First Anniversary without Him

 

I take you as you are now 

and in whom you will become 

loving what I know of you, 

trusting what I do not yet know.

No matter what life brings our way

I will be your best friend, 

Your confidant, 

And strongest supporter.

I will grow with you

In life and love 

For all the days of our lives.

I wrote our vows because I am a writer and frankly “in sickness and in health until death do us part” always sounded outdated and cliché to me. And I have witnessed over the years the amount of people who don't really put much weight on that promise. 

As we promised this to each other May 15, 2004, in front of all our family and friends I had no idea the  “all the days of our lives together” part would be cut so short. 

I was looking through anniversary cards this weekend that he had given me over the years, because why not read some sappy words and cry?  I may as well deplete all the tears I can for now right?!

I found a letter I wrote him for our 8th anniversary that reiterated these vows. I don’t really remember what we were struggling with, I think financially, backstory he had lost his job for 14 months, he was making less, I was making less, I wanted to quit my "job" at UOP and go back into real estate full time... etc.  I wanted to publish my book and he told me it was a “hobby”. I think it also had to do with him struggling with his anxiety at the time, which flared up during our marriage several times at greater levels than his daily struggles with it already gave him. I never could understand what he lived with as I only experienced it through my eyes and not his but I tried to be as compassionate as I could. 

Sometimes we just didn’t always see eye-to-eye or agree on everything but who does ?! None of us are perfect and I am a firm believer you can love more than one person and more than once… it just all depends on how much you are willing to forgo their not so good qualities to reap the benefits of what you love and enjoy about them,  and how often you are willing to renew that love and passion throughout the years and if the other person isn’t giving their 100% are you willing to make up the difference to make it work? I can’t stress enough the grass isn’t often greener on the other side. 

To share my letter to him with you:

May 15, 2012 

Happy Anniversary.

I wanted to say thank you for everything you have given me over the years. I am truly sorry that we are going through such rough times right now. I know it will work itself out. I believe in you, I believe in us, and I believe God has a plan to make us a stronger, closer couple through this. 

You make me laugh, you make me cry (both good and bad). I see your inner love for me and I know that it is still there. I struggle and know that if I respect you, your love for me will show again. I want you to know that everything I am doing, everything I am trying, everything I am sacrificing is because you are the number 1 person I am suppose to love. I know my ideas, like the book, are not short term fixes, they are long term goals that will set us up for a bright future.   I do these things because I love you, you make me feel safe and secure. You bring out the best and worst in me. It is all worth it because I chose you and you me. We made vows 8 years ago, to support and believe in each other, love unconditionally, without reservations. 

Let these words of our vows be remembered and  placed in our hearts each time we have doubts, each time we fail to believe in the other person. Let us live for each other, for our truly amazing son that we created together and for fulfilling a lifelong commitment. Not taking anything for grated, with a sense of gratitude for every blessing we have no matter how small, for the unknown that is yet to come our way, planning as best we can but living for each moment, knowing it could be taken from us in the blink of an eye, grateful for every moment whether it is easy, hard, difficult or rich, stormy or full of blessings. We don’t know what is around the corner no matter how hard we plan. Loving and caring for each other in this very moment in time is all we truly have, why miss it? Why linger on past regrets or future things that may never happen, plan YES, let it destroy us now, NO. 

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1. 

I am sure some may ask why in the hell I just shared something so personal with you all?  Because we do not know what is around the corner, and sometimes no matter how hard we plan it doesn’t go the way we expect. 

So today I am telling you to Love a little more, complain a little less, take time for the people and things you value the most, be better than you were yesterday, learn the lesson, find the opportunity,  forgive others and yourself, say the things you want to say, make the call, send the card, show a little grace and a lot of mercy and live in your moment. The opportunities you have are limited to the time you have and no one knows when their time is up. Don't forget to laugh a lot! 

This is a passage from inside our wedding program from an author my mom and dad loved.

Taken from The Prophet:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love; 

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. 

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, 

Even the string of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together;

For the pillars of the temple stand apart, 

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. 

- Kahlil Gibran

I don’t know what God has planned for my future, but me being me, I am open to the possibilities. I am a planner but I also have been through enough in my life I find ways to accept the hand I have been dealt and I will make the most of what I am given, even sometimes when I just want to break down and throw in the towel. 

Steve and I may not have always had the “perfect” relationship over the past almost 24 years, but I am glad we never gave up at the same time. I will always love him, I am partly who I am because of him even though a part of me died right along with him.  Steve and I were not the same people right before he died that we were at 19 and 22 when we met. It took work, but we made it work through all the changes we experienced individually and with one another, we took the good with the bad and found a happy medium, every single time.  If I ever find love again, I will be beyond blessed, it will never replace what I had, and will definitely be a different kind of love from what I have already experienced, but I pray that the one takeaway (there are more than one) thing I have experienced and would want to do over again is the realization that in any “imperfect” relationship love isn’t measure by the breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away (Maya Angelou) and for those moments are the ones that truly define us. 

I will never be able to say I had that long enriching 50+ year relationship that I had dreamed of my whole life so far, but the time I was granted and the relationship I had I will always be grateful for it.