop endurance. Romans 5:3

 

 

 

balance verses harmony

 

Alright, here we go again with my research. When I compare something, it makes more sense when I can see what the difference is, so it makes it worth looking it up.  I wanted to know the differences between balance and harmony. I mean I know what I thought the difference was but what does the dictionary say?

What’s the definition for balance?

noun. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc. something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.

What is the best definition of harmony?

noun, plural har·mo·nies. agreement; accord; harmonious relations. a consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts; congruity. Music. any simultaneous combination of tones.

 

A Facebook friend of mine posted something last week and it spoke to me as being very profound that I and others could incorporate in our lives to maybe think outside of our box and the way that we are conditioned to believe things are supposed to be, something more purposeful to strive for, harmony.

I don’t know how many of you are like me and have been told all our lives to prepare for the future, plan ahead, and make sure to balance our lives. Balance health, religion, home life, relationships, work, exercise, hobbies and all the other things going on simultaneously.

This is one thing I have struggled with, especially over the past year and a half, is trying to balance everything in our new life. Grieving, living, health, sadness, happiness, work, school, accomplishments, activities, relationships both maintaining and building new ones and all the other things that are still going on in our daily lives even though we are grieving, everything around us didn’t stop and we shouldn’t either. But balancing it all and not falling apart or failing miserably at times, making mistakes, and learning new things at the same time, finding what makes us happy, and still serving others, being kind and loving to one another is a true juggling act. I have been stressing how I want to be able to balance things out for our lives to run more smoothly and for us to find an acceptance going forward to make our lives enjoyable and particularly less exhausting emotionally with all the ups and downs.

I had the pleasure of hearing Sherry Williams speak at a bruncheon last Spring thanks to Suzy Levenda who puts on the best Women of Strength conferences you could possibly imagine, she has the biggest heart and loves to see others grow and heal through their positive encounters. Sherry was an amazing speaker and her story was inspiring. She stresses how the effects of any life experience can be your excuse… or your power. She makes it her power. If you are interested in finding out more you can visit her site at wisdomsgateway.com.

Her post that resonated with me said this.

Balance is not the goal Harmony is. A scale in balance is stagnant. A vibrant life flows and shifts. – Sherry

Read that again.

I had to read it several times. It hit me the first time, but I needed to make sure what I thought I read would stick. My first thought was my cabin, my mom, prior to her passing away, when she bought our cabin in Pinetop that we Airbnb, she named it Harmony Cabin. I never really asked why. It seemed appropriate. A place where we could escape and be in harmony, with nature, with our loved ones, and with ourselves.

When I think of balance I think of an old fashioned scale, a weight on each side that levels out each other. I never thought of it as stagnant, but her quote made me look at the word from a different perspective. Stagnant is boring. I don’t think we are called to live boring lives. I absolutely love music and harmony makes me think of all the songs I listen to and love that make me feel alive or words that vibrate with my mood or experiences. I have listened to more music and songs and their meanings over the course of the past year than I have ever particularly paid attention to how a song’s lyrics made me feel and how beautiful their harmonies can be.  Harmonies do flow and shift and so do our lives. Our lives are not meant to stay the same consistency all the time.

Her words made me reflect deeper on how I want to be able to find a groove that works for Paxton and I over a balance, we don’t always put the same weight on all the things in our life, nor do we put the same weight on things that others do. That is the beauty of it we have the freedom to choose the things we find the most important and how we prioritize what it is we do. We all have different purposes and finding harmony in all the things we do seems like it should be the ultimate goal. Just like the songs we like to listen to, certain notes and lyrics, as well as songs with multiple artists singing together have more weight over others and it is finding that perfect harmony to make it all come together that we should be striving for our lives to find the perfect flow that works for us.

If you have been striving to find balance in your life, maybe take a step back and consider harmony instead and see where that takes you.

 

 

Photos, Baseballs and a Fresh Start from the Past

 

A friend asked me the other night if I ever felt a shift in my grief. I knew exactly what she meant without hearing more, and I also know how hard it is to explain that feeling to someone. But I am going to give it a go at it as it has happened to me several different times at different stages and for different reasons. Sometimes I have no idea what brought it on and why something seemed clearer or easier to do. It just felt… right. This is peace. When it just feels right.

 Peace, I leave with you. My peace I give you, I give to you not as the world gives. Don’t be troubled or afraid. John 14:27

She described it like missing the person still every day, but not crying every day. I totally understood. I feel that things also shift when you are at peace with something. I could probably give you many examples of this but I have had two in the last week that stood out and I want to share for those who may have had similar things happen and aren’t sure if what they are feeling is normal or unique to them. Like I have said before there probably really isn’t a normal, but everyone likes to have the reassurance that they aren’t crazy in their thoughts or feelings or the timeframe when they are experiencing them.

First off if you have been following along in my journey, you know I let several pairs of Steve’s shoes lie on a rug next to the chair he sat in in our bedroom while he was in the hospital for a month and then for over a month after he passed away without touching them. I went from not being able to put them away to just deciding one day to move them and clear out about 98% of everything “his” in our closet to completely remodeling my bedroom to my personal taste by removing everything but the TV hanging on the wall. Talk about extreme, but I will tell you having my relaxing calm personal space where I can retreat to and listen to music, write in my journal, and read has been a game changer for my frame of mind. I am not sure I have ever spent so much time in my room before in my life. With these changes throughout the house, painting, flooring, and some new furniture all our photos came down and I didn’t put them back up. To be completely honest, I have been with all of you so far, I couldn’t handle looking at him every day. I have one photo in my living room of Paxton as a newborn, Steve’s arms and Paxton’s tiny fingers latched around his thumb and that is all you see.  

 There are still photos in my hallway toward Paxton’s room in a collage from over the years and choice family photos from different stages of Paxton’s life and I never look at them. An overwhelming sadness comes over me and I just can’t live in sadness every day! In Paxton’s case he purchased a phone case with Steve’s photos all over it that he had on his phone for over a year before switching it out. An example of how the two of us dealt differently with the reminders. Those reminders are everywhere in all capacity, some just bothered me more than others.

I was laying in bed the other night looking at my phone and a photo suggestion popped up and it was a photo of Steve fishing, as I clicked on it my phone started to scroll through a whole album of photos of Steve that I had downloaded for his memorial service slideshow. I proceeded to click through them all remembering each one, where it was taken, the trip we were on, the moment in time in my mind, the emotions attached with some of them. It was actually good for me to look through and remember those good moments and times from my past, without crying. The experiences that we had getting us to where we are now. I came to a picture of the two of us from when we took family photos reading Paxton my book when Paxton was little right after my book was published… it sat on my entertainment center for years in a silver anniversary frame someone had given us. I wanted nothing more at that moment than to find that frame.  I didn’t get up immediately but the next morning I searched for it. And I incorporated it back into my living room décor. This was a shift in grief, a huge step, an acceptance that I can look at him every day and be comfortable enough to allow the memories to fill me with peace, joy and love rather than filling me with anxiety, fear, or sadness dwelling on the lack of new memories that will never occur.

Paxton has been struggling big time with anger, fear, anxiety, and sadness. He has had a lot go on and I know that the weight of each new thing adds to this heaviness, especially at his age where processing grief is very different than how I process it now as an adult.  I don’t wish these things on my worst enemy let alone my child who all I want is to protect, love and shelter from trials, trauma, and heartache. But I know that this world is filled with all of that. He will be a better adult for all the experiences he has as a child and will learn to cope, overcome, and persevere because of what he has gone through. I did, and I think I turned out ok.

Last week we got him on a plan, to do better in school, to work harder, focus more, overcome his obstacles, and push through his doubts and fears. One of the requirements of him was to pick a physical activity and stick to it and be consistent. Since he quit baseball and boxing over a year ago, he hasn’t done a lot of consistent activity except a 35 min PE class at school. He needs an outlet for getting out his anger and frustration, and it is just good for his overall well-being. He chose to go back to his hitting coach.

Mind you he hasn’t picked up a bat and hit a baseball since January of 2022. I know he had some reservations about doing this and how well he would do, what kid wants to get up and embarrass himself after all those years of practice. I said just go and see what happens. Who cares if you aren’t the best, you haven’t hit in a year. You guys… it was like he never stopped, in fact, I think he hit better, more powerfully and more consistently than he did when he practiced all the time. His hitting and catching coach both told him that his natural talent overcame his reservations and that made him beam from ear to ear. I tried my best not to make a big deal about it so as not to embarrass him, but I think I was beaming a little too.

He admitted to me in the car how much he truly missed it. I know he has a lot of reservations about playing baseball again from his dad not being here now or not there when he played school ball or for a new club team which he played both when Steve was sick in the hospital and then died. But I think, I hope, that this conditioning will slowly be the ticket to bringing his love of baseball back around and that it will clear and settle his mind. I am over here with no pressure and no expectations but plenty of love, support and open options if he so chooses to go back to the game in any capacity. But it must be his choice. I will not force him to.

His grief shifted, I saw it firsthand in his expressions, in the tone of his voice and in his smile. Life as we knew it, and what we were accustomed to may have been ripped from our existence, but a lot of the things that we love, we enjoy doing, and bring us joy are still here and it isn’t too late to find them again and incorporate them into the life we are living now.

Will our grief continue to shift as we enter each new phase of our life, as we grow in understanding, and as we gain more peace and happiness along our journey you bet it will and it is ok. There is no need to feel guilty or make excuses for being happy or filled with joy, this is all part of the process and recognizing that it is okay is the absolute best thing that we can do moving forward, to maximize our healing.

A fresh start isn’t always a new place, a new activity or a new adventure. It is a mindset.

Dabbling, Letting Go and the Power of Now

 

There have been a lot of changes recently in our lives. Some include Paxton’s best friend Aidan going to live in Show Low with his mom again after being a staple in our lives for the past 4-5 years. My bestie’s daughter Payton who has been living with us since August to go to college and has decided to rent a house with some of her friends starting in March, a few new relationships I have come across while dabbling into some dating, have been a good lesson of reinforcement that not everybody you meet, or share something in common with is meant to stay. Some are meant to reach, and some teach while opening your eyes to what you want or don’t want.

 

All my life I have been geared towards relationship building. Building lifelong relationships, networking, and building that pipeline of people who trust and support you. Especially in my line of work.  I have more in my adult years recently discovered that not all encounters with people that come into my life are meant for long-term. This can be explained in a lot of different situations. Some people are meant to come into your life for a period, and then go away, some people are meant to have a stronger role at a certain point in your life, and yet they still remain in your circle of friends, but not necessarily in the same capacity as they were meant to for the period when you needed what they had to offer most, and some people will be in your life and stay forever and remain a constant.

 

This has been easily recognizable in my life for the last year. They were people in my life who stepped up to the plate and played a more existent role for a period when I needed exactly what they had to give at the time, they might still be here but not as profoundly. Sometimes this can be relationships among friends, relatives, acquaintances, or someone who was supposed to teach you a specific lesson. But not all relationships are meant to be long-term or lasting and recognizing that that is OK is the key to fully getting what you need and giving what they need out of the relationship. And sometimes maybe you were meant to be in their life more than they were in yours. Nonetheless you can gain something out of every one of them.

 

A high school friend of mine posted something on his page yesterday that reminded me of this book I read years ago from an excerpt he took from it, “Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time- past and future- the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” –  Eckhart Tolle. He talked about how he was changing from what he was doing with his life and going to pick up a pen and start writing a new chapter.  Somethings are not meant to last; they are for you while you need them.

 

I think we are all capable of rewriting our story or starting a new one. I have a friend who is widowed and her and her finance (also widowed) both call this portion of their life, life part 2. Whether you are divorced, widowed, single, or still married you too can experience a life part two! Maybe it is a new relationship, a career change, a big move… We are not the same people as we were at 13, 25, 32, 43 or whatever age you are now.  Sometimes what we are doing no longer suits us. As we grow we change, the people around us grow and change too and we need to mold ourselves into the us that we are NOW! Enjoy the journey of writing that story as it is a continuing saga that needs our focus and attention.  

 

We need to focus more on the now – my friend’s post made me realize I might need to re-read that book here, shortly. I am really thinking that I am going to appreciate, audible, much more than I used to; don’t get me wrong, I love the feel of the pages of a book and sitting being able to read it with my eyes, but it’s crazy as my life is sometimes as much time as I spend in the car , even though I love to listen to music, books and podcasts are knowledge and education will always be a part of my journey. There is always something that you can take away, no matter what it is you consume. So why not consume as much as you can to improve on who you were yesterday on your journey.

 

Like I said, relationship building is good and I am good at it for the most part, but not everyone that comes into your life is meant to be a permanent fixture but maybe set us up for someone who will be. And recognizing that is a step in the right direction going forward.

If there's empty spaces in your heart, 

They'll make you think it's wrong, 

Like having empty spaces, 

Means you never can be strong, 

But I've learned that all these spaces,

Means there's room enough to grow,

And the people that once filled them, 

Were always meant to be let go,

And all these empty spaces,

Create a strange sort of pull,

That attract so many people,

You wouldn't meet if they were full,

So if you're made of empty spaces,

Don't ever think it is wrong,

Because maybe they're just empty,

Until the right person comes along. 

- Ernest Hemingway

 

Good Crys, Puffy Eyes, Shoveling Sunshine and Unanswered Prayers

 

I fully believe in timing, sometimes things meet you right where you need them and then sometimes they are not meant to be until later and other times not at all. Last night I watched the movie Unanswered Prayers loosely based off the 1990 song by Garth Brooks. It is funny how sometimes we pray for things we don’t get right away but only when the timing is right, or we don’t get them at all but don’t realize until much later that was truly a blessing in disguise. Sometimes I want to rush timing, especially if I have a feeling or intuition that it will eventually happen, but I know that I need to chill a little and enjoy the process of getting there, sometimes the process is the best part, skipping over it could ruin the intended path and alter the outcome you were meant to create.

 

 I think it is because I have lost so many people close to me at unexpected and not typical ages, young vibrant and still full of so much life in my opinion, and I want to make sure that I am doing everything I can to enjoy my time however long that may be. I don’t know when my expiration date is and I want to experience all the things I can, give as much love as I can, and make a difference to others while I can. I am a giver, I love to serve, and I enjoy watching other people happy and getting what they want too. I have no idea when their time will be up either and I want to make the most of the time shared.

 

I think I’ve mentioned before that I still love real estate however, there is something I feel God is calling me for a higher purpose in my life. I think that can run parallel with real estate it doesn’t replace it right now. About a month ago, I had the opportunity to meet with a Pastor who I first met quite a few years ago to talk about community and Florence (where I live), and what that looks like for the future. I remember having an interesting conversation the last time, and this one turned into how I can use my grief to help others in a more purposeful way than what I currently am doing, which is blogging and meeting with individuals who are looking to talk about their grief on a one-on-one basis. This would give me the opportunity to be more involved, reach more people and center my experiences in a little bit more structured way through a local grief share, where I would run a 13-week program with a group of individuals trying to make sense of their own grief. It sounds a little scary, but then again, I love a good challenge, and besides what do I have to lose, if I am gaining experience.

 

I have been a leader my whole life in most of what I do whether in working or volunteering or just in general and I am excited to see where this leads me in future endeavors. I made a promise to myself that you will see my name on the cover of something other than children’s books, poems, and blogs in the future. I just don’t quite know what that looks like just yet.

 

I am grateful for the opportunity to have gone back to Indiana with Paxton for Christmas break and spent so much time with my family and friends, to spoil and be spoiled. I felt a huge sense of closeness, inner peace, and love that surrounded us on our trip. It was the third time we had visited in 2022 and it was good for my soul. I know that if I decided to move back there tomorrow Paxton would be on board his goal currently is to farm and he just loves the culture and people there (I will admit it is a different feeling when we are there, but I only miss it when I am there) and my family would welcome us with open arms.

 

I moved to Arizona almost 26 years ago to go to college and fell in love with the state and a young man. He welcomed me into his family, and I established a great support system with new friends and developed a large database and built a wonderful career here. There is a fire in me that loves challenges but to start all over sometimes will prove overwhelming and may not be the right decision or the right timing. I keep telling Paxton if I felt that I had a calling verses a small yearning, I would consider the possibility a little more but for now we are here where we belong and will make the most of it. Besides, after not driving in a snowstorm for about 14 years or having to stay inside for 4 days straight because it was too cold to want to go anywhere, I think I will accept my past several non-stop rainy days and overly muddy property for my almost always plethora of sunshine. How does the saying go? You don’t have to shovel sunshine! And besides if I want to see snow in the winter, I can drive 3 hours and stay at my cabin.

 

Whether it was one thing more over the next it is probably a combination of a bunch of different things, including but not limited to being back to reality, traveling, time zone differences, lack of sleep, someone else’s bed, the holidays which by the way can be very sad at times no matter how much time goes by and several other factors, but being back I have had an overwhelming sense of sadness for several days. I miss Steve and everything that comes with having your person, that person I thought I would live the rest of my life with, come to find out he lived the rest of his with me. Let that sink in. I miss my life as it was a year and a half ago, I am doing ok building a new one that already has a foundation, but it is still so very different and could never be the same again. I miss being able to call and cry to my mom or ask her for advice, and so on….coming up on the 8 year anniversary of her death at the end of this week and both Steve and my mom's birthdays the next it can cause a blanket of sadness to just surround your being, thinking of the good times and the things that you will never be able to share with them again. 

 

While away on our trip I teared up several times during certain conversations or reminiscing about certain past events that happened with people who are no longer here to create new memories, but never let myself cry – like fully cry and I feel like I just needed it. The puffy eyes and stuffed up nose and the sense of just losing control also in the back of my mind while I pushed the need back further trying not to confront it until it overwhelmed my being and just finally, I caved.

 

Last night I just unloaded a bunch of cooped up negative energy and all that was pushed back in my body filling it with the toxin of sadness, anger and grief built up that needed to be released. My BFF who I have known for almost 40 years listened to me through uncontrollable crying, sniffles and continuous nose blowing, which wasn’t actually helping to clear my nose, it was that swollen and stints of this is unfair and why me dialogue that I spewed out as she listened and loved on me through the phone. I am not usually big on pitying myself, but sometimes life just takes you there. Do I usually find the silver lining? Yep, that is what all my friends know me for best, but I am not perfect.

 

People tell me all the time to call them if I need to scream, cry, vent or whatever, and it is hard to do this to another person, even though I offer it all the time for others, I somehow feel guilty interrupting their day, or their current happy thoughts, or family time to share in my neediness.  I often just cry and get it over with, but when I do feel like I need to reach out to someone I close my eyes and let my heart speak to me about who that is. I usually find an answer whether it is spirit guided or just a random lucky name that pops into my head because I have been thinking about that person, lol. To be honest I fully believe it is spirit guided to who will be good for me in that very moment. It was freeing and I slept better than I have in weeks. Did I wake up with puffy eyes and a sinus headache, you betcha, but I am fully convinced it was worth it. Clearing my mind and heart makes all the difference in how much I can give in the present moment and going forward. I can be sad, depressed, upset, angry and completely devastated at times, I just can’t continue to stay there, and I know this.  

 

Taking care of myself is not always about my health, physical appearance, stress level deductions or the things I can gain, sometimes it is about the release and the things that we can let go.

 

Just like my New Year’s post, there are things that need to be left behind in 2022, things that I may have thought were going in a positive direction but didn't quite make the cut, things that may occasionally pop back up that I need to say no to or take care of sooner than later so they don’t take over my happiness or consume my time unnecessarily, things I should not chase, and things that were only suppose to be there for a reason for the season. I need to give myself permission to move forward again, despite any hiccups, enjoy life every day even if it isn’t the whole day, savor my blessings, increase my motivation willingly, and allow myself to experience true happiness however that looks like for me. I am truly blessed to be here and should enjoy it. 

 

Blessed Beyond Belivin’ Eric Burgett

 

I have all I need

Here I am down on my knees

Thankin’ You for everything

Corn grows and the sun shines

I still got dreams worth dreamin’

So many reasons to keep breathin’

That’s the beauty of bein’ blessed

The beauty of bein’ blessed

The beauty of bein’ blessed beyond believin’