Saturday I was pampered by my friends in the most wonderful ways. I was surrounded by those who I care me and wanted to make sure I had a good time despite my circumstances, sadness or grief. They all did a great job of making me feel good for sure. But to be honest, I still cried before the end of the night. To be completely transparent I experienced nothing but great things this weekend and I was still sad and still felt alone! You wonder why I felt alone... yea, so do I. Maybe the moment I looked down at my phone and saw it was after midnight the date April 3 stood out like a sore thumb to realize at that exact moment it had been 7 months since Steve took his last breath, 8 since he was in our home and I just couldn't believe how time flies. In no way was I intentionally trying to feel isolated, I had no intention of falling apart... in a bar (don't worry I was rescued and sat outside on a bench until the Uber arrived) no one wants to see a grown woman in a bar with tears streaming down their face. It wasn't the hyperventilating kind of cry, just tears falling quietly and for no good reason, (well maybe the drinks + a roller coaster of emotions) I had a great past few days with nothing but love surrounding me. But I didn't have him, whether he did or didn't make a big deal out of me, he wasn't here and at that moment that made all the difference.
For those of you who read my last blog, update, Paxton picked me out the most amazing pink roses he picked out by himself, a very unusual variety but so unique. His aunt Jackie and him planned weeks ahead to make sure I would get them, since obviously he doesn't drive. I know my florist asked me a few times if I would be home on my birthday and I wasn't sure so he had them sent the day before, so I wouldn't miss getting them. This in fact was planned well before the thoughts in my head hit the last post I made. This warms my heart. I have one of the most thoughtful kids even though sometimes he is a kid and drives me crazy! His aunt Tracy took him shopping as well and he picked out a beautiful new halter for Gus that matches his breast collar without even any hints from me. The ladies at Rail 3 Ranch have the most beautiful stitching and signature flowers that I could ever dream of. Both of his Aunts helped him help me feel special and I truly appreciate that! I will keep him. LOL! He is a true gem. Yesterday he went to help his grandpa build a small block wall around his Tortoise's house and came home with $20 in his pocket. He seemed irritated. I asked him why? He said because I told Grandma and Grandpa I didn't want their money. I was just there to help Grandpa. He is such a good soul. I told him sometimes they just want to thank you and do nice things to show their appreciation. You doing what you did without expecting anything in return made you feel good right? He said "of course mom, they are my grandparents I want to help." I said just as much as you felt good helping, they reward you because it makes them feel good, so just accept their token of gratitude and say thank you, no matter how much you don't think you need it or even want it. When someone gives you something in return just say thank you and know it makes them feel just as good to give as it did you to serve. Proverbs 3:27 says "Don't withhold good from someone who deserves it, when it is in your power to do so."
Last week he had written into my date book on Wednesday, Spend Time with Paxton your son across the day. Blocking out me being able to write much else without squeezing it in. This kid is home schooled right now so I spend almost 24/7 with him, but I knew what kind of attention he was seeking, my full attention, a "fun" day that didn't involve me working or being on my phone for half of it. Yes I work from home and my office is close, but things come up, people want what they want and look for immediate answers sometimes, we want instant gratification and that is what sometimes about my job is the downside, it is 24/7. Even when we try to put a cap on our availability or hours, things just need to be taken care of in the now a lot more than some other professions, and that is ok, I reap the rewards of the trade off which is far greater in my mind than the inconvenience sometimes. To a 12 year old who lives it but doesn't see the benefits are greater, it can definitely be a hinderance... remember I was a 14 year old girl whose mom worked ALL the time because she had to to survive. In my point of my career I am in a different place and have some luxuries my mom couldn't even fathom. I know how truly blessed I am, I thank God everyday for where I am at despite what I am missing and the huge tear in my heart. We spent the day hanging out, going to the movies, bowling and doing an early dinner. I kept my phone calls and texting to a minimum and it was a great day, we laughed and really enjoyed each other.
I am not looking forward to the next few firsts right after my birthday but they are coming with gusto, it will be a little tough, but I am tougher, I know I am. Sometimes it is easier said then done. April is Easter, the anniversary of our first date (24 years ago), then our Anniversary in May (18 years). Maybe subconsciously in the last few weeks my mind is preparing for these calendar dates as the year slips by, causing the roller coaster of my emotions that last blog I blamed on mother natures visit, but hasn't quite went away so I can no longer use that excuse. I was born to be prepared for the setbacks in my life and I have always come out more polished on the other side. I remember my best friend battling brain cancer at such a young age and how much love and appreciation she had for life despite her circumstances and knowing then I wanted that feeling too, I also remember growing up how bitter my paternal grandmother was from what she experienced in her life and although I remember some good times with her, I am not sure I ever really enjoyed being around her and I am almost certain she didn't fully enjoy her life either to the extend she could have or even deserved to. I vowed at a young age that no matter what life throws at me, I will not become her. I want to always be grateful for the things that I do have, learn to love where I am in the moment and not dwell so much on the past or be afraid of my future.
Circle back to the attention for my birthday! I didn't expect it but I know that all the people who made a big deal out of me, all the calls, texts, FB messages, flowers, gifts, balloons, and friends that came to celebrate me did so from their heart and with my best interest in mind to make my day that much less difficult and wanted to make me feel loved, surrounded by fun, happy and smiling. They say the best curve on a woman's body is her smile, and I truly believe that. My night may have ended in tears and maybe they were a mix of sad and grateful for all the love surrounding me. So I will embrace their existence as another slight step in my healing process of learning that I can't quite control everything, (you think I would know this by now, I do, but I have to constantly remind myself) I must seize the moments of happiness, create a mindset that puts more emphasis on my blessings, celebrates these milestone firsts with love in my heart and beautiful memories and creates the new me, the one who has to learn to be me, without Steve, from my circumstances going forward. In everything I have been taught planning a year from now, 5 years from now and 10 years from now seemed like a good goal to have. Living in the moment the things I planned for are now obsolete without Steve. So therefore not sure why planning has such an emphasis put on it. It is great to have goals and smash them using a timeline, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way.
Enjoy your now. Don't put off that goal, that vacation, that time, that phone call, telling that person you love them or waiting until you make more money, lose the weight, have a better job, it may be too late. Take the risk, love the person, enjoy each moment. What is that Tim McGraw song... Live like you are dying, because I hate to break it to you but we are. And we have no clue when our time will be up. Everything that I have experienced in life thus far has made me who I am and that will be no different going forward when I look back 5 years from now the person I am suppose to be will be because of my circumstances and my healing process, which is unique to me. I look forward to meeting her and I hope that she is better then the person I am today... and somehow I think she will be.
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