You know the struggles I have been having with Paxton. Last week it got so bad one day (and per a friend’s suggestion) I flat out demanded he go put shoes on, get his bat and meet me at the cage. I told him he would not be able to come back in the house until he was all out of anger. His anger was not welcome in our home. (I know he acts right around everyone else and he feels safe with me but there is a point when it can be too much for this mama to ignore or allow)
I kept my mouth shut through his yelling at me for not working the machine right, yelling at himself for the way he swung or where the ball ended up, yelling he was mad at his dad for not being here to do this with him, and pounding his bat on the ground. After about 20-25 mins he threw his bat and exclaimed he was done and started walking to the house. I looked right at him and told him to get back over, he was NOT done until I told him he was done.
To my surprise he came back, picked up the bat and got into his stance, he may have rolled his eyes but I let that slide. I reiterated that we could be out there as long as it took to leave his anger there and not bring it back in the house. He hit some bombs for the next 20-25 mins and finally said he was done and his anger was gone. We picked up all the balls scattered around our property, the wash next door, and the neighbors yard and didn’t talk about it again.
Later on that night in the truck on the way to ride and rope he said “mom, thank you.” I said “for what.” He said “for making me hit.” To be completely honest I was touched and proud, but all I said was “you’re welcome.” Sometimes making a big of a deal out of something is embarrassing and I know he is the type of kid who is easily embarrassed, but I was secretly melting on the inside.
A breakthrough to say the least. I wouldn’t say things will all of a sudden be perfect, if I was raising an almost teenage son even who didn’t lose his dad the odds of a perfect relationship, with a perfect kid would not exist and we would have challenges anyway, he would test me no matter what. I am just hoping this is a lesson in tough love as well as a way to deviate anger he can use well into his adult years. I can but cannot wait to try this exercise again. ( oh believe me I’m certain I’ll use this exercise several times over the years)
Sharing my orchard for coffee with a fellow griever last week was definitely good for both our souls. I tried to give her my undivided attention while I could with a few distractions along the way, but minimal I hope. I had a fire with a client, several house projects going on at the same time and lots of animals. Lol. She understood.
She recently lost her son to an act of violence that as a mom I could never fathom. By telling me her story I just knew her strength and determination to help herself and the rest of her family learn to adjust to their new life without him was incredible, this is just the beginning of their journey but I got the impression from her dedication and determination she will flourish moving forward. Will it be easier I can guarantee it won’t, but she will be okay and she knows it is okay not to always be ok. That is half the battle, knowing that it is okay to fall apart sometimes as long as you don’t take up residence there.
She has been reading my blogs since Steve passed and after she lost her son she resonated with the fact that I stress repeatedly that you never get over your loss, part of you dies with that person, your life as you knew it will never be the same, you don’t move on, you move forward and live along side your grief. Your grief and sadness doesn’t go away, time doesn’t necessarily heal, time just allows you to adapt and move forward.
Hearing her story allows me to have a different perspective on what other people around me are going through as the world doesn’t stop for any of us whose world has stopped and is changed, forever. These are the kind of connections I love to make where Jesus shows us compassion for one another even though our circumstances are not the same and how we as Christians can serve one another through our tragedies.
We can never feel the same grief as someone else no matter even how similar our situations may be but we can extend an ear to listen, a word of encouragement, a hug or a helping hand through someone else’s struggle. In my experience lifting up someone else when they are down has always had an impact on me and helps bring my attitude, positive energy and mindset back up from its fall.
The weekend having been my calendar first anniversary without Steve went a little uncontrolled emotionally, not how I planned or intended and way harder than anticipated. I may have been a bit of a mess, did and said some crazy things and cried A LOT.
Some of my friends acknowledged, text, called and even showed up to rescue me. And even though they tried some of it just didn’t make it better, not their fault at all, I just couldn’t shake the overwhelming emotional strain I was experiencing.
What stood out the most was when someone who has been going through some tough stuff of their own felt bad for even having a bad week compared to mine… there is the key words compared to. In no way was I trying to minimize her struggle even though she was.
When someone says to me they are having a bad day or bad week or expresses the struggles they are encountering I try not to judge what they are going through or put a scale to it. You know how often we hear from 1-10 what is the magnitude of your circumstances? Someone’s 10 could be someone else’s 1.
When I am having a bad day or week or struggling I do find relief just telling myself that someone out there is struggling more than me so then I must be grateful. I think of the widows with multiple kids and feel grateful that I have only one’s emotions to deal with besides my own. I have always been a silver lining person.
I learned that early on from my childhood best friend who battle cancer for 3 years before she passed at the age of 10 but was the most positive person to this day I have ever met. I learned a lot watching her even as young as I was. When someone says to me that their pity party or struggle seems silly compared to what I have/am experiencing I say that you cannot compare. No one has a right to judge or tell you your struggles aren’t as important as theirs or someone else’s. Everyone is facing their own struggles, their own demons, their own everything in a different way.
If you want to compare my story to yours to kick yourself in the behind to not unpack at your low and keep moving forward then by all means do what you have to but know I am not over here thinking my situation is far greater than yours what are you bitching about. I am not that person, or at least I try not to be.
I may be in my own little world sometimes trying to climb out of the pit and unable to get out of that pit to help you at the time but if I can I will always try. I can’t stay in the pit for too long that is just not how I am wired. I’m the glass is fillable kind of girl.
I love those of you who reach out with your stories and share them with me, even if you don’t post them on my blog or facebook the fact that what I write helps you actually helps me more than you will ever know. Our stories may all look different but you can contribute by sharing yours and gain from what someone else might in turn share with you. We can help each other in our journey and give or get a glimpse of hope in the process. It may not work for everyone but next time you are feeling down and out about your situation try lifting up someone else who is struggling it may just help you get through your own struggle.
Ephesians 4:32-33
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” “But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.
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