After back to back funerals for Steve and his Uncle back in September, the thought of going to our friends parents double memorial service gave me slight anxiety. I don't have anxiety per se on the daily like Steve had, but I do get it on occasion. Yesterday was not an exception. I woke up with it. Not that I thought I couldn't handle it or that I would break down in front of a bunch of people, I wouldn't, I didn't even at Steve's funeral. I am much more of a private crier. I teared up a little but I held myself together pretty well. And surrounded by some of Steve's friends since grade school felt good. I may still struggle with my healing every day and I will always miss him, but days like yesterday where I could laugh, smile and feel included sure help along my journey.
Paxton wanted to go to lunch before the services and I was willing to oblige. I got ready and then he was getting ready and I could hear from the kitchen how frustrated he was getting. His favorite jeans had a hole in the crotch, his black jeans were too short, his other jeans were too baggy... he had broken or very badly bruised 3 of his fingers on Tuesday slamming them in the door at a friends house before practice. They have been hurting badly and he cannot put pressure on them or bend them at the top joint near the fingernails. His glove hand of course and he is the catcher. He was already frustrated with not being able to play this weekend in his first tournament of the season and he was having issues keeping stability in one of his fish tanks and researching all kinds of ways to get and keep it clean, he didn't get good sleep the night before and so I went in and helped him with his shirt buttons, 4-5 shirts later, his floor and bed took me back to when I was a girl and my room could be clean as could be one minute and then look like I had more clothes on the floor than hanging in my closet! He is a boy and can wear the same shirt and sweatshirt 3-4 days in a row so I knew there was something deeper going on. We talked about it and I reassured him that it was ok for him not to go. He was worried about Trent and Cami because he truly looks to them as family and didn't want to disappoint anyone. I said they were the best people to understand. He threw on other clothes, and I took him to lunch at Cory's Fudge Shop for his favorite sandwich... I was a little over dressed for DT Florence. But heck, he was more important at the moment than changing and changing again. I dropped him off back at home and went on my way.
I have lost almost 30 lbs in the last 6 months so the amount of dressy clothes in my closet that weren't flowery or bright colored and that actually fit me was minimal. I tried on a few things for a couple of my girlfriends and they both agreed on the same, simple black dress. I was a little skeptical because it felt more like something to wear to a wedding than a celebration of life.... I think I wore it to an awards ceremony years ago for a real estate function. But I decided what the hell, if they thought I looked good and it made me feel pretty that would help my anxiety and apprehension about going to my first event of this type since Steve. I mean not only missing these two wonderful human beings that were being celebrated that I have had the chance to know over the last 24 years, my aching heart for their family and strumming up memories, sometimes if you make yourself up, look presentable and feel good in your own skin, you are one step ahead of whatever emotions may come flowing in as the day progresses. The key is to feel good in your own skin.
I am a very humble person and sometimes I lack the confidence in myself because I don't want to seem too proud or pretentious because that is just not my nature. I have a hard time believing sometimes that I am beautiful or worthy... I think we all do. On a daily basis we don't talk to anyone more than we talk to ourselves. And as I am sure all of you may have experienced at some point or maybe struggle with on a daily basis, we allow negative self talk filled with limiting beliefs, insecurity, uncertainty, anxiety and the fear of what everyone else will think or say sink in and take over instantly make us change direction of how we want to feel. And when this self talk comes out of our mouths it definitely can affect those around us and our children especially. I remember growing up with a mom who was always on a diet, always thought she was fat and said so to herself, in her head, in the mirror and in front of me. This gets inside your head and breaks you down. I have vowed to try and talk more kindly to myself especially in front of my son, because whatever I say he will absorb and I want him to have an authentic positive complex about himself, not a negatively learned one.
I am owning the fact that I am not the same person I was 7 months ago when Steve got sick, some of me died right along with him and some of me will blossom because of it. I wore the dress, I owned it, I felt good in it and I was confident. Not once did I worry about what everyone else thought. I had a great time seeing everyone and talking, laughing and engaging. I am sure there was talk, but since Steve died I know there are people judging me and what I do next, it is just what people do. And that is ok, let them, people will always talk so I may as well own my choices and be happy, because I am still here and I have things to do to fulfill my purpose.
When you have confidence, you can do anything. Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times. Confidence is everything. Confidence is what makes that simple white tee and jeans look good.
Psalm 57:2 says, “I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” This is key in understanding God's purpose for your life. God has numbered your days and will fulfill every purpose He has for you.
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