I Said it Out Loud

 

So I’m going to be real with you guys probably the most vulnerable I’ve been so far. I’m not proud of what I said, but I said it, which means I thought it more than once in my overthinking head. 

So shall my words be that goes out for my mouth it shall not return to me empty but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. 

Isaiah 55:11. 

Not sure my words align with the passage above or what purpose they served today but they were said nonetheless and hopefully the outcome is for the better and not worse by being said out loud. 

I am sure there are things you have thought and never said. Things you may be glad you kept to yourself and things you wished you would have said that you bottled up or never had the opportunity to say and regretted it. 

What I write is intended for me to heal and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of anything that I say and you read. Why because it actually happens, it’s things I think, it’s ways I feel and it’s true. What if just one person relates to my sharing and it makes all the difference for them. Therefore I cannot NOT share and I share as true as I feel. Not sugarcoated,  not intended to be what someone wants to hear but the God honest truth of what goes through my mind and happens to me on the daily.  Some of you might think I’m absolutely normal  and some of you might think I’m absolutely a crazy hot mess! Either way you’re probably right depending on the occasion. 

From previous reads I’m sure you’ve gathered I’ve been having tough times with Paxton lately. His respect level for one which was a lot higher for Steve than it is of me. My struggle of feeling guilty that he’s lost his dad to soon and trying to make up for it in certain ways, trying to be a nurturer, a comforter, a provider, trying to be a discipliner and trying to teach my son to be a good adult, a good friend, a good husband to someone someday and hopefully, a good father. It’s not easy. And I only have one. Today I talked to an old friend, who  knows someone who just got into real estate, a widow with five kids. I cannot even imagine her struggles compared to mine.

Life isn’t fair, but I sure as hell should be able to handle one kid. No excuses. I know it’s an adjustment. But I don’t feel like I’ve been doing the best job I possibly could. But when you’re trying to juggle your own grief and your child’s it’s a whole new level than just your own, God bless the widow with multiples.

After struggling this morning and sticking to my guns sticking to  not allowing Paxton to have anything that he doesn’t earn. Having told him no multiple times today. A threat to have his phone taken away, arguing about respect, doing chores, and what is necessary to keep us going all while trying to work, be a good friend, a connector, an influencer, grieve myself, try to stay sane and remember half of what I need to do, etc. It can be exhausting. It runs so much more smoothly with a positive outlook… like I have said before, just because our world stopped, the world didn’t stop. I will receive grace from others, but for how long? And how much do I extend to myself? No rules… no guidelines… no one is monitoring me or telling me how, when or what to do next. I am seriously winging it. 

The middle of the day was pretty good between us. Toward evening a favor to him, to go fishing with a couple buddies, of which one couldn’t go without a parent so I couldn’t just drop them off and go to the grocery store like I had intended.  I actually sat there and read a book so they could fish, and that friend could go along. He promised me when he got home he would do everything I asked… 

Until he didn’t. Until he tried to get me to do something for him. And I pretty much flew off the handle. I just wasted two hours trying to do something nice for you, and you have to give me a hard time I told him. We argued back-and-forth and I finally said it, you were so much more respectful of your dad and I’ve asked you before to pay me that respect that I deserve and that your dad would get mad at you for if you weren’t giving it to me, why wouldn’t you want to treat me like your dad? I’m tired of being lenient, I’m tired of making up excuses for the way that you’re acting and treating me. I wish it was me that would’ve died instead of your dad then you would be happier. 

Oh My Gosh I actually said that out loud. Wow! There are no take backs for that right?! 

I said it as I walked away, and therefore I didn’t see what expression he must’ve had on his face as I said it. But all the sudden he just said mom stop don’t say that that it isn’t true… he grabbed me around the neck from behind and hugged me so tight! 

Was I fishing, was I trying to get him to reassure me after all these months of him letting me know over and over again I am not his dad, I don’t do things like his dad would, I don’t say things that his dad would have, I don’t understand his concerns, or throwing in my face I must be over his dad when I try to get him to think positive and be happy and remind him that we are still here and can’t live in sadness all the time. Was I unintentionally fishing for what I wanted him to say? Or did I finally just have enough of me giving into him and being lenient and trying to make up for the fact he lost his dad and I caved in at my disappointment of myself, and how I have handled things, that I said such a harsh thing out loud. 

I questioned myself why after I said it, even though I’ve thought it plenty (no one talks to us more harshly then we do in our own heads) but I honestly think we will be better off that I did say it. How I don’t know, but I feel my release lifted a huge burden off my shoulder to just hear that he never wanted me to say that again. That no matter which one of us died he would still be in the same sad place, he would still be angry that it happened. He agreed there is no magical time frame or number of months where you should all of a sudden live along side your grief instead of smack dab in the middle of it. There is no cure all for heartache, you can mend it but it will never again be completely whole and there is nothing saying that you can’t move forward and then completely backward a few days or months later. Everyone of us is different, our emotions, personalities, experiences and fears. 

The best thing you can do in grief is be honest with yourself and others and to communicate your fears, your reservations, your moods, your anxieties about the future and your hopes and dreams again someday to your support system so they know how to handle you. It shouldn’t be a guessing game and people shouldn’t be afraid to be real with you. 

Not only did we lose a whole person when Steve died but a part of me and a part of Paxton as well. We will never be the same people and we have to be patient and understand how to respect, get along with, communicate with and flourish with  who we are now and who we will become because of our circumstances. 

Everything you experience in life has made you who you are today and going forward what happens will affect who you become. You chose though how you react to all of it. 

You become better or bitter. I hope you chose better, I know I have every intention of choosing better. 

It is not what happens to you that matters but how you react to it that matters. -Epictetus  

Maybe now I can banish my ugly thought because I finally said it out loud and can put it to rest so I am not internally haunted by it’s internal presence, and to never say or think it again. 

All I can  do is pray to be a better person tomorrow then I was today, hopefully that sets an example in itself for Paxton to always strive to be a better person as well.