I bought these old windows from a Realtor friend of mine who was selling them on Facebook. I was scrolling through Facebook in line at Disneyland and I just had to have them. Sometimes I just have the urge to have something even when I am not quite sure why.
In a previous blog I mention that I was re-doing my bedroom and with that comes every piece of furniture, decoration, paint, blinds and flooring. The only thing I held onto was the TV and ceiling fan(for now unless I see a fan that speaks to me.) As my new space comes together in my head, I am eager to get it into actual reality, and sometimes my patience level weakens when I am exploding with excitement. I can sure be patient showing 111 houses before someone buys one, but sometimes when I am determined to get something, I want it NOW. There is something about remodeling a space that gets me excited for my future. It gives me Hope that I can be happy again. And right now every little hope, laugh, encouragement and success is pushing me forward and helping me heal.
I had my room painted this week, and yes I painted my whole house by myself at one point, 2 houses in fact, but there comes to be a certain point in life if you can afford to have someone else do it, it will save you time and sometimes hassle and frustrations. You all know that I now have a special outdoor space to enjoy. Yesterday I wanted to tackle two projects to get my "new" bedroom moving along in the direction of my indoor retreat. A space that is for me created by me... with a little help from my "design consultant" friend who I bounced my ideas off of. She seems to keep me grounded in most ways without me making quick and/or impulsive decisions that I will want to change in a year or so. I am grateful for that despite my excitement to see the results when it all comes together.
I wanted to hang my windows, of which only a few chard pieces of glass remain, a few more fell out when picked up and unfortunately Aidan lost his balance on our stoop in the garage and his foot landed smack dab in the middle of the pile of panes...I wasn't too upset as the broken pieces of glass still remaining in the window reminds me that there are a lot of broken pieces in our lives that we just can't seem to put back together but we can find other solutions to still making something look great on the outside or even our inside!
I knew how I wanted the windows hung but needed a little phone guidance and support, thanks Robert. You see I had a really handy father, a mother who was pretty independent once he died and figured things out (except for the mice issues- she was so afraid of mice it was almost funny, they are tiny little beings so I never understood her fear, but it was hers to have- we had a 100 year old farmhouse and we basically co-existed. I had to set the traps and dispose of them for her, I’m not sure who she called when I moved to Arizona) and I married a man that was probably as handy as my father, if not more so. Not to say I can't figure things out on my own, but sometimes you just don't want to. I am not necessarily one of those people who has to prove they can do something. Don't get this confused with being lazy, as I definitely am not that!
I bought some eyelets and wire to attached to the back of the windows, measured, measured again, changed out wire that wasn't long enough, tightened and tighten it again until it worked. These windows are so old it was a bit of a struggle as the wood has been very weathered and quite soft. At first I tried picture hangers and didn't like the results because when the window was level you could see the hanger and it definitely wasn't center, this would drive my OCD nuts and Robert assured me Steve's ghost would be pissed.. hahaha.. .and I sure as heck don’t want windows falling off my wall in the middle of the night because he didn't agree. Steve always used anchors in the wall when hanging things and so I figured if I tried that and it didn't work it wasn't something a little patch and paint couldn't fix if I messed up. To my delight, it worked, you couldn't see what the window was hanging from, they fit into one another perfectly as they should, and I even got them level. I was so proud of myself for staying patient and completing this one on my own.
Now when it came to putting together my bed that came in a box in probably 100+ pieces, Paxton and Aidan to the rescue. One of the baseball mom's said it best on my post yesterday, seeing all those pieces gives her anxiety... yes, me too, me too!! My delegation skills took over and I moved on to working on my computer and making dinner instead! Paxton has enough knowledge and experience from Steve in his 12 years of existence and having a best friend who is 2 years older than him kind of helps too... I knew they could figure it out and this allowed less stress on my body and mind.
We as humans don't have to be good at everything, in fact I think it is virtually impossible. Sometimes you need to delegate the things you don't like to do, and be at peace with that. We don't always have to prove something. Like I said in my Facebook post, I don't read blueprints or diagrams well, could I have figured it out... I am 100% positive I could, but why? The amount of time and stress it would have caused me to say I did it wasn't worth it to me. It reminds me about going to Grad school, could I have done it and proven that I could have gotten a Master's degree, you bet, I am smart enough, but even though I started the program twice... getting another degree to prove a point that I could wasn't important enough to me to go through the time and stress and struggle or cost, and I chose Me.
My interior design consultant friend gave me the idea that maybe putting framed black and white photos strategically placed in my window panes of broken glass could be an option. I thought how fun it might be to do some scenery shots of places I have been. Remember this room of mine is mine alone and I decided there would be no pictures of people in it, my living room and hall are filled with those. As my little niece mentioned to me yesterday which I thought was the best thing she could have said at the time when I was relaying the picture idea. " Oh that is such a cool idea, you can look through your window and remember all the places you have been." Yes my dear, that is right, those places that bring back memories of where I have been with the people who mean the most would definitely be something that brings happy thoughts to my day and would be a great addition to my retreat. Because even though going forward things look different and I will never be the same person I was before Steve died my experiences make me who I am today and those will always be treasured.
The view from our windows are usually different, what comes easy for one may be hard for another, what is desired by one may not be desired by another. Just as when I look out the window and see white fluffy clouds and a bright blue sky, your window view may bring a dreary rainy day. Both of our days can be equally joyful and successful if we choose to find the good in our storm. You can use your past or present or fear of the future to clout or clear your heart and mind and soul. It is definitely your choice. Put God in the center of your choices, make Him your biggest design consultant and I promise you will look at life a lot differently.
Proverbs 3:6
"Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." (NLT)
You can learn a lot from people who view the world differently than you do. - Anthony J. D'Angelo
We don't see things as they are, we see them as they are. -Anais Nin
The way we chose to see the world creates the world we see. -Barry Neil Kaufman
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