Being Present is a Present

 On the Eve of the day that my mom passed away 7 years ago, I sit here remembering the week we had prior to. In the 6 months we knew she was sick up to Christmas she had never been hospitalized until then. I remember how hard it was to leave her to go to Christmas at Steve's family. But I did because that is what she asked of me. I remember bringing her home after Christmas on Hospice and having her in my home for 10 days. I remember how weak she was and helpless. She was always so strong and independent and I know how hard it was for her to rely on people when she just wanted to be able to do everything herself. I remember having to go show a few houses and that Steve had to help her up and to the bathroom and how hard that probably was for both of them, her in such a vulnerable state and him having to assist her.  I remember her falling that week while my uncle was here and cutting her head on a Hunter Dan gun that Paxton had leaning up against a chair in the kitchen that fell at the same time and  broke her fall when she fell piercing the back of her skull. I remember the ER doctor saying that saved her from dying from the fall ( I think God knew I couldn't handle that cause of death), although we never did tell Paxton what she fell on. I remember using Helichrysum oil and that the Hospice nurses couldn't get over how fast her head wound was healing as her body began more quickly dying. 

That evening when she died we were all home. I remember the funeral home director brought Paxton a stuffed animal and waited with us until they transport could pick her up, it was hours. We watched multiple episodes of Ridiculousness with everyone finding a laugh here and there. We knew if was coming, death is inevitable, but even when you are prepared it still hurts those who are left behind. 

The biggest thing that I remember was Steve bringing me home an orchid plant the next day. I am not certain where Paxton or my Uncle were, but I distinctly remember him standing at the end of my counter, telling me that he was so proud of the person that I was, and he wished he could be half of the person I was in generosity and kindness and empathy. I remember at the time thinking it was not that big of a deal, that is who I am. I am here to serve others, and I just do it without thinking about doing it sometimes. 

I remember him telling me that his biggest fear was leaving Paxton without a dad, being young and dying for some reason and Paxton not having a dad to teach him things and grow up how he saw fit. I remember telling him my biggest fear was losing the people that I love, after all the people so close I had already lost up to that point, I was more afraid to lose my loved ones then to die myself. This conversation in all its entirety has come back to me over and over again in my head... did we somehow both know this was inevitable, was this a premonition and we didn't even realize it.  Our biggest fears coming to fruition, just a few years later? Was it fear or intuition? I don't know, and I never will and it doesn't matter now, because you cannot rewind life, you can only go forward. 

He did show an increase in empathy for awhile after my mom passed and also became a little softer than that Steve I was used to having around. When Steve went into the hospital in those days before he could no longer communicate with us, we prayed ALOT together, and still said what we were grateful for. I remember thinking that maybe this is God's way of waking him up to become the spiritual leader of my home, and I remember telling a few people that thought. I remember Steve telling me before he could no longer communicate with me that he prayed that if God brought him home, he would be a better Father and Husband and person. He was a great Father and Husband, he wasn't being punished for anything I know that in my gut, but I was still grateful that he said it.  I prayed for it, I prayed for healing... for a few weeks I really thought this was a thing that would work out in our favor, until I didn't, until I felt he wasn't coming home, until I told him on the phone they held up to his ear, that he could go, I would release him no matter how hard it would be.  Sometimes the Holy Spirit speaks to you and you have to come up with a different plan. Not the one that included all your hopes and dreams and future your mind creates, but the one that is actually prepared for you. A plan that may not have been on your agenda. See that is the thing, we have choices in life, but we don't always get the agenda, so when it doesn't align with the one we set everything is turned upside down. The things you work so hard to create, may not come with the end results you imagined and that is where adjusting can be a lot more difficult then you ever anticipated. 

Steve was never the spiritual leader of our household, I was, but it worked. Prayer was important in our family and saying what we were grateful for at night during dinner or before bed became a tradition for the 3 of us years ago. Steve's answers were almost always good. I remember sometimes they were silly as if he just really couldn't think of anything at the moment, and we would laugh, but it was still something to be grateful for. Being grateful is really a priority. There are so many many things to be grateful for despite the bad. Everyday may not be great, but we can chose to find something to be grateful for everyday. Since Steve has passed, Paxton and I have not kept that as a routine, it is more sporadic these days. I need to make it a point to go back to our habit. 

A week or so ago I was in a good mood and Paxton was dwelling on all these negative emotions. I as I always have when someone chooses to think negatively, try to get them to find a positive in their situation. He backlashed with "mom, this is obviously easier for you to get over then me, you must not be sad anymore...I am sorry it is so hard for me to be happy" It stung, his words. I immediately had to defend myself. Just because I was in a good mood doesn't mean I am not sad, angry, hurt, lonely or devastated. I am not over this, this isn't easy, I have just been through a lot heartache and death in my 42 years and I will have my moments... lots and lots of moments- the tears are streaming down my face as I type this.  I just know I cannot continue to live in them every minute of every day. And taking a different approach to explaining that seemed to work for him. We hugged and he told me that he would be ok. And, I know he will. 

For those of you who may have or are going through a similar situation, the "what if's" will always come. The replaying of situations, words spoken, what if's, and regrets of things said or not said, will always seem to find space in our mind... but we can't allow those to take over.  For those of you who have survived a death, congratulations you are still here. Your time isn't up, there is still work to do, you have some purpose, figure it out, put your best foot forward, and do something the person you lost would be proud of you for. You can't live in fear, sadness and regrets or you and probably everyone around you will be miserable. Some people may chose that path, but I will tell you it isn't going to work either.  God's goal is not for us to live miserable in this life but it also isn't for us to be rewarded yet, that is to be saved for our next home. 

This brings me to the point of this post. When we were eating dinner the night we got home from Disneyland, Paxton said he was grateful that I was there. In his words he was grateful that I was present on our trip. That for 4 days I wasn't so heavily involved in my phone and work that I was just going through the motions instead of truly being involved and enjoying Disneyland and the company we were with. As I reflect on that I was grateful. I didn't really actually do it with intention, I just wasn't super busy with work this past week, but it did make me realize that we often think we are putting our family first by working our butts off and trying to please everyone else so we can have the money to spend on our families and the time for trips to take them on, but if we are not fully present in the moment with them during that time, we may as well not even be there. 

Be conscious of your phone time, your work schedule, your availability to your family and friends. Listen with intention and speak with purpose. You may physically be there, but if your mind isn't there or you are not focused or actually listening or committing to be involved in what is going on in your immediate path, those around you will take notice and the scars you may create while thinking you are doing a good thing by being able to multi-task or provide for your family can negatively outweigh the positive result of that one more client, one more sale, one more saved recipe from tick-tock.. you get my drift. 

Be present, that is the present. 

Romans 12:2 ESV 

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.