I remember growing up as a little girl who always loved to “play
house.” I had a mom who always encouraged me to dream, pretend and be creative
in my thinking. She taught me that hard work and determination can take you places
and that if you really want something you should go for it. That you should
always do the right thing and when you commit to things don’t disappoint others.
Also that love is strong above all else, you should love God, love your family,
love people in general and even love your enemies and pray for them often. Hence
the LOVE tattoo I have on my right wrist of her handwriting. She loved me
unconditionally and showed me by example how to love.
I remember more than anything how much I wanted to be a mom.
I always had lots of dolls growing up and I remember when I pretended I had about
6 kids, all with names (don’t ask me now I don’t honestly remember except one, Audra
Lynn (because that was almost what I was named instead of Danielle Rae.) I
pretended they were in the car when we went places and we had to drop them off
at friends houses and take them to doctor appointments, they would argue with
one another and I would find solutions for them. My mom always played along. My
imagination was intense sometimes.
In my later years I always thought I wanted boys. I was a
girl and even though I wasn’t what you would consider “high maintenance” I knew
how whiny, moody, and indecisive I was at times. I was enamored by boys and how
messy, dirty, carefree, fun, and protective of me that they seemed. I grew up with my dad’s cousin’s family who had
5 of them and I remember how fun it was to hang out with them on their
property, go snowmobiling and 4-wheeling and go on road trips. When I was in
high school one of them lived with us for a while. I have a half-brother who is
17 years older than me, and I didn’t ever really grow up with him, (he did like
to tease me and take my barbie doll heads off (they never fit back on right
again) because it made me so mad- don’t worry for Christmas this year he made
amends and bought me an in-tact barbie doll so I finally forgave him. LOL.) I
did always try to imagine what it would be like to have lots of siblings to “look
after me and look up to.” I lived the life of an only child for the most part.
Fast forward to 19 years old, April 19th 1998 , a
girl I worked with at a tanning salon in Mesa while I was attending ASU hooked
me up with a guy she dated in high school that she thought would be perfect for
me. I remember thinking distinctly I’ll be the judge of that, but to my
surprise I remember going to the Diamondbacks game and sitting there talking to
get to know each other better (we talked on the phone a few times prior and did
meet once before our first date) and watching the game there was a certain way
that he looked at me and I just knew. When he dropped me off at my condo, I
called my best friend Alana immediately even though her time difference was
greater, she was in college and I knew she would be up, and I told her that I
met the man I was going to marry.
Fast forward 6 years, we got married. It took him 5 to ask
me but from that first day I knew, and I had to just enjoy my journey before we
got there. We lived together for 2 years prior to getting married and I loved
the life we lived, we both made decent money, could go on trips, pick up at the
drop of a hat and do things and buy the things we wanted for our home or toys
like his boat. We had a conversation about kids and he really didn’t want any. At
the time our life was full and so I said ok. Sometimes there are people you
come across that you just can’t picture fulfilling their life without giving life,
and to most who knew me I was that person. I loved him and I loved what we had,
and I couldn’t picture honestly starting all over to find someone who wanted
kids.
So, what did I do, what most people do, enter into a relationship
thinking that you can change them. I don’t necessarily recommend this,
especially if they have habits, quirks, or ways of thinking that you aren’t in
agreement with but not willing to accept, or just accept them for who they are because
sometimes what you love about them far out weighs what you dislike and no one is
going to be perfect, including you. I
will have to say you could spend your life on a mission trying to get someone
to quit a habit or change their way of thinking but in most cases, you are not
going to ever change a person unless they WANT to change, and you could make yourself
unhappy or miserable in the process. It isn’t because they don’t love you
enough, it is just something inside of them that is holding on to something due
to their own internal battles. You are not going to get a drug addict, smoker, cheater,
sex addict, abuser, etc… to change unless they WANT to change, no matter how much
they love you.
Put it this way, I said ok to his not wanting kids but deep
down I knew that I couldn’t picture my life without kids in it and when my biological
clock yearned for them (can’t even explain this, the feeling is just there
and your inside aches and it really doesn’t go away and it is all you can think
about.) I wanted to have a kid and when
I broached the subject with him, he wasn’t all convinced, but he reluctantly agreed
that we could try and 11 months later when I took that test, I was so excited,
I couldn’t wait to run out to the kitchen and celebrate together. He was in the
kitchen standing at the island of our old house and I came out beaming with
excitement. I remember the disappointed look on his face when I told him. My
whole being was crushed as this was not the reaction my brain ran as a scenario
in my head of how this was supposed to happen. The scared little boy inside him
who was like “oh shit, what now, why in the world did I say yes to this, our
life is going to completely change and I can’t be as selfish as I have been
over the years with what I want, I have to share her with some little being
that I have no idea how to handle and will probably get most of her attention, I
won’t be number 1 anymore.” All valid concerns.
Steve woke me up one night in the middle of the night before
we knew the sex to tell me that he had the whole room planned out if Paxton was
going to be a boy. A Cars room, complete with diamond plated metal, 3D metal
car art on the walls, a craftsman tool bench for a changing table, black crown molding
and baseboards, it was so distinctly designed that I felt excited for him for
the very first time since I told him I was pregnant. I had hope. Steve has
always had great ideas and been a designer and that is when I knew that he was
growing on the idea of having a kid, and I prayed heavily for a boy… LOL.
To be honest he stayed selfish for the first few years, he
didn’t really like being left alone with him, he wasn’t the dad who got up in
the middle of the night because he needed his sleep to function properly at
work the next day, even though he knew I had to be at work in Phoenix by 5, he
didn’t give up fishing or going to the gym, and he rarely changed a diaper.
When Paxton had colic and reflux issues or could cry for long periods of time,
I was the one who tended to him, I was the one who wanted him, and I just accepted
this. I will tell you when that kid could walk and talk and play, they were
best friends, Steve’s whole world changed and we over the years rarely did
anything together without our kid, almost everything we did as a family, and he
was quick to include and teach Paxton everything he knew. So grateful for this
now, not many 12-year-old kids know as much as he does at this point in their
life. That was a man who loved that kid more than life itself and was better
for having what he didn’t think he wanted.
I remember discussing that I wanted 3 boys (not that at the
time I could chose the gender), I was an “only child” and I didn’t want my kid
to grow up like that, and I figured the third would balance the other two. What
did I know, but 3 seemed like a good number. At first Steve wasn’t too keen on the idea of
more kids, he always said he wished we had twins to start, and we could be
done. By the time he agreed to have more Paxton was 4 and my mom got sick. Overwhelmed
by work, life, a little boy, and taking care of my mom, we put it off. Paxton
was 5 when she died, I grieved and didn’t really think about it at the time. By
the time we discussed it again he was 7 and I decided I didn’t want to go
through pregnancy again or the baby stage, I hated being pregnant and I hated
the last month of my pregnancy, the hypertension and the extend of 6 months after
he was born before my blood pressure returned to normal. He had a knot in his umbilical
cord when he was born at 37 ½ weeks old, had jaundice and some respiratory problems for the first 4-5 years and there was also the fear
of being an older mom with complications that could arise for me or the next
child. I just accepted the fact that I was only meant to birth one. Sometimes
things happen for reasons that we don’t really understand.
I know it was a stretch marrying a man who didn’t want a kid
and convincing him to have one, but to be honest I am so glad it worked out the
way it did. Motherhood is amazing, I wouldn’t trade it or him for the world. Fast
forward to this past year when Steve got sick, and our family went through the
emotional roller coaster that it did with his illness and death and the months
after and adjusting and grieving that have brought us to yesterday, my 8th
Mother’s Day without my mom, ( I wished she could be here for me at this moment
but I have accepted it is part of a greater plan that she is not) and first Mother’s Day as a single mom. I am a survivor and I know
that I would survive and thrive even if we didn’t have a kid, but I would say no
matter how irritated I get with him sometimes, I couldn’t imagine doing it
without him and for this I will ever be grateful. He is so much his dad in a
lot of ways, and I love that I have daily reminders, even the annoying ones. Now
to just stay strong and raise him to be a good adult with the things he learned
from his dad and the things he will still learn from me shaping him into his own
person. I look forward to being a good example and strive to teach him to have
faith like his momma, to love like my momma did, believe like my dad and have a
vision for what he wants like his dad.
My new journey is just beginning, and I am grateful he is
part of my story. Being a mom is one of the most rewarding things in my life
thus far and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Everything that we encounter in
life contributes to who we currently are and who we will become. I will forever
be grateful for this present Steve gave me, a legacy of love.
If you are not
growing and changing, adapting, and striving to be better than you were
yesterday, doing what you love with passion and heart, finding and fulfilling
your purpose then you truly aren’t living to your full potential. Do it with Grace
for yourself and others, Belief that you can do great things, Faith that no
matter how much it waivers you rely on it to get you through, Hope for a future
that is right for you, Trust in the timing of your life, and with Love in your
heart.
A poem I wrote for my mom in high school.
Mother
She is the inspiration
who comforts me in times of need,
A permanent figure of loyalty,
A listener of troubles,
An encourager of doubts.
The time we spend together,
Is fun within itself.
We do things for each other
Not thinking of ourselves.
It's nice to know
The times we share
Aren't wasted by empty thoughts.
She knows my faults and sorrows,
But she loves me just the same.
I'm glad to know I have a friend that's there until the end.
- Dani Rae 1996
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