Do you ever wonder about your purpose? I think this top photo represents a look I might express quite often and probably could never have captured it on purpose. I don't know if I look unsure, disgusted, in deep thought or contemplating my life choices. Maybe all of it. I accidently took a photo while trying to take a new selfie for my profile picture as I was playing with the settings. I had a luncheon today I got dressed up for and thought what a great time to replace my current one, everyone tells me they want me to smile more anyway. In the end I decided that sometimes when trying to take a photo with a purpose you can actually try too hard and be too critical of yourself, bringing your current mood if it was good, into a tizzy. 15 ok maybe 20 takes later, I ended up with a photo from my wine weekend as my new profile, where I can show off my crooked smile that everyone apparently likes, and it is a more natural reflection of me than a fixed up or professional one anyway.
So where did we leave off last week? Awe yes broken finger, life lessons, and struggling with typical teenage stuff. Oh and my promise to you to let you know how his Spanish Quiz ended up. I am proud to say he got a 95%. Looking at updates yesterday he has A's in all his classes so far. So for basically missing a semester and a half last year he doesn't seem like he is struggling, so I am grateful he got to have the life experiences that he did, despite his circumstances. The experiences he had were honestly priceless in my mind, things you don't learn in school, but can be vital to your growth, decisions and choices in your future life.
Last week I followed through with my girls wine country trip plans. My niece stayed with Paxton so he could feed and watch all the animals but not stay the night alone. Friday on our way up to Cottonwood Paxton called when he got out of school to tell me he had such a fun day at school, despite forgetting he could dress down for Fridays and was one of very few with a uniform on... oops! I don't think I have heard him say school and fun in a sentence in the 9 years he has attended school! So winning! Having gotten dress coded for his hair 2 days in a row... (don't get me started it is groomed nicely but it touches his polo shirt collar.) Big deal, not sure what makes that appear less successful then the next? But we have to play along if he wants to stay at the school. Not sure why that is distracting but a girl can go to school with a buzz cut or shaved head if she wanted to. Anyhow... I will get off my soapbox now and just let you know, he hates his new haircut (I kind of do too) but he can deal with anything for a year, he made it this far and is doing good. His attitude has changed, I can hear happiness in his voice and he is staying active and wanting to participate in things again. This momma is full of joy.
My weekend was much needed and 2 of my best girlfriends and I had great conversations, drank and ate a little too many carbs, played hours of Mexican Train and relaxed in the Airbnb hot tub. I needed to feel a part of being an adult other than taking trips that involve our kids. Paxton reached out minimally which made me know that he was comfortable with where I went, who I went with, and he had plenty of things to do with his friends to keep him occupied. It was truly a great feeling and I had a great weekend. I will tell you that the experience was good for me in many aspects. I got some mom self-care time, friend time, and time to reflect on some things without too much noise. I will be completely honest and vulnerable enough to tell you I struggled a few times over the weekend. I didn't realize how going with two happily married friends could affect my mood or frame of mind at times. On one hand I experienced the sadness and loss of what I was missing as they spoke about their husbands in the present and all I could do was connect with them while speaking about my husband in the past tense, making me miss what they have even more but on the other hand it allowed me the opportunity to put myself in a less than comfortable situation and I was so grateful that it allowed both of my friends to be themselves without feeling like they had to tip-toe around me or walk on egg shells because they were afraid to say the wrong thing. This truly means a lot to me. There are still quite a few people I encounter that just don't know how to act around me. It reminded me of Paxton and when he started his old school, his biggest complaint was the way people talked to him with pity or handled him with kid gloves. He stressed that he just wanted people to treat him normal or what that looked like to him. He ended up choosing the school where his closest friends went who treat him normal despite what he went through, who give him a hard time when he deserves it, and allow him to be him. I believe it was the best decision he could have made for him at this time in his life.
This week I discovered my deep freezer completely defrosted and we lost almost all of what we had left of Steve and Paxton's steer. I immediately called my SIL hyperventilating and bawling my eyes out, I was home alone and just didn't understand why! Why in the hell are things happening to us, I really could use a week that goes smoothly without a hiccup, and on and on pity party for me. I bawled continuously for the next few conversations, to get as much of my pity party out of my system. Woke up the next morning, cleaned out the entire freezer (lucky me it was garbage day) without a tear shed or gagging from the amount of blood or stench and reminded myself that I can't always control my circumstances and I cannot let those circumstances ever dictate my purpose or hinder my moving forward. Life can suck at times, but most of the times it is what you make of it. Take what you have and make what you want mentality, then make those ideas reality. As it ended up the freezer somehow got unplugged, so the silver lining after losing thousands of dollars of meat, my year old freezer still works, and it is so clean it looks brand new.
Speaking of noise a friend of mine came over last night and just trying to have a conversation with her didn't come without a distraction or two, from dogs running around playing with each other, jumping on the couch as we spoke to loud kids who sounded like they just sucked down a gallon of sugar, and it made me realize how much actual noise I have in my life, even though most days I enjoy it. I have always loved animals, I did want to be a Veterinarian for many years. I also wanted to have 3 boys but ended up with one, so I am that mom who loves that the neighborhood kids like to hang out at our house. All my animals and neighborhood kids in and out of my house creating chaos on a regular basis warms my heart, but escaping that at times can be refreshing and much needed.
Today I attended a luncheon which focused on the topics of both Purpose and Self-Care. Hosted by a woman whose purpose I feel is to recognize and connect people in ways I don't even know she realizes. Her sheer presence alone can light up a room. Sitting around a table of 14 listening to what everyone's ideas of purpose and success and what everyone felt self-care entailed reiterated how uniquely different everyone is and that we don't all view or value these things in the same way. Our ideas and purpose, goals and missions can also change based upon where we are at in our life and what our circumstances are at the time, and that is ok.
After a few people spoke it altered not only what I was willing to share but then once shared made me look at some of the things I said differently. One of the things that popped in my head from what someone else said was space. Space can be a huge factor in self-care, from creating your own peaceful or safe environment or choosing the people you spend your time with. I think taking care of your health and physical appearance is important in the grand scheme of things but the main theme amongst everyone today seemed to be how most have shifted their always doing, always helping, always putting everyone else first or building their careers ahead of their self-love to focusing on their self-love to be able to do those things better. So while we definitely deserve a massage, cute nails and glowing skin, the main focus at this stage of most of the company seemed to resound with our mental states and giving focus to our interior self-being, the peace and acceptance of who we are. You are always your own worst critic and no one talks to you more than you talk to yourself. Be kind with your words.
As I have shared with you before, my orchard is one of my most favorite places to be, to unwind, to connect with nature and friends, and drowned out all the noise in my head, despite the noise around my property. Last night proved to be again an amazing and peaceful evening (once we moved out to my orchard), shared with a friend, no fire, no wine, just water, good conversation and the sound of the rain, windchimes and occasional thunder. Most times my orchard is "off limits" to the kids and if the dogs are acting crazy I lock them in the house. This is a space that defines peace and it needs to maintain that reputation for my inner well-being.
I have spent several months remodeling the inside of my house in hopes to create an interior space that reflects the peace I am striving for and matches the tranquility that my exterior offers me already. My second favorite would have to be my cabin up North in the Mountains and Pines where the weather is cooler and life seems even a little slower yet. A house my mom bought and named Harmony Cabin over 20 years ago. I think the opportunity that I have to create, re-create as needed, and enjoy these spaces are also a huge part of my self-care after today's table discussion. I love that I recognized there are many factors involved in keeping me sane and keeping alive the memories of both my mom and Steve while creating new memories for Paxton and I. My goal right now at this point in my life is to choose the things that make the peace in my heart thrive in ways I never imagined possible while enjoying my journey each day, trusting the timing of my life and still asking God to reach the people who need my help the most.
Happiness comes from within and is found in the present moment by making peace with the past and looking forward to the future. No one can make you happy until you chose to be happy. Start today whatever that looks like to you, no one can do it for you better than you can.
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