Not a Buckle Bunny

I love my son, but I will have to say he is a super protective kid, and sometimes it is too much for me to handle. He worries a lot and he also feels the need to take over the roll of his dad in certain aspects and the next thing I know he also just wants to be a kid. I don't blame him one bit and his feelings, instincts, apprehensions, worries and concerns are all justified, valid and real to him. Sometimes he goes a little too far with his worries and concerns but who can blame him from what he has been through. This adjustment period isn't easy. Feelings are neither right nor wrong they are just feelings. And he is just wanting to protect his Mama, I wouldn't expect any less. 

Do I think he worries way to much about things that may never happen? For sure. Am I trying to teach him that it is okay to have concerns, but that he can not consume his mind with things that will most likely never happen... you bet I am. 

I know that neither of us are the people we were 8+ months ago and that is ok, we shouldn’t be expected to be, but it does take a lot of adjustment, patience, tears, arguments and a good amount of laughter to carry us through. I know he isn't used to his mom wanting to go out a lot, with friends, to unwind and have a good time but sometimes that is what his Mama needs. 

Of course if Steve was still here it wouldn't even be a thought. But because he has plenty of friends especially in our subdivision surrounding him almost everyday, he doesn’t really understand I need that too. So much of my life was spent with his dad for so many years, content and happy and how honestly I took Steve being there for granted most of the time,( not really counting how many times a day we spoke or the simplicity of his presence even when we didn’t speak every second of everyday we were together just knowing he was there was more powerful meaning then I ever thought, now that he is not.) I never envisioned him being taken away so early in my marriage. Yes we were together 23 and married 17 but still seems like such a short span compared to some people married 50+. I guess I am your typical romantic... whether my dad died young or not, I always dreamed of growing old with my spouse and spending  many years together before either one of us said goodbye. No one gets married “until death do you part” thinking it would be over before you really had a chance to live it.  

Did we have our ups and downs you betcha, but the bond we had far outweighed any doubt or obnoxious qualities and I already knew that there is no perfect person, so I was never in search for one. I watered the grass where I already lived. 

I will be completely honest, I am lonely. That adult contact, intimate touch and loving relationship that I lived on a daily basis is gone. I am happy with who I am and learning to love who I am becoming because of this. I am ultimately a positive person and being down, depressed or bitter really isn’t a valid choice for me. The saying goes your either a glass half full or a glass half empty kind of person. No matter which you are remember the glass is fillable. 

Our journey isn’t easy but I am trying to enjoy it when I can. That is how I will survive and thrive. But sometimes I just need to get out of my house and out of my head. I need to have adult conversations and do fun enjoyable things. If not I seriously might become bitter and no one wants to be a part of that and that is no way to raise a kid. 

Paxton and I have had many conversations about his concerns and apprehensions about me going out with friends and what that means over the past months and I try to ease his mind and heart with every one he has. 

This past weekend I got last minute tickets to Country Thunder for Sunday and he was absolutely doing everything he could in his power to get me to stay home. He just went out with us the night before and I had just taken him fishing for 4 hours that morning.  His attitude was off the charts. He seemed ungrateful to me. I am not going to bore you with his tactics this story is already long enough but let’s just say I decided I was going no matter what. 

It was well over 90 degrees and so I opted for jean shorts with my boots. Of course he had to comment I looked like a Buckle Bunny which to him is a little deeper than the actual definition when you look it up. In the definition, it is simply is a “woman follower of rodeos and cowboys”. (He and his close friends, girls included  all live on property, have horses and animals and do riding of some sort, the real deal)   In their mind a buckle bunny is a fake cowgirl who gets all dolled up to attract the cowboy and has more interest in the cowboys and there winnings then they do in the horses or actual events. 

Well guess what buddy, it is 96 degrees outside and this music festival will be filled with lots of of fake cowgirls wearing short shorts and boots who probably only wear boots once per year for this event and have never ridden a horse in their life so who cares I’ll fit right in and no one will know that I am a horse riding ranchin Mama.  It was too damned hot to wear jeans and for this event I didn’t feel the need to.  To be honest you would never catch me in shorts and cowboy boots at an actual rodeo no matter the temps but as I have always preached, dress for your occasion as I don’t ever recommend riding a horse in shorts. 

Michelle and I were only 15 mins away from home and no sooner did I enter the festival than he was already calling wanting me to come home. He was quite demanding and a little rude about it. Like I said I vowed that I wasn’t going to give into him so I didn’t allow him to control the conversation. He was pretty ticked and I do remember hanging up on him at one point, but he has to learn that unless he is sick or his life is in jeopardy I am the adult and he cannot control or guilt me into doing all the things he wants or assuming the role he thinks I need to be playing as a mother or my quality of life will suffer. I am not out all the time partying it up or slacking in my household or motherly duties. Everything I’ve done is in moderation. 

I am sure there are a lot of naysayers who are all for my kid comes first before my needs and that is completely fine for whoever that suits. You do you and I’ll do me.  There is a point where I believe if you don’t take care of yourself how can you truly take care of someone else?! 

And what am I teaching him for his future relationships if he becomes this control person now at this age. Yikes. I don’t even want to imagine that. 

Here is how it went after our phone conversation I will share with you our texts and they made all the difference. 

Paxton: sorry that I miss dad and care about him. I am sad and mad. 

Me: I miss dad and I care about him too, sometimes I need to just escape my sadness. I love you very much but I’m trying to cater to you as well as take care of myself.  If I don’t take care of myself I will fall apart for you I hope you understand. Right now we are listening to Sawyer Brown. Old school country. Dad would love that. 

Your dad and I went to CT for years. And we hadn’t been in a long time. Somehow makes me feel closer to him. I love you. 

Paxton: I love you too. 

And guess what I didn’t hear from him again until I told him I was on my way home. 

So my advice today to all of you, communication is key. Be honest with your wants, needs, desires. Stand firm in your decisions but also be willing to compromise at times. We don’t all think alike or have the same likes/dislikes as one another. I think if we did life would be boring. 

Don’t assume someone should figure out or understand you unless you tell them what you expect, how you want to be treated or share your hopes, dreams, desires, passions, fears, concerns and on and on. Set expectations upfront and be willing to navigate through uncharted waters with compassion and love but most of all understanding. Extend grace to one another. If your child, parent, significant other, friend doesn’t understand the why behind what you say or do explain it to them otherwise that can be what kills the relationship before it even has a chance to bloom. Nurture and water your garden.