Squashing the Guilt

Oh goodness you guys, it is definitely time to stop feeling guilty and start teaching lessons and raising the boy I want to see grow into a good man. 

He was robbed. There is no denying that, but he is also not the first or only person to lose a parent just shy of 12 years old and I can’t feel guilty or feel sorry enough for him to continue to try to make it up to him by taking it easy on him, letting things go or letting him learn to talk to me a certain way or disrespect my authority. We are still adjusting but the figuring shit out transition period really has to be over- because the grief my friends never goes away and the pre-teen boy isn’t about to go away anytime soon, Lord, help me. 

A friend of mine sent me a quote yesterday that I sent him after his wife passed years ago. 

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross said: The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.

Last night I made him brush his teeth again (so tragic)  sometimes he begs me he is so tired he will do it in the morning and to save arguing before bed I let it slide. 2 nights in a row now I have not. Last night I said “how many times would your dad ask you to brush your teeth before you did it.” He didn’t answer but he brushed his teeth. 

Last night I also told him that before I could take him fishing this morning he needed to pick up all the horse poop and make sure the garbage can got out to the street before the garbage came.

 As he was walking out the back door he says “Mom, I would be so much more willing to do my chores if it was even”

 I said “ if what was even?” 

He said “you know like I feed the horses and you feed the goats and I pick up dog poop and you pick up horse poop, you know like help each other out.”  

Friends, I seriously almost spit out my coffee. 

“ Oh, I see you want things to be even?” Like I do my laundry you do yours, I make myself dinner you make yours?” 

He says “come on Mom.“ 

Ok,” I told him “while we are fishing I’ll make a list of each of our chores and we can compare and make them more even.” 

He sort of shut the door hard but I let that one slide because I was so excited for my comparison plan to become a lesson  😉 

 

It was a rather windy morning so as he tried to maneuver the boat and got a little frustrated but seemed to maintain a pretty positive attitude for the circumstances more so then I have seen recently, ( I was secretly proud of his control but didn’t want to make a big deal or call attention- sometimes he gets embarrassed easily.)

 I wrote away in my little 5x7 notebook… 3 pages to me verses his 3/4 of 1 page for him ( I am sure I missed some things (like taking the garbage out and bringing the cans back up) but not the point of the exercise I was trying to demonstrate.) 

I said “Paxton I think I am done with our lists.” I read his then asked if he thought I missed anything. He said no. I even offered that I wrote brush teeth and shower on his list to make it seem longer although I don’t consider proper hygiene a chore technically.  Why would you not want to feel clean. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I then moved on to mine. I even repeated some of the things on his list and added them to mine to emphasize that I do them if he isn’t awake on time or if he is absent from home when they need to be done. 

As I read he chuckled. I said “what is funny?” 

“Pay the bills” he said sarcastically, “ that is not a chore”. 

I said “it is a responsibility.” 

He said “ well you HAVE to pay bills” 

I said “well you HAVE  to feed animals or they will die.” 

He said “well we don’t have to have animals.”  

“Ok”, I said. I will get them all listed for sale when we get home.”  

He said “Mom, you are so funny, so funny.”  

I think he got where i was going, for now at least. Wish me luck. 

PS he didn’t want any more of my responsibilities added to his to make it “even.” 

So these are my new strategies  

*Ask him how his dad would handle it.

*Stop letting him persuade me to let him change or postpone something I have asked him to do. 

*Prove to him how fair he really has it- sometimes using paper, writing lists or demonstrating something can go further than words or a verbal explanation. 

I am over the days of trying to make him do things because I said so. When he asks “why” and I say “because I said so” it doesn’t seem to get me very far in the credibility department.

 

Sometimes you just have to explain by showing why it is a certain way for him to understand why my way is better, his way of thinking would really add a lot to his plate if he wanted it to truly be even. Our house doesn’t run it self and things don’t magically get done,  so complain a little less and be grateful a little more little boy. I thought I was demonstrating this by my actions but so far it isn’t necessarily working since most of the stuff I do without complaining he must not see or takes for granted. I’m the parent over here and I’ll admit I need to do a better job with disciplining. But I do think it is not only hard to be the discipliner and the nurturer at the same time it is also hard to find the perfect balance, but I have to do it. 

Now to adjust some anger issues, reestablish some outlets for him, and get him back into sports… one day at a time, one day at a time. I’m not superwoman, although if it came with her body and strength I might apply for the job. LOL. 

Thank you to my support system for your suggestions on how to raise a good adult, you all know who you are- I may not always take every suggestion, I may tweak some to be fit for my circumstances and some might just be perfect for the situation and I’ll incorporate them but I appreciate the opportunity to bounce my ideas and thoughts off of you and make myself seem a little less crazy and a lot more real. 

I saw a shirt the other day a lady was wearing at chick-fil-A it said 

It takes a Village, a Winery and a Chocolate Factory. 

True so true…